To be totally over mother's looooooong visits?

[TheVanguardSix]

I come across as mean, I know. I know. She's 82 and a lovely person. But she comes to visit us from abroad and ends up living with us for 6-9 months, up to a year. She is a nice person, but it's incredibly hard work because she's an attention seeker, incredibly needy, comes from a huge, domineering family and can't be alone for a nanosecond.

We just have hit a wall. She left in late January after a 6 month visit and announced the other day that she'll be over in May. We have friends staying in late May. So she said, "Fine, I'll come the first week of June, after they leave." I said "OK".

I told my husband and with such weary exhaustion he said, "No. I need a huge breather from your mum. It's been too dramatic and I think we all need to give her a wide berth."

Any advice as to how to kindly reject my mum, who will react badly to "We want a few months off"? I can hear her now, "No room at the inn. No one has room at the inn for me." It's her mantra. Sigh.

I know she won't be around forever and she's my mother. Those guilt buttons are totally activated! Oh but any advice would be appreciated. How do you say, "Stop!" nicely?

Bloody Hell!

I think I'd have moved house and not told her where I'd gone!

I agree with others that you need to be bold and honest with her. Your husband sounds great, and I'm sure the two of you can work as a team to ensure that your relationship and family become the overwhelming priority, and tell your mother that from now on her visits will be limited in duration and frequency.

It's not going to be fun, and she's not going to be happy about. I suspect your brothers might have a go at you as well, as you setting boundaries might send her in their direction. But it will be soooooo worth it in the long run!

Good luck and stay strong!!! You can do it!

TheVanguardSix "I was raised with this stupid martyr complex and its made me nothing but unhappy. This only teaches people to sacrifice their dreams and their happiness for someone else's and it's wrong." you were raised by your mum who has prepared you for a life as her skivvy.

Get angry, OP and work out a plan. She needs to know the light bulb has come on and the genie cannot go back in the bottle.

I have not read all the posts but have read all OPs posts and also some others.

I agree with EatsShitAndLeaves "Tbh I'm not at all in agreement that the OP should come up with some sort of excuse - allergies, building work etc, nor should she have to consider downsizing her home.

The problem needs to be faced head on."

Absolutely.

So yes, "There needs to be a frank and honest conversation that the current set up is not sustainable.

She is welcome to visit x times a year for x duration and pay her own way.

If she doesn't like that, then the ball is in her court to sell up and move. That's the bottom line here. That way there would always be "room at the inn" - it's called having her own home in the U.K."

PERFECT advice, please OP take it. 100% And the home needs to be not too close to you and she needs to maintain and keep it and not rely on you doing everything for her.

I remember a similar situation on an old thread, posting link, hope it might help.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1743690-Please-I-NEED-to-know-if-IABU-before-I-take-a-stand-with-my-in-laws

Yes - that's the one Rachel!

Looks like my memory wasn't so great it was a 2013 thread though! as it was the in-laws and not her parents.

Did you have her parents or DF parents living with you when you were children?

Think you need to put your foot or actually both feet firmly down

Is her home in a place you and your family could go to visit to a hotel if her house is a nightmare? So that you can say no she can't come to you but you will come over in October half term or whenever convenient to you and DH

My dad is lovely, but on hearing recently that he was thinking of extending an upcoming visit to 5 nights instead of 3, my wife and I both grimaced. If her mum came to stay for 6 months, I'm not sure I'd survive it.

On so many other threads, the response is often "you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem".

That's what your lovely patient husband has - a partner problem. Don't be that person! Seems he will work with you to tell your mother that extended visits are no longer acceptable.

I get that you love your mum but please please put your own family first. As someone said up thread, your DH and children are your future, not your mother.

My DF was a miserable, selfish, bad tempered old git.

But he would turn on the 'kindly and grateful old gent' act for doctors or nurses or random people who dealt with him occasionally. They would always ask after him.

So personally I wouldn't put great weight on the fact that the cleaner or barista asks after her.

I'm sure it would be a big ask for the OP to be blunt and tell her dm that they need family time/she is no longer welcome for long visits. She clearly doesn't want to cut her off and various comments people have made to the effect of "she needs to make her own life" are a bit harsh. Not many people of 82 are able to change the habits of a lifetime.

