To be totally over mother's looooooong visits?

[TheVanguardSix]

I come across as mean, I know. I know. She's 82 and a lovely person. But she comes to visit us from abroad and ends up living with us for 6-9 months, up to a year. She is a nice person, but it's incredibly hard work because she's an attention seeker, incredibly needy, comes from a huge, domineering family and can't be alone for a nanosecond.

We just have hit a wall. She left in late January after a 6 month visit and announced the other day that she'll be over in May. We have friends staying in late May. So she said, "Fine, I'll come the first week of June, after they leave." I said "OK".

I told my husband and with such weary exhaustion he said, "No. I need a huge breather from your mum. It's been too dramatic and I think we all need to give her a wide berth."

Any advice as to how to kindly reject my mum, who will react badly to "We want a few months off"? I can hear her now, "No room at the inn. No one has room at the inn for me." It's her mantra. Sigh.

I know she won't be around forever and she's my mother. Those guilt buttons are totally activated! Oh but any advice would be appreciated. How do you say, "Stop!" nicely?

My PIL live overseas and are separated so we have MIL or FIL stay for 6-8 weeks or so each of a year. It's hard going. I'm rock solid with my DH but when there is a third person living with you then it takes its toll. There is less time, less energy for a relationship. If I was your DH I would have walked by now. Yes you might upset your mother if you say no to her but how much will it upset your kids if your marriage deteriorates to the point of no return??

OP, my mother is 'lovely'. She can be extremely charming when she wants to be. She looks glam and attractive and can be fun to be around. People can be drawn to her. She's also a raging narcissist and highly toxic. Being able to turn on the charm does not necessarily mean you are a 'lovely' person. Your mother doesn't sound 'lovely' to you, or your husband, or your children

This ^ I know someone who has a mother who most people think is funny, kind, and caring, and a 'total legend.' In actuality, she is a woman (55-ish,) who abandoned her daughter and dumped her on her mother (the girls' nan,) and then did the same with the son she had 10 years later. She has also dumped several dogs on her mother over the years, and drowned 5 newborn kittens that a cat she had gave birth to. In addition, she has stolen multiple 100's from her own mother, (prob several 1000 over the last few years,) and she has had a number of affairs behind both of her husbands back(s.) This is the tip of the iceberg.

Yet everyone thinks she is 'lovely.' Amazing how 'charm,' and the 'gift of the gab' can fool people! This particular woman is a total sociopath who has affected the lives of everyone close to her.

OMG!

Are you the only daughter??

So she's been with you for 6months & 3months later she's telling you that she'll be there again in a few weeks time?

She has absolutely no respect/consideration for you & your family does she?

Fucking hell, six MONTHS? Dinner and drinks is about all I can handle with my mother before I'm gritting my teeth.

I agree with PP, you have to tell her what's what. I'm sorry to say, if I were your DH I'd have left you years ago

Sorry if this has already been said (on lunchbreak) but your mum sounds incredibly lonely and doesn't want to live by herself. I can understand that. But spending her time going from one family member to another isn't the solution. She needs to get used to living alone and finding social comfort in other ways.

Someone above suggested a counsellor for you and DH. It won't change your mum's reaction but it will change how you feel about it.

You (and your DH) are not being unreasonable at all.

I'm glad the replies you are receiving are opening your eyes. From the outside looking in, it sounds as if you have a very difficult mother and you keep her 'happy' at great personal expense to yourself and your husband (and children?).

Everybody has needs and wants and most people try to balance their own needs and wants with those of others. Not so here. It is your mother's needs and wants which are of paramount importance to her and to those around her. Your wants and needs do not seem to occur to her, or to yourself to a certain extent.

Address that imbalance! Do something (thinking, reading, therapy) to find a way for you to FEEL that imbalance (as the disproportionate focus on your mother does not seem to currently feel this way to you). Then act on it. After all, your mother can only be an unwanted houseguest in your house for months and months on end because, ultimately, you allow her to be...

Of course, I make it sound easy and I know life isn't as easy as that, but it is entirely possible for you to change the nature of your relationship with your mother through you behaving differently. You can't change her. But you can stop allowing her to do things which are bad for you. Good luck and I sincerely hope things improve.

Op, I feel for you but as pp have said, you need to stand up to her, set 1 or 2 weeks as a holiday but explain that it.

She doesn't sound nice at all. She sounds very very controlling. She manipulates you.
Not getting presents or cards then saying 'I couldn't get to the shops' is so passive aggressive, like she's blaming you.

Be firm with her but gentle. She'll bad mouth you to your siblings, wail and cry and try to guilt trip you, but stay firm, know that you are doing the best for you and your family.
You do matter. Good luck

Wow. Your DH must be a saint to put up with this, any other sane person would have buggered off by now.

Put your marriage first. Put a stop to it now.

Ye gods that sounds horrendous! I love my parents (and my ILs) but 48hrs is a normal visit, possibly a week for a holiday now and again!

Your mother is ALREADY living with you, she didn't ask and you've just let her. Why??

It's just that she's not paying for her living costs and visits a few people for part of the year that she's not with you.

My parents invited my grandmother to live with us and it was partly positive, although draining for my parents' marriage. That was after a lot of thought and was a whole-family decision, and my grandmother paid her living costs in full. Because that's what reasonable and fair looks like!!

Oh, and your brothers are just as manipulative in this, 'radio silence' is completely unfair to you.

