To go ape about all this (re dd, almost 14)

[SaltySeaDog72]

dd1 turns 14 on Monday. Addicted to Smart phone. Very deceptive, smuggles devices into her room late at night sometimes despite rules and consequences. Socially very confident. Two inches taller than me. Blond and leggy. Academic self esteem not good ever (dyslexic) in lower groups, she is capable of being in higher groups but never puts in enough effort to demonstrate that.

Am a LP for last 4 years. ExH 1 mile away, contact in place EoW plus 1 evening in the week and all stable. Works well. Her 12yo sister is ASD and has problems with anxiety which makes evenings quite difficult. dd1 is oblivious to this, am just adding context.

Was really in need of getting away last month and finally managed to get away for 3 nights. Came back to find house trashed and clearly dd1 had stayed over unsupervised with friends, she told her dad she slept at a friend's house elsewhere. There was a huge bag of rubbish in the middle of the living room (full of Easter egg boxes, MacDonald's) several 2l bottles of Fanta and coke (open) left lying around, spillages, tablets (as in medication) of unknown source on floor, furniture moved around, pictures moved. Blah blah. dd1 said 'I did tidy up'. Was really shocked to come home to this. dd1 birthday sleepover cancelled. No sleepovers for the foreseeable. Decided not to go completely mental due to no boys or drugs/alcohol but had a conversation about it being very irresponsible and not appropriate.

After this dd1 that same week I caught dd1 with an old smart phone in her room at 23:30h. Phone removed for 24hrs as per normal. Very pissed off she did this just days after being punished for secret sleepover.

The following week am in the bathroom and shocked to find underneath a towel dd1 has tried to wash a sexy thong, pink undies with tassels. Revolting things. In a bit of a state. Tell her off and she said a friend leant them to her. Said 'do you think these are appropriate for a 13 yo girl? She says no. Told her never to have them in the house again.

We have had a few chats about how superficial she is with homework and she got upset about being in lower groups. I told her I feel I am having to parent her like a toddler by making sure old smart phones etc are hidden from her and I feel he behaviour is not mature and she should start spending some time on her work to balance things out if she wants to move up groups at school. She looks contrite but says 'yes' but now it's the end of term.

FFWD to yesterday I collect her from a party at her friend's and there are two boys there. Am waiting on the door step for dd1 to put shoes on. One of the boys mentions 'dd1 it's your birthday on Monday, what are you doing' and says, laughing 'can we sleep at your house again'

So in the car I said to her. He slept over that weekend didn't he. Cue dd1 getting all angry, first denying it then saying 'he only stayed til midnight' it's clear at least one boy and maybe others were at my house sleeping over with no adult present. She then sat in the. She then sat in car saying nothing so I removed phone and sent her to bed. Have since seen evident she has been online at 23:46 last night despite phone being removed. Dunno how she has done that. I have lost control of this kid.

Am livid at the disrespect and the not giving a shit and the bahaving like she is 16.

I have tried to not go ape with her but am now at the end of my rope. Meeting up with her dad today to discuss what to do.

She is going to football match with her grandad today and I was thinking of cancelling but it's with family so don't know. AIBU to remove her iPhone4 and replace it with a crap phone with no internet? AIBU to cancel birthday shopping trip?

graph I understand that's how you do it and I honestly wasnt trying too have a go at you, hope it didn't come of that way! What I was aiming at was I did all that but I wasn't active for quite a long time, I was actually deemed unusual for it. So I get with how society is, people would maybe think sex is occurring but in some cases not always.

It's a probably a teenage girl acting out because she wants more attention, who is obsessed with her phone, testing her boundaries I.e the party and trying new underwear out because her friends wear thongs.

Good, OP. All sounds much more realistic and sensible. The one thing I wouldn't do is throw out her thong, however dodgy. Provided she is being supervised online and in person, her underwear in and of itself isn't the issue.

she buys her own undies because normally she gets perfectly fine ones. And normally doesn't seem bothered about particular undies. This tasseled thong was a total anomaly and I was shocked by it.

I was wrong to be shocked but I am not perfect. Clearly.

Perfectly fine - in other words you cede her control but judge.

You aren't consistent in your messages to her and that's where the nub of this is.

