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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men on gynae ward

415 replies

roarityroar · 03/04/2017 12:55

Yesterday I was taken into hospital after heavy bleeding. I needed a blood transfusion and then went into theatre for surgery. They ask you to keep all sanitary pads to show how much you're bleeding, which is obviously very personal and after the general anaesthetic I felt groggy and vulnerable.

There are 4 beds in this ward with curtains. Two of the other three women have their partners here. I feel pretty vulnerable as it is and given it's the gynaecology ward AIBU to really not want random non-HCP men just a curtain away when I'm bleeding from my sodding vagina?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 03/04/2017 13:43

FFS! There was a campaign to end mixed-sex wards but it's okay when it's a women's issue ward - pre/post natal/GYN. YANBU.

Trifleorbust · 03/04/2017 13:45

It's just selfish and indicative of women's privacy being an after thought yet again.

I'm going to try to say this gently but I think it's possible that you are one being selfish here, OP.

Everyone feels vulnerable when they are in hospital. It isn't nice and most people want their partner (usually of the opposite sex) to be able to visit them. I get that you feel extra vulnerable around men and can't relax but the staff are there to keep you safe and visiting hours mean it isn't constant anyway. It would be very unfair for you to insist that your (fairly extreme) emotional response to the presence of men dictate that I or any other woman can't be visited by male loved ones.

juneau · 03/04/2017 13:45

YANBU OP. Visiting hours are for visiting. The rest of the time visitors should be turfed out unless the visited person has a private room. It's hard enough to rest and recuperate in hospital as it is, with all the noise and bustle at all hours, but to have visitors on wards outside visiting hours is unacceptable. The 'rights' of the other women in the room to 'support' is not greater than your right to privacy.

PlayOnWurtz · 03/04/2017 13:45

Sometimes partners should be there. I'm currently waiting for a post miscarriage procedure and feeling pretty fucking emotional and vulnerable right now and in need of my husband. But instead I'm stuck on a ward where I am not even afforded the privacy to cry in peace. Right now I'm being selfish. Right now I should be allowed my husband with me until I go to theatre.

Beadoren · 03/04/2017 13:45

Hazey,

What if the patient is critical?

HumphreyCobblers · 03/04/2017 13:46

I think it is awful they allow visitors all night.

I can imagine that I PERSONALLY would have like my own DH to be with me at night in hospital, but I realise that not everyone feels about my DH as I do. To others he is a strange man cluttering up the place, possibly snoring and using patient loos. And although he would be polite and considerate I know other men may not be. So people should not be allowed overnight visitors in hospital.

It never used to be allowed, so what has changed?

Trifleorbust · 03/04/2017 13:46

But I agree that visits should be restricted to visiting hours, for men and women.

hazeyjane · 03/04/2017 13:48

May have have sexual trauma and therefore needed support during examination.

Yes, and someone may be in hospital as the result of a sexual trauma on their own, and have to try and sleep with a strange man a curtain away.

I felt scared and alone when I had was in hospital, dh had to find a friend to stay with as we were so far from home, I arrived by ambulance at 10pm having had emergency brain scans and lung xrays, I had gone from losing a baby to being told I would have to start chemotherapy and would be in hospital in London for at least 6 weeks establishing treatment. I was bleeding so much I couldn't stand up. I felt pretty vulnerable. But I would not expect the women around me to have my dh sleeping next to them!

Roarity and PlayonWurtz - I hope you both recover soon.

Original poster

roarityroar · 03/04/2017 13:49

Exactly expat. What's the difference between this and mixed sex ward?

OP posts:

Natsku · 03/04/2017 13:49

They shouldn't be there overnight though because patients need to rest so YANBU OP for not wanting them there excessively outside of visiting hours (I think some leniency should be allowed outside visiting hours during the day but not at night when people need to sleep) but it would be unreasonable to not let male partners visit at all. Also gowns that only tie up are very unreasonable! Hospitals in my country give patients comfy pyjamas to wear, gowns are only for surgery.

