To be totally over mother's looooooong visits?

[TheVanguardSix]

I come across as mean, I know. I know. She's 82 and a lovely person. But she comes to visit us from abroad and ends up living with us for 6-9 months, up to a year. She is a nice person, but it's incredibly hard work because she's an attention seeker, incredibly needy, comes from a huge, domineering family and can't be alone for a nanosecond.

We just have hit a wall. She left in late January after a 6 month visit and announced the other day that she'll be over in May. We have friends staying in late May. So she said, "Fine, I'll come the first week of June, after they leave." I said "OK".

I told my husband and with such weary exhaustion he said, "No. I need a huge breather from your mum. It's been too dramatic and I think we all need to give her a wide berth."

Any advice as to how to kindly reject my mum, who will react badly to "We want a few months off"? I can hear her now, "No room at the inn. No one has room at the inn for me." It's her mantra. Sigh.

I know she won't be around forever and she's my mother. Those guilt buttons are totally activated! Oh but any advice would be appreciated. How do you say, "Stop!" nicely?

I think the RV thread is a good read - I got quite a lot of details wrong but the "gist" is there.

Ironically - having read it again thanks to the link from a PP - it's probably more pertinent to you OP - as it's really about a poster in your DH's position. It's a window on how he may feel - but not have articulated.

I don't generally suggest "showing" threads - but in this case it might be good - after you have read it - to show your DH the RV thread and ask what he thinks. It might give the opportunity to discuss things I suspect he has hidden to keep you happy (or rather what he thinks makes you happy wrt your DM).

Another PP quite rightly said that in most of these threads the advice is that you "don't have a DM/MIL problem, you have a DH/DW problem".

It's equally true in this case and I'm sure hard to read, that the person culpable here is you. I'm posting to be supportive of you - but my sympathy lies utterly with your DH.

That said, the positive is that you have the opportunity to change this destructive dynamic.

OP, do whatever it takes to save your marriage and your family life. You are burnt out from dealing with this while your brothers get away with doing nothing.

I agree with the email to them, stating that it's time they did something, because from now on you will not.

I think you should cancel your mum's visit in June. Be frank and say it is no longer an option for her to live with you for so much of every year. Tell her that things are going to be different from now on, she will not be able to stay in your home and also she will not be able to come for Christmas. Say that she needs to sort out her home in the US, decide where to live instead, and get on with it, because she has outstayed her welcome in your home and been incredibly self centred, and as a result your family life has been disrupted.

You as a family need a long block of time to get back to a happy relaxed unit, where you only have to consider your own needs and enjoy your lives. Think of all the things you would be free to do without your mother there, Christmas, holidays, weekends away, days out, friends over, parties etc and even quiet days just chilling together. Make yourselves unavailable to her.

The people who said look at your home and see how you can change it to make it difficult for mother to stay, do it. Reclaim it for your family to use.

Ironically - having read it again thanks to the link from a PP - it's probably more pertinent to you OP - as it's really about a poster in your DH's position. It's a window on how he may feel - but not have articulated.

I agree Eats.
I knew immediately that (the thread I linked) was the thread you were referring to, and I remembered it well. My heart went out to the OP, in that thread.

And OP, I do think it may help you to start to change the situation, if you read it. I know it won't be easy.

My love, you saw the benefits cap programme and thought your issues trivial?

Your issues are greater than you realise. If you lose your marriage, your life will be hugely negatively impacted, emotionally and financially.

Your mother is for whatever reason choosing not to take her own life as her own responsibility, but she is ruining everyone elses.

You are in the grip of the FEAR, OBLIGATION and GUILT that she has instilled in you. What you tell us here is the tip of the iceberg, isn't it?

You can ask your H to compose and send the text if you like, but it has to be something like "Mum, sorry, we aren't having visits after May, we're tired and need to be just us. Visits of a a few days here and there are fine, but we can't accommodate longer than this."

yes she will rant and rave, yes I'm sure she will drag your brothers into being her flying monkeys to pressure you to do what she wants, yes you will hear how she hasn't got long left and won't be here forever. Yes this will blow up, but it absolutely has to!

Your marriage is in serious trouble. Family Life as you know it is in trouble. It's on life support and your H is telling you clearly that he can't take any more. Please hear him?

Your family is your h and your DC. first and foremost. She is choosing to live as she does because it absolves her of responsibility and gets her waited on hands and foot.

Your SIL has fallen foul and even then STILL has to suffer a week of this woman in her home. M slags her off to you in phone calls. Because she has said she can't take this cuckoo in her nest any longer. SIL is right. She doesn't have to live like this. Your DB should be protecting his family better, and he is in danger of his wife calling time too if he's not careful. I also think you should be able to shut M down when she starts slagging off your SIL. What your SIL is asking for is normal, what DM is inflicting on you all is beyond normal to the extreme. It's insanity!

Your M has raised you all to do what she wants you all do to. For her own selfish reasons.

I'm still confused by the immigration side of things and how your mum was ever able to stay longer than 6 months. Does your mum have a US passport or green card?

I'd be wary of mentioning you need the summer to work on your marriage. She might just be the sort of person who see it as a good thing if you split up, as then she'd be able to move back in with you permanently seeing as you'd no longer have a husband to get in the way. This might be OTT, but it has occurred to me.

Just tell her that her stay at the summer is not convenient. You don't need to elaborate, it's none of her business.

You do need to get this sorted soon, though. Good luck!

Blimey.

My mum's over for ten days and both she and I have had enough!

How is it going OP?