Salty - sounds to me like you are doing a good job.

I'd like to echo what many others have said regarding exploitation. I went to a course and one of the things they said to look out for is expensive gifts. A secret phone, one given to her by a boy or man, would set off serious alarm bells.

Also, the way the boy spoke to you and the fact that your daughter allowed herself to be caught so easily. I would put money on the party not being her idea.

i don't have time to read the whole thread now, but have had some similar issues with my daughter and would like to tell you to check her instagram account. (This may be why he has an additional phone- I think its common for them to set up a fake facebook account pretending to be over over 18 and then join instagram and snapchat etc) snapchat is particularly difficult to know what they're doing on because the post only lasts 30 seconds and then disappears.
I found some sexually provocative photos of my dd and disgusting sexting conversations on my daughters phone recently on snapchat from various unknown guys. You don't even know for certain that they are teenage boys- they could be 50 year old men in reality!
I've gone ape! She's removed the photos and the contacts with all unknown guys and all screens stay in the lounge. She doesn't have any 3g either to use at the moment and is aware that I'm currently thinking of passwording the wifi, which she needs for her studies too. We're having LOTS of conversations about self respect and self esteem, and why she feels the need to for adoration from all these random guys and about how reputations are acquired etc etc
The sad thing is, that using social media in this way seems the norm. It's so potentially exploitative and unsafe on so many levels, and it really worries me.

If anyone has Virginmedia can they please tell me how to change Wifi password? Cannot find it on the web settings page?

I agree with whatsername , you were meant to find out. Which suggests at some level she knows she out of her depth and doing things at heart she knows are a bad idea.

Are there any youth counselling or mentoring projects in your area?

Much closer supervision, from both you and ex-H - as exhausting as it is. Check up on where she says she is. Involve any other adults who care about DD and she might listen to of confide in - is she close to her grandfather? Other members of the family or family friends? Any parents of her friends (because their DDs might well be putting themselves at risk as well)?

It is exhausting as a single parent, hang on in there...

Another one coming on to say change the wifi.

Once you've found out how to do it keep doing it - change password and only give her it for as long as you're happy with then change again. You can get apps that put curfews on wifi I think

Think I will cancel tomorrow's trip and speak to her best friend's mum about what is going on.

Told ExH am worried about dd's safety and we need to have a cold hard look at things and consider her safety. Lock everything down and explore how dd1 feels and about everything. Clean slate required. ExH needs to step up re dd2. Somehow. Never could before but now safety of dd1 at stake.

When you say problems with anxiety that make evenings difficult with dd2 - how is that manifesting? What do evenings with dd2 look like for you?

I think you are doing the right thing op. Hope your conversation goes as well as it can x

If youre on virginmedia, I'd phone 150. They will talk you through it.

I really feel for you. It's so hard to get things right and not panic. It's doubly difficult when you're on your own I think. I find it hard not being able to talk through the minutiae of my son's life, my friends are great but there is a limit!

I'm not an expert by any means but am a single parent of a teenage boy so I sympathise greatly.

When you say she chooses all her clothes, is that completely unsupervised? At that age my dd and her friends had input into what clothes they were bought but weren't choosing themselves.

Do you talk to her about clothing choice? About Internet security? About how snapchat pics are easily hacked and DON'T disappear? How dodgy pics can end up being seen by ANYONE that once they're on the internet they're there forever? About not communicating with anyone she isn't CERTAIN of their true identity?

Again at that age I regularly and spontaneously checked dds phone for unsuitable messages/pics/activity.condition of her having a phone that I'M paying for.

Do you talk to her about thinking about how others see her? Self respect? Peer pressure?

I'm struggling to see what boundaries are in place in these areas for her.

"She's 14 years old. Your exH shouldn't have just taken her word for her staying at her friend's. "

If she was going to a place that she could get herself to, why would he take her there?

Do you really think that at that age he should be checking with the other parents?"

Hell, yes! She is just a child. What's up with you thinking it's acceptable to wave your child off for the whole night not knowing where they are going? (This isn't to the OP, it's to diddl)

If your child went on a school trip and the teachers did the same thing you would go ape shit. And rightly so, it's a massive safeguarding thing. And if you're not checking where they are - properly- then you as a parent are failing to safeguard that child.

