To go ape about all this (re dd, almost 14)

[SaltySeaDog72]

dd1 turns 14 on Monday. Addicted to Smart phone. Very deceptive, smuggles devices into her room late at night sometimes despite rules and consequences. Socially very confident. Two inches taller than me. Blond and leggy. Academic self esteem not good ever (dyslexic) in lower groups, she is capable of being in higher groups but never puts in enough effort to demonstrate that.

Am a LP for last 4 years. ExH 1 mile away, contact in place EoW plus 1 evening in the week and all stable. Works well. Her 12yo sister is ASD and has problems with anxiety which makes evenings quite difficult. dd1 is oblivious to this, am just adding context.

Was really in need of getting away last month and finally managed to get away for 3 nights. Came back to find house trashed and clearly dd1 had stayed over unsupervised with friends, she told her dad she slept at a friend's house elsewhere. There was a huge bag of rubbish in the middle of the living room (full of Easter egg boxes, MacDonald's) several 2l bottles of Fanta and coke (open) left lying around, spillages, tablets (as in medication) of unknown source on floor, furniture moved around, pictures moved. Blah blah. dd1 said 'I did tidy up'. Was really shocked to come home to this. dd1 birthday sleepover cancelled. No sleepovers for the foreseeable. Decided not to go completely mental due to no boys or drugs/alcohol but had a conversation about it being very irresponsible and not appropriate.

After this dd1 that same week I caught dd1 with an old smart phone in her room at 23:30h. Phone removed for 24hrs as per normal. Very pissed off she did this just days after being punished for secret sleepover.

The following week am in the bathroom and shocked to find underneath a towel dd1 has tried to wash a sexy thong, pink undies with tassels. Revolting things. In a bit of a state. Tell her off and she said a friend leant them to her. Said 'do you think these are appropriate for a 13 yo girl? She says no. Told her never to have them in the house again.

We have had a few chats about how superficial she is with homework and she got upset about being in lower groups. I told her I feel I am having to parent her like a toddler by making sure old smart phones etc are hidden from her and I feel he behaviour is not mature and she should start spending some time on her work to balance things out if she wants to move up groups at school. She looks contrite but says 'yes' but now it's the end of term.

FFWD to yesterday I collect her from a party at her friend's and there are two boys there. Am waiting on the door step for dd1 to put shoes on. One of the boys mentions 'dd1 it's your birthday on Monday, what are you doing' and says, laughing 'can we sleep at your house again'

So in the car I said to her. He slept over that weekend didn't he. Cue dd1 getting all angry, first denying it then saying 'he only stayed til midnight' it's clear at least one boy and maybe others were at my house sleeping over with no adult present. She then sat in the. She then sat in car saying nothing so I removed phone and sent her to bed. Have since seen evident she has been online at 23:46 last night despite phone being removed. Dunno how she has done that. I have lost control of this kid.

Am livid at the disrespect and the not giving a shit and the bahaving like she is 16.

I have tried to not go ape with her but am now at the end of my rope. Meeting up with her dad today to discuss what to do.

She is going to football match with her grandad today and I was thinking of cancelling but it's with family so don't know. AIBU to remove her iPhone4 and replace it with a crap phone with no internet? AIBU to cancel birthday shopping trip?

I think your too involved,I've 3 adult dc,never had any of this ,they had all the freedom they needed and all worked hard towards exams and uni..anything they wanted to do I assumed they were ready for..none of them drink smoke or party,but it would of been their choice to do so if they wished.their life.natural consequences,if you don't work hard at school you fail exams...I've never been on their back,never needed to..im a huge believer In privacy,and wouldn't dream of being that heavily involved in their lives,one is a now on a manager training scheme,the other is off to uni to study physics,the other chemistry...

The op is not responsible for the cheek of the boy. Teenage boys can be mouthy and cheeky for effect and bravado.

But were you lying at THIRTEEN about spending the night unsupervised with boys? Were you possibly taking pills that weren't yours? Tried to hide the knickers ? Tried to wash the knickers secretly? I find that very worrying.

The secret knicker washing could have been a period accident

Or it could have been something worrying, it's hard to know.

I lied about a sleepover having boys there yeah. But guess what it wasn't a massive orgy, it was up til early hours, scoffing are faces and playing on consoles.

She was probably hiding the knickers because of her mums reaction too the underwear! And you normally do wash underwear why is that a surprise? If she's worn them they need washing.

Too the pills no. But one of them could of easily had a headache and taken some painkillers.

I don't see the issue with the knickers.

I was certainly lying at 14 about where I was and what I was doing and if there was a free house there would have been a party.

Op. Did your ex know you were away and your house was empty?

As far as the party - ffs they are 14. Free house non parents of course there is going to be a party and of course it'll be mixed.

(Parent of one boy two girls all of whom have been 14)

The internet phone stuff is the op being lax. She's a soft touch. Because she's exhausted and focused on the younger child and the older one is definitely going to see that and know

I was yes grapista,parents divorced and I went in to free fall,suicide attempts,boys ,staying out all night,climbing out of windows,doing runners...couldn't cope with the family breakdown and I went of the rails big time...

I have skipped over the details about how I handled the sleepover. I asked dd1 what she thought I should do.

We discussed safety and 'what if' scenarios. We discussed the disrespect for the house and the disrespect to me.

The medication was her friend's. I discussed this with the other friend's mum. And I told dd1 it is dangerous and totally wrong to be mis handling meds.

Ok am re-thinking absolutely everything with dd1.

