To be totally over mother's looooooong visits?

[TheVanguardSix]

I come across as mean, I know. I know. She's 82 and a lovely person. But she comes to visit us from abroad and ends up living with us for 6-9 months, up to a year. She is a nice person, but it's incredibly hard work because she's an attention seeker, incredibly needy, comes from a huge, domineering family and can't be alone for a nanosecond.

We just have hit a wall. She left in late January after a 6 month visit and announced the other day that she'll be over in May. We have friends staying in late May. So she said, "Fine, I'll come the first week of June, after they leave." I said "OK".

I told my husband and with such weary exhaustion he said, "No. I need a huge breather from your mum. It's been too dramatic and I think we all need to give her a wide berth."

Any advice as to how to kindly reject my mum, who will react badly to "We want a few months off"? I can hear her now, "No room at the inn. No one has room at the inn for me." It's her mantra. Sigh.

I know she won't be around forever and she's my mother. Those guilt buttons are totally activated! Oh but any advice would be appreciated. How do you say, "Stop!" nicely?

Oh my goodness Vanguard . You and your DH must be saints! How have you coped?!

She's not staying with you 6-9 months. She is living with you in all but name!

I have no doubts your mum knows what she is doing. At the time she of 82 or not!

Please talk with DH and say we need to work out how to say No to get together and how to set limits.

But you do need to.learn to say No. And, sorry Mum but we have plans and You are welcome to come on (x date- you choose!) & stay until (y date- you choose with your DH!) as we need our private time as a family, no matter how much we love you. You understand as I'm sure you wouldn't want to put pressure on us or interfere in our marriage/ filter unit time. The children are looking forward to seeing you in (pick a month)"

If cornered, then tell her"I know you are so thoughtful you wouldn't want to overstay your welcome, so it's lovely that we can talk in this open way and agree a reasonable visit length. You're not one of those mum's that would overstay their welcome"

I always find it useful to tell people with poor boundaries politely how to behave but by pretending it's their idea! I.e. name the elephant in the room but tell them that they are so lovely you KNOW they "wouldn't want to do that"

Please don't let this ruin your marriage nor family time and peace of mind.x

And ignore the emotional blackmail. Just reoaet yourself like broke record with the sweetest voice ever. She'll get the message and learn she can't manipulated you anymore x

There was a thread a few years ago very similar to this.

I might not get all the details correct but the gist was that the OP's parents had decided on retirement to sell their house and buy a hugely expensive RV (this was in the US or Canada) and spend their time traveling.

There were 3 siblings including the OP and the plan was the DPs would travel for 9 months of the year then spend a month with each child visiting in the winter.

All well and good for a while, but as they got older and the novelty of the RV lifestyle wore off these "visits" became increasingly extensive - to the point that they were spending more time with the OP than they were on the road - like you 6 to 9 months of the year.

The other siblings had put their foot down about extended visits (interestingly brothers) and the OP was being pressured into paying to convert the family basement in to a "home" for them - at great expense which the DP's were not expecting to contribute, nor did they provide any financial input whilst they were there.

Like your DH, her partner had, understandably had enough. They were subsiding her DP's lifestyle choices to the detriment of their own children - all "spare" money was paying to feed, house and entertain the parents. He'd never signed up to having her DP's live with them on an almost permanent basis and it was driving them apart.

I quote this to show that this type of thing does happen and it's the sort of behaviour that "escalates" over time.

I bet the visits have grown longer over time? The expectation of what you pay for has gradually encompassed more things?

The point is this is not going to get any better. It's going to get worse, unless you tackle this issue head on. Its an incredibly unfair expectation to have your DH put up with this - it sounds like he is being pushed out of his own home.

As difficult as it may be, like on the thread I described above, you have to have a very hard conversation with your DM - perhaps by letter then a call.

You have to set some very clear boundaries that you and your DH can both agree on - and stick to them come hell or high water.

Agree how many times a year she can visit and the maximum duration. I'd say twice a year for the maximum of 3 weeks was reasonable. She also pays her own way - contributing to food and certainly paying for personal expenses such as dental and haircare.

She won't like it, but tough, her other options are to sell her home and look at assisted living nearby or to stay with one of your siblings (which you know won't happen).

