Who is BU? DH or Dsis?

[TheBrilloPad]

Will try and keep it brief but I'm useless at that. DH & I have been married 4 years and throughout our marriage we argue about the same thing; his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use. In the past year or so I have started speaking out more about this with my family - taking the kids and moving in with family etc to get away from him.

A few weeks ago he did it again- went out, drunk too much, spent too much, was horrible when he got in. After this, my sister (I'll call her A) text him, along the lines of "I have never got involved in this before, but I have had enough, my sister and those kids deserve better than some scum who snorts cocaine off toilets, I just want rid of you now etc etc".

DH just replied "I'm not discussing this with you, you know nothing about me".

DH moved back home this week (I have my own reasons for not LTB, a 1yr old & a 2yr old and he is a wonderful father). And today my sister (A) plus another sister (B) came over - the first time they have seen him since our argument. Both walked in and immediately acknowledged me and the kids, scooping them up in hugs etc, and didn't even acknowledge or make eye contact with DH. DH said he said hello to them both, and A ignored him - I didn't hear him say anything. Then he said "Hi B, how are you, what have you been up to?" and she answered him and they spoke normally. DD dragged A upstairs to play, and then when A left about 45 minutes later, DH was outside. So A did not speak to or acknowledge DH at all. Apart from the general "hello" DH said that he said to both of them when they walked in, he didn't try and speak to her.

He has been ranting all evening since she left "The fucking cheek of her, ignoring me in my own home, if that ever happens again I'm warning you, you better have words with her" etc etc etc. He is outraged that she could ignore him in his own home.

I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, and he didn't try and speak to her directly like he did to B (although in fairness, A is stubborn, and there is a chance she would have ignored him even if he spoke to her directly, but I don't know this for sure). DH wants to me speak to her and say she's not welcome in our house if she's going to ignore him.

Who is BU here? I'm protective of A because she was only trying to stick up for me, but I don't know if this is blinding me to her faults/rudeness. Should I tell her that if she ignores DH in our home again, she isn't welcome?

sorry I agree with everyone else, he is scum and you need to LTB - your kids are not a good enough reason to stay with him because for all the reasons that are stated above he is not a wonderful father.

Be strong, kick him out and leave him out and give your sister a big hug because she is looking out for you

Have to love MN.

"is DH or Dsis BU?"

KatherinaRosalie: "it seems to be you..."

YABU and so is your 'D'H.

Your poor family are watching you and your poor kids put up with this behaviour. I'm surprised your sister was able to stay hold her tongue!

It seems like he's manipulating you and twisting things. And along with everything else, I'd be very wary of him. Red flags everywhere!

How is someone who uses the money set aside for the accommodation and utilities of their children for booze and drugs " a wonderful father"?

I have to echo the AIBU? - yes YOU are.

This sounds like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

You still here, OP?

It's not 'six of one, half a dozen of each other'.

Your 'd'h is not a wonderful father. He is a drug taking, family money spending twat.

I applaud your sister for visiting your house and being restrained enough not to deck him for treating you like a dickhead.

She obviously cares for you alot.

the other

Ask your sister if she can do you a favour and at least a knowledge him next time . Explain it was awkward for you and although you love that she has your back it would help a lot.
She sounds like a good sister and will probably oblige.
Xx

he is a crap father and partner, leave for good now!

You aren't so much unreasonable as suffering from Stockholm syndrome. You're very lucky to have sisters that give a shit about you. You probably won't but I'd urge you to LTB without so much as a backward glance.

who is BU? You!

You are the one keeping you and your children with a cokehead with a drink problem that spends family money needed for bills. You are the one who has to escape from him with the kids to stay elsewhere. You are the one who is speaking out about his abusive behaviour then going back to him.

How the hell do you expect your dsis who loves you to react when she see him?

Doesn't matter really what he says, we all know he's a wanker, but YABU.

Who is BU here?

You. If you insist on dragging your children up with a waste of space junkie, don't involve your family by expecting them to bail you out constantly, and then play happy families with the bastard when you decide your comfort is more important that your children's safety and mental well-being.

