To be totally over mother's looooooong visits?

[TheVanguardSix]

I come across as mean, I know. I know. She's 82 and a lovely person. But she comes to visit us from abroad and ends up living with us for 6-9 months, up to a year. She is a nice person, but it's incredibly hard work because she's an attention seeker, incredibly needy, comes from a huge, domineering family and can't be alone for a nanosecond.

We just have hit a wall. She left in late January after a 6 month visit and announced the other day that she'll be over in May. We have friends staying in late May. So she said, "Fine, I'll come the first week of June, after they leave." I said "OK".

I told my husband and with such weary exhaustion he said, "No. I need a huge breather from your mum. It's been too dramatic and I think we all need to give her a wide berth."

Any advice as to how to kindly reject my mum, who will react badly to "We want a few months off"? I can hear her now, "No room at the inn. No one has room at the inn for me." It's her mantra. Sigh.

I know she won't be around forever and she's my mother. Those guilt buttons are totally activated! Oh but any advice would be appreciated. How do you say, "Stop!" nicely?

Vanguard- its not for you to sort out where she lives/what your brothers do - they are all adults ...what she does with her house is not your business - just a breezy its up to you its your house....is all you could have to say in the matter....

your 2d to last post was all about what she wants.....

not a thing about what you want
what your children want
what your husband wants

Whose life is this you are living? I really think you could probably find it helpful to get some counselling/therapy because this is not sustainable but I do think you may find it hard to change the patterns of a lifetime....but every journey etc starts with 1 step and this could be your step if you can do it without blaming your dh that would be better but making the step to say no is the thing...

have a look at the stately homes thread....you'll find lots of support there..

Good I'm glad you're having a light bulb moment. I'm getting very cross with your brothers for suggesting you should have her come to live with you.

What if she becomes ill or infirm while living with you ? Do you want to end up providing free nursing care ?

Do you work OP ? How can you have the time to run around after her ?

I think you need to call a family meeting with your brothers and put your cards on the table. You have articulated your concerns here very well, with a bit of encouragement from the MN community.. talk to your hubby first and agree what's you want to say, so you present a united front.

You need to get her to sell her house, move somewhere with supported living. Does she live in Europe ? Can you use BREXIT as an excuse to get her house on the market and get her resettled ?

Is there a cultural precedent for her to live with her grown up children OP?
Is there a third way? Could she be encouraged to sell her house and buy one closer (but not next door) to you and your siblings to facilitate regular, shorter, contact? Then she has the reassurance of having you and your siblings around, but you have the reassurance that she's only there for a couple of days or that she goes home in the evening....

Where did your grandmother live when she was elderly and alone?

My poor DH... he is a good man. I nearly forgot how good he is in the midst of all this mess. We've been through some proper ups and downs. But he's still here and he's done nothing but support mum. Thank you so much.
I was raised with this stupid martyr complex and its made me nothing but unhappy. This only teaches people to sacrifice their dreams and their happiness for someone else's and it's wrong.

OP, my mother is 'lovely'. She can be extremely charming when she wants to be. She looks glam and attractive and can be fun to be around. People can be drawn to her. She's also a raging narcissist and highly toxic. Being able to turn on the charm does not necessarily mean you are a 'lovely' person. Your mother doesn't sound 'lovely' to you, or your husband, or your children

You mention your brothers - are you the only daughter? Daughters are usually expected to run around after ageing parents and do all the caring and accommodating. Please do not feel obligated to go along with this just because you happen to be a woman. You have a right to peace and quiet just as much as your brothers do

OP, we also live abroad and could never have visits of a few days.
My Parents (dad has now passed away and mum has yet to come out alone) used to come for three weeks every other year. It was enough- I love them dearly and we get on but it was long enough and we were happy to get our space back, they were happy to get back to their lives.

Late MIL though would book open tickets and we'd never know how long she was staying. Her longest visit was 15th Nov to end of Feb the following year. It damaged our relationship irrevocably. Unlike my parents, who, if I was busy one day, would take themselves off for the day somewhere and entertain themselves, MIL would be sat in the armchair downstairs every single morning with a "what are we doing today" face on -- dressed with shoes and handbag-when I came downstairs for a cup of tea.
Dh had to ask her to leave in the end. It was damaging our relationship.

I feel for you OP. Living Overseas means it is not reasonable to give them a three night limit, I totally understand, but there has to be a balance

Brace.

Your mother will do whatever she usually does to keep you in line and your brothers will pitch a fit in case they end up forced to look after her.

Sending hugs. It's tough.

'I really think you could probably find it helpful to get some counselling/therapy because this is not sustainable..'

I can't agree with this more. I was in therapy for years and it was the best thing I ever did. You are already self aware and you're starting to understand the martyr complex and the pressure you have been put under to put other people first. Its so hard to understand all the conditioning by yourself, professional support is absolutely invaluable

If your older brother is so keen on her renting out her house, tell him she can live with him. But if it's rotting away it sounds like she'd never get any tenants anyway.

I'm absolutely astonished that you've put up with this so long. If it had been my mother, the first time she stayed for more than a month I'd have been pushing her out of the door, and certainly wouldn't be asking her back for anything longer than a week or two.

