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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men on gynae ward

415 replies

roarityroar · 03/04/2017 12:55

Yesterday I was taken into hospital after heavy bleeding. I needed a blood transfusion and then went into theatre for surgery. They ask you to keep all sanitary pads to show how much you're bleeding, which is obviously very personal and after the general anaesthetic I felt groggy and vulnerable.

There are 4 beds in this ward with curtains. Two of the other three women have their partners here. I feel pretty vulnerable as it is and given it's the gynaecology ward AIBU to really not want random non-HCP men just a curtain away when I'm bleeding from my sodding vagina?

OP posts:
Megatherium · 04/04/2017 16:10

But ofcs, what could I say, seeing as their rights to have "support" trumped my need to not be surrounded by strange men when at my most vulnerable

But you weren't surrounded, were you, salt? Someone sitting by their partner's bed and talking to them, or even walking up the ward for any purpose, is not surrounding another person.

As for any issue of danger - every bed has a call button, there are nurses and doctors wandering in and out all the time, and other men on the ward are there because someone close to them is ill. How dangerous is that situation realistically?

GreenPeppers · 04/04/2017 16:21

I agree Unborn.
My dad was in hospital this year. All male ward. H ewas out of it to start with but was asked to sit up as much as he could.
cue for him in the NHS gown, no pants, sat on the chair with all his bits in display.
Would it have been OK for women to be able to start at his bits like this?

As for their partners are just worried about them and not really going to pay you any unwarranted attention, I beg to differ.
This has not being my experience, nor has it been the experience if my MIL when she had open heart surgery (You would think that the people there are all very ill and therefore visitors woud maybe be quieter or aware of how unwell people around were). Or you can see all the threads on here about partners fighting with each other on the wards, men making comments about a woman bfing - in a postnatal ward!!- etc...
People WILL stare, WILL listen to conversations and WILL make inappropriate comments. Or more likely men will make comments about women who are the wards (it is more unlikely that women will make loud comments to men isnt it?)

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 04/04/2017 16:51

But you weren't surrounded, were you, salt? Someone sitting by their partner's bed and talking to them, or even walking up the ward for any purpose, is not surrounding another person.

Actually, yes. I was.

AllllGooone · 04/04/2017 16:54

When I was on a drip for hg, admitted in the night so no clean undies or anything to change into, just a hospital gown open at the back, I remember dragging my drip about behind me holding a bowl of my own piss for the nurses to check and a random male bumping into me. Shit time.

Morphene · 04/04/2017 17:23

5more no, not deliberately goading.

I don't see a request that no men be admitted to the ward as reasonable. I don't see any difference between saying, 'I was attacked by a man, so I refuse to have any man near me', and 'I was attacked by an Asian person so I refuse to have any Asian person near me'.

It isn't fair or appropriate to blame all men for having been attacked by one.

I can't find the numbers for the UK but in Canada you have a 1 in 40000 chance of witnessing a violent incident on a given single night on a hospital ward and that is overwhelming likely to be a patient attacking a member of staff.

So it really is unreasonable to demand no men on the ward, because the fear that they will hurt you is irrational by any reasonable calculation of the odds of it happening in that location.

Batteriesallgone · 04/04/2017 17:38

It also creates difficulties when partners stay overnight and try to sleep on chairs. The room temperature increases, the air become stuffy, the ventilation is insufficient etc. On some wards I've been on, the space to sleeping person ratio with partners staying overnight is less than would be allowed in a prison cell.

This is what worries me. There is a real health issue there and I'm shocked it's allowed.

Thirtyrock39 · 04/04/2017 17:42

I was in for 24 hours with heavy bleeding at 15 weeks pg and husband was only allowed at visiting time. As I thought I was miscarrying it was horrible not having him with me and we were on holiday so was all weird and scary .

gammaraystar · 04/04/2017 17:44

YABU, If you don't like the service the NHS provide, you have the choice to go private. If you can't afford it, then you just have to suck it up like everyone else. So precious!!!