Will probably cancel tomorrow's trip and inform the other parents why.

Spend today discussing with dd1 and her dad, then tomorrow (her birthday, awful awful) going through bedroom with fine tooth comb.

She can have a brick phone now until at least the summer. No more going out. Speak to school about the dynamics and the academics.

School is awful. I have spent my entire parenting from 4 years up push, push, ever pushing for appropriate support for both dd's. It never eve comes despite reports and emails and meetings. Nothing ever happens.

It is utterly shit.

"Do you really think that at that age he should be checking with the other parents?" Yes! Plus the op had arranged with him for their dd to stay with him, op clearly didn't know about any supposed pre-arranged sleepover elsewhere and so hadn't said anything to the ex, at the very least he should've checked with op, who would then have said 'no I don't know anything about that' which SHOULD then have triggered one of them to check.

And for the record. I'm sure all of mine lies to me at 14 about where they were and what they were doing. Just as I lied to my parents and my kids children will in time lie to them. Teenagers lie.

I did not say she was responsible for the cheek of the boy.

I remarked on it because it is an indication that the DD is involved in a situation with this particular boy where manipulation, exploitation and abuse is going on.

The OP needs to wise up to the sense of entitlement some boys flaunt and why they do it. It is a power play and not to be dismissed as insignificant because they are 13 or 15 or whatever. When you see it, you need to beware of them and find out what your DD is doing with them. More to the point, find out what they are doing with and to your DD.

Just to reiterate. Op. You say evenings are difficult with dd2 and dd1 is oblivious.

No. She's not. She won't be. She knows.

Her dad was the parent in charge the night of the sleepover, not the op. He should have checked with the parents of the other child that this 'sleepover' was actually happening and that his own child was actually present.
The boy who brought up the sleepover was challenging you, he was letting you know that he knew of something that you didn't, he was laughing in your face...knowing that you were unaware that there was more to this party than you'd been told.
She is 13, knowing what you know now I'd ask her to take a pregnancy test.
She'll be furious and embarrassed but it really needs to be done.

My shit teenage years are why I parent as I do...the more you control and ,punish, the more you push them away ,and put up walls so they can't come to you for advice,that's how I ended up in hospital.stomch being pumped again and again.age 14.. hope you sort it out op.x

Try to find another school, OP. This one sounds extremely shitty.

Well I wasn't at that age and neither was my dd she wouldn't have had the opportunity at THIRTEEN she's not 14 till tomorrow which even then is still very young.

None of mine or dds friends were doing that either at that age.

And I'm not even that strict! Dd is now 16 and goes on unsupervised sleepovers, goes up to the city with friends, goes on nights out to a local community club place. But at 13 no chance!

There's a big difference between 'control and punish' and 'set boundaries and protect'

But if the op ex didn't know there was a free house he wouldn't have known to be extra vigilant.

I can't see if the op told her ex she was away?

Believe you me meth it is the best of a bad bunch. Primary was the same. Both Ofsted 'good' schools. This school has a big SEN dept but so many SEN kids go there you can barely get near the SENCo. Another school would be same shit different location. It's either this or ex grammar school which 'doesn't do' SEN

It is utterly exhausting dealing with both kids. I feel on the brink tbh but I keep going. Am pretty much on my own with it as exDH is a bit of a prat really. Hence the divorce. He doesn't really have any gumption. It doesn't help. But we are we we are with him.

Ex knew perfectly well I was away from home.

Well then he needs to punish her for the lying to him.

But. You need to pick your battles. Why were you binning the thong and bra? What type of underwear does she have? Is she allowed to pick her own?

I'd be letting her have some control in small areas - like choosing her underwear - because she's 24. Not 4. And you need to allow her to express herself and grow into her own person.

And the stuff that matters - the party and lying - I'd be on it like a ton of bricks.

14

Sorry. Fat fingers

I think whatsername post is excellent. I agree there are some red flags waving here (disclaimer: not a parent but training & experience supporting young people. And yeah, I was a 'difficult teenager' as well!).

We know you're coming at this from a place of love - but your daughter might not feel confident in that, I'd suggest you should be absolutely clear that you are on her side, you support her, and are there to help her navigate the difficulties and challenges of growing up, exploring her sexuality etc. Make time together and negotiate new ground rules of your relationship - things that you can expect of each other.

I'd suggest changing wifi password daily (no point denying yourself access!) and she can have it when homework etc is done, access stops at a specific time, 10pm or whatever (then you change password to the next day's one). If you pay for her phone then set her a data limit, anything over that she will need to fund herself. Part of being a grown up.

Absolutely you need to monitor her whereabouts and confirm with other parents re. sleepovers etc. I'd insist on installing an app like find my friends so you can both see where each other is at any time. This way she can earn back your trust. Ditto access on request at any time to review her messages, social media etc. Be very clear that this is due to your concern that she hasn't been truthful, and it is your duty as her parent to protect her. Again, allowing this she can earn back your trust.

You need to earn enough trust from her so she does tell you honesty how sexually actively she is, without fear of judgement or punishment. Not implications that things are inappropriate or she is wrong to be starting to explore her sexuality. Pure love and support, education on sexual health, healthy relationships etc, access to contraception etc.

All sounds horribly upsetting for you as well. You sound like a lovely mum, wish my mum would have had mumsnet to help her 'deal' with me better!

She chooses all her undies and all her clothes.

Why did you in the thong then? If she's allowed to choose that means you suck it up if it's lurid punk with tassels.

You aren't consistent