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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men on gynae ward

415 replies

roarityroar · 03/04/2017 12:55

Yesterday I was taken into hospital after heavy bleeding. I needed a blood transfusion and then went into theatre for surgery. They ask you to keep all sanitary pads to show how much you're bleeding, which is obviously very personal and after the general anaesthetic I felt groggy and vulnerable.

There are 4 beds in this ward with curtains. Two of the other three women have their partners here. I feel pretty vulnerable as it is and given it's the gynaecology ward AIBU to really not want random non-HCP men just a curtain away when I'm bleeding from my sodding vagina?

OP posts:
LorLorr2 · 03/04/2017 14:25

Would it help you to have a word with a nurse to be reassured that visitors are reminded to respect privacy?

melj1213 · 03/04/2017 14:26

Tbh I don't understand why there is anyone there outside of visiting hours anyway? Surely if they have visiting hours it should apply to everyone? It's one thing if visiting hours were between 9am and 3pm and a patient wanted their kids to pop in for 10 minutes after school at 4pm, I'm sure nobody would mind but why are there visitors there 24/7?

I have been in hospital a lot throughout my life and other than the children's ward where one parent could be there with the patient 24/7, maternity and exceptional cases I don't think I've ever seen people on the ward that weren't patients and staff outside of visiting hours unless the patient had a private room. General wards are not "the more the merrier" and whilst I am sympathetic to people needing support while they are in hospital ... I have never needed a partner/family member to be there overnight because either I'm sleeping (which I don't need them for), I need medical attention (which they'd be in the way of) or I just can't sleep (which means I either watch them sleep or wake them up to chat to ... which would be selfish and disturb the other patients).

TheFairyCaravan · 03/04/2017 14:26

roarityroar you are not in any way, shape or form being even the slightest bit unreasonable.

Visitors should visit at visiting hours, not outside of them.

I hope you're feeling better soon.💐

Original poster
roarityroar · 03/04/2017 14:27

Exactly expat.

The surgeon and two nurses that have looked after me were male. They are professionals, vetted etc. I have no problem with that.

Men here all night, walking around, chatting, when I'm bleeding, half naked and feeling very vulnerable and my blood loss etc is discussed by HCPs within earshot of male strangers... no. It was horrible.

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 03/04/2017 14:28

Why does one person's desire for support trump anothers right to privacy?

The OP is feeling vulnerable, she needs privacy and doesn't want to worry about others seeing her at her most vulnerable. That's ok and allowed.

When I gave birth to DD i was called a dirty cunt by a man for breastfeeding my newborn in my hospital bed. When i needed quiet he was loud, obnoxious and vulgar. Did his right to sit and be a wanker trump my right to rest after being up for 23 hours in labour?

And what if a woman is a rape victim / abuse survivor? She may find men being there incredibly difficult and triggering. Do her rights not matter?

JigglyTuff · 03/04/2017 14:28

LorrLorr - don't gaslight the OP. Hmm

Visitors should only be on wards during visiting hours. There is nothing weird or wrong about wanting designated visiting hours to be respected.

Original poster
roarityroar · 03/04/2017 14:28

Thank you fairy. This thread has made me cry again. I feel for the 46th time in an hour that my wishes, feelings and concerns don't matter so long as other patients can have anyone they like whenever they want them and bugger the rest of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
roarityroar · 03/04/2017 14:29

Exactly, glen. Thank you 💐

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 03/04/2017 14:29

Thanks for the heads up op. I knew about men allowed on post natal wards, but gynae ward didn't know this. It is something that I will be asking during pre-op appointment if none patients are allowed over night. If they are I shall be making alternative arrangements.
I don't see any need at all for partners to be on ward over night. It isn't allowed on other wards so why is it acceptable for any female related wards?
There are many different occasions when it could be argued that it would be nice if partners could stay on ward overnight. But they aren't allowed. It's bad enough sharing a ward with actual patients but to also have extra people. Why?
Yes hospital is scary. Yes ops are scary. Your on the heart bypass ward you don't have partner staying. You've undergone spine surgery you don't have partners. I could go on.

KenAdams · 03/04/2017 14:30

Sorry for wanting DH with me while I miscarried yet another baby. I should have put everyone else first. Selfish, selfish me.

PlayOnWurtz · 03/04/2017 14:31

Oh fuck off with the what ifs. We have 2 women on this thread currently sat on gynae wards with opposing views on this issue. It will never be resolved because there is no middle ground on it.

Op I wish you a speedy recovery and I have been where you are and it is horrific. You just want to curl up and ignore the world and anyone who comes into it should just fuck off. I get that I really do. However for every one of you there is one of me who needs the support of their spouse and should be afforded it. It's crap and you're hurting and feeling isolated but so am I. Why should your wants trump my needs?

expatinscotland · 03/04/2017 14:31

Ken, it is selfish to expect others to put up with a non-patient overnight in hospital when they are also ill and ailing. They have a right to rest and recover in privacy without non-patients in there.

willothewisp17 · 03/04/2017 14:32

roarityroar everyone on the ward matters in a different way, if the men there during the night aren't their for an emergency or something serious and are just there for company then no, can't just have people wandering around like its a lounge. if something critical has happened, then yes, occasionally people will need extra support in the small, lonely hours of the night. sorry you're upset, hope you feel better soon 🐣

VestalVirgin · 03/04/2017 14:36

you can't really expect everyone of the opposite sex to be banned.

