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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not like this interview question?

173 replies

rockabye · 02/04/2017 14:39

I've name changed for this as it may be outing. If anyone recognises me please do not out me in RL. And please everyone be kind.

I recently had a job interview for my current company. Its a promotion and I didn't get it. I'm obviously upset but I accept the result.

I'm uncomfortable however with one of the questions I was asked and I'm not sure what to do.

The question was "when have you ever failed at something in your work or at home and how did you deal with that?"

This upset me as I have suffered depression, had marital problems and had bereavements all in the past year. I've also suffered bullying at work which HR have records of, yet it was a woman from HR who asked this question. My manager is also fully aware of the problems I've had over the past years as I disclosed them to her in full.

Am I wrong to find that question wrong? Surely they could have asked something else or reworded it?

I took quite a few minutes to think of an answer, because obviously all I could think of at first were all the above instances of where I have felt a failure.

If I say something, will I not look like I'm just trying to find a reason to complain about not getting the job?

Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
Birthdaypartyangstiness · 02/04/2017 16:13

Were you really getting therapy/counselling from this "counsellor/employment advisor" person? Just because someone has this role or qualification doesn't mean they are always working in this way.

To be honest, it sounds like you had a chin wag, got some sympathetic outrage and some uneducated advice...in real therapy or counselling you'd have been listened to, asked some gentle questions and prompted to look at this from all angles, and already come to the conclusion that the question was a reasonable one and realised that you could perhaps think about it differently for next time.

Being outraged, talking about triggering, and encouraging you to be complaintative and aggreived at the debrief sounds really very amateurish.

A core aspect of almost all therapies is learning that you can't change the world and other people, but you can change your own reactions. The advice you got was quite contrary to this basic tenet.

limitedperiodonly · 02/04/2017 16:13

I agree that it's a standard question, but that doesn't make it a good one.

When losing at Monopoly my standard response is to kick the board up in the air and stomp off. But I wouldn't say that during an interview.

Goldfishjane · 02/04/2017 16:15

limited "When losing at Monopoly my standard response is to kick the board up in the air and stomp off. "

um, is that a joke? Sorry but I really can't tell Blush

OP I agree that you are probably not well enough for promotion right now - I wish you all the best Flowers

ilovechocolates · 02/04/2017 16:17

Yes it may not have been the right time for you to get promotion, and yes to realise that hurts, but get the feedback and learn from it so you can get the job next time. I know how it feels, I've been there, but I got my promotion next time.

As an interviewer, this is one of the questions I ask, or a variation of it. I work in healthcare and so see some distressing sights, as not all patients survive. I ask this to know that if this happens, how you will react and overcome it. And everyone makes mistakes, sometimes may not make a mistake but things don't always go as well as expected. I need to know how you will cope- as other have said, your resilience

KateDaniels2 · 02/04/2017 16:19

Op 'mistake' might have been better for you.

But a mistake is not the same as a failure and 'mistake' could (in theory) upset someone else.

Your counsellor sounds horrendous tbh. Failure is a word. Just a word with a meaning.

If you arent feeling resiliant enough to deal with that word maybe your arent ready to take on a new role, at the moment. But that doesn't mean you wont be ready forever.

Its better to not get the job, if you arent ready. Get it another time when you are ready. It will be better for your mental health.

I have depression and actually dropped out of an interview process a few weeks ago, for a promotion. I was honest and said i didnt feel ready. But i will be one day soon.

GahBuggerit · 02/04/2017 16:20

In your opinion limited. Ime it's been very effective at weeding out the overconfident bullshitters who also declare they have never failed at anything.

Tbf interviews are only good for getting a general overview of someone and checking they are presentable, will be a good fit personality wise etc.

limitedperiodonly · 02/04/2017 16:21

You didn't quote the rest Goldfish. I thought it was clear that the things I do, and the things I say I do are sometimes different.

OP should stop beating herself up about whether she is unworthy of promotion and instead rehearse some answers to this standard interview question posed by people who aren't worthy of interviewing.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/04/2017 16:22

I work with some of the biggest UK companies in terms of employees and they all ask a variation of this question for the reasons previously given.

ZiggyForever · 02/04/2017 16:25

But having health problems (mental or physical) isn't a failure.

You've been asked a standard interview question; I don't think you have grounds to complain.

LondonStill83 · 02/04/2017 16:25

Aw, op I really feel for you, it sounds like at the moment you are just feeling overwhelmed and looking for something to hold onto.

I get it, I suffer anxiety and depression, and it can be so hard to claw your way out of it when it's bad.

As other posters have said, it's a very standard interview question, designed to see how you react when things go wrong. A good answer would have been "I spent months building a relationship with commissioners and writing a funding bid, I was so sure we would get the funding, but we were unsuccessful. I sought feedback from the commissioners as to where our bid didn't meet the specifications, and arranged a meeting for six months time to explore any upcoming similar opportunities. I also sent a thank you card for their time and consideration".

What you are talking about: depression, bullying, bereavement are personal issues and not failures, and it would have been unfair to them to ask about those things during the interview, as THOSE things may be triggering. However, another standard question could be "tell me about a time you experienced tension with a colleague, and how you resolved it". So, you need to be prepared to be able to reflect on your whole working practice objectively and with a high level of self critique... something perhaps you aren't ready do at this time.