OMD you must be losing your mind
I'd tell her she can't stay again, honestly. You will only visit her.
McCarthy stone etc would be good or she lives with your brothers. You have to put your foot down.

If you were brought up to have a martyr complex, I cannot imagine she was that nice all the time actually. I'm not trying to pick your childhood apart. Just indicate she may just be good at pulling the wool over your eyes.

Your brothers want her to live with you so she can't "visit" them for months on end.
People ask about your mum because she's a permanent feature of your life. And they don't have to live with her.
I don't suppose she's allergic to a particular animal is she? Then you could get a new pet! Or several of them
You're going to lose your (long-suffering) husband and ruin your kids' lives if you don't act. And I doubt your husband would mind being the bad guy if he thought he was going to get his wife and home back permanently. Next time she talks about returning just say 'sorry but we need some extended time as a family unit right now so we'll not be able to have you some time. But brother x would probably love to see you' (revenge is sweet) And if she won't let it drop then bite the bullet and be honest - 'my marriage is suffering because it's rarely just the two of us (and kids) here so as much as we love you we're going to have to say no to visits for now, and no to extended visits in the future. I need to put my husband and kids first'.
I know it'll be tough but just think - that holiday feeling 365 days each year!!!

I have to agree that you need to put your DH & your DC first for once and say no to June, "You can come for 1 week in August, you can't live with us anymore"

Let her weep and wail. Let your brothers deal with her for a change.

If this carries on your marriage will fail, you'll have a breakdown, why were you suddenly the best option once you married? Was she jealous, was she doing the "pick-me" dance so you chose her over your new DH?

You and your husband need some help in shoring up your boundaries - a good counsellor will be a godsend. Once you realise that you have rights too, including the right to some family time of your own, you won't feel quite as guilty about asking your mother to (quite literally) set her own house in order. But escaping the Fear, Obligation and Guilt is a long process, and a difficult one to undergo alone.

When my mum would stay for a few days, we could sit for hours in silence each reading a newspaper, or chewing the fat about something or other. The pil's visit when dh and I lived abroad is, otoh, engraved on my heart. Every morning, as fatowl experienced, they were all ready to go out, with me coming up with trips, squiring them round, treating them, and then providing a full catering service at home. They never put their hands in their pockets once, except... for the time I had a stomach upset, and two days later mil announced she would pay for breakfast (breakfast!) when it was clear that I would not be partaking. Grrrrrr.

Not sure how far away she lives. I would stat with having her for a month 2 or 3 times a year. Obviously if the airfares are expensive then this is not an option.
You need to be upfront & say; Mum we have a lot going on and the kids are growing up. You are welcome to come for 1 month only at a time.

OP . Relationships with aging parents can be brutal. I think you do need time off, though, otherwise by the sounds of it, your mother is going to break your family. At its very bluntest, she's been the child, and been the mother. Now it's your turn. She doesn't get to re-insert herself as the cuckoo chick who pushes everyone else out. I have no idea how I'd do it, but whatever the case, I think you need to (a) distribute her stays more evenly amongst other family members (though that does seem like just passing the hell on somewhat), and (b) limit her stays with you to a maximum of a few weeks, maybe a month at a time. You can't take responsibility for her obstinacy. That's her choice and as a grown woman, she can decide whether she then wants to fix her situation instead of avoiding it.

Whatever the case, I suspect that this is going to be very hard on you, and I imagine you are going to put yourself through the guilt-wringer. I'm sure she will too. I wish you all the best in figuring it out.

It's always all about her OP, isn't it? You repeat that she is a nice person but her actions and words are not those of a nice person. Could she have a high level of narcissism?
Have you heard of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)?

Counselling is all very well, but I think OP needs to take immediate action. As it is her dh has said, "No." He comes across as a decent man, and if a decent person puts their foot down, you have to respect that.

OP must tell dm that the next trip, to which she has already agreed, can be for a certain period maximum (eg two weeks), and that they will be looking at McCarthy & Stones. I think that OP does have to involve her brothers as it affects all of them - particularly the brothers if the OP is going to call time on the lengthy visits.

Do you know your dm's financial position, OP? Often elderly people get really mean, when they do in fact have significant assets. I don't know why this is, but I have experienced it time and time again.

Are you UK based OP? What country is her house in? If Australia then 6 months visit sort of in a far flung way make sense. If its France then absolutely no excuse for this.

I think you have to say no and mean it. You need the break and your DH has said he does too. Six month visits are ridiculous. I have no idea how you juggle that with children and a dog.

Independent living where she can make some friends and not totally rely on family is the way forward.

i expect she is lonely and doesn't have a life anywhere as she isn't there.
Tell her your husband has said no. It will force her to make a life for herself.
Perhaps next year but only for a month. Tell her you can't afford to pay for her treats as it's put you in debt.

What strikes me about this is how much your DH must love and care for you to put up with this. I love my DP an incredible amount and I wouldn't put up with this from his DM for any longer than a weekend! I honestly think you need to put your foot down with your DM (whose behaviour is pretty awful anyway) and give your DH (and yourself!) a break. Manipulative and controlling people are often 'nice' because that's how they manipulate and control. Just say no to her. The worst thing she can do is manipulate you into feeling guilty which she already does a pretty good job of anyway by the looks of it.