To go ape about all this (re dd, almost 14)

[SaltySeaDog72]

dd1 turns 14 on Monday. Addicted to Smart phone. Very deceptive, smuggles devices into her room late at night sometimes despite rules and consequences. Socially very confident. Two inches taller than me. Blond and leggy. Academic self esteem not good ever (dyslexic) in lower groups, she is capable of being in higher groups but never puts in enough effort to demonstrate that.

Am a LP for last 4 years. ExH 1 mile away, contact in place EoW plus 1 evening in the week and all stable. Works well. Her 12yo sister is ASD and has problems with anxiety which makes evenings quite difficult. dd1 is oblivious to this, am just adding context.

Was really in need of getting away last month and finally managed to get away for 3 nights. Came back to find house trashed and clearly dd1 had stayed over unsupervised with friends, she told her dad she slept at a friend's house elsewhere. There was a huge bag of rubbish in the middle of the living room (full of Easter egg boxes, MacDonald's) several 2l bottles of Fanta and coke (open) left lying around, spillages, tablets (as in medication) of unknown source on floor, furniture moved around, pictures moved. Blah blah. dd1 said 'I did tidy up'. Was really shocked to come home to this. dd1 birthday sleepover cancelled. No sleepovers for the foreseeable. Decided not to go completely mental due to no boys or drugs/alcohol but had a conversation about it being very irresponsible and not appropriate.

After this dd1 that same week I caught dd1 with an old smart phone in her room at 23:30h. Phone removed for 24hrs as per normal. Very pissed off she did this just days after being punished for secret sleepover.

The following week am in the bathroom and shocked to find underneath a towel dd1 has tried to wash a sexy thong, pink undies with tassels. Revolting things. In a bit of a state. Tell her off and she said a friend leant them to her. Said 'do you think these are appropriate for a 13 yo girl? She says no. Told her never to have them in the house again.

We have had a few chats about how superficial she is with homework and she got upset about being in lower groups. I told her I feel I am having to parent her like a toddler by making sure old smart phones etc are hidden from her and I feel he behaviour is not mature and she should start spending some time on her work to balance things out if she wants to move up groups at school. She looks contrite but says 'yes' but now it's the end of term.

FFWD to yesterday I collect her from a party at her friend's and there are two boys there. Am waiting on the door step for dd1 to put shoes on. One of the boys mentions 'dd1 it's your birthday on Monday, what are you doing' and says, laughing 'can we sleep at your house again'

So in the car I said to her. He slept over that weekend didn't he. Cue dd1 getting all angry, first denying it then saying 'he only stayed til midnight' it's clear at least one boy and maybe others were at my house sleeping over with no adult present. She then sat in the. She then sat in car saying nothing so I removed phone and sent her to bed. Have since seen evident she has been online at 23:46 last night despite phone being removed. Dunno how she has done that. I have lost control of this kid.

Am livid at the disrespect and the not giving a shit and the bahaving like she is 16.

I have tried to not go ape with her but am now at the end of my rope. Meeting up with her dad today to discuss what to do.

She is going to football match with her grandad today and I was thinking of cancelling but it's with family so don't know. AIBU to remove her iPhone4 and replace it with a crap phone with no internet? AIBU to cancel birthday shopping trip?

I was a bit like this at that age. Although I didn't sleep with boys and smartphones were not around.

Looking back I realise I just didn't know my behaviour was silly, disrespectful and dangerous. I wouldn't go in punishing but I would have a very good talk and frank discussion.

I also agree don't make her feel 'bad' or 'dirty' for wanting to be sexy etc - but she is only just 14 and you need to be realistic, why is she concerned about her underwear?

he underwear was found after As was the boys @ sleepover. I understood it to be 2 girlfriends. I looked at the amount of rubbish and took this to be true. Turns out not.

Sounds like you are defending something here? You don't need to. No judgement on you from me based on your DD acting out - who doesn't? But you need to deal with it firmly. When I was her age it was a case of doing what we could get away with. A lenient punishment just persuaded us it was 'worth it'.

Salty Mummy is clearly one of those that gets all involved in their own story, projects etc just because she had 'piss poor' parents does not mean you are.

No trifle you just lumped it all together when the punishment was before the discovery of undies and boys. That's all.

girls do lend knickers

what about the pills? how did she explain them?

and anyway girls that buy knickers themselves quite cheaply from primark

MrsRyan that's really uncalled for - Mummy hasn't said anything out of order, she's actually hit on the truth of the matter quite well. It's true isn't it - that the dad didn't find out where his daughter was going? I'm not saying that's OP's fault but it doesn't mean it's not an issue.

