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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? DH or Dsis?

168 replies

TheBrilloPad · 02/04/2017 21:21

Will try and keep it brief but I'm useless at that. DH & I have been married 4 years and throughout our marriage we argue about the same thing; his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use. In the past year or so I have started speaking out more about this with my family - taking the kids and moving in with family etc to get away from him.

A few weeks ago he did it again- went out, drunk too much, spent too much, was horrible when he got in. After this, my sister (I'll call her A) text him, along the lines of "I have never got involved in this before, but I have had enough, my sister and those kids deserve better than some scum who snorts cocaine off toilets, I just want rid of you now etc etc".

DH just replied "I'm not discussing this with you, you know nothing about me".

DH moved back home this week (I have my own reasons for not LTB, a 1yr old & a 2yr old and he is a wonderful father). And today my sister (A) plus another sister (B) came over - the first time they have seen him since our argument. Both walked in and immediately acknowledged me and the kids, scooping them up in hugs etc, and didn't even acknowledge or make eye contact with DH. DH said he said hello to them both, and A ignored him - I didn't hear him say anything. Then he said "Hi B, how are you, what have you been up to?" and she answered him and they spoke normally. DD dragged A upstairs to play, and then when A left about 45 minutes later, DH was outside. So A did not speak to or acknowledge DH at all. Apart from the general "hello" DH said that he said to both of them when they walked in, he didn't try and speak to her.

He has been ranting all evening since she left "The fucking cheek of her, ignoring me in my own home, if that ever happens again I'm warning you, you better have words with her" etc etc etc. He is outraged that she could ignore him in his own home.

I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, and he didn't try and speak to her directly like he did to B (although in fairness, A is stubborn, and there is a chance she would have ignored him even if he spoke to her directly, but I don't know this for sure). DH wants to me speak to her and say she's not welcome in our house if she's going to ignore him.

Who is BU here? I'm protective of A because she was only trying to stick up for me, but I don't know if this is blinding me to her faults/rudeness. Should I tell her that if she ignores DH in our home again, she isn't welcome?

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 02/04/2017 23:00

“his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use”

And what are his redeeming qualities? Those are all deal breakers for me. Why did he even get married if he still wants to behave like a single man?

“and he is a wonderful father”

No he isn’t. A wonderful father doesn’t do all of the above. You are very lucky indeed to have sisters who care about you and your children. Get your head out of the sand and face up to reality.

“I'm happy with my decision to stay with DH and give him a final chance. I believe him when he says this time he will change, and I need to give him one last chance.”

Why? He will drag you down with him. They always say that they will change. He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, but has no intention of getting his act together.

“and he doesn't do it frequently”

But he still does it Hmm. Why do you have such low standards? Why is staying with an unreliable waste of space better than the alternative? It’s a good job you have such sensible sisters. I’m inclined to agree with TheQuestingVole that your sister might contact SS because this is a safeguarding issue.

PNGirl · 02/04/2017 23:03

To add - of course his family side with him. A) they hear it all from his side and B) the last person like this I knew shared a dealer with his brother!

redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2017 23:04

PNGirl - snap Zero is the acceptable level with 2 such very young DC

TheMysteriousJackelope · 02/04/2017 23:04

In future take your children to meet their aunts well away from your DH. Your children shouldn't see their father being shunned by a much loved aunt (because that will confuse and upset them), and your sisters shouldn't have to deal with your DH trying to play happy families when things are so messed up.

Inertia · 02/04/2017 23:08

Sounds like your sisters are stepping up to the parenting that you and your husband should be doing.

I guess it's lucky that those babies have family members who'll look out for them, seeing as they have parents who'd sooner see them homeless and hungry than either a) give up drinking and cocaine, or b) stop enabling an aggressive twunt of a husband and father.

thatdearoctopus · 02/04/2017 23:08

Strikes me that the only person here who's acting with any integrity is Sister A. At least she's not two-faced.
The couple of people on this thread who've thought she was "a bit rude" because it's usually good manners to acknowledge people in their own homes are spectacularly missing the point. That might be the case in normal circumstances, but this setup is hardly normal.

Your husband sounds a nasty piece of work, to be honest. And this is him on his best behaviour, trying to win you back?

God help you - or rather, your poor children.

Iamastonished · 02/04/2017 23:09

I'm with PNGirl and redshoeblueshoe. You get this kind of behaviour out of your system before you have children.

BillSykesDog · 02/04/2017 23:10

I think the best advice you've had one this thread is from stewiegsmum. If he really is lovely Dad he will move out and get clean and prove he really is committed to your family by doing that. I would add to that, I seriously think he should discuss his mental health with a doctor as binging and spending can be indicative of problems. But he needs to work on this far from you at the moment.

ilovelamp82 · 02/04/2017 23:11

He's not a wonderful father. He's trying to isolate you from your family so that he can continue to treat you and the kids with complete disrespect, so you have no one to turn to and accept it and become trapped, believing you have no one to turn to and no where to go.

