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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? DH or Dsis?

168 replies

TheBrilloPad · 02/04/2017 21:21

Will try and keep it brief but I'm useless at that. DH & I have been married 4 years and throughout our marriage we argue about the same thing; his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use. In the past year or so I have started speaking out more about this with my family - taking the kids and moving in with family etc to get away from him.

A few weeks ago he did it again- went out, drunk too much, spent too much, was horrible when he got in. After this, my sister (I'll call her A) text him, along the lines of "I have never got involved in this before, but I have had enough, my sister and those kids deserve better than some scum who snorts cocaine off toilets, I just want rid of you now etc etc".

DH just replied "I'm not discussing this with you, you know nothing about me".

DH moved back home this week (I have my own reasons for not LTB, a 1yr old & a 2yr old and he is a wonderful father). And today my sister (A) plus another sister (B) came over - the first time they have seen him since our argument. Both walked in and immediately acknowledged me and the kids, scooping them up in hugs etc, and didn't even acknowledge or make eye contact with DH. DH said he said hello to them both, and A ignored him - I didn't hear him say anything. Then he said "Hi B, how are you, what have you been up to?" and she answered him and they spoke normally. DD dragged A upstairs to play, and then when A left about 45 minutes later, DH was outside. So A did not speak to or acknowledge DH at all. Apart from the general "hello" DH said that he said to both of them when they walked in, he didn't try and speak to her.

He has been ranting all evening since she left "The fucking cheek of her, ignoring me in my own home, if that ever happens again I'm warning you, you better have words with her" etc etc etc. He is outraged that she could ignore him in his own home.

I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, and he didn't try and speak to her directly like he did to B (although in fairness, A is stubborn, and there is a chance she would have ignored him even if he spoke to her directly, but I don't know this for sure). DH wants to me speak to her and say she's not welcome in our house if she's going to ignore him.

Who is BU here? I'm protective of A because she was only trying to stick up for me, but I don't know if this is blinding me to her faults/rudeness. Should I tell her that if she ignores DH in our home again, she isn't welcome?

OP posts:
lazytuesday · 02/04/2017 22:29

Your DH is being massively U. He is expecting everyone to ignore his behaviour and then taking his anger out on you when they dont. You are not responsible for your sisters behaviour to him and nor are you responsible for his behaviour. He sounds like an awful person.

corythatwas · 02/04/2017 22:29

"You can't expect to cry on her shoulder one minute and then be his friend the next."

THIS. You can't expect your sister to listen to you and then delete what you say from her memory the moment it suits you.

228agreenend · 02/04/2017 22:30

i'm not saying she should like dh, but only that it's common courtesy if someone says 'hello, how are you?', then you give a reply, and don't blank them.

I'm only referring to the greeting part of the op's post, not the rest. I think it's great that op has supportive sisters, and dh would definantly not win any Father of the Year awards.

Ferrisday · 02/04/2017 22:31

And fwiw, the things my H said about my family will stay with me forever. He tried his best to turn me against them.Fortunately my family never held it against me.

SusieOwl4 · 02/04/2017 22:31

Agree 100% with meep. If you think he will change let him change away from you and the children. You are risking having no one to turn to when, not if, it all goes wrong again. Your children are lucky they are being watched by their aunts.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2017 22:31

He doesn't think he has done anything wrong in the first place. If he did think he needs to change, he would understand why your sisters are not exactly thrilled to be his best buddies.

BINGO. Exactly right.

HandbagCrazy · 02/04/2017 22:32

He will not change.

Your H IBU. Massively, and that doesn't include the childishness in texting his family.

If you were my sister, and I had witnessed the upheaval of you and your children moving out just to 'get away from him' I'd find it hard to be civil to him too.

His selfish actions brought your family into it. He doesn't get to kick off about their reactions now.

I also think there's a giant red flag about his trying to distance you from the sister who will point out when he's in the wrong and who has the courage to show him her disapproval.
If you do ever LTB, she will be your biggest ally and he knows it, that's why he's kicking off so much about her.

pluck · 02/04/2017 22:32

You don't need to offer him any more chances! Clearly, you offered him enough chances before you even told your family about him. That could have been your break point, your date of freedom! You could have been free of him for the entire "past year or so [when] I have started speaking out more about this with my family - taking the kids and moving in with family etc to get away from him."

You could have had a year of freedom and extra money! Instead, you let 2-3 wasted years turn into 4 wasted years.

You mention having a one year old. Was that baby's birth what prompted you to sart talking to your family?