Can always be worse though - mixed sex wards are the norm in hospitals in my country, I've shared with elderly men while having to use the potty toilet by my bed, and had to store all my wee in a jug for everyone to see.

willothewisp17 · 03/04/2017 13:50

at the end of the day, if they weren't meant to be on the ward at that time of night, nurses wouldn't allow it anyway, so must be there for some sort of exceptional circumstance regarding their partners who also share the ward. simple as that. other than getting out of bed and asking them to leave, what can be done? it's a shame your unwell and feeling vulnerable, but like I said, others may be feeling vulnerable too, no one knows their circumstances and I'm sure a ward of such a type doesn't just let people (men or women) in randomly during the night, there must be a reason.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2017 13:52

Why should the OP have to get a private room if she wants privacy, rather than the other women with husbands/partners there having to get a private room if they want someone there?

I don't think anyone would begrudge someone having their partner there if they're having a miscarriage etc, but just someone staying the night for no reason is ridiculous.

user1489179512 · 03/04/2017 13:53

The men who are visiting their partners are unlikely not to know about sanitary products. Not sure they would be that interested in looking at them either. Don't let it trouble you.

soapboxqueen · 03/04/2017 13:55

Sorry. Men should not be staying overnight on a female ward. My local hospital had extended hours for partners which was basically 8-8 which is more than sufficient.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/04/2017 13:56

I cannot relax with strange men around when I'm this vulnerable. Visiting hours are there for a reason. It's just selfish and indicative of women's privacy being an after thought yet again.

Sorry but selfish, really? I wanted my DH there after being told some of the hardest information anyone has to ever have.

I understand you are feeling unwell but YABU.

HumphreyCobblers · 03/04/2017 13:57

Saying that the visiting men are not likely to be interested in the OP's situation is missing the point - the OP feels stressed with strange men around her at this vulnerable time and that IS the situation. Telling her not to be stressed is pointless.

All night visitors should not be allowed. Mixed sex wards are massively frowned upon in the NHS so I am really not sure why this is allowed at all.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2017 13:58

But surely not everyone is in that position, Piglet. It's like with the post natal wards allowing men to sleep over - yes, in some circumstances nobody would mind someone staying but if everyone stays surely the privacy of the women is affected.

Trifleorbust · 03/04/2017 13:58

ImperialBlether:

I agree with you if the visit needs to be overnight - the person wanting their visitor should get the private room. But if the visit is during the day, the OP needs to accept that this is widely regarded as normal and she is the one who needs to make other arrangements to ensure her own comfort.

Rainydayzandmondays13 · 03/04/2017 13:59

So other ladies are not allowed to have their partner's with them for support? How lovely. Yabu

goodpiemissedthechips · 03/04/2017 13:59

I'm seeing a lot of responses here talking about the men's rights

PlayOnWurtz · 03/04/2017 13:59

I agree men shouldn't be there overnight but for day cases like mine there Should be some flexibility. My husband doesn't give a shit about anyone else he just wants to hug me and have a hug in return. I've been seriously ill on a gynae ward too and had emergency visits during visiting hours, I was too poorly to give a shit and tbh none of the visitors gave a shit either because they were visiting their families.

Yes men shouldn't be there overnight but ffs have some common sense about it.

PlayOnWurtz · 03/04/2017 14:00

Emergency visits from medics and surgeon's i should say

willothewisp17 · 03/04/2017 14:00

op, how VERY selfish of the other women in the ward needing support from their loved ones for reasons and circumstances unknown...

Morphene · 03/04/2017 14:01

I wish women didn't feel so vulnerable about bleeding from the vagina.

I wouldn't feel embarrassed about bleeding from a leg injury, I wouldn't care who saw it and I wouldn't mind if they were men or women.

Why is blood from the vagina so shameful?

I also don't understand why women feel more embarrassed my male presence than female. I think if anything I am marginally more comfortable being seen in a state of undress / hospital gown by men than other women...because I feel more judged by women for some reason.

In spite of the above I think YANBU. Visiting hours should apply to partners (of whatever sex), any time it isn't a private room. There shouldn't be non-patients around 24/7.

user1489179512 · 03/04/2017 14:01

Lol

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