You'll get all sorts of emotional blackmail - but you need to develop a thick skin. Your primary loyalty now is to your DH and DC. Like it or not, your DM is secondary in your decision making - it doesn't mean she's not important, just that she can no longer be central in dominating your family decisions going forward.

At best she doesn't realise how much her behaviour is impacting you and your DH. At worst, she does but doesn't care.

In terms of the former then spelling this out should mean that she wants to change her behaviour to support and help you. As for the latter - well I'm sorry to say it, but she doesn't deserve any further support from you or your DH.

Good luck

Ugh, using the mumsnet app, and can't work out how to preview post first and it auto(in)corrected a few words! ... Family unit i meant and also *repeat yourself like a broken record.
And what happened to my paragraphs?!

Anyway, Good Luck xx😍😍

It's a tough situation, but you do need to put your husband first for the sake of your marriage some good suggestions have been made.

If you MiL spends most of her phone conversations bad-mouthing your SIL, tell her you're not interested and change the subject.

Oh good lord OP. I think this would be the end of most marriages. My DP and I love our mums but I think it would end us if we had to live with one of them.

Where does she sleep when she stays with you?

If there was no other way to stop her at all I would (honestly) move house to somewhere with space only for my DP and DCs. If nothing else would end the staying then I would truly go that far. Not that you should have to, but it sounds like you're in a very difficult position.

The more you post the worse she sounds. I know we should all to an extent take care of our parents in their old age if possible, but not if it is ruining your life and marriage, and she sounds like a huge piss-taker.

I really feel for you. If this were my MIL I would have left by now. Well done for deciding on a plan of action - not at all easy when it's your mum. A bit outraged on your behalf that your brothers can make such wonderful assumptions.

Anyone would know hat loving with someone causes huge changes in interpersonal dynamics and affects a household. She's doing this by stealth. It's time for a serious chat and a two/three week limit on ALL visits. There's no way any visitor no matter how far they travel needs to stay longer than that. That would already be very very generous.

'Anyone would know that living with someone' that should read.

I'm assuming mum must live in Europe to be able to stay longer than 6 months. Even so, I'm assuming this has big implications in terms of her healthcare - I know she's entitled to emergency treatment but at her age what about long term health conditions?

oh I remember the RV grandparents thread too! Grandparental care creep does seem to be a thing...

Your brother wants her to sell up and live with you.

I bet he does.
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He'd be told to go rotate!

You need to put yourself, DH & your children first. I know it's not easy, but you have to pull up your Big Girl Pants and say 'No, it's not convenient for you to stay, we will let you know when it is'. Rinse & repeat. She's totally taking advantage of you and wrecking your marriage it's not on.

If there was no other way to stop her at all I would (honestly) move house to somewhere with space only for my DP and DCs

^^ Try other things first - but not having room for prolonged stays could be last resort.

Do you not have a sudden need for a home office unfortunately removing all space visitor space?

OP, just echoing the genius of others but you MUST tell her No. How could you face your children if your marriage broke down purely as a consequence of failing to stand up to your extended family? Better upset your mother initially than cause the break down of their family unit

I also liked the animal allergy idea. Sorry to be a dick, but if it would end my relationship and my parent wouldn't listen then I would do it.

This is YOUR life and YOUR marriage. I know she's your mum but she sounds amazingly selfish.

Out of interest, what would have been her reaction to her mum living with you all when you were growing up?

I'm guessing she must have basically made a room in the house "hers", and very comfortably so, if she's staying so long at a time with you. So, maybe you need to rethink your house layout and somehow spread out yourselves/DCs/pets/whatever. Surely you need a music room, or a snooker table, or a library/office/study for your extremely studious self/DC/dog. Alternatively you could go really hardcore and fill that space with actual humans. Get a live in au pair, cleaner, gardener, exchange student anything with a pulse. Or maybe this is the time in your life for expanding your family in other ways - another DC or five, adoption, or having your DC's friends over every. single. day?

Okay, I'm obviously kidding maybe, but there may actually be something useful in this if whatever room is "hers" in the house vanishes and her stay is on a sofabed in the noisy living room or whatever. I'm not saying make her sleep on the floor much but if the sheer home-from-home comfort of her stay is not quite so high then she might find herself wanting her own bed rather more often.