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 04/04/2017 17:48

How obnoxious gammaraystar, not to mention daft. So no one is allowed to pass any opinion ever on the level of service they receive from the NHS, simply because some other people "suck it up"?

GruffaloPants · 04/04/2017 17:52

YANBU OP. I think you've had a tough time here.

zeeboo · 04/04/2017 18:01

A lot of the times I have been on gynae wards have been post miscarriage and if anyone had tried to take my husband away I'd have come unglued!! Other women can hear and see what's being said, male hcps and cleaners can hear and see things too. Why does society insist on making men out to be of a different species? Most of them have seen a vagina, have seen sanitary products, even used ones and they don't care. They are there for their partners and that right totally trumps your desire for half assed female only privacy. If you want genuine privacy then pay, go private and get a room of your own.

LuxCoDespondent · 04/04/2017 18:03

YABU. Those women might be in a worse situation than you and having their partners there might help them.

In all seriousness, the men are not interesting in gawping at you. They are there because they are concerned about their partner.

picklemepopcorn · 04/04/2017 18:05

I think in the past women needing a lot of support from their partners would have been in side rooms or a specialist ward.

I think having partners stay the night or for a long time outside visiting hours, except in exceptional circumstances, is unhelpful. It makes the ward busier and noisier, the toilets busier and dirtier, and the semblance of privacy and dignity even harder to achieve.

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/04/2017 18:11

No empathy from so many people about how lots of unknown men around when a woman is feeling possibly her most vulnerable could be an awful experience. Sure, most men will be decent and won't stare or be intimidating or rude. But that isn't the point, you won't know which type of person is there, you don't know them at all. And yet you're supposed to be absolutely ok with it. Anything else and you're being unreasonable. No room at all for empathy towards women who are vulnerable. Suck it up because other women's wants are more important.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 04/04/2017 18:17

AssassinatedBeauty exactly that. 🙌🏻

AveEldon · 04/04/2017 18:23

YANBU
Overnight visitors should not be allowed

53rdAndBird · 04/04/2017 18:23

indeed, AssassinatedBeauty. It's really not about whether anybody's particular partner is a nice bloke or not - he's a total stranger.

Women who are totally fine with this - would you also be fine if your GP surgery started carrying out your smear tests and discussions about your gynae issues in the waiting room, just whipping a curtain round you?

NetflixandBill · 04/04/2017 18:25

Yanbu. Visiting hours, fine. Otherwise, no.

GruffaloPants · 04/04/2017 18:26

I'm surprised at the number of women who would be totally ok with making their way to the toilet semi dressed in nightclothes and visibly leaking menstrual/vaginal blood in front of male strangers, but that's just me.

willothewisp17 · 04/04/2017 18:29

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willothewisp17 · 04/04/2017 18:30

utterly ridiculous the way men are being portrayed on this thread!!

willothewisp17 · 04/04/2017 18:31

just sooo glad the delicate flower got discharged and doesn't have to put up with SUCH an ordeal anymore 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

lazytuesday · 04/04/2017 18:33

gruffalo really?? because i did not give a shit who saw me. What i did care about though was having someone i loved and trusted there to help me through an awful time. Id take having a thousand random men staring at my bloody ladybits if it meant i was able to have the support of my husband through that time.

And yes i have been violently sexually assaulted in the past.
That doesnt change the fact that i needed help and the hospital was so understaffed that they were not able to give it and so without my husband i honestly dont know what would have happened.

This means that whatever discomfort i may have about men seeing me in a vulnerable position now, i still have compassion for the women who need those men there with them.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/04/2017 18:37

YABU, If you don't like the service the NHS provide, you have the choice to go private. If you can't afford it, then you just have to suck it up like everyone else. So precious

Having visitors outside of visiting hours is not a service the NHS provides, if they did they wouldn't have visiting hours

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/04/2017 18:37

willo does it make you feel happy and good about yourself to be so vile about a woman who has been very unwell and has had an unpleasant time?