I was thinking of things you could say so that the next visit could only be wedged in between two other things but I think you probably have to just say no. I think anything else will be met with ways round, over and under, and it'll all come tumbling out.

I also agree with a PP who said you need a family meeting BUT...we don't know which countries are involved and the religious and/or cultural background. Although it's not been suggested so far, if you fear any kind of backlash from doing anything about this, then I think you need help from people such as IKWRO/Karma Nirvana or similar kinds of organisations.

PMSL at your brother wanting her to live with you. Of course he does. Gets her off his back.

Stop allowing her to go on holiday with you too.

Tell her if she comes she can only stay for x amount of time and have return flights pre booked.

I agree! No more holidays with you!

I'm sorry but your brothers also seem to be using you too.

Have I misunderstood or is your brother suggesting

Move mum in with you and get rent from her.

What that means is move mum in with you so I don't have to look after her and all the responsibility is on your shoulders but you won't have the right to complain because your getting money to have her there!

Nothing will change until you change it which will be hard but much needed.

Also just to make it clear stop calling it visits she has essentially conned you in to letting her live with you, she stays until she knows your about to break then gives you a couple of months break before moving back in again!

Let her stay for a maximum of a week at a time.
We live with my H's grandmother and most of our arguments are based around her and her behaviour. I can totally understand your husband not wanting a 3rd person in your marriage!

Other people asking after her and inquiring how she is doesn't make her a lovely person. It makes her a memorable one!

If it helps with wording, you could say the issue of the other guests coming in May has made you and DH have a chat about visitors and have agreed that your mum staying with you for half the year (word it as that as it could be she's never really stopped to think about just how long it is she stays) is too much now, she's welcome for a short break of a week or two, but "fully moving in for half the year" doesn't work as a family, if she wants to be in the UK for that long, she needs to find her own place to rent or a hotel, but you don't want to have to host anyone for that long again.

Perhaps also offer for you and your family to visit her - if only to make her think about if her home is suitable.

Also call your brothers, you aren't hosting mum for half the year - if she can't live alone and they won't have her, does a family chat need to be had?

Please stop indulging her in her criticism of your SIL.

Op - your husband has the patience of a saint. There are three people in your marriage. Maybe one day there will only be two... hopefully it will be your mum who steps away and not your husband.

My friends husband has just died. They had a similar scenario to you - she now has a huge amount of regret as there are very few memories of just her and her husband enjoying their lives... they all come with a back drop of her mother and the strain it put on their marriage.

Your future is your husband, not your mum. You need give her clear boundaries and steel yourself for the inevitable backlash when it comes.

I don't know if finances are an issue - if they aren't, perhaps you could look at her staying in a hotel or self catered apartment when she visits, to give you and your husband some breathing space?

good luck

I can't believe that she stays for so long and you pay for hairdressers and dental treatment for her. Does she contribute at all? She doesn't even buy her own grandchildren Christmas or birthday presents when she is living at their parents' expense? Have I got that right?

How utterly selfish of her - she is not a nice person. I have parents older than her who wouldn't dream of doing this and who have to be stopped from paying for treats for everyone.

I agree with PP about your brothers taking advantage of you too - do they have her to stay for six months at a time? Somehow I think not.

Basically she lives with you and pops off for a few visits to other people throughout the year.

It's easy for us to sit here and say 'tell her no'. It must be incredibly hard for you but you know that if you don't it could destroy your marriage.

Has she always been like this? 8 years of living visiting you, prior to that it was your sister/sil.

No matter her age (and I think that's what's making you doubt yourself) you need to be very firm and say 'mum, I can't do this anymore'.

Good luck

Well done for recognizing that you have a problem. It's hard to accept that someone you love and feel obligated to is taking advantage of you. Your DH sounds amazing and together you can deal with this.

Your brothers just want her to be someone else's responsibility - yours.

I'd suggest before you speak to your Mum writing down want you want to say - bullet points - and the likely responses you're going to get. (Get your DH to help you!) You can then tick the responses off (it helps distance you from them as you can mentally say - oooo that's number 1 response:-). Someone told me that you can't change someone, you can only change how you react to them. The above technique helped me deal with my DM.

Bless youVanguard, I feel ever so sorry for you and the dilemma you're in with Mum.
I have lived with elderly relatives too,and although mine were delightful people, I found it very stressful after a while.
You will find yourself providing nursing care for your mother as time goes on. She may well suffer from ill health, and you will be the most likely person left picking up the pieces.
She simply Must not be allowed to continue living off you and your poor husband. This has gone on far too long. Enough already!
It will be hard on you having to say "no Mum ", but it has to be done my dear Van.
You and your husband have bent over backwards for this selfish woman, and it's now over.
Tell her anything you like, that you're in debt, that your dog is sick, whatever it takes. But the word No is long overdue.
Best of British!!

You have to put your own little family first. Your mother is totally in the wrong here and she is extremely selfish.

Just tell her that you need space to be a family and she can't come. Refuse to be drawn into any discussion. Also tell her you will not listen to her bad mouthing anyone, if she starts.

Stand firm, you owe it to your DH, DC and yourself.

oh and don't put it off, now you've decided, call her and tell her today - before she can say "but I've booked my flight already!" and make you feel you have to let her stay. Offer a couple of weeks, and I'd suggest not until September so she has to find somewhere else for a few months. (Not turn up at yours in June then just keep putting off leaving)