Who is BU? DH or Dsis?

[TheBrilloPad]

Will try and keep it brief but I'm useless at that. DH & I have been married 4 years and throughout our marriage we argue about the same thing; his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use. In the past year or so I have started speaking out more about this with my family - taking the kids and moving in with family etc to get away from him.

A few weeks ago he did it again- went out, drunk too much, spent too much, was horrible when he got in. After this, my sister (I'll call her A) text him, along the lines of "I have never got involved in this before, but I have had enough, my sister and those kids deserve better than some scum who snorts cocaine off toilets, I just want rid of you now etc etc".

DH just replied "I'm not discussing this with you, you know nothing about me".

DH moved back home this week (I have my own reasons for not LTB, a 1yr old & a 2yr old and he is a wonderful father). And today my sister (A) plus another sister (B) came over - the first time they have seen him since our argument. Both walked in and immediately acknowledged me and the kids, scooping them up in hugs etc, and didn't even acknowledge or make eye contact with DH. DH said he said hello to them both, and A ignored him - I didn't hear him say anything. Then he said "Hi B, how are you, what have you been up to?" and she answered him and they spoke normally. DD dragged A upstairs to play, and then when A left about 45 minutes later, DH was outside. So A did not speak to or acknowledge DH at all. Apart from the general "hello" DH said that he said to both of them when they walked in, he didn't try and speak to her.

He has been ranting all evening since she left "The fucking cheek of her, ignoring me in my own home, if that ever happens again I'm warning you, you better have words with her" etc etc etc. He is outraged that she could ignore him in his own home.

I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, and he didn't try and speak to her directly like he did to B (although in fairness, A is stubborn, and there is a chance she would have ignored him even if he spoke to her directly, but I don't know this for sure). DH wants to me speak to her and say she's not welcome in our house if she's going to ignore him.

Who is BU here? I'm protective of A because she was only trying to stick up for me, but I don't know if this is blinding me to her faults/rudeness. Should I tell her that if she ignores DH in our home again, she isn't welcome?

He's trying to control you by suggesting your sister is out of order. And as he knows that you are a walk over, he knows that you will eventually take his side and it could lead to an estrangement with your sister, and potentially the rest of your family. You are treated as you allow yourself to be treated, and you are enabling his behaviour by ignoring it. Your sister is only trying to do what you should be doing, which is protecting yourself and your DC. He sounds absolutely awful.

I kind of get where you are coming from. After my dm took her husband back after an extremely painful break up caused by his cheating, I found it very difficult to be civil to him in his home or mine. However, I did not completely ignore him, because of my Mum. (So I am in a similar position to your sister). So yes, possibly she was a bit rude, but I would not expect her to necessarily carry on as normal. If she does intend to ignore him, she should perhaps decline to come to the house when he is there. But he sounds like an idiot. Expect more.

He isn't a wonderful father. My sister is married to a similar loser.

I do actually agree that you shouldn't snub someone in their own home. So I don't go to my sister's home anymore.

It will be and day in hell before he enters mine.

My sister and my nieces are welcome anytime. The loser is not. Hopefully one day my sister will wake up.

Maybe you will too.

Cold day in hell.

You have your head in the sand.

Your h is unreasonable. Unfortunately when adults behave badly there are consequences. One consequence of his appalling behaviour is that he has lost the respect of your sister. Why should like him? Why should she friendly with him after his actions? He needs to accept that he needs to work at earning back her trust and respect. And he needs to accept that even if he does work- she may never forgive him for his despicable treatment of her Nieces and nephews and sister. Just because you have chosen to forgive doesn't mean she has to.

Dh needs to fully accept the consequences his behaviour has caused.

Your h is doing the classic deflection thing here, of jumping up and down in rage about a total side-issue, in order to stop people concentrating on his own bad behaviour.

And I too am wondering what the consequences of his "warning" to you would be.

I think your Sis is right, and you are the one being unreasonable.
You make excuses for your Dh, he isn't remotely a good father, he's spends family money getting plastered and "occasionally" does coke.
I sounds like you will continue to make excuses and blame your Sis for not wanting to pander to him. Sounds like you like all this drama in your life. Your kids deserve better than this.

YABU. He sounds like a nightmare. The sooner he leaves the better. I know it's hard but you'll be better off without him.
Incidentally, when your sister arrived he should have apologised for his behaviour. Adult would have taken both your sisters to one side, away from the kids, and explained how he is making amends. He would also have said that he acknowledged day to be wary of him but over time he'd win their trust. Rather than that he has played the victim and is trying to drive a wedge between you and them. Run for the hills.

But you know that already.