Sorry - yeah, I'm still here. Just sort of taking it all in. I wasn't expecting it to be unanimous. DH had messaged all his family to say my Dsis had ignored him and all of their responses were "fucking out of order to ignore you in your own home/ how dare she/ Brillo needs to have words with her" etc, but I still thought Dsis hadn't really done anything wrong, and this confirms it I guess.

I didn't post in relationships for relationship advice. I'm happy with my decision to stay with DH and give him a final chance. I believe him when he says this time he will change, and I need to give him one last chance.

Spending money due on rent, drinking and staying out all night, and cocaine.

If my partner did any of those things, I would not be with him. And I have a 4 months old and a 2.9 year old. I don't understand how any of that adds up to being a lovely dad? You need to tell him to get his act together pronto, or he can be a lovely dad part time.

What is it with women accepting this bollocks? I get that it's hard when children are involved but seriously, how can it be ok for that to be around them?!

A good father doesn't risk their kids having no roof over their head or warm rooms or food because he preferred to drink it or snort it up his nose.

What is he warning you he is going to you to you or your sister?

He (and you) may not even have your 'own home' if he carries on.

If you chose to stay with him that is your choice.

Your sister came to see you and your DC not a drunk, drugged up excuse for a husband and father.

FWIW, although DH admits to doing coke before, he swears blind (and I believe him) that he wasn't doing coke on the last occasion, and he doesn't do it frequently. Our argument last time was more to do with his drinking/behaviour when drunk, and not the drugs, which I think people are focusing on too much, and I think it's rare he does coke.

We obviously have different interpretations of the word 'wonderful'.

Your sister is 100% in the right, and your H is not a good partner.

Ditch him before your sister decides that you can't be relied upon to put your children before him and tells SS that you are in an abusive relationship with a drug addict.

You may be happy with your decision to stay with your H, but that's not really good enough for your children.

'Who is BU here?

You. If you insist on dragging your children up with a waste of space junkie, don't involve your family by expecting them to bail you out constantly, and then play happy families with the bastard when you decide your comfort is more important that your children's safety and mental well-being.'

Perfectly put, MadMags.

OP. If your H had really changed, he would not be getting all self-importantly outraged at being ignored 'in [his] own home' by your sister, but rather would be humbly accepting that his past behaviour means she does not feel able to talk to him at the moment, and resolving to work to win back her and your trust. But no - he puffs and blows and enlists all his family to pile in and make intimidating noise. Self-awareness and self-responsibilty = zero.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think your sister has it spot on, and you are making a terrible mistake.

How can you expect your sisters to be nice to him when they see him put you through all this?
Coke or no coke, he's made you miserable - they're trying to protect you. Even if you do stay with him now forever and ignore/forgive this, I imagine they will never be able to forget how he's treated you.

Ah, it's grand so. Because he's only out spending family money getting pissed, NOT taking coke.

So that's fine then. Of course your sister is wrong for taking you and your dc in. Your father of the year husband is only a binge drinker!

Your sister is right and you know it. He isn't a wonderful father. Or husband. I'm sure you have your reasons and they'll be the same reasons every other person stays with an abusive addict. He had the audacity to threaten you, telling you if your sister ever does that again you had better have words. Please please wake up and get him out of your life. If you kick him out, he sobers up, goes to NA and pulls his act together maybe just maybe you can be a family again but if you stay how long will it be until he drinks too much or snorts so much he ends up hurting you or the kids? How long until your sisters and family are sick of watching you go through the same dreadful cycle again and again and cut contact because they can't bear to see you or your kids treated this way? How long until one of your sisters contacts social services and lets them know you are letting you and your children live in a drug fuelled volatile envriroment? If you don't leave you may well lose your children. Drugs screw people up, they aren't themselves when their high and so many tragedies happen because a parent has snorted one line too many. Social services take drugs and drink very seriously. If you've been having the same argument for years and the only thing he's done about it is add cocaine to the mix why on earth do you think staying and putting your kids through the same arguments will change anything?

Please, please do the best thing for your two children. They deserve better.