to not like this interview question?

[rockabye]

I've name changed for this as it may be outing. If anyone recognises me please do not out me in RL. And please everyone be kind.

I recently had a job interview for my current company. Its a promotion and I didn't get it. I'm obviously upset but I accept the result.

I'm uncomfortable however with one of the questions I was asked and I'm not sure what to do.

The question was "when have you ever failed at something in your work or at home and how did you deal with that?"

This upset me as I have suffered depression, had marital problems and had bereavements all in the past year. I've also suffered bullying at work which HR have records of, yet it was a woman from HR who asked this question. My manager is also fully aware of the problems I've had over the past years as I disclosed them to her in full.

Am I wrong to find that question wrong? Surely they could have asked something else or reworded it?

I took quite a few minutes to think of an answer, because obviously all I could think of at first were all the above instances of where I have felt a failure.

If I say something, will I not look like I'm just trying to find a reason to complain about not getting the job?

Any advice much appreciated.

The mention of home is to be fair to people who may have limited relevant work experience to give them a chance to show transferable skills.

This really is a standard question and TBH if anyone gave me an answer about their relationship I'd probably mark the question as not answered appropriately. I'd be looking for an answer about a project that hadn't gone well that they'd fixed - extension, building work, wedding planning etc.

Are you likely to be applying for other promotions at the same company in the future?

If you might be, kicking up a fuss about their standard questions being triggering is a sure way to guarantee not being shortlisted in future.

your counsellor should really familiarise herself with standard interview questions. I had a lot worst, on days when I had 4 or 5 back-to-back interviews (within the same company, just different people), and this one is genuinely really mild.

It really depends on your industry and your level, but I remember a very high level candidate starting laughing and telling how she baked a birthday cake for her kid, and how everything went awfully wrong. She ended up showing how she now always have a plan B for client diner/ meetings abroad with various examples. She made a silly story very funny and ended it up applying it to international board meetings, she got the job. She was just flawless, engaging, and her technical knowledge was impeccable, which always help. You are rarely judged on one sentence only, it's a general feeling.

I am really sorry, but if this very standard question threw you, it sounds like you would not have been the right fit for the promotion at all.

Sorry page moved fast, i type slow!

I think it's a normal question, and it should not be triggering. Please don't complain about the question. They might ask for examples from home because some people may not have enough examples from work - what if it was their first job? You're not meant to talk about your personal circumstances, but you could say, for example, you tried (and failed) to run a marathon or start up a Brownie pack, etc, and discuss things that went wrong while trying to do those, and what you did about it, either to fix the issue, or to learn better for next time.

but it can't be a good question to ask someone who may have hidden health problems like depression?

The thing is with a HIDDEN health problem is that it is HIDDEN. They knew about your situation only because they knew YOU. Other applicants who have suffered and they would not have known. If you think about it most health problems, certainly ones from the past, are hidden unless the person chooses to tell someone.

I do think you are being oversensitive. Everyone's life is different and many/most people have dealt with different health issues and personal tragedies, but we cannot expect every question everyone asks to take account of these issues. Even standard questions or asides will upset someone, and we just have to take it. A casual "it's a lovely day, isn't it?" could upset someone for whom it is a painful anniversary. or dealing with a crisis that is not known.

For instance my own children are adopted, my foster children have histories that are different to most. Many ordinary questions and statements do not apply to them, could potentially upset them, but it's no good dwelling on that. The person does not mean any harm, so they have all learnt just to give a pretty standard answer and move on.

Somebody once told me that people being insensitive was better than people than being over sensitive. And I tend to agree.

Totally standard question, and to be honest I'd expect anyone who goes for an interview to have an answer ready for it. It's about as likely to be asked as "why do you want this job", "what can you offer" and what are your strengths / weaknesses".
I doubt think much of a counsellor who seems to be supporting you complaining. She should be helping you to see your previous issues as something other than personal failures.

Sorry but you are being oversensitive - I have suffered with depression and anxiety and have been badly bullied at work and as a result have had counselling so I know a little bit about how you must have felt. But this is a standard question at interview and I really would advise you not to bring it up, I think it will look as if you are bitter and expect special treatment - even if that's not the case. My counsellor would never have suggested I take this sort of thing further but would have helped me to understand why I took it the way I did.

I would be bemused if a candidate for a job told me that question was "triggering". It obviously depends on the type of job you were applying for and the industry you are in, but it's not a phrase I have ever encountered outside of MN. Nobody would expect bereavement or depression to be given as examples of failure in a job interview, as they're not failures just part of life. They would have expected an example about failing an exam or missing a deadline and how you overcame the situation.