Your counsellor is frankly wrong and, had you taken her advice, could have caused you to embarrass yourself at work. I would be very cautious of any counsellor who expresses outrage without trying to explore the situation objectively.

Take some time to recover, build some resilience, then maybe get back to career development!

Goldfishjane · 02/04/2017 16:25

limited - the rest of it doesn't make me any more clear whether you are kidding, sorry!

It's of particular interest as I happen to know someone who did this during a friends' weekend away recently - I always think it's inevitable I will turn out to know someone here....!

Gabilan · 02/04/2017 16:25

Also starting to realise that yes, maybe I don't have the strength or maturity for a promoted post and maybe it was the right result. Hurts to admit it

OP you evidently have the strength to deal with a huge amount of adversity and depressing things. It's just that at the moment that strength is being used up in other ways and there just wasn't enough left for the promotion. And I'm sure you have maturity.

Does your counsellor do any positive reframing with you? There will be something good that comes out of this - you've had more interview practice for example. Or perhaps you will seek more help with your depression. You cannot change the result but you can have some control over your reaction.

You are allowed to be kind to yourself.

limitedperiodonly · 02/04/2017 16:26

In your opinion limited. Ime it's been very effective at weeding out the overconfident bullshitters who also declare they have never failed at anything.

Of course it's your opinion. And IMO it's not a very good tool at weeding out people who have rehearsed answers and penalises those who may be good but haven't thought about it.

But it's a tool that interviewers have so it's a legitimate one to use. People who haven't prepared will know to do so for the next time and maybe the boastful ones will learn to be a bit more humble next time.

trinity0097 · 02/04/2017 16:27

When interviewing you should be treated just like an outside candidate, so with no reference to things that they might already know about you.

This is a standard type of question that people get asked at interviews every day up and down the country.

louise987 · 02/04/2017 16:28

Sounds like you made your mind up before you posted. I'm sorry the questions was a trigger for you, you should not have been made to feel that way, but like others said it is a standard question so I'm sure was not meant in any way to discriminate.

The experiences you have been though at home as no way failures so please don't view them as such. Keep up the good work and well done on your desire to progress your career

limitedperiodonly · 02/04/2017 16:29

It wasn't me Goldfish because I haven't played Monopoly in 35 years. I always wanted to be the dog and if not the game might end before it started.

I also wanted the stations and the yellow and red ones.

DailyFaily · 02/04/2017 16:31

When we interview we would often use this type of question and include reference to 'at work or at home' so as to give people who maybe haven't got a lot of recent work experience a chance (i.e. school leavers, people returning to work after a break). I'm sure the interviewers would never expect you to start talking about marital difficulties as an example but I have certainly heard people give good examples regarding issues they've had when volunteering with other organisations (e.g. PTA, scouts, church groups) - the context is less important than the description of how it was dealt with (with the best answers being recognised and owned the mistake, made the best of the situation and try to minimise the chance of it happening again). I'd agree with everyone who says to think about these types of questions and how you would feel most comfortable answering in advance of any future interview.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 02/04/2017 16:33

They didn't ask you when you have felt like a failure, they asked how you failed at something and how you coped with it, in other words a project or job that failed and what you did to get things back on an even track.

GahBuggerit · 02/04/2017 16:36

Well quite, most people rehearse in some way for interviews don't they? Then it would come down to who answered the question best.

And if someone can't think on their feet and answer a question such as this, even when I've helped them by saying it's fine for a non work example, and with this question probably right up there on a Google search of "how to prepare for an interview", then i dare say they probably aren't that great. With the odd exception ie rest of interview corking and they have clearly let nerves get the better of them.

Gabilan · 02/04/2017 16:42

I always wanted to be the dog and if not the game might end before it started

Sit near the bank and nick £100 notes whilst no-one's looking. Another thing not to mention at interview.

MrsMackenzo · 02/04/2017 16:43

Like others have said, it's a standard interview question. Harsh as this is going to sound, interviewers cannot pander to the needs of every employee they're talking to.

I wouldn't advise complaining - it'll only backfire on you and make you look bad, I'm afraid.

Falafelings · 02/04/2017 16:48

You're over thinking it. It's not an overly personal question. All they want is a situation where things went a bit pear shaped and the steps you took to sort it out. For example falling short of sales figures and how you resolved the issue. Or failing your second year of a degree and what steps you took to reach your potential afterwards.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/04/2017 16:48

I do wish people would RTFT

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2017 16:50

Sorry you feel crap rockabye, it's not nice to be told you're BU, I know.

Light relief? I don't know if you are a nerd but I am so reassure yourself with the fact that even Captain Kirk couldn't cope with this... Star Fleet would make officers take a test called the Kobayashi Maru to see if they could cope with certain failure. Captain Kirk cheated so he could win.

Just prep an innocuous answer and use it every time.

Falafelings · 02/04/2017 16:52

If I'm asked for a negative quality, I usually opt for caring too much and putting too much thought into stuff and pressure in myself