Might a pregnancy test be worth considering now you know boys were there too? Just in case...

Good luck. Teenagers are so hard to guide in the right direction. Just do your best, and don't beat yourself up x

I think a mixture of sanctions and love bombing.
She doesn't seem mature enough to understand the ramifications of her behaviour.
I had a very strict mother and all that happened was I had my 'social life' without her knowledge. I was reasonably mature but I blanched now at some of the stuff we did. No Internet etc I think in some ways made life more innocent.
I have a teenage daughter now who is academic. The biggest thing that has helped us is a big interest - she does acting all day Saturday and has another group of friends that takes tge pressure off school friends. I had music. My friends daughters are into horse riding. If you can afford it, find something that is a serious hobby that can also help her self esteem. (One is into serious go carting.....)

SaltySeaDog72I:

I still don't really get you. You know now, so surely you just deal with it now you know the truth as you would have done if you had known earlier?

find her better things to do with her free time than "being pretty" and practicing being someone's plaything

^^ this!!!!

Being the same age and there not being gifts does not mean there isn't exploitation. These boys have gone to your house (probably knowing they weren't supposed to be there), there's medication and then they deliberately mentioned this infront of you. She's getting the phones from where exactly? It sounds like she has self esteem issues, is sexualising herself has fallen in with the wrong crowd and is lying to you. Which is basically the foundation set for sexual exploitation. Watch Audrey and Daisy on Netflix.

Youve got too take control, stop being a friend and start being her mum. She's taking advantage of your kindness and understanding.

The lying is wrong and in this situation the lie was dangerous. How did she know the boys wouldn't turn up with more friends and it basically turn into a house party? How did she know nothing would be stolen?
And would she have confessed to boys being present if it wasn't for that lad making the comment?

The phone situation it's not unusual at that age they are obsessed with their phones, Jesus ive seen grown adults obsessed with their phones.

Go through Her room with a fine tooth comb and remove all devices and turn the wifi off at night. I would even take the lead to bed with me - just incase you missed a device and she sneaks down to switch it back on. This solution is easier than changing the password constantly.

Now the thong. I don't see anything wrong with a thong. At 13 I was wearing thongs, not because I thought they was sexy and I wanted attention but I actually found them comfortable. You can actually get thongs in plain colours that are just cotton, they don't all have to have lace, bows and frilly bits on them.
Have you asked her if that is the kind of underwear she would prefer too wear?

Big sympathy from me - teens are challenging! They all push the boundaries so don't beat yourself up. My dd had a party when I was away - was grounded for 6 weeks. I was very disappointed but to be fair I did it when I was her age (15). It's a bit of a rite of passage if you ask me!
I wouldn't take phone away for too long - that's her main means of communication with the world.
Re the knickers - I really don't think a big deal. It's the age where they are trying new things and working out what's what. Not inherently dangerous.
You'll get through this phase. Do keep spending time with her and reassuring her. She is going through a v turbulent time hormonally. It will settle down.

Thanks Potato. I explained in my last point MrsRyan that I was referring to my parents' parenting. Not ops. Perhaps you should read the comments more slowly before coming to very incorrect and uniformed conclusions.

I can't understand the disdain for people with similar life experiences anyway. I didn't realise it was projection to say "something like this has happened to me before...here's how I felt/what I did/what they did". I would have thought that was quite helpful...

Sit down with her and any gadgets she uses to access the Internet & make her show you what she does on them. Check which social media accounts she has & their content. My teenager knows that I have the right to look at what she's doing at anytime and we have a rule that if she would be embarrassed to show her grandparents, she shouldn't post the content online.

Does her school run courses for parents on teenagers & social media etc? Perhaps if you were more knowledgeable of the risks, you may be able to get your message across. I would remove any old phones & closely monitor how much money she has & where it is coming from. Is she on PAYG or a contract? A payg phone is easy to monitor use of.

Got nothing that isn't on here already.

But to you, you sound amazing. Loving, reasonable, responsible with a sense of proportion. The cornerstone of all great parents I see and admire. You will think, listen, reflect then decide the way. It will be the right way for you - have confidence.

Going forward in a general way, for the short term, remember she lies. For the long term remember she won't stay like this. Trust will come back. Best wishes.