I have depression and anxiety and I agree with others here - the question is a standard question to explore your sense of resilience, how you deal with setbacks and whether you have enough sense of self awareness to realise that everyone (including yourself) will have failed at something.

Depression has nothing to do with failure and I think if you describe 'failure' as a trigger word it almost implies you can't deal with the word or the concept of failing at work. That might affect whether people can think you can cope with high risk projects for example (which by their nature would be more prone to failure).

I really wouldn't recommend you complain about the question.

Your counsellor sounds shit

She should be helping you adjust your view so you don't see these things as failures, and to build your resilience so that you don't get so worked up over a

Over a really simple and common interview question

We use this type of question in most of our more senior interviews. It's usually phrased something like, "As you know, working [in x area/at y task/whatever] can be difficult and sometimes things go wrong. Can you describe an instance from working in this field where you encountered a challenge, how you handled it, and whether, with further experience, you would now handle it any differently?"

It's asked of all candidates and the answers can be surprisingly revealing. Had they not asked you that question, and asked it of everyone else, that would have been unfair (or obvious vice versa). You have to consider that if we scoured everyone's personnel files - assuming they were an internal candidate - you could find reasons against every possible question such that you couldn't ask anyone anything.

I understand that your personal context may have made you feel sensitive to the idea that this was targeted specifically at your, OP, but I suspect that would be incorrect in this case. Whatever the case, . I went for something big a few years ago and utterly crashed and burned at it. I spent the rest of the week in floods of tears. A few years later, I had another bash and got it. I was definitely more ready the second time. Fingers crossed you get your moment too.

The thing is, when you're depressed and anxious it really can permeate and colour your whole entire life. You cant see over it or around it and everything reminds you of it. I have been there.

I've been asked a variation on this question in every single interview I've ever attended. It's not a personal attack, it's to see how you handle a problem and whether you're proactive in addressing the cause and preventing it from happening again.

Just seen the bit about the counsellor. Agree with PP - that was not helpful of them at all. I'd go so far as to say unprofessional. Please, OP, take a big step back and a deep breath. Minimally wait a few days to cool down and get a longer perspective on this. A bit of time and distance from it may give you a fresh view of the matter. It may not, but nothing will be changed by the wait.

My counsellor works for a national well known mental health charity, and she was really outraged when I asked what she thought...

It doesn't make them right however.

It is a basic question that I have been asked and asked others numerous times.

You really shouldn't complain.

As you move up the tree in most jobs you need to be able to deal with failure because it will happen. If your personal circumstances and mental health mean that you cannot manage workplace failures professionally then you are not the right candidate for promotion.

And yy to those pointing out that things like suffering depression does it constitute a personal failure.

It's a standard interview question. Your reaction is the issue, not the question.

I would suggest that your reaction to this is why you haven't got the job.

If you complain about the question you will look very odd. You should seriously think twice about this as many industries are very small and you never know when you may come across one of these people again.

...does not constitute a personal failure.....

Your counsellor sounds inept. She has made things worse.

The best advice has been given here ie prepare a strong answer to this question before your next interview.

My counsellor works for a national well known mental health charity, and she was really outraged when I asked what she thought

Obviously I do not doubt what you say is true, OP. But having worked with a mental health charity for many years, as well as numerous therapists and counsellors, I do find that surprising. I have yet to see a therapist or counsellor outraged about anything, in some ways it is part of the experience for the counsellor to remain calm (or whatever the opposite of outraged is). I do however think that it is comforting to believe someone is outraged on our behalf, as it justifies our own feelings. However, I am not a mental health professional so only have my own experiences to go on and may be totally wrong.

But I wish you well in your own personal journey. And bare in mind you are not alone because even the most casual question or statement has the ability to be "a trigger" for someone, as we will never know what others are going through personally if we meet them on a casual basis. And nor should we.

I would get another counsellor. She sounds pretty shit. Triggering to ask about your failures? We all fail at things, it's human and an interview panel shouldn't have to reword their acceptable questions incase it triggers someone.

Please don't take her advice if you want a promotion in the future. I am sorry you weren't successful this time but complaining about the question might mean you won't get it the next time either.

Your counsellor sounds like a proper flip flop. They're not the one who is going to look like a right plonker in front of their boss. Standard question and I am afraid you re going to have to find strategies to adapt to life rather than hoping life adapts to you.

it's standard, and it's a sensible question to explore self-awareness, resilience, and willingness to learn.

Your counsellor sounds pretty poor.

You really won't do yourself any favours by complaining about this. You could acknowledge you found it hard to answer, and see if you can get feedback on how to handle it in future interviews, but there's nothing wrong with the question.