I think you know he is dead wrong, and that's why you started talking to your family and posting on Mumsnet. I know he's close by, and loud, and there, but he isn't more real, or more important than you and your two children, and your family! You matter more than that.

ohfourfoxache · 02/04/2017 22:33

I'm 1 million % with your sister on this one

tabbymog · 02/04/2017 22:33

I'm mentally comparing what you described, OP, with my ex's behaviour to me and the length of time I stuck with it. Yes, I agree with the advice to leave him and lean on your sister, of course I do, but I do understand how incredibly difficult it's going to be. Been there, done that.

I think you need help, counselling maybe, to get a better perspective on your OH, the situation you're in and where it's going to go. It's a basic scientific principle that applies everywhere and at all times, that you can't see a situation for what it actually is, from inside it.

Wishing you all the best.

ClemDanfango · 02/04/2017 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2017 22:35

OK 228. You are certainly right that he wouldn't win dad of the year.

ChasedByBees · 02/04/2017 22:35

What Herero says.

I'm happy with my decision to stay with DH and give him a final chance. I believe him when he says this time he will change, and I need to give him one last chance.

As part of that last chance he needs to realise that people will be understandably angry with him and he needs to make amends. If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve that last chance.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 02/04/2017 22:39

228agreenend Are you actually for real? I would not for one second stand around exchanging even the most basic pleasantries with a BIL who was snorting coke, spending rent money, and treating my nieces/nephews/DS like shit. You're worried that his feelings might get a bit hurt? As far as I'm concerned, about fucking time. This winner sounds like his comfortable little life has been one very happy ride at everyone else's expense so far. May the shocks and revelations keep coming, as far as I'm concerned.

BonnyScotland · 02/04/2017 22:42

Sister A is class .. she has your back....

Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/04/2017 22:43

There is some really. Bad coke around at the mo in London and scotland its cut with crystals of bleach and could be fatal, but everyone knows that's a risk if you use drugs right??

I hope you have really good life insurance that covers death from self inflicted drug use ??

bigmac4me · 02/04/2017 22:44

One of my current foster child is in care because his father was addicted to cocaine and definately too much alcohol, and his mother refused to acknowledge the problem and said he was a "wonderful father".

Just saying.

TinfoilHattie · 02/04/2017 22:46

Wonderful father. Who uses Class A drugs, drinks, stays out all night and snorts the rent money.

That's not a wonderful father.

notapizzaeater · 02/04/2017 22:51

He needs to apologise to your sister for the past - I don't think I could have even visited

Obsidian77 · 02/04/2017 22:51

I can't get past the fact that you had to ask.
Your DH is BU.
You don't have to answer on this thread but I hope you are getting professional help for yourself.
It sounds like this situation is way out of control.

AyeAmarok · 02/04/2017 22:55

Oh dear. Another one of these tragic threads where a woman clings desperately to an irresponsible lowlife with a drink and drug problem and tries to convince herself and MN that he's a great father, he's "changed", and she's a great mum despite forcing her DC to live with someone who is neglectful of their needs.

This is the second one I've been on in a few hours. I don't have the stomach to watch this slow motion car crash again.

In case you were wondering, your H is BU. As are you.

PNGirl · 02/04/2017 22:55

Oh, wow. You are delusional if you think even 10% of your problem is your sister. He's the absolute stereotype of a "lad" who's about 15 years off the maturity level to be a father.

I'm married. Been with DH 13 years. Do you know how many times he's got wasted to the point of being nasty, stayed out all night without warning, spent the bill money on drugs or threatened me? 0. That's the acceptable level.

Fanciedachange17 · 02/04/2017 22:55

You're heading for your children to be removed from you for their safety. No, I'm not over exaggerating. Grow up OP and put them first why don't you. Your sister is a diamond and 100% right and she must love the dc to keep coming to see them while you play silly devils thinking your DH is better than being on your own. He is not even a good father let alone wonderful. LTB or lose your kids and probably your family. The choice is yours.

PartiallyStars · 02/04/2017 22:57

When I first got together with (now) DH he dumped me after a week and I was very upset. We got back together a year later. Many of my friends were very cold and suspicious towards him for a time (not any more, he has redeemed himself!). DH still remembers this (we've been together 20 years now) and his reaction now, and at the time, was "I'm pleased your friends look out for you so much." Because he loves me.

Foxysoxy01 · 02/04/2017 22:59

There are threads on MN at times that I just get a deflated feeling and a slight twitch in my left eye from and this would be one of them.

He is not wonderful.

Your kids will know what a dick their father is if not now then as soon as their are old enough to understand a coke head father that pushes his weight around but is completely ignorant of his own massive failings, is not really much of a father at all and they would thank you for getting them away from him and his influence on their lives.

He bullies your sister for sticking up for you and is so blindly arrogant that he feels completely vindicated in his rudeness to a guest in your home.

Good luck OP your going to need it.

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