More seriously, the fact that she's high-needs offers another avenue for cutting down just how much she enjoys spending her whole life with you. Attend to her at the same level you would any reasonable, functioning adult, and no more. Whilst she's getting what she wants, she'll keep coming back for it. It'll be hard to break that habit, and I don't doubt she'll rake her claws through you emotionally for it, but I suspect that you need to wean her down from this highly dependent state to something more manageable.

I remember the RV people too!

All very King Lear.

Tbh I'm not at all in agreement that the OP should come up with some sort of excuse - allergies, building work etc, nor should she have to consider downsizing her home.

The problem needs to be faced head on.

I strongly suspect that her mother is pretty manipulating and will squash any "issues" robustly. The OP can't keep pandering to her mother and lying about the situation is just a manifestation of that.

There needs to be a frank and honest conversation that the current set up is not sustainable.

She is welcome to visit x times a year for x duration and pay her own way.

If she doesn't like that, then the ball is in her court to sell up and move. That's the bottom line here. That way there would always be "room at the inn" - it's called having her own home in the U.K.

No, OP, you do not come across as mean. It definitely is time to say No. She has moved in with you by stealth. Six months is not a visit, and obviously places huge strain on you and your DH.
It won't be easy, but allowing her to keep doing this could well cause your marriage to break down. As for your brothers, how very convenient it would be for THEM!
Act fast and say no to the next stay. and

Anyone remember who posted RV grandparents?

Oh dear OP, I think your husband is an absolute saint and I think you have to very seriously consider that he might not be a saint for much longer and that you may lose your marriage unles you take action.

I disagree with the suggestions of excuses- you need to tell her simply, firmly and without apology that you need time together as a family. Then repeat. Do not get drawn into her blackmail or hysteria. Unless you want to end of living with your mother and without your husband.

TheVanguardSix This all sounds very difficult.

Are you from a culture where parents live with their adult children?

Can I make a few suggestions.

Draw up some guidelines of what you and your dh would be willing to allow, and then tell your mother and stick to it. Whatever it is.

You can be honest and tell your mum her visits have put a strain on your marriage and it may fail if she continues.

Her behaviour is not normal and by allowing it for so long you have all allowed her to think it is normal. It is not normal or healthy.

Can you afford to visit her (alone no kids) for a weekend or few days and tell her all this on her home turf?

Re "he difficulty is, my eldest brother wants her to rent out her house, live with us and give us rent. I want sanity, not money."

Please tell your brother his is not ever going to happen. There are many choice.

She can sell and move to a different property, she can sell and move to a home, or other relatives could offer to house her, you will not. No discussion, you will not have her to live with you, rent or no rent. End of.

You do not want to handle an inheritance from her, you say, be careful you do not lose out as it sounds like you have supported her for years!

"Dad's been gone 14 years and the house has just rotted."

My mum lived in her house for 5 years after dad died. We (sis and I) thought it was because she was so attached to the house. It was not. It was the overwhelming feeling of fear at having to sell it and do it all. Si and I offered to clean house, arrange estate agent viewings and pick estate agent, mum agreed, sold, moved into retirements flats and all was well.

"And I think over the years, observing how she's handled her own life has made the prospect of her living with us just totally unattractive. We've suggested independent living. No way. She wants to live with her kids. But she doesn't want to live with her kids." What does this mean?

If she wants to live with her kids, well she cannot, it is not a given and in Britain most families are not three generational homes. Just be clear, no, sorry if you want to say sorry, but I cannot handle this.

"I don't know what she wants." well you are going to have to leave her to it. I know it is hard, but really your marriage is at stake!

"...she speaks in tongues the moment you discuss real life with her." Is she religious, can you get her pastor or priest on side. Or do you mean she speaks her native tongue?

"I've learned to suggest very little to my brothers. Weak, I know. But radio silence is their normal response." Call a family meeting and tell your brothers you have had the bulk of looking after mum for most of a decade, their turn now. Be clear and firm.They can help or walk away, but you are not taking responsibility any longer.

You may need assertiveness training to be able to do this. I would really look into this as she has been walking all over you for years.

" So naturally, I feel like a beast." So begin with positive self talk.

Your mum has convinced everyone is very nice, but you know she is toxic to you at times.

So say t yourself " I am going to make moved to sort this all out so I can be free to live my life with my lovely dh."

Phew, sorry, so long! [hugs]