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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men on gynae ward

415 replies

roarityroar · 03/04/2017 12:55

Yesterday I was taken into hospital after heavy bleeding. I needed a blood transfusion and then went into theatre for surgery. They ask you to keep all sanitary pads to show how much you're bleeding, which is obviously very personal and after the general anaesthetic I felt groggy and vulnerable.

There are 4 beds in this ward with curtains. Two of the other three women have their partners here. I feel pretty vulnerable as it is and given it's the gynaecology ward AIBU to really not want random non-HCP men just a curtain away when I'm bleeding from my sodding vagina?

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 03/04/2017 14:47

The visitor toilets are off the wards, in the corridors or reception areas. Visitors shouldn't be using toilets on the ward at all.

stitchglitched · 03/04/2017 14:49

There are good reasons why some women would feel more uncomfortable with men than other women and it is utterly disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

LakieLady · 03/04/2017 14:53

I fail to see why the privacy should be paramount here over and above other patients having support from family.

Because everyone on the ward benefits from privacy, but only the person receiving the support benefits from having family present. If their presence is to the detriment of other patients, visitors should be restricted to visiting hours, other than on maternity units.

I'd bloody hate having other people's partners present all night. Patients should be entitled to privacy and dignity as far as possible.

I don't think the OP is BU at all.

lazytuesday · 03/04/2017 14:54

I do feel sorry for you but its not really those other womens fault. I know if i was ill id want my husband visiting me for support. Really they should have separate wards for women who for whatever reason do not feel comfortable having men around. The problem is cost!
Thats also why they allow men on the wards because there arent enough staff. When i was on the maternity ward i dont know what idve done without my husband there because i can tell you there were next to no staff around half the time and i couldnt walk!

treaclesoda · 03/04/2017 14:57

No adult needs another adult to be there 24/7 when they're in hospital. That's what the HCPs are there for.

And that is the heart of the problem. There aren't HCPs on wards, or certainly not enough of them. You can lie in agony for hours, without access to a buzzer, and no one comes near you. It's not a surprise that people feel desperate for someone to support them and turn to their family for help. The government were even suggesting a couple of years ago that basic nursing (feeding, washing etc) should be carried out by family membersHmm Shock Although I think they backtracked on that.

Instead of being outraged at how selfish some women are for wanting support from their partner, or how selfish other women are for wanting other people's partners to not be allowed, we should all be outraged at the situation in hospitals that sees people routinely suffering pain, distress and lack of dignity due to lack of compassionate care and staff shortages.

Trifleorbust · 03/04/2017 14:58

5moreminutes:

I'm not sure that's the case.

OP, in your post of 13.33 you implied that you don't think men should be allowed at all - is that right or have I totally misinterpreted you?

RachelRagged · 03/04/2017 14:59

Load of snowflakes needing hubby help all day and night after a C section, how pampered. I've had 4 and not once did DH stay all night. Ffs. OP yanbu. Bloody ridiculous all this.

lazytuesday · 03/04/2017 15:00

treaclesoda exactly i couldnt agree more! we shouldnt be fighting with each other about this. We all should be able to be supported in hospital. Thats what we should be campaigning for. Not to 'ban men' or to make sure men are allowed... but for smaller wards and more staff so that there would be space and staff numbers to make some wards exclusively for women and some which allowed partners.

muhajaba · 03/04/2017 15:02

I'm really surprised that there are men there..I had an operation a few years ago and men weren't allowed in the ward I was on. It was just a throat operation so not even Gynae ward or anything more personal. That was in Manchester. Another patient's husband kept coming in and the nurses kept telling him he had to go out. YANBU at all OP, I hope you get better very soon Flowers

PollyPerky · 03/04/2017 15:02

So you are saying that male visitors should be banned from wards where women have had operations 'below the belt'. What about maternity wards where all women are bleeding post birth or have had stitches?

If you need to change a pad, assume you do that in the loo, or on your bed after closing the curtain and turning your back so no one else can see through any gaps.

Can't think how this could be sorted to your satisfaction other than you request a private room if the hospital has them and pay the cost per day.

lazytuesday · 03/04/2017 15:02

rachelragged 'how pampered'.... FFS. Im glad you were able to cope but maybe you could have a go at trying to understand that not everyone who gives birth will be having the same experience as you and that some women wont be able to cope alone and that doesnt make them pampered!!

