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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men on gynae ward

415 replies

roarityroar · 03/04/2017 12:55

Yesterday I was taken into hospital after heavy bleeding. I needed a blood transfusion and then went into theatre for surgery. They ask you to keep all sanitary pads to show how much you're bleeding, which is obviously very personal and after the general anaesthetic I felt groggy and vulnerable.

There are 4 beds in this ward with curtains. Two of the other three women have their partners here. I feel pretty vulnerable as it is and given it's the gynaecology ward AIBU to really not want random non-HCP men just a curtain away when I'm bleeding from my sodding vagina?

OP posts:
GrapesAreMyJam · 04/04/2017 19:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

madcatsforever · 04/04/2017 19:58

8 weeks ago I had a hysterectomy. I was in a 4 bed bay for my 3 day stay.

Visiting was open visiting 0900-2100

Things I hated:

Visitors outside of the 12 hours allocated
The magic curtain removing all privacy
Being able to hear, see and smell other patients and knowing they could do the same

However, having said that I wasn't at any point looking at anyone else's visitors and wondering if they were some kind of predator/ sexual deviant.

I didn't find it difficult to remain covered up at all times whether I was post surgery in the hospital gown or later on in my own pyjamas and dressing gown.

Overall, I was glad that my husband could visit. I was struggling emotionally with the hysterectomy and support from him and my other visitors really helped, as well as breaking up the boredom. I don't think it's unreasonable for visitors to be asked to leave once visiting time is over - except for emergency/ end of life situations, where I'd like to think that where possible those people would be afforded a private room.

Our NHS is fabulous and under massive pressure, I tried to ignore the things which I found annoying for what was a relatively short time. Truth is there are too many people needing care and just not enough space or resources to please everyone.

hazeyjane · 04/04/2017 20:06

Well this degenerated rather, didn't it. Everybody has different needs - god I would have loved to have dh with me all night after miscarrying, 2 erpcs, haemorrhaging and then finding out I had cancer - but I realised it wouldn't be fair to others on the ward, some of them might have been fine with it, someone else might have been terrified. I know my dh is lovely and just wanted to be with me, but they didn't know that

JigglyTuff · 04/04/2017 20:10

Things I have managed to do as an adult without needing a partner there:

had a miscarriage at 16 weeks
had an abortion
had a c-section

HCPs are quite capable of looking after you. Wanting your partner there is not the same as needing. You're an adult. Your wants shouldn't take precedence over the needs of more vulnerable patients.

LorLor - I don't think visitors are reminded of privacy. Yes, I know exactly what gaslighting means, thanks. Your post read to me like you were minimising the OP's anxieties and implying that vulnerable women have nothing to fear from predatory men. Apologies if I got the wrong end of the stick.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/04/2017 20:17

YANBU

Megatherium · 04/04/2017 20:17

Salt, you say that partners of other patients in the ward were surrounding your bed? Really? Did you call a nurse for help and to complain?

MaisyPops · 04/04/2017 20:23

YANBU to feel rubbish and vulnerable.

YABU to expect other women not to have their partners there during visiting hours. If i was unwell in hospital and was told I couldnt havr my husband visit id be annoyed.

Things I have managed to do as an adult without needing a partner there:
Just because you CAN gi through them without support doesnt mean that people should be refused support from their partner.
Based on the OPs situation its fine for a mother ot sister to visit because theyre women. Great way to make people who dont have family near by or around at all feel really crap whilst other people have their visits.

hazeyjane · 04/04/2017 20:29

Mausypops this was at night though, would you want partners there all night?

MaisyPops · 04/04/2017 20:34

If i have my curtains closed and theres staff around then it wouldnt bother me.
Id be bothered if tbey were noisy etc but if theyre just giving support/comfort to their loved one. They have zero interest in me.

Missswatch · 04/04/2017 20:35

Perfectly fine to have their male partners there. Women in hospital might want their partners support

Besides, with NHS cuts be thankful you got what you got. You can't have every demand catered for

PlayOnWurtz · 04/04/2017 20:40

Well bully for you jiggly I'm sorry we aren't all as amazing as you

UnbornMortificado · 04/04/2017 20:41

I massively sympathise when it comes to mc/babyloss.

In an ideal world a private room would be available where partners or family could stay.

When I lost my son I was in a bay with three mother's and their baby's. There just wasn't a room other then sticking me in a cupboard there was no other option.

hazeyjane · 04/04/2017 20:44

It took 40 minutes if pressing my buzzer in the middle of the night, I ended up staggering around the ward trying to find someone, it was like a ghost ship!

Any safeguarding issue assumes that there could be 1 person who doesn't have the best intent, it may be one out if 1000s who are fine, but one is enough to make the guideline necessary.

MaisyPops · 04/04/2017 20:46

PlayOnWurtz
Just treat that example as one of the many other posts of "you think you have it bad. My situation is worse. I managed. So should you"

grannytomine · 04/04/2017 20:46

UnbornMortificado, I am so sorry that happened to you. I massively support the NHS and I know they can't always have the rooms/facilities that everyone needs but I think your situation should be a priority. Having said that I was put in a linen cupboard when my first son was born, I was in a delivery room and there was literally nowhere to put us and someone else needed the delivery room quite urgently so they wheeled me and baby in a cot into a linen cupboard and left us to have a sleep before we went to the ward. I have been in worse places than that cupboard, it was quiet and we were alone and it makes me smile to think of it.

I hope you are OK.

Missswatch · 04/04/2017 20:48

Two women are killed every week by their partners. Some of those men are going to be hanging around the gynae ward

Yeeeahhhh.... ok. Because the gynae ward is full of murderers. I guess that's where most murders happen eh?