OP, your ex should have checked with you that the sleepover arrangement was ok. If he'd done that you could have asked to speak with the parent whose house it was to satisfy yourself that she was with reliable friends. Maybe have that discussion with your ex.

Whatsername17, great post !
I agree, somewhere along the line, your daughter is out of her depth, and needs your support. She wanted you to find out, she could have covered her tracks. She is extremely vulnerable to peer pressure.
I think she simply needs your direction, and firmer boundaries, and you can sort this.
Also, she's at a difficult age.

I work with vulnerable teenagers and there are some things in your OP that don't sit right at all.

Did you question her about the pills you found on the floor? What were they, who supplied them etc. Were there more and did your DD take any?

Why didn't she clean up and remove the evidence before you came home or do a better job of hiding the sexy underwear? You said yourself she can be devious when she wants to be but she really didn't cover her tracks here at all well, which may be because part of her feels uncomfortable/unsafe with what's going on and wanted you to know.

The story about it being her friends underwear doesn't ring true for me. So did someone buy it for her? Has someone asked to see her/photograph her in it? Have you gone through the photos on her phone/these old phones she's accessing?

You also say that you believe she managed to get online even when you'd taken her phone and all the old smartphones away - I would be concerned that she had a secret phone/device, potentially provided by someone who may be exploiting her (and potentially her friends who slept over) so would be searching her room.

I normally advocate giving teenagers a degree of trust and privacy but a secret overnight party, evidence of drug taking and sexualised behaviour, combined with secrecy relating to smartphone use in a 13 yo is more than enough to justify searching her room and monitoring her use social media very closely.

I would also speak to the pastoral team/ DSL at school about your concerns and see if they have noticed anything that could be part of a wider picture.

University dd2 has been on the bring of school refusal.

When she has homework she has a meltdown afterwords and periods of just coming in my room all the time 9:30-11pm anxious and worried and asking questions and saying stuff like 'we need to write to the government to tell them how damaging homework is' or being upset about a million different things to the feel of her trousers to the way a particular teacher spoke. It ain't pretty. Those of you on here with ASD kids will know what I mean. It is exhausting. Am in communication with her Paed about CAMHS but they are also pretty rubbish (that's no secret they pretty much only help kids who are suicidal) and it's mainly a school issue. Progress with school is glacial as ever but I keep going and banging on the door whilst also remaining cooperative. And roughly sane. And holding down a tough job.

I work with teenagers daily by the way. I'm sometimes flabbergasted at the things they get up to. But it comes as no surprise when they tell you that their mum or dad "lets me". Firm but fair boundaries and lots of mutual respect and discussion are what's needed with teens that want to behave beyond their years. And parents need to remember that they are still children and that 13/14 is a world away from 17.

Well done salty sounds some good first steps.

None of us are perfect parents, you've spotted there's a problem and are doing something about it.

I've had an out of control teen so PM if you'd like to chat.

Salty. That sounds awful. Xxx

But. How can you think DD1 is oblivious to that?

it's really tough situation. I think i'd come down hard on the liking and the dishonesty but you still want to keep lines of communication open.

In all honestly you may want to think about taking her to youth contraceptive clinic and let her have a private chat with the doctor or nurse.

Is she on a contract? If you change the wifi password, she will be watching YouTube or whatever on 4G.

Sorry I've not read the full thread and I'm sure you've been giv n lots of good advice.
My teens have a variety of devices, phones laptops, iPad etc and I can control each device on our Hub.
So they all get wifi turned off from say 10pm (depends on age of child)
Then back on again from 5pm. I can't control data, but they run out fairly quickly from using it out and about and can't go over.

Hi OP

My DD is 13 and is very much testing the boundaries. When I remember, which isn't always, I remind myself that they need the most love when its hardest to actually love them....

In practice for me, its me being disappointed rather than angry, giving her and I some space to decompress before talking. I have a 10y/o son and hes pushing all the buttons at the moment - harder still for me to remember my own rules with him!

Anyway, that's my experience. Above all, I want my children to be able to talk to and with me; I don't want them to fear me. Often if I ban the tablets/phones, Im in effect punishing myself. Don't know what the answer to that one is, withdrawal of privileges.... GAH!!!