to not like this interview question?

[rockabye]

I've name changed for this as it may be outing. If anyone recognises me please do not out me in RL. And please everyone be kind.

I recently had a job interview for my current company. Its a promotion and I didn't get it. I'm obviously upset but I accept the result.

I'm uncomfortable however with one of the questions I was asked and I'm not sure what to do.

The question was "when have you ever failed at something in your work or at home and how did you deal with that?"

This upset me as I have suffered depression, had marital problems and had bereavements all in the past year. I've also suffered bullying at work which HR have records of, yet it was a woman from HR who asked this question. My manager is also fully aware of the problems I've had over the past years as I disclosed them to her in full.

Am I wrong to find that question wrong? Surely they could have asked something else or reworded it?

I took quite a few minutes to think of an answer, because obviously all I could think of at first were all the above instances of where I have felt a failure.

If I say something, will I not look like I'm just trying to find a reason to complain about not getting the job?

Any advice much appreciated.

Standard question that i ask every time, i also say"or at home" so it gives the person the chance to think of a non work context in case they can't remember anything from their work. And so it's inclusive for sahm who haven't worked for a while.

Your counsellor is wrong

I have suffered from depression, and the feeling of 'failure' and modifying it is, to me, a core piece of work that you need to do to move forward.

I can well imagine a time when I would have found this question upsetting, but that would be a sign that I was still struggling (for me the struggle took years), but it does not mean it is rational to feel that way.

The question is pretty standard, and will have been asked of everyone interviewed.

Please don't complain about the question. They will think you are being over sensitive and self absorbed. As pp have said it is absolutely standard to ask such a question.

Examples of situations candidates have told me about include:

Not doing as well in A Levels as expected
Failing driving test
Marriage breakdown
Missing deadlines
Not getting a job they wanted
Not getting the house they wanted
Failing to get into the university they wanted
Not passing an exam
Not winning a contract
Missing a ferry for the family holiday

And it's not what happened that we're interested in (although something stupid or criminal would call your judgement into question so don't do that!) but how you overcame the set back. What did you do? Were you ultimately successful? Did it prompt a change in your life? Do you have good insight into the impact of the decisions you made? Does your example show good resilience, self awareness or courage? How did you move forward? Did you evaluate/seek feedback/change your approach/perservere/work with others to utilise your collective strengths?

rockabye do you feel you shouldn't have been asked that question at all?

A cognitive behavioural approach would look at the core beliefs you have about yourself, and the interpretations you make of external events. Sounds like that might be more useful to you than a counsellor who expresses her own views about whether something is or is not unfair (especially when, as in this case, it's not)

Very standard question which you should have been prepared for and then wouldn't have been caught out. If you had prepared for the tell me about a mistake you could have used that example.

Your counsellor is doing you no favours.

Everyone has set backs. Those who overcome them without blaming others often go on to succeed.

I can think of lots of people who have overcome failure to go on to success. MPs who didn't get elected the first time they stood as a candidate. Pretty much anyone who's ever been successful in tech has failed somewhere. JK Rowling was rejected by multiple publishers before Harry Potter was picked up.

Failure is a crucial part of self development.

My counsellor works for a national well known mental health charity, and she was really outraged when I asked what she thought

As someone who has worked with mental health professionals, undertaken basic counselling training and undergone counselling myself, I can say that although it must have been comforting she was outraged, as others have said it is completely unprofessional. I know when involved in the therapeutic relationship things can seem different, but from outside I would say it is time to get a new counsellor. This is not only unprofessional but also potentially damaging for them to have responded in this way.

Agree that "triggering" is not a word normal people use.
I had a family member murdered last year. Not surprisingly life has been difficult. But I would never bring it up in answer to this question. I would talk about making a mess of the first meal I made for my in laws where the middle was still frozen, or a mistake on a project.

Moving has imho given a thoroughly constructive and helpful reply. Btw I am not an HR professional but recruitment has been a core task in previous and current roles.

OP, is at this as gently as I can, you would do well to take on board what Moving has said and selectively ditch some of what your counsellor has said

I really really don't mean to be harsh but it absolutely is a standard interview questions and in my industry is an important one

I work now and always have in an emotionally demanding and self aware industry .....there would be no issue at all with a history of depression , I have recently been through a small breakdown but the issue would be with your reaction to it....to be honest you would be showing me as an interviewer that you couldn't cope with certain issues.....failing or making mistakes is common in life and what I want to see from an interviewee is that they know that and they can resolve an issue and learn from it

Please don't follow your counsellors advice it's ridiculous

I've had staff members go through all sorts of godawful situations and not for a single second has it made me think less of them....quite the opposite it's made me impressed they can handle the crap as well as the good stuff

But if one of them raised the issue you are I would see it as entitled and over sensitive

There are challenging situations in all jobs and a wide sector of society has been through depression and awful situations ....the world doesn't stop and some things at work are necessary

I really hope you find a role that suits you but it may be worth reconsidering what you feel are reasonable requests and what aren't

Truly good luck

I was referring to Moving's post at 15.34 but the one at 15.38 is just as good!