Meanwhile in the real world, many women want the support of their partners

peachgreen · 04/04/2017 20:58

Imagine trying to make other women feel bad about how they handled their miscarriage. How utterly vile. Jiggly, it's great that you're so independent - but I was suicidal after my miscarriage and I needed my husband with me. What's more, he needed to be there - he was losing his baby too. You can judge me and insinuate I'm a child all you like - it's still the truth.

Why is their insistence on not being in the same room as a man a 'need'? It's a want just as much as my want for my husband to be with me. Ultimately, as I said before, there's no pleasing everyone, so the best way to handle it is on a case by case basis as hospitals currently do.

peachgreen · 04/04/2017 20:59

Unborn I'm so sorry that happened to you. How utterly awful. And I'm so sorry for your loss

SuperSheepdog · 04/04/2017 20:59

Yanbu. Friends relatives and partners should visit during visiting hours. They should also be restricted to no more than two at a time to avoid over crowding and intruding on the other patients.

My dad was in hospital recently and the guy in the bed next t9 him had upto ten family members visit at a time Hmm they over spilled into my dad's bay and made a lot of noise. There were dying patients, though this particular guy was in for something quite minor (all recounted very loudly by him).

Hope you're better soon OP Flowers

53rdAndBird · 04/04/2017 21:00

I could understand why hospitals might make an exception and let a partner stay overnight if a woman had just lost a baby. Other wards will often do that if a patient is dying.

But "let's just throw visiting hours out of the window altogether for everything, because my Herbert is lovely" - no, that's not fair on the other patients.

grannytomine · 04/04/2017 21:00

The mixed ward I was on was mainly male (cardiac and more men seemed to be suffering from heart problems than women.) I think they managed it well, one woman was in a side room by herself and I was in a bay with another woman and we were right by the nurses work station, I don't know if that is what it is called but the desk where they used the computer, answered the phone etc.

Most of the time we had a nurse or HCA working within 2 or 3 feet of the nearest bed (mine,) We certainly couldn't have had the male patients bothering us without it being noticed, not that they were well enough to bother us anyway. The only downside was noise, nurses talking to each other or on the phone, and they obviously needed a reasonable amount of light which wasn't helpful through the night.

The bathrooms and toilets were unisex but I never thought about it to be honest as they had decent locks on the door and I never felt someone was likely to burst in on me.

They were strict on visiting but there was a room where families could sleep if someone needed to stay but it wasn't used while I was there.

gingertigercat · 04/04/2017 21:10

Op yanbu. Support of a partner overnight when feeling vulnerable is a want (although of course it is something most people will want very very badly).

However the chance to rest and sleep in order to recover is a physical need. I don't think it's possible for people to sleep as well as they need in a room with not only 4-6 other people but their visitors (possibly of another sex) too.

Subject to extreme cases, visiting hours should be adhered to.

JigglyTuff · 04/04/2017 21:13

I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm pointing out that medical shit happens. And gynaecological medical shit is just another form of it.

If you have breast cancer, do you think your partner should stay over? What if you need a leg operation? Or your ear isn't working properly?

There is nothing medically special about gynae stuff. There is an emotional element of course but psych wards have loads of suicidal people on them. They don't have their partners there 24/7.

For the avoidance of doubt, I was utterly miserable when I had my abortion. I was distraught when I had my miscarriage. I would have liked to have my partner there on both occasions but I accepted that it was a hospital and they weren't a patient.

And that's what I mean about being an adult

oxcat1 · 04/04/2017 21:18

I am a little confused about why we are drawing so many distinctions between a gynae ward and any other?

I understand the argument where it concerns a pregnancy, and/or a baby, but I am not entirely sure why a gynae admission should be any different from any other medical admission?

I am current week 6 of a hospital admission, having spent 4 of those in Critical Care. The ward there was mixed: one huge room with numerous beds and a nurse to each. Occasionally a patient's relatives would arrive late in the night to sit by their bed - and usually both patient and relatives would be gone by morning. I didn't mind the gender of anybody: most of the patients were intubated anyway, and the beds were widely spaced.

I am now on a respiratory ward, which has separate bays. I see elderly ladies walking to the bathroom with their open-backed gown caught up in their bottom, so everything on display. These women are made presentable and decent for visiting times, to protect their decency. However, I am not convinced their dignity should be compromised by having male visitors overnight?

I suspect most people, if they had one, would choose to have their loved one permanently By their side, and particularly in the more distressing cases pp have mentioned. However, that simply wouldn't be practical, so I feel we need to accept that, and let the privacy and dignity of all the patients override that of any individual.

If that rules is employed, there can be plenty of flexibility for individual cases, and few would begrudge a silent vigil by the bedside as a patient quietly slips away.

lalalalyra · 04/04/2017 21:18

I don't think there should be all night visitors on any ward. Patients need sleep and rest to get better (that also means staff should be considerate about not having conversations at room doors etc).

However on the maternity ward I had DD3 on they allowed partners to stay and I'd now be very, very wary of being the only person on a ward without an all night visitor because it seemed to be assumed that everyone would have one and therefore there were no staff. It took my DH 20 minutes to find a member of staff when I needed painkillers. He and the one other husband who was in all the time ended up with the job of going to the shop or cafe for food and drinks for the four of us because the "meals" were disgusting. One girl admitted she hated that the guys were allowed to stay all night because she felt even more alone as she didn't have anyone, but equally said she was unsure how she'd have coped without them - there wasn't even a staff member to help her get her baby out of her crib on the first night after her section when she couldn't move.