I think the OP needs to emphasise how she will be supportive - but at the same time this situation cannot continue and the dm must find permanent UK accommodation. I still think a united front of all the family is the only way. It's to everyone's advantage not to have the dm pitching up at various houses all year.

Don't do any action where sorting things out is your responsibility. I wouldn't even call a family meeting , I would email or phone the brothers and say I'm working on my marriage , mum can't visit us this year or maybe for two weeks later in the year, we will assess in summer. Luckily she has other children! By the way if you want to encourage her to sell the house and look at independent living I think that's a great idea. byeeee!!!

I agree it's a hard conversation - but one that needs to be had.

It strikes me that the mother is likely to feel isolated and lonely and also likes benefiting from having everything paid for her. As such moving to supported accommodation nearish to her daughter is the best solution. Aside from everyone having their own space it would give the mother access to a social network and activities outside the family.

My own parents are thankfully very fit and active in their early 70's and still very happy in the former large family home.

However they have recently started to look at nearby apartments for the over 50's just to see if it's something they might want to think about in 5 years or if the upkeep on their home becomes too much.

My mum was very skeptical about it, but was really surprised how lovely it was. A big 2 bed apartment (doubles with en-suite plus dressing room for the master bedroom), study, utility, cloakroom, large open plan kitchen/dining/lounge with a large balcony overlooking the beautiful communal garden. On top of that there was a communal lounge, restaurant and swimming pool!! You can also hire out guest apartments on the complex for a nominal fee per night for visiting relatives/friends. She said it was nothing like she had anticipated - more like a 5* hotel - and I think they are now thinking very seriously about it.

I appreciate this was very "top end" and super pricy (but easily covered by the sale of the family home) but the thing is, many of these supported apartments are nothing like "old people's homes" and far from what the OP's mother might imagine. There is one near me where one bed apartments sell for circa £150k, plus an annual fee.

It might be worth checking local ones out and seeing what might be possible and what she could afford. Then taking the mother to see one.

Ones like your parents looked at near me are £800K + annual charge

They do indeed look very nice - in fact the restaurant has been awarded 2 AA Rosettes - but when it comes time for me to check in I'll have to see if they've got a shed in the grounds.

OP really needs to know her dm's financial position to ascertain what sort of sheltered accommodation she could stretch to.

Don't feel guilty. We parent our children until they can stand on their own two feet and then it's right that they move on and we are not so much a part of their lives. Would you expect to impose on your children in their marital home for months on end when they're older and have families of their own? Of course not. It doesnt mean you love your mother any less, but this kind of arrangement is unrealistic and is not how life works. You need to prioritise your marriage.

Can you practise role-playing the conversation you need to have with her? Think about the worst case scenario and prepare for it. What is she likely to say? How would you respond? Write down what you want to get from the conversation, and stick to it. Even having some phrases worked out in advance so you're not grasping for ways to express yourself can help. Don't over-apologise. Stand firm.

OP your mum sounds 'stuck' and has found a solution to stop her from having to deal with her rotting house and problems at home. Has anyone even been there? I'm wondering if there is some grim problem she cannot face dealing with or admitting to. And/ or if she is in terrible debt, hence the inability to pay for a single thing.

It's totally not normal and totally unacceptable to behave this way. I would have a discussion with your siblings and be very clear with them that you all need to help her and redefine her role in your lives and help her sort out whatever needs sorting.

Then I would write a joint email saying that you are all very concerned about her and her situation. She needs a home and you feel she needs help which you will (all) give. However, she needs to understand that as of now, these visits no longer work for any of you or your families. They must stop and she must, with your help, make new arrangements.

She might want to consider getting help with repairing her property and clearing it ready for sale since she clearly doesn't want to live there. Then she needs to consider where she might feel safe to live. She doesn't want to be alone, seemingly so suggest sheltered housing or even a care home if she can afford it. Many care homes offer the sort of living that offers company, meals and laundry etc without the need to be ill and in need of physical care.

