To go ape about all this (re dd, almost 14)

[SaltySeaDog72]

dd1 turns 14 on Monday. Addicted to Smart phone. Very deceptive, smuggles devices into her room late at night sometimes despite rules and consequences. Socially very confident. Two inches taller than me. Blond and leggy. Academic self esteem not good ever (dyslexic) in lower groups, she is capable of being in higher groups but never puts in enough effort to demonstrate that.

Am a LP for last 4 years. ExH 1 mile away, contact in place EoW plus 1 evening in the week and all stable. Works well. Her 12yo sister is ASD and has problems with anxiety which makes evenings quite difficult. dd1 is oblivious to this, am just adding context.

Was really in need of getting away last month and finally managed to get away for 3 nights. Came back to find house trashed and clearly dd1 had stayed over unsupervised with friends, she told her dad she slept at a friend's house elsewhere. There was a huge bag of rubbish in the middle of the living room (full of Easter egg boxes, MacDonald's) several 2l bottles of Fanta and coke (open) left lying around, spillages, tablets (as in medication) of unknown source on floor, furniture moved around, pictures moved. Blah blah. dd1 said 'I did tidy up'. Was really shocked to come home to this. dd1 birthday sleepover cancelled. No sleepovers for the foreseeable. Decided not to go completely mental due to no boys or drugs/alcohol but had a conversation about it being very irresponsible and not appropriate.

After this dd1 that same week I caught dd1 with an old smart phone in her room at 23:30h. Phone removed for 24hrs as per normal. Very pissed off she did this just days after being punished for secret sleepover.

The following week am in the bathroom and shocked to find underneath a towel dd1 has tried to wash a sexy thong, pink undies with tassels. Revolting things. In a bit of a state. Tell her off and she said a friend leant them to her. Said 'do you think these are appropriate for a 13 yo girl? She says no. Told her never to have them in the house again.

We have had a few chats about how superficial she is with homework and she got upset about being in lower groups. I told her I feel I am having to parent her like a toddler by making sure old smart phones etc are hidden from her and I feel he behaviour is not mature and she should start spending some time on her work to balance things out if she wants to move up groups at school. She looks contrite but says 'yes' but now it's the end of term.

FFWD to yesterday I collect her from a party at her friend's and there are two boys there. Am waiting on the door step for dd1 to put shoes on. One of the boys mentions 'dd1 it's your birthday on Monday, what are you doing' and says, laughing 'can we sleep at your house again'

So in the car I said to her. He slept over that weekend didn't he. Cue dd1 getting all angry, first denying it then saying 'he only stayed til midnight' it's clear at least one boy and maybe others were at my house sleeping over with no adult present. She then sat in the. She then sat in car saying nothing so I removed phone and sent her to bed. Have since seen evident she has been online at 23:46 last night despite phone being removed. Dunno how she has done that. I have lost control of this kid.

Am livid at the disrespect and the not giving a shit and the bahaving like she is 16.

I have tried to not go ape with her but am now at the end of my rope. Meeting up with her dad today to discuss what to do.

She is going to football match with her grandad today and I was thinking of cancelling but it's with family so don't know. AIBU to remove her iPhone4 and replace it with a crap phone with no internet? AIBU to cancel birthday shopping trip?

I was the same as a teen. My sister was the focus of my mum and dad's worries so I was left to slip through the cracks and turned to my peers for the attention I craved. Smoking, drinking, drugs, sex with boys all from the age of 13. Also trouble with the police. My mum also likes to bring up my wild teen tears and how I was the only one of her children that brought trouble to her door. We are not close as adults

OP, does she have any older girl cousins who are pretty and sexually active. Right now the best way to get some positive messages across to her is through the voice of a girl like this. Look for an 18 year old or 20 year old biddy for her.

user1480954406 Sun 02-Apr-17 07:24:42
Not to alarm you but is there any chance she's being exploited by these boys/groomed by somebody with the means to give her more phones. It seems she's constantly needing to make herself contactable by her friends/ the school boys or somebody else.

The underwear thing as well is a bit of an alarm bell for me, 13 is young to be wearing sexy underwear, she may be objectifying herself due to (as pps have said) low self esteem.

THIS^
And also SHowMePotatoSalad's post.

Your DD sounds as if she might be quite vulnerable to exploitation.

What were the tablets? Where did they come from? This is very important.

Now that you know your DD lies and sneaks behind both you and your exH's backs to get what she wants, you are both going to have to make her earn your trust back.
You are also going to have to verify every single thing she tells you about where she is going. You both need phone numbers of all her friends' parents.
Does she have SM accounts? You need to check them.

You need to discuss contraception with your DD. Hopefully it is not too late. Sorry.

You need to talk to her school about the dynamic in the class, about the tablets, about the boy/girl dynamics in her group, and about the measures they are taking to support her academically and socially. You need to be frank with them about the party and the tablets.

Dyslexia is very hard to overcome. It makes every subject more difficult to tackle, and when a child is blond and leggy and able to get positive attention elsewhere, it can be hard to see the point of trying. You may have no point in nagging her about effort unless you are following some strategy offered to you by her school. If school does not support her better then you have to pressure them to.

What opportunities does she have to participate in extra curricular activities? Service projects, music, art, theatre, sport, dance, etc?

You need to reset this relationship. The way you conduct it now is setting the stage for increasing conflict as the teen years wind on.
You can't pounce on underwear and other items the way you reacted to the pink tassled thong. You need to start figuring out ways of extracting information from DD, not shutting down communication.

Did DD misunderstand the focus of your lecture to her when you came home and found the house trashed? I ask because you mention she said, 'I did tidy up,' in response, which to me indicates that you were more bothered about the state of the house than the deception and the possibility of teenagers abusing prescription drugs and having sex in your absence.

You need to seek out the parents of other teens and acquire an ear to the ground.
............
A few books might give you pointers on the relationship:
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, by Adele Faber, gets recommended a lot here.

Dial Down the Drama: Reducing Conflict and Reconnecting with Your Teenage Daughter--A Guide for Mothers Everywhere, by Colleen O'Grady - got good reviews.

Parenting Your Teen: A Relationship Training Manual, by David Unger - was very well received too.

Whatshername17 is onto something there when i asked my dd what she would do in my situation and she said take her phone away. She actually seemed relieved when i did. It was like a get out of conversations she didnt want to have and instead of her friends thinking she was being weird she could say that evil mum wont let her have the phone. Since then we have been taking so much more and she is happier for it. Not to say she doesnt act up but she isnt so angry and upset.

I have to say though i am shocked at the numver of parents who dont check up on sleep overs my dd is only 12 and the number of times her friends have came to stay but the parents dont contact me to check arangements is astounding.

I wouldn't have allowed her to that party. I also wouldn't have given her any type of phone or tablet after 24 hours. Perhaps she needs stronger boundaries because she's pushing your current ones pretty well.

Why was she ever left unsupervised for the night though?

I have a DD14 and a DD17, I would not leave my 14 yo alone overnight.

As far as the addiction to smartphones, that's typical teenage stuff. They will smuggle in devices and simply can't stay off snapchat, instagram and other similar apps.

I used to take their phones off them at 11pm, because I discovered my DD was on it so late or early.. Till 2pm at times.

The school also complained that children are on devices till very late... They see this when disputes arise following fall outs from friends on social media.

It sounds like she may be sexually active and you might want to address that as well.

Confiscation of her smartphone for a week is a good consequence for her behaviour and make it clear she's broken your trust and she needs to work hard to build it up again.

I have teens and they can be nightmares. Over the years I've learnt to pick my battles and tbh the party thing (