I would get another counsellor. She sounds pretty shit. Triggering to ask about your failures? We all fail at things, it's human and an interview panel shouldn't have to reword their acceptable questions incase it triggers someone

OP, if you take nothing else from this thread then please re-read U2Hastheedge words. Hits the nail on the head perfectly.

Thanks Edballs Now Ed Balls is an excellent example of someone who has overcome failure.

I work in recruitment and HR and am available for hire. Reasonable rates

It's a question that gets asked quite a bit, so my advice would be have 3 examples ready, with resolutions. It's not to show what a shit life you have, but to show your problem solving skills.

I think one I gave was dealing with colleagues in a multi cultural setting, some men didn't like being managed by women, so I had to adjust my management style, so they thought any suggestions for improvement were their ideas. Or address any KPI / quality of performance issues in the weekly briefing, so again it didn't appear like I was addressing everyone.

They ask what is a flaw in your character or several flaws. I usually going with wanting to deliver excellent customer service, so when it's out of my control I get frustrated. I like things to go right, so you could say I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I deal with it by having realistic expectations and trying my best for every customer. Not taking it personally when someone is ranting because of a failure, trying to resolve the situation and helping as much as I can to make the customer feel they're really important and feedback is important, even when sometimes things happen.

You said that you found the word failure too harsh.

When you are feeling less raw, you'll be able to argue that - eg that failures are just opportunities to learn. And you won't have the emotional reaction to it that you are having now, because you'll really believe it.

Once you get there, you'll feel really liberated. You my even tell lots of people about your depression because you'll believe it was an illness that you survived

I also think for context. ....in the last eiget months my marriage has ended , I've suffered with depression leading to a breakdown, been diagnosed with two horrendous conditions and my life has changed beyond dramatically , and in the last 5 years , I've had a family member murdered , been in icu and had my baby inames special care

But ultimately whilst my employears were supportive of me at the time I wouldn't refer to it in an interview nor expect them to not ask me where it's known about and appropriate

Frankly I consider that I cope with failures and setbacks amazgly because I'm still bloody standing , I don't want to be treated with kid gloves or want special treatment bexcuse despite all of it .....I'm here and I'm rocking it

... and yes, in the meantime, think of examples that are fairly bland and don't 'trigger' you. Bullshit them

thank you again. I'm feeling a bit shittier now, but thank you.

Need to work on my resilience better I guess, and how I may come across at work.

I had a family member murdered last year. Not surprisingly life has been difficult. But I would never bring it up in answer to this question. I would talk about making a mess of the first meal I made for my in laws where the middle was still frozen, or a mistake on a project

So sorry for your terrible loss, brasty. The point you make though is valid. Last weekend we took the foster children out for the day, and as it was Mother's Day I was given a free plant (or rather the children were given a plant to give to me, who they assumed was mummy). The children didn't say "this isn't my mummy, my mummy abused and neglected us and isn't allowed to see us anymore" - they said "thank you" and gave it to me.

Completely standard question. They ask about failures and not mistakes because they want you to talk about something fairly major, and a mistake could be some little error you fixed in 2 minutes. Which is why it includes failures in your personal life too, as many people have never faced a major set back at work.

A good example would be what's just happened. Next time you're asked you could say you failed to get this promotion, but you listened to feedback and did such and such and now you're in a much better position to take on the role. That's all it has to be. They aren't looking for you to go into great detail about your failure, what matters is how you dealt with it. It's a chance to talk yourself up, not to dwell on your past issues.

BTW, if we are conflating mistakes/failures, can I remind you of those favourite 'inspirational' quotations:
"The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything." (Theodore Roosevelt)
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." (Albert Einstein)

Don't feel shittier. A disappointing thing happened and you are dealing with it.

Think of the positive steps you have taken: you have proactively sought feedback from a variety of people and listened to it. If you learn from this experience and apply your learning to next time it will help you.

Onwards and upwards :)

Yes. We understand.

Rockabye If you're feeling depressed and this is making it worse, please ask for this thread to be deleted and try and take care of yourself. AIBU is a particularly tough place to be when you're feeling down.