Morphene · 03/04/2017 15:04

stitch if women have a specific reason for not being able to tolerate a male presence then they should surely announce such an additional need and be given the additional privacy. I don't think that is a reason to assume all women feel exceptionally vulnerable in the presence of men or to exclude men from all wards just in case.

If your issue is simply that you are far more squeamish about a strange man seeing your blood than a strange woman, then I think that is your own problem to deal with.

JigglyTuff · 03/04/2017 15:04

Yes we should be outraged. But as you say, this is a policy to outsource basic care to family members. By insisting that our partners stay, we are putting vulnerable women who can't have partners staying with them for whatever reason at risk and playing right into Tory policy.

Well done.

DJBaggySmalls · 03/04/2017 15:04

I feel for you roarityroar Flowers
I want privacy and dignity in hospital.If there are bays on the ward I'd ask for the women with visiting men to be in one and the women who want privacy to be offered the other.

Applebite · 03/04/2017 15:06

Lucky you, Rachelragged. I'm glad yours went so smoothly!!

I would have been far more traumatised by my tiny newborn crying when I couldn't move to get her than I was by having partners on the ward. And I would have had no chance of breastfeeding her without his support. What was I supposed to do, get one of the doctors to milk me like a great big white coated milkmaid?!

However I do think there is a difference between a labour ward and other wards.

Theresnonamesleft · 03/04/2017 15:07

So Polly. A ward of say 4 patients and two don't want men staying the night. But one does, the ones that don't want should pay up for a private room?

PollyPerky · 03/04/2017 15:07

Surely visitors are not allowed overnight stays on the ward? Never ever heard of this. Visitors roaming the wards all day and night?
If so, you should raise it there and then or your family should. Do you have visitors and can they speak on your behalf?

SenseiWoo · 03/04/2017 15:07

I really do get both sides of this.

I think what the NHS should do as a minimum is put women who want male partners with them together, and women who are or want to be away from unknown men overnight elsewhere.

In a less sexist and insensitive world, funding this would be seen as much more of a priority than it is.

conserveisposhforjam · 03/04/2017 15:08

load of snowflakes needing hubby help all day and night after a C section, how pampered. I've had 4 and not once did DH stay all night

Well done you. Here's your biscuit Biscuit

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/04/2017 15:09

Load of snowflakes needing hubby help all day and night after a C section, how pampered. I've had 4 and not once did DH stay all night. Ffs. OP yanbu. Bloody ridiculous all this.

Well aren't you a delight.

PollyPerky · 03/04/2017 15:09

I have never ever heard of visitors being allowed to stay overnight. IMO this only happens in life/ death circs and then the patient is in a side room or visitors sleep in a room designated for them.

Theresnonamesleft · 03/04/2017 15:10

And where are all these extra wards going to spring from?
Then what happens when other patients say hang on a minute I've had triple heart bypass I want my partner on ward overnight? Or patients on hdu want the same?

nottinghamgal · 03/04/2017 15:11

Yabu I'm afraid.

My mil was put in a gyno ward for the last days of her life. Eventually with 24 hours til she died she did get her own room but before then she was on a ward. And guess what?? We wanted to visit and be with her and comfort her and look after her during her last days.

Doublechocolatetiffin · 03/04/2017 15:12

I think you are being a bit unreasonable op, mainly because you've singled out men as the issue and not visitors outside of visiting hours.

I recently had an ERPC and having my DH with me kept me vaguely sane though the process. It would have been awful without him there. In fact the only time I felt truely awful was in recovery when a lady who'd just had a c-sec and her newborn was wheeled in and parked opposite me. He wasn't allowed with me at that point and it was horrible dealing with it on my own.

I think sadly the NHS just isn't as good or efficient as it could be. It lacks organisation and often the staff are very disheartened. These problems could be solved with more private rooms and better organisation of wards, but there isn't the financing to do that.

RockyTop · 03/04/2017 15:13

I have never ever heard of visitors being allowed to stay overnight. IMO this only happens in life/ death circs and then the patient is in a side room or visitors sleep in a room designated for them.

In my experience it happens increasingly frequently. That may be, as other posters have alluded to, because staff are thinner on the ground than they should be.