Yes you can.

Why is it that it used to be accepted that women do not want to sleep in the same room as a male stranger for centuries; and now, women are not only expected to be sleeping in rooms with men in them, but are expected to be seriously ill and possibly not even able to move while awake, with male strangers in the room, and not even a nurse there to keep an eye on the men?

In a world where men get away with rape for telling a judge that they "thought she wanted it" because she agreed to go to a hotel room with him; it is very, very, very unreasonable to expect women to suddenly trust that men will behave on a hospital ward.

confusedat23 · 03/04/2017 14:36

Having been sat in Gyne ward with my DH whilst awaiting news of if I needed surgery for an Ectopic pregnancy I can assure you the only thing that were on his mind were:

  • Are we going to lose the baby, and at the same time have to send his wife down to theatre
  • The lady in the private room next to us screaming and crying about her misscarriage (Obviously this is very understandable but even a private room with 4 walls and a closed door didn't keep this private)
  • Why there was no male toilet on the ward

He really did not care less for peeping through curtains or for listening into what was wrong with other people. His main concern was me and out future DC. The only reason the lady in the room was a concern was I think everyone in the hospital could hear her so it was impossible for him not to be concerned by that.

Would it bother you if it was a female visitor? If it wouldn't then sorry OP I think YABVU

expatinscotland · 03/04/2017 14:36

So visiting hours and single-sex wards are now wants?

Cleanermaidcook · 03/04/2017 14:37

Sorry you're unwell op but..
Thing is, if they're there in the night time there surely is a pressing reason, as most hospitals won't allow visiting in the night from anyone except in extreme circumstances.
I was admitted to hospital late evening while having a miscarriage, my dh was allowed to stay by my bed for a few hours (we closed the privacy curtain) - he was losing his child too, he really wasn't interested in what was happening in the other beds. I think it would have been harsh of the hospital to make him leave at a time when we both needed each other. There was another man at another bed, I didn't have a problem with him being there, if the hospital deemed there a need for him to be there must have been a good reason.
Men are people too you know and really wouldn't be interested in or even aware of what was going on in the other beds.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2017 14:38

Why would there be a male toilet on a GYN ward? They go out and use a visitor's toilet. It's not there to cater to men.

Theresnonamesleft · 03/04/2017 14:39

Yes men are people too. But alas they aren't the patient. Why should none patients trump the wants of all patients?

halcyondays · 03/04/2017 14:41

Yanbu to feel vulnerable and hope you are better soon. I wouldn't have thought they would allow anyone to have visitors overnight unless the person was very ill?

And to those saying the NHS can't afford the luxury of private rooms, the Ulster Hospital, which is being rebuilt, has just opened a new block with 100% single rooms.

BBCNewsRave · 03/04/2017 14:42

YANBU for feeling like that, although I don't agree men should be banned. As PP have mentioned, there should be some discretion about it though, eg. not overnight unless exceptional circumstances. I've been admitted to a gynae ward twice; the time my partner came with me I was taken to my bed and they immeditately drew the curtains - in hindsight I guess that was for other patients' privacy, whereas when it was just me they left it up to me to close curtains or not. (Visiting hours were daytime except meal times.) Discretion to chuck out loud/obnoxious partners would be good though...

Hope you're on the mend soon. Flowers

confusedat23 · 03/04/2017 14:43

wow sorry Explain I didn't think it was unreasonable to wonder why male visitors might need a toilet... maybe I should have further explained at our hospitals they don't have VISITOR and PATIENT toilets they are all the same...

halcyondays · 03/04/2017 14:45

On most wards, the toilet is only for patients, not visitors.

stitchglitched · 03/04/2017 14:45

In my hellish experience of being on an ante natal ward where men seemed to stay all hours was that most of the men weren't quiet and respectful. They were loud, on the phone, turning up the bedside TVs, sprawled out on the beds, using patient loos. Luckily I was ill enough to be moved to a side room but I would have discharged myself if that hadn't happened. It is bloody outrageous what women, ill vulnerable women, are expected to put up with. I don't care how nice your partner is, I don't want to sleep in the same room as him.

Morphene · 03/04/2017 14:46

Its not U to want privacy from non-HCP. It isn't U to want visiting hours to be stuck to. It would IMO be unreasonable to require more privacy from some patients than others based on their gender. ie. wanting to only have people of a specific gender on your ward. That isn't an issue here because its a Gynae ward. It is U IMO to have an issue with male visitors more than female visitors.

So the OP is unreasonable for stating it is only male non-hcp she has an issue with. Having a problem with all non-patient, non-hcp I'd have been all on board with.