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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? DH or Dsis?

168 replies

TheBrilloPad · 02/04/2017 21:21

Will try and keep it brief but I'm useless at that. DH & I have been married 4 years and throughout our marriage we argue about the same thing; his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use. In the past year or so I have started speaking out more about this with my family - taking the kids and moving in with family etc to get away from him.

A few weeks ago he did it again- went out, drunk too much, spent too much, was horrible when he got in. After this, my sister (I'll call her A) text him, along the lines of "I have never got involved in this before, but I have had enough, my sister and those kids deserve better than some scum who snorts cocaine off toilets, I just want rid of you now etc etc".

DH just replied "I'm not discussing this with you, you know nothing about me".

DH moved back home this week (I have my own reasons for not LTB, a 1yr old & a 2yr old and he is a wonderful father). And today my sister (A) plus another sister (B) came over - the first time they have seen him since our argument. Both walked in and immediately acknowledged me and the kids, scooping them up in hugs etc, and didn't even acknowledge or make eye contact with DH. DH said he said hello to them both, and A ignored him - I didn't hear him say anything. Then he said "Hi B, how are you, what have you been up to?" and she answered him and they spoke normally. DD dragged A upstairs to play, and then when A left about 45 minutes later, DH was outside. So A did not speak to or acknowledge DH at all. Apart from the general "hello" DH said that he said to both of them when they walked in, he didn't try and speak to her.

He has been ranting all evening since she left "The fucking cheek of her, ignoring me in my own home, if that ever happens again I'm warning you, you better have words with her" etc etc etc. He is outraged that she could ignore him in his own home.

I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, and he didn't try and speak to her directly like he did to B (although in fairness, A is stubborn, and there is a chance she would have ignored him even if he spoke to her directly, but I don't know this for sure). DH wants to me speak to her and say she's not welcome in our house if she's going to ignore him.

Who is BU here? I'm protective of A because she was only trying to stick up for me, but I don't know if this is blinding me to her faults/rudeness. Should I tell her that if she ignores DH in our home again, she isn't welcome?

OP posts:
TheMythOfFingerprints · 02/04/2017 22:12

He's not even sorry is he?

Hulder · 02/04/2017 22:12

He's not a wonderful father, he's a Disney dad.

Your kids are 1 and 2. They are not discerning in their opinions and frankly would love him even if he hit them.

A bare minimum adequate father provides a safe, secure roof over their children's heads, puts their needs above their own, saves money for them to make sure the bills are paid, washes their clothes, makes their food, changes the beds, takes them to the shops, teaches them the skills they will need for life, models a good relationship.

Note this would be the basic skills of fathering. We haven't even got close to wonderful yet.

Your DH is failing on the most basic things required - paying the bills, the rent, putting their needs for safety first, keeping their mother safe and treating her with respect.

I suspect your DSis can't bear to look at him.

NSEA · 02/04/2017 22:12

I think your dh needs to acknowledge that whilst you have forgiven his misdemeanours, he needs to price himself to win over your dsis. He seems pretty stupid to just expect someone who clearly has issues with him to just ignore those issues. She behaved a bit childishly in ignoring him but I don't blame her. Better to say nothing than be horrible.

I hope he proves her wrong and you have a more stable homelife.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/04/2017 22:13

Well after he fucks up his last chance we will see you back on mn real soon op. .

Wheelerdeeler · 02/04/2017 22:14

Tell him your sister will acknowledge him when it's 5 years later and he hasnt gone drinking or done drugs.

Mulberry72 · 02/04/2017 22:14

He's a wonderful father?

He stays out all night, gets pissed, does coke and spends all the family money?

Okaaaaaaaaaaay.

228agreenend · 02/04/2017 22:14

I do think it's slightly rude that your sister didn't acknowledge your dh and ignored him when he tried to talk to her.

Babbaganush · 02/04/2017 22:14

How is he going to change? What is he actually doing to achieve this? If he isn't having counselling or getting some king of support it's very very unlikely to change anything.
I was married to a man who used to promise - it wont happen again, it always did!!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2017 22:15

I'm happy with my decision to stay with DH and give him a final chance.

Great. What is the line? What does he have to do or not do to get booted? Have you set boundaries and will you stick with them?

BTW there is a reason that the 12 steps exist. Because denial and blame are part of addiction. I don't necessarily agree that AA or NA is right for everyone but when a drinker and cocaine user calls up his family to rant about how wah wah boo hoo unfair everyone is and how mean people are and it's not his fault... yeah not seeing a change...

He could try a few of the steps:

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of himself.

Make a list of all persons he has harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continue to take personal inventory and when he is wrong promptly admits it.

Starlight2345 · 02/04/2017 22:17

You can decide to give him one more chance..However you can't sell him as a wonderful father and I imagine your last time was your Dsis last chance.

If DH can't see she is upset and supporting her Dsis then add that one to the list of reasons ..You hold no value to him

rivermama · 02/04/2017 22:17

I find this so sad to read, I was in a similar situation 20 years ago only DM not DSis. I stayed for what sound like similar reasons - I didn't want to damage my children and have them come from a 'broken home'.

After 11 years of marriage, DH left me for another woman - it truly felt like I was handed a get out of jail free card!

I never told my DS's about their father's drink and drug use and he had access every other weekend and often messed them about and cancelled.