When my sister was in an abusive relationship I acknowledged her partner when I was in their home. He was just looking for a tiny excuse to stop her seeing me and I wasn't going to give him that so I was polite and nothing more. I think my contempt for him was evident.
I refused to have him at my wedding though and it's still yoir husband that is unreasonable in this situation regardless of what sob story he's fed to his family

So, you're happy to stay with DH and give him one last chance chance because he deserves it - WHY?! And it won't be one last chance - he'll fuck up time and time again, because he's got issues with drink and drugs, and you'll keep making excuses for him until the children are old enough to be suffer lifelong serious damage.
You can be 'happy' and make the choice to stay, but don't force your children into such a horrible life. If you decide to stay with him you are basically making the decision that he is more important to you than your DC.

Don't do that to them. If he is more important then save your kids by asking your sister to take them. Admit to her that you love him more than you love them and since you can't put them first or keep them safe please will she take them.
That's how serious your situation is, but I don't think you can see it.

Your dh is a twat. And your dsis actually showed far more self control than I would by just ignoring him. It's more than he deserves I would have chinned the fucker, even if it was "in his own home" for the way he treats her dn&ns and sister.

It sounds like they really want to be there for you and maintain a relationship with you and the dcs, but just can't abide his behaviour - and rightly so.

Should I tell her that if she ignores DH in our home again, she isn't welcome?

You're focusing on the wrong person here. You should be focusing on your DH and his unacceptable behaviour.

She isn't welcome?

You think she wants to be welcome? Or even be there, when he's at home? The only reason she's coming round is to support you and your children.
Yet you're considering going along with his plan of banishing her? She's the only one here who's looking out for you - he certainly isn't. He's only concerned about getting the rent money from you and his children to snort up his nose. I don't suppose you feature on his list of priorities at all.
"Wonderful father" my arse.

thatdearoctopus is right. Why do you think A came round ?
To support you.
Why do you think B came with her ?
To support A and you.

This rings alarm bells for me. OP, I think you have very low expectations of a partner and a husband if you allow yourself and your children to be treated this way and then call the man a "wonderful father". You should expect, and demand, far more.

However, as you've given him "one last chance" and are convinced he's going to change I'd ask this- what is different about THIS time. What has he actually doing to effect that change? If he really meant it, he'd be taking some steps (even if only tentative) to address his problems. I suspect from his reaction to your sister it is all talk. If he really believes his behaviour to be unacceptable, he would recognise why your sister think so little of him, even if he did think it rude. And then put it to one side, even if he was irritated by it. He would certainly not have taken out his annoyance on you- how can you be held responsible for your sisters actions?

This is deflection- attack is the best form of defence. His ego is certainly very easily dented. To get so unbelievably angry about something which, even at it's worst, is slightly rude (though I don't necessarily view it that way) to the point he is "ranting all evening" about it and has had to enlist the support of his whole family to denounce, is so over the top that it smacks of controlling/narcissistic behaviour.

I think this is classic deflection too- getting so het up and making a fuss about this to distract from his own behaviour. This prevents others- especially you- concentrating on his own bad behaviour. Which it has achieved hasn't it? You're now focussing on your sister's behaviour, which at it's worst may be considered a minor misdemeanour on her part, to the point where she may not be welcome in your home! So his response may also serve to isolate you from your supportive family, thus making it easier for him.

And I also wondering what the consequences of his "warning" to you would be? Yelling? Going out and getting drunk because he's "angry" or "stressed"? Demanding you cut all ties with your family over this slight? This is not the way responsible, reasonable adults behave, can't you see that OP?

Why would he warn you? Again I say it- you can't be expected to be responsible for your sisters thoughts or actions. But he is using you in an attempt to control her isn't he? By being such an arse to you over what has already happened and then by threatening consequences to you and making sure you are to "have a word with her" about it, he neatly escapes having to face up to any of his behaviour and enforces her "good behaviour" to his face because your sister wants to protect you from the fall out. It's incredibly manipulative, as with much of his behaviour.

OP, if I were you I would walk- or at very least, ask him to move out while he addresses his issues. Once he has demonstrably done so, then you can decide whether to resume your relationship. If he loves you and the children, he will do whatever it takes to make things right for you all.

Your DH is wrong to think your family will just forgive him. He needs to win them over and make them realise he won't hurt you or the kids again!

Texting his family to get back up that he is right shows what a twat he is.

Your sister is looking out for you, showing her disdain for your husband who really isn't rounding like a good dad!! What on earth does he do that's so good to negate taking drugs and drinking heavily around babies - it isn't the best way to prove you're a good father!

Plus spending all the money.?!
As a family unit we have treats, wine, (no smoking or drugs, but we do drink a few nights a week) kids have goodies/sweets and days out for the kids but not spending all the money doing that - plus he's unlikely to be a useful parent if he's been out all night or taking drugs/drinking to excess