The pants thing worries me , were the pants around when the boys were around ? I hope she hasn't been photographed wearing them . Do you ever get to see what is on her phone ? photos , messages etc ? I don't snoop on my daughters phone , but she know's that I can ask to see it at anytime , and have done in the past .

I work with teenagers and your op is ringing massive alarm bells for me. The secret party/sleepover; your dd clearly wanted to get caught. Ignore the secondary behaviour of her shouting and getting defensive when you challenged her. Think about it; it would have been so simple to get rid of the rubbish and tidy the house - you would have never known. But, she didn't. Why? The same goes for the underwear. If she really didn't want you to see it you wouldn't have. She wanted you to know and it isn't to piss you off. She needs someone to talk to, irregardless of what she says. I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that she is sexualy active and it might be something she is being coerced into. She is bound to be lashing out at you because she is conflicted; the persons who are coercing her will be making her feel 'grown up' which she likes but she also feels that something is wrong. She is probably very frightened that you will be angry and ashamed of her but at the same time wants some help. You say she is a lovely girl and that this behaviour is out of character. This is your gut speaking here; listen to it. Something isn't right and you know it. Despite the bad press that teenagers get I've never yet met a truly 'bad' kid. I've met lots of lovely, wonderful kids trapped in crap situations though. They act out but that isn't a reflection of them as a person. It isn't a reflection of your parenting either. You and your ex clearly put your kids first and that support system will get your dd through this. When you tackle this stay calm. Ignore her secondary behaviours - her shouting and screaming. If she calls you names or swears at you ignore it. The teenagers only weapon is their ability to distract you by saying something hurtful so your conversation becomes about that. You need to find out exactly what is going on. What happened whilst you were away and what the underwear is about. Don't tell her that 'a 13 year old shouldn't be having sex'. It reaffirms to her that you don't understand because you think she is 'just a kid'. Instead, talk about how grown up she is and the decisions she will need to make regarding contraception etc. Be compassionate and empathise - tell her you understand why she wants to keep her friends happy even if what she says about them makes you want to break their necks. This will encourage her to open up. If she has fallen into a situation where kids her own age are influencing her but she is frightened of what she is doing then you need to give her an out. If the kids are older then she needs even more help. The biggest alarm bell for me is that she continually defies the 'no internet' rule. She is frightened of not responding to whomever it is she is communicating with. Again, ask yourself why? Had it has become a bit of an addiction or is she frightened of losing their friendship? If i were you I'd go through her phone as you are likely to get a much more truthful impression of what is going on. Good luck.

Strip her room down to bare essentials. Bed, clothes and desk for homework.

No electronics at all. No sleepovers at all.

Any old smartphones put in your room with a lock on the door.

Tbh you didn't punish her for the initial crap.

Showme what exactly did I say that's 'uncalled for'?

The phone and devices you weren't nearly tough enough on.

The thong and underwear - do you allow her lacy nice underwear? She's 14. Not 4.

The party - what did you and her dad expect? He's a prat for letting her pull the wool out her his eyes.

I don't think a day out before Christmas is really enough one on one attention. It's April now

My dd is a similar age.
The tablets - what were they? I'd be worried about kids taking them tbh. You can overdose on Paracetamol. (I'm assuming that they may have got them out of your medicine cabinet.)
I hope that you got her to do all cleaning after the party. It's really not on to leave things trashed.
I would have a no-sleepover rule for a while (6-12 months?) Obviously her dad is the exception.

With regards to the underwear, I'd have a chat. Is it really a friends or did she buy it herself? Thongs are going to be inexpensive on the high street so easily affordable for a teen. Best case scenario- she was curious and wants to feel adult. Worst case scenario- she's taking sexy selfies in them. Personally I would have thrown out the knickers and told dd that if they really belonged to her friend then she could come and see me for a refund.

Change the wifi password. Delete all apps from the old phones so that you are left with the bare minimum like the calendar. Don't save the new wifi password on them. They become as useful as a brick if she can't go online.

I'd keep the appointment with grandad but make sure he knows that her behaviour is poor recently so no treats for her like fizzy drinks with the match.

The birthday shopping trip would definitely not be happening. If her behaviour improves then maybe at May half term but that's a treat that she doesn't deserve.

MrsRyan - you said that Mummy is clearly someone who had crap parents and therefore is projecting on to the OP. Which is uncalled for because she isn't projecting at all. She brought up some very legitimate points and I don't like the way you disregarded them out of hand.