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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? DH or Dsis?

168 replies

TheBrilloPad · 02/04/2017 21:21

Will try and keep it brief but I'm useless at that. DH & I have been married 4 years and throughout our marriage we argue about the same thing; his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use. In the past year or so I have started speaking out more about this with my family - taking the kids and moving in with family etc to get away from him.

A few weeks ago he did it again- went out, drunk too much, spent too much, was horrible when he got in. After this, my sister (I'll call her A) text him, along the lines of "I have never got involved in this before, but I have had enough, my sister and those kids deserve better than some scum who snorts cocaine off toilets, I just want rid of you now etc etc".

DH just replied "I'm not discussing this with you, you know nothing about me".

DH moved back home this week (I have my own reasons for not LTB, a 1yr old & a 2yr old and he is a wonderful father). And today my sister (A) plus another sister (B) came over - the first time they have seen him since our argument. Both walked in and immediately acknowledged me and the kids, scooping them up in hugs etc, and didn't even acknowledge or make eye contact with DH. DH said he said hello to them both, and A ignored him - I didn't hear him say anything. Then he said "Hi B, how are you, what have you been up to?" and she answered him and they spoke normally. DD dragged A upstairs to play, and then when A left about 45 minutes later, DH was outside. So A did not speak to or acknowledge DH at all. Apart from the general "hello" DH said that he said to both of them when they walked in, he didn't try and speak to her.

He has been ranting all evening since she left "The fucking cheek of her, ignoring me in my own home, if that ever happens again I'm warning you, you better have words with her" etc etc etc. He is outraged that she could ignore him in his own home.

I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, and he didn't try and speak to her directly like he did to B (although in fairness, A is stubborn, and there is a chance she would have ignored him even if he spoke to her directly, but I don't know this for sure). DH wants to me speak to her and say she's not welcome in our house if she's going to ignore him.

Who is BU here? I'm protective of A because she was only trying to stick up for me, but I don't know if this is blinding me to her faults/rudeness. Should I tell her that if she ignores DH in our home again, she isn't welcome?

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 02/04/2017 23:34

Is this for real??

So your coke snorting drunk of a husband who spends the rent money getting trashed is annoyed your sister didn't speak to him? Confused Get a bloody grip woman. Stop being a deluded doormat and be an example for your kids. One last chance eh?? Confused

Pallisers · 02/04/2017 23:35

I wasn't expecting it to be unanimous. DH had messaged all his family to say my Dsis had ignored him and all of their responses were "fucking out of order to ignore you in your own home/ how dare she/ Brillo needs to have words with her"

Do they know he has a drink and drugs problem? If not why not?

And what is your husband thinking messaging all his family to complain about his sister in law ignoring him. Who does that? Is he 14? What the fuck is that about?

(well I know what it is about - he wants to distract you from what is going on - his addictions - so he can continue drinking and using.)

Megatherium · 02/04/2017 23:37

Point out to him that your DSis no doubt thought he had a fucking cheek drinking and snorting your rent money and being horrible to you, and she has more justification. Suggest to him that he needs to work very hard to regain her trust and that she needs to be given both time and evidence to do so.

bigmac4me · 02/04/2017 23:38

If I was your sister I'd call social services. If it was permissible I'd even take in the kids myself if removal from the home was the outcome. There's absolutely no way I'd tolerate my sister standing by and allowing my niece/nephew to be brought up in abusive home such as this

This is what I suspect will happen also emmyrose. I wish I could say this was an unusual case, but sadly as a foster carer I have seen again and again and again children been taken into care due to the inability of their mother to put their needs before their husbands. I have heard "he's a wonderful father" a million times.

Darbs76 · 02/04/2017 23:39

If he's going to change has he sought help from the GP? Got himself some help such as AA or a drugs rehab? If not then I'd be very dubious he will change. It's your decision but remember your kids are growing up with this. Is this what you want for them?

If I was your sister I'd just stay away from your house. I can understand her not wanting to speak to him 100%. He's abusive and he can't just turn the charm on and expect chit chat. If you open up to family then they won't just pretend everything is ok again after he says all the right things like you do. She will be furious with him and rightly so.

In my opinion you need to get out of this toxic relationship but it's your life and your children. Just remember you can't turn back the clock - they will grow up remembering all of this

BillSykesDog · 02/04/2017 23:40

OP, are you really the sister?

redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2017 23:43

I agree with emmyrose if I were your sister I'd be ringing SS

A loves you Your H loves himself
Your kids deserve better

dowhatnow · 02/04/2017 23:46

He can get angry at her cheek but can't/won't see his own cheek in doing what he does to his own family?

I agree if he really wanted to change he would be pussy footing around dsis A. You can give him chance after chance but he won't change if he won't acknowledge what a dick he's been.

redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2017 23:46

BillSykes that makes sense

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2017 23:48

There's nothing to add here really.

What pretty much everyone else has said.

There is no definition of 'Wonderful Father' which your husband matches.

Get rid.

Jux · 02/04/2017 23:55

He's not a wonderful father.

Your two children are the exact reasons why you ought to kick him out., not reasons to stay.

Stop kidding yourself.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 02/04/2017 23:56

Ok so you have decided on one final chance, which is one more than he deserves. Set your bar high and if he fucks it up just one more time let him go. No excuses like he was stressed, the kids or you wound him up. Something at work, down the pub went tits up. One foot wrong and he is gone.
If you aren't very strict with this, you will lose your children. If he gets really abusive it will be via SS, if not, then it will be because they follow his or your pattern in behaviours in relationships. Do not do this to them. You have by the looks of it seen the legacy this behaviour (which I assume from his text responses is prevalent in his family) has left for your DH. He can only help himself now. You can help stop this continuing for your children.
Your sister has your and your children's backs. Do not turn your back on her and start blaming her for reacting as any sensible person should to his behaviour.

BlueFolly · 03/04/2017 00:15

I think it's a bit much to leap from 'My DH sometimes goes out and drinks and takes drugs and acts like a twat.' to 'Someone should take your kids away cos you can't put their needs first.'

RedDogsBeg · 03/04/2017 00:19

I can only repeat what everyone else has said/is saying, however, I expect the OP won't take a blind bit of notice and years down the line others will have the difficult task of trying to repair the damage caused by her and her dh.

BillSykesDog · 03/04/2017 00:25

Folly, I wouldn't be too sure. All it takes is one person to ring the police because they're concerned about an argument and SS will automatically be called in if one parent is found in an intoxicated state when children are present. I have seen cases where this has happened. And if, as the OP says, it's pretty regular, hard drugs are involved plus money for essential bills is going missing it would be very much on their radar.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 03/04/2017 00:27

What is he doing differently this time to the other last chances you've gave him to have you convinced that he means it this time.

Obv, if he genuinely intends to change then he knows it needs to be different to all the other times. He's had a couple of weeks so will have started the ball rolling if he means it. He has saught help for his anger management? For his alcohol and drug issues? Counselling for yourself to help dealing with his abuse of you?

From what you've said, he doesn't sound sorry at all. Otherwise he'd totally understand why your sister isn't being all smiles and nicey. He'd understand that most people won't believed he's changed in a few short weeks, especially as he's said the same before. If he was genuine he wouldn't be angry at someone for calling out his abusive behaviour and slagging them off. Him going out of his way to slag her off to others and warning you, sounds like a man trying to isolate you from family who are not so quick to forgive and accept he's changed so quickly as you are.

He'd understand he doesn't deserve respect yet, and he'd be patient and understand it's takes a very long time to repair relationships due to his behaviour.

I'd not be suprised if he uses your sister as a reason to abuse you next time he chooses to take money from his children and drink.

bigmac4me · 03/04/2017 00:35

I think it's a bit much to leap from 'My DH sometimes goes out and drinks and takes drugs and acts like a twat.' to 'Someone should take your kids away cos you can't put their needs first

As a foster carer and adoptive parent for the past 25 years I would say that 50% of the children I have cared for have resulted from a similiar situation as the OPs. The drugs may differ, the situation may differ, but so often it is the mother who believes their partner will change his ways Of course when the children are older and at school things can be picked up on sooner, and of course the children themselves can then talk. But in the early years it is most often a friend or a family member who calls SS. Of course should the mother realise the seriousness of the situation she will be given every possible help and support, but sadly she often believes her DP/DH to be a "wonderful father" whose actions do not cause their children any harm.

And I too wonder if the OP is really the sister.

SingingSilver · 03/04/2017 00:38

I will just say that to an extent I agree. if you are going into someone's home, it's polite to acknowledge them. She can heartily disapprove of him, but still observe basic good manners.

If he is a wonderful Dad, he can continue to be one. If you think he'd fail to be a wonderful Dad if you left him, he really doesn't deserve the title.

Obsidian77 · 03/04/2017 00:56

"it's polite to acknowledge them....still observe basic good manners"
This is a ludicrous comment that completely fails to acknowledge the gravity of the situation. And in any case, the husband didn't even speak to her (other than a cursory hello).
The fact that he is whining down the phone to his relatives about this perceived slight after all he has put his family through makes me marvel at the sister's exceptional self-control in not losing her rag with this dismal selfish loser.

TheStoic · 03/04/2017 07:46

if you are going into someone's home, it's polite to acknowledge them. She can heartily disapprove of him, but still observe basic good manners.

No. Sometimes manners are not the priority.

Sometimes people need to be called on their deplorable behaviour, and to know that you see exactly what they're doing.

BillSykesDog · 03/04/2017 07:52

I think in this situation the sister could have acknowledged him purely not to inflame a situation which might put her sister at risk though TBH.

DorisDaisy25 · 03/04/2017 07:54

YABU! Your living with a coke head who doesn't seem to give a shit about the roof over his wife and kids' head or if they're fed?! A is most certainly not BU. You should tell DH that it's tough shit! Don't go out pissing money up the wall on drink and drugs and expect my family to be hunky dory with you?! Tell him straight!!

TheStoic · 03/04/2017 08:00

I think she stayed silent so that she wouldn't say exactly what she thought.

Imagine the 'cheek' of her if she had.

DorisDaisy25 · 03/04/2017 08:02

One more thing, if you actually believe he doesn't go out and do drugs when he gets rat-arsed your heads a firmly in the clouds. From experience, they go hand in hand! Especially when pissed!
I understand this is your husband, not just a flame. But Christ, mine wouldn't dare he'd loose a bollock if he tried to pull a stunt like this, let alone continuously!
Also, does his very supportive family even know about his extra curriculum activities?! They should if they where any sort of people be completely supportive of DSis decision to ignore.

HecateAntaia · 03/04/2017 08:04

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