She will be angry and upset because this suits her. However it does not suit any of you and it has to change.

It will be difficult but you are all allowing her to get away with murder. I'm amazed you've never challenged her on her incredible meanness. Honestly, take off your rose tinted glasses...she's not lovely.

I suspect she's got real problems but she's now made it into your problem and it all needs unpacking and sorting out. Painful no doubt but no way should you let this continue.

Would just saying No you can't afford to have her stay again at the moment.

As pp suggested has anyone been to her home recently. Could it be that it is uninhabitable that is why she needs to stay with you or just being cynical might it be not as bad as is made out and she is renting it out whilst living rent free with you

Very fair point mousey and yes, the one my parents looked at was that sort of money - but thankfully the family home is worth more than that, plus they inherited a lot from my grandparents - so fees aren't an issue. Upshot is they are very fortunate.

I think one of the things standing in their way is the issue of spending "my" inheritance on the fees (the apartment would hold its value) - but I've been clear it's not an issue - I want them to be comfortable and happy. Tbh I think my mum was very taken with the idea that the restaurant could also supply "take away" food you could enjoy in your own apartments - she's a good cook, but I think the idea of having someone else do this a few nights a week was very appealing!

All that said, there are similar set ups all across the country at various price points. Maybe not with a pool and restaurant- but lovely non the less.

I agree finding out what the OP's mother could afford is a good start point.

EatsShit any chance you can message me where that retirement place is/what it's called?! My parents are in a similar position at a similar age and that sounds awesome!

Good grief! My dm is a bit of a pest occasionally, but she sounds like a saint compared to yours. My dm refuses to stay longer than 3 days as it is too long and therefore unfair to my dh/marriage/family life. 3 DAYS!!

Sounds to me like your brothers are also following her lead and putting this on you. Radio silence indeed.

I think you have to tell her that it is having a very negative impact on your marriage and that surely she doesn't want that?

dartmoor - it was this company. They have luxury villages across the U.K.

www.audleyretirement.co.uk/our-villages

Thanks EatShit

Oh dear god op, I hope for your sake, your dh sake and the health of your marriage you will finally get the peace and space you need.

It's critical. You are in grave danger of losing your marriage because of your mother and her ridiculous obsession with being a parasite in your homes.

It's no surprise to me that everyone else thinks she's wonderful

Classic manipulative person behaviour

Your DH has had far more patience than is reasonable to expect, what you've described is a situation where your mother's needs are prioritised over yours (or his).

It's not normal or reasonable!

Your mother and family will no doubt interpret your attempt to define more normal boundaries as a rejection, so prepare for histrionics... Be strong and remember - stepping back from her or setting more reasonable limits about visits is necessary for your own happiness as well as your DH's... You NEED to put yourselves first on this!

Good luck OP, I'd have left if i were in your poor DH's situation and I couldn't see you with a plan to resolve it speedily.. sorry!

So where is yr mother now, while she waits to return to you? I would say that my marriage is in difficulty, and I cannot have any extra pressure at the moment.
If she can organise transport around the country/world, she's perfectly capable of understanding that, even if she doesn't agree and tries to ride roughshod over it. If she's somewhere else at the moment, and you say she can't come back to you, it makes it someone else's problem and you get help to sort it?

Just resurfacing! Forgive my disappearing act! The kids are of course off school and you know all the stuff that comes with that. I watched Panorama's Benefits Cap episode tonight which made me feel so unreasonable about my problem with mum. People have achingly huge mountains to climb. I feel like such a moaner. But in reality, I do have a problem, just on a different scale.

I've been so incredibly moved by the outpouring of advice and stories shared. Thank you!! The thread about the RV lifestyle gone King Lear is about to become my bedtime reading!

Thank you, above all, for reminding me about how good, how solid, and how gracious DH is. I nearly forgot- or at least I've neglected to take into account- that I have a future with him at stake here. I've been so caught up in this frenzy of how to handle mum (who is in the States but from Wales originally), it's sort of consumed me.

Thank you all so much. I can't begin to tell you how incredibly appreciative I am.

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) OP.

Could I please have a link to RV Living ?