Your sister is looking out for you. Your partner is taking the piss out of you and getting away with it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/04/2017 23:12

Ok, forget the coke then, if you must.

Focus on the fact that he is drinking away the rent and bill money, being nasty and abusive when he gets home and then ranting when someone actually calls him on his shitty behaviour.

I hope that one day you wake up and realise that you need to put your children first for a change and get them away for this shithead for good. Hopefully your sister wont be so sick of your excuse making by then that she will help you.

HorridHenryrule · 02/04/2017 23:13

his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use.

Do you think he is using with men or women he might like the seedy life. You don't know what he's doing if I was you I would get regular checks at the clinic. You have kids to think about he is not setting an example. Men who plays with drugs are playing with women as well he's getting a kick out of it.

redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2017 23:15

I think texting his family shows exactly what he thinks.
He comes first, his wants - his needs.
You should be proud of A

PoorYorick · 02/04/2017 23:16

his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use....A few weeks ago he did it again- went out, drunk too much, spent too much, was horrible when he got in....(...he is a wonderful father).

What exactly does a SHIT father look like to you?

I'm sorry, I know you're struggling and suffering and I don't mean to be glib. It's just driving me utterly crazy on here with so many dozens of women describing the most thundering abusive shitheads of men and still telling us that they are great dads. We have women being berated for formula feeding, having slightly untidy houses or allowing toast for dinner, and yet abusive men who snort and piss away the rent money are wonderful fathers.

The bar for being a good father appears to be so low you could trip and fall on it.

Troubleinstore · 02/04/2017 23:18

There may be one day he takes a dodgy line of coke... the fact that you may have to deal with the consequences of that whatever that may entail would be enough for me to leave. Every time he takes drugs he's putting you and his children at risk. ... does that make a good father?

AuntMabel · 02/04/2017 23:18

The very fact that he is more bothered by the absence of a "Hello" from your sister, rather than being too ashamed to even sqeek in her prescence given his history, that she has supported you through, speaks VOLUMES.

You are blindsighted. When it happens again, remember what she did for you.

LouBlue1507 · 02/04/2017 23:19

Your DH automatically loses any argument or point he may have when you said: his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use

bigmac4me · 02/04/2017 23:19

If this carries on OP, you will lose your children.

Is this clear enough?

Pallisers · 02/04/2017 23:20

DH & I have been married 4 years and throughout our marriage we argue about the same thing; his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use.

I just love that this man can say "the fucking cheek of her" about his sister in law not wanting to pretend he is anything other than a fuck up. She didn't even have a go at him but just ignored him and he still has the arrogance (well that is cocaine for you) to think "the fucking cheek of her". Funny if it wasn't so sad.

OP your sister has your interests at heart. This man doesn't. How can you not see this? How on earth do you think he is a good father???

I doubt what everyone is saying here will make any difference though. If you can't take the message from your sister who loves you and whom you love, why would you take it from a bunch of strangers on the web.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 02/04/2017 23:21

I've got nothing else to add apart from agreeing with everyone else. It's rare that there is such overwhelming consensus on MN that a husband and father is a grade A shit.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/04/2017 23:21

Decent people who have real intention to make changes to piss poor behaviour do not get all angry and outraged when others challenge them about the behaviour.

They tend to understand that they are the ones who need to make the effort to build bridges and rebuild trust and relationships.no matter whose house they are in

antimatter · 02/04/2017 23:22

I think you aren't giving away a full story. What was his behaviour like?

WatchHowISoar · 02/04/2017 23:25

I get the feeling that you will give this man many more chances rather than a final one. Whether that will be because you have such low standards you can't see the things you shouldn't be putting up with or deep down you just desperately want to save and change him who can know. But whichever way it's your choice to do so.

It's just a shame that you feel that should be the way to chose.

Your husband's family will be siding with him a) because you both have them believing he is a great dad and partner b) because they are delusional c) they're cut from the same cloth or d) all of the above.

Elvisrocks · 02/04/2017 23:26

OP - why are your standards so low? Do you have self-esteem issues? Please, please remember that it's not about you anymore, it's about your children and staying with your DH is sadly going to adversely impact them in the future, far more than you seem to realise.

GabsAlot · 02/04/2017 23:32

shes looking out for you-u cant expect to unload on your family and then sit back and watch u walk back into it again

has he tried rehab counselling? how is he a good father

emmyrose2000 · 02/04/2017 23:32

If I was your sister I'd call social services. If it was permissible I'd even take in the kids myself if removal from the home was the outcome. There's absolutely no way I'd tolerate my sister standing by and allowing my niece/nephew to be brought up in abusive home such as this.

The only one who cares about your kids is sister A and probably also sister B.

You are the most unreasonable one here. Your husband is a piece of pond sucking scum and you're worried about whether your sister is wrong to (quite rightly) ignore him when he said hello?! That's what you get out of all this? Really? Consider my mind well and truly blown.

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