There is a lot more to my story but too much to go into.

My DS1 is now 21 and despises his father as he sees what a weak man he is. He is struggling emotionally as he remembers flashes of how it was before we split - his DF being erratic - mean and angry or cool and happy but his moods would switch in seconds.

I now feel real regret that I didn't LTB when they were the age your DC's are.

I understand how you feel but you have a fantastic supportive family and they can and will protect you and your DC's from him.

AddToBasket · 02/04/2017 22:18

Who cares what his family think? Tell them he spent the rent on coke and watch their sympathy dry up.

If he behaves like a twat to you then in your home your sister will support you.

It wasn't rudeness; it was a show of support.

DonaldStott · 02/04/2017 22:19

FWIW, although DH admits to doing coke before, he swears blind (and I believe him) that he wasn't doing coke on the last occasion, and he doesn't do it frequently. Our argument last time was more to do with his drinking/behaviour when drunk, and not the drugs, which I think people are focusing on too much, and I think it's rare he does coke.

Ahh right. You didn't explain that properly. He does sound like a wonderful father now you have cleared that up Confused

He sounds like a diamond. No wonder you want to hang on to him to the detriment of your children.

Pestilentialone · 02/04/2017 22:20

I'm warning you, you better have words with her and if you don't heed his warning what will he do?
Does it involve physical abuse or does he stick with financial and verbal abuse?
0808 2000 247 24 Women's aid are there to answer the phone 24/7

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/04/2017 22:20

Hetero has already said what I was going to say perfectly. If your H had really changed, he would not be getting all self-importantly outraged at being ignored 'in [his] own home' by your sister, but rather would be humbly accepting that his past behaviour means she does not feel able to talk to him at the moment, and resolving to work to win back her and your trust..

RainbowPastel · 02/04/2017 22:20

You are deluded if you think that is how a wonderful father behaves. Good on your sister. Have a long hard think about the behaviour and how it could affect your children.

redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2017 22:22

228 - really Shock ?
You are lucky to have Sis A. His family sound charming too.

ComeOnSpring · 02/04/2017 22:24

YABU. You are asking the wrong question. This question about your sister is wrong - she is being supportive. You should be questioning yourself.

You are making bad choices. Not just for you but for your children.

Your sister has tried to not intervene but the latest incident has made her angry because she cares about you and her nieces/nephews.

BillSykesDog · 02/04/2017 22:25

Have you thought about his mental health? This rings all sorts of alarm bells for me in that regard.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 02/04/2017 22:25

I believe him when he says this time he will change, and I need to give him one last chance.

[bangs head on desk]

I don't even... I'd write something but I hardly know what the point is. You have a mountain of incontrovertible evidence staring you right in your face. The mental gymnastics required to excuse everything he's doing must be exhausting. For frame of reference, I wouldn't care if he shat solid gold, scrubbed the house clean to its studs nightly, made breakfast in bed for everyone in the house every morning, and then earned a six-figure salary besides. Literally nothing would condone the rest of his behaviour for me. I cannot stress that enough. Nothing. "Wonderful father" is such a vacuous, empty, airy fairy, easy phrase to utter. It sounds lovely but ultimately what does it even mean. To even start to qualify as a wonderful father, you need to not be taking drugs, drinking, partying all night, spending the rent money, and so on.

For heaven's sake. When a person shows you who they are, believe them, and then act accordingly. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your DC. They deserve better than this.

StewieGMum · 02/04/2017 22:26

Your husband isn't going to change. He has no reason to change since you keep giving him 'one last chance'.

He's trying to isolate you from your sisters and control your behaviour. This is domestic abuse. He needs you to stop speaking to your sister so he can continue the good life of 0 responsibility and self-righteous narcissistic whining.

If he wants to be a 'good father' he needs to take responsibility for the consequences of his choices. He needs to move out immediately and get clean: no cocaine and no alcohol. He needs to stay clean for 12 months and then he needs to join a program that works with abusive fathers. A good program like Respect takes 12 months so you shouldn't even contemplate him moving in for at least 2 years. He then needs to prove he can care for the children and be responsible. This means paying maintenance over the bare minimum for the next 2 years. And no unsupervised contact until he's proved he's sober by taking drug tests through a program so he can't fake the results. If he doesn't want to do any of the above, then you will know that he's back for a free ride and not to be a real father and partner.

Your children deserve better than an abusive drunk for a father. You deserve better than a freeloading abusive drunk who can't even prioritise ensuring his kids have somewhere warm to sleep.

Meeep · 02/04/2017 22:26

YAB kind of an idiot to stay tbh.

Be very careful that you don't end up not talking to your family, with no support, after arguments caused by your awful DH.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/04/2017 22:27

He will change? He doesn't think he has done anything wrong in the first place. If he did think he needs to change, he would understand why your sisters are not exactly thrilled to be his best buddies.

Ferrisday · 02/04/2017 22:28

If he was any sort of man, he would completely appreciate that his behaviour has been poor and your family are only looking out for you.
If he was sorry and intent on change he would not be ranting about her ignoring him.
This is all so familiar. I had similar issues with my H. It went from bad to worse.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
Sorry

SleepFreeZone · 02/04/2017 22:28

I would most definitely not be falling out with family in favour of this idiot. Bloody hell the person that said you had very low standards was bang on the money.

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