To be totally over mother's looooooong visits?

[TheVanguardSix]

I come across as mean, I know. I know. She's 82 and a lovely person. But she comes to visit us from abroad and ends up living with us for 6-9 months, up to a year. She is a nice person, but it's incredibly hard work because she's an attention seeker, incredibly needy, comes from a huge, domineering family and can't be alone for a nanosecond.

We just have hit a wall. She left in late January after a 6 month visit and announced the other day that she'll be over in May. We have friends staying in late May. So she said, "Fine, I'll come the first week of June, after they leave." I said "OK".

I told my husband and with such weary exhaustion he said, "No. I need a huge breather from your mum. It's been too dramatic and I think we all need to give her a wide berth."

Any advice as to how to kindly reject my mum, who will react badly to "We want a few months off"? I can hear her now, "No room at the inn. No one has room at the inn for me." It's her mantra. Sigh.

I know she won't be around forever and she's my mother. Those guilt buttons are totally activated! Oh but any advice would be appreciated. How do you say, "Stop!" nicely?

Oh, and just to drop one more stone into the bucket - just because someone is older, doesn't give them the right to make other people's lives miserable.

I'm ancient and see it all the time and it makes me fume.

Bloody hell! As much as I love my DM and DH's too, 6 hours would be a marathon for me, never mind 6 sodding months! I would be getting a one bed bungalow if I were you. 'Sorry mum, no room now......'

Thank you all so much for such incredibly supportive and insightful replies. It's kind of a shock to hit your late 40s and realise you don't have much a backbone. Here I am, so afraid to draw some lines in the sand. Our marriage has nearly collapsed and it's almost certainly related to mum. We try not to talk money but I think DH has gotten fed up of the financial support... the dental treatment, the haircuts, and the rest. For months on end, it adds up. She's not demanding any luxuries, not by any means. She's quite basic. But in a totally shallow, first world problem way, it totally annoys the hell out of us that on Christmas day, the kids spoil granny with pressies and she doesn't even get them a card or a chocolate bar. She is with us nearly every Christmas and goes on holiday with us. Even on our birthdays, the kids' birthdays, no card from granny. Her excuse is "I couldn't get out to the shops". It's just a statement, isn't it? It's just being cheap...blatantly and it really gets to me. Ok now I'm just indulging in a moan! Sorry! It's kind of weird that my ex mother in law gives my kids from DH 2 birthday cards but my own mum doesn't. Weird. Ok. Moan over.

That's not "a visit", a visit is a few days or a week or two if travelling from abroad. Six months at a time is semi-resident.
YANBU.

You have a choice. Making your marriage work or accommodating your mother. You can't do both. Which one do you want?

Unless and until your family baton down the hatches and force her into getting her own place she won't you know. Can she or the family afford to buy her a little flat or something?

OP, I would think carefully about using your husband as the excuse here as suggested by another poster - it really needs to come from you. TBH he sounds like he has put up with a lot from your mother and, if I were him, I would not be happy being used as the scapegoat by you to avoid you having to stand up to your mother yourself. Maybe you could join forces with your siblings to all stand up to her together? Make her see that this is not normal? Good luck!

The more you post, the more she seems like an emotional and physical vampire. Just because she was a loving mum, it doesn't give her the right to put such demands on you. Your marriage is relatively recent and you should be enjoying these years.

'When you're a kid growing up, it is what it is. You don't have a lot to compare to.'

I hear you OP. Its very difficult to view your own parents and their behaviour with your rational head on, especially if you have a parent who is not a great respecter of boundaries and no stranger to laying on epic guilt trips.

However, your mother is taking the piss in quite a jaw-dropping way. I have just read your last post about paying for dental treatment and haircuts. The lack of gifts, however small, for you and your family at Christmas and birthdays is just dreadful. This is not ok. As other posters said, you do not have to put up with shitty behaviour from people even if they are very old and / or your parents

Please feel absolutely no guilt about putting your foot down. Yes, I know its not that easy. If it helps, think about what you would say to a friend who was in your situation. Would you tell them off for being selfish or a bad daughter? We're often much kinder and more clear headed with other people than we are with ourselves.

You're paying for dental treatment and haircuts?!

If it were dh who was having his mother to stay for months on end and forking out for her, I'd go ballistic. No, actually I'd just go.

For the sake of your marriage, OP, you must take action. I know standing up to people is horrible, but in the end the worm must turn. Really the best way is to instigate a discussion about her moving somewhere else permanently - as a compromise suggest a flat near you, not living with you.

The difficulty is, my eldest brother wants her to rent out her house, live with us and give us rent. I want sanity, not money. DH is just like, "No. Don't want this." She'll never sell. That's a given. She's had YEARS to sell. Dad's been gone 14 years and the house has just rotted. And I think over the years, observing how she's handled her own life has made the prospect of her living with us just totally unattractive. We've suggested independent living. No way. She wants to live with her kids. But she doesn't want to live with her kids. I don't know what she wants. I've asked but she speaks in tongues the moment you discuss real life with her. A total evader. She has a lot of health issues and my worry is that the longer she lives this way, the more she risks just ending up in a bad spot that we'll be left pulling her out of.

And by the way, your husband sounds like a very nice man, and well done to him for putting his foot down, with you and her. No way would I have been able to put up with a fraction of what he has. My MIL came to stay for a bank holiday weekend and I ended up literally crying in the bathroom with boredom, frustration and regret

BTW, I did send my brothers a list of properties about 4-5 years ago, ones within her price range, close to us, in 'over 50s' settings. Radio silence. I've learned to suggest very little to my brothers. Weak, I know. But radio silence is their normal response.

shes taken and taken from both of you for far too long, get your life back before there's no life to claim

My father lived with us for a few years. It was a positive experience. Just so you know where I'm coming from.

DO NOT LET YOUR MOTHER BACK IN YOUR HOME

You owe to yourself, your kids and your husband. It's great to look out for family, but they have to take the consequences of their own decisions. She is an adult.

Find whatever excuse you can, but don't let her back.

Would a 'loving mum' really not realise that visiting for 6-9 months was too much for their child and their child's family?

Would a 'loving mum' neglect to get so much as a birthday card or christmas present for her grandchildren?

Would a 'loving mum' guilt trip their child into hosting them for months on end?

Would a 'loving mum' badmouth their child's spouse for being firm about no prolonged visits?

I like to think of myself as a loving mum, and there is no way I would do any of these things to any of my children or to their families (when they have them).

@Mummyoflittledragon is right - she is an emotional and physical vampire, and you have every right to protect yourself and your family from the effects of this.

Why are you paying for her haircuts?

6-9 months!!! Oh my God!
My mum visits for a long weekend tops! My DP's mum has only stayed the night once so far (been in our new house a year).

You need to be firm with her, all of you! Also I'm pretty sure she'll only get worse! If she's so troublesome now, imagine in 10 years if she's anxious and paraniod and has mobility issues!

Are you really prepared to lose your marriage, for your children to live alternate weeks/weekends with you and your husband so that you don't have to deal with the fallout from your mother.

Not only is she installing herself as a permanent feature in your home, let's face it, she lives with you and has extended stays with other family members, but you and your husband are paying for the 'pleasure' (dental, haircuts wtf why isn't she paying for this herself?).

OP, just a suggestion and I don't know what your relationship with your DM is like, but could you not say that you need to take some time for your marriage? You need a period of 'alone time' to concentrate on yourselves, and you're sure she'll understand that you need that as a couple. Instead of making up reasons which might increase the guilt, that is exactly true.

Flippin' eck OP, after your last post up there ^ your mum sounds like a bloody PITA. Sorry, but just because someone is of a certain age (75+!) that does not give them a right to be a twunt.

Respect is earned, you don't get it just coz you have lived 20-30 years longer than me. Whether it's someone who thinks they can cut in front in a queue, or whether it's someone thinking they have the right to live with their adult offspring; senior citizens can't just have their own way because because they are a generation (or two) older. We all have opinions and views and rights and feelings. No-one of any generation has any more 'right' to do something than another.

No way in hell would I have my MIL living with us. She is a pleasant lady, but no. I have told DH this in no uncertain terms. I feel the same about my own mother. I wouldn't mind if she was living 5 minutes walk away, and I wouldn't mind helping her when she needs it, but she cannot live in my home, no. DH feels the same.

All that said, my DM and DH's sound like angels compared to your mother. Sorry OP. No offence, but she sounds like verrrrrrry hard work!

The Over 50s thing - McCarthy & Stone etc seems an excellent solution. How very dare your brothers suggest she lives with you! What a cheek. I'd definitely suggest a Family Summit and say that the current situation cannot continue, and you and your dh absolutely will not be hosting her for months on end. I think you need to present your dm with a done deal, presenting her with three likely properties and she takes her pick (like Escape to the Country except she has to choose one!), and say you will deal with house sale/solicitors etc. But that staying with you is no longer practicable.

If your brothers don't want her to live alone, they can keep her. Tell your mother no to her request of a prolonged visit and go radio silent.

I am so overwhelmed and so touch by the incredible honesty and insight from every poster. Thank you so much!
It's all been a real light-bulb moment. We've just taken mum as she is because usually this type of behaviour comes with a good portion of outward nastiness. But she's so nice and everyone loves her. My friends ask about her more than they do my kids or DH. Even the cleaner asks, "How's mum?" Even the lovely barista whom I've known for yonks asks, "How's mum? When is she back?" So naturally, I feel like a beast. But the toxic stuff is certainly there and it has shown its hand a lot more with time and age. I feel so free when she's gone. I feel like I'm on holiday at the moment. Sad, I know!

OP don't agree to anything now that you aren't happy to do for the next 10 years. You need to start saying "no, that's not convenient" or "not until x and then only for 3 weeks" (or whatever).

Your dh must be a saint and you a martyr to have put up with this!

Your DH is a very tolerant man. I'd have been off by now if I was him. I love my MIL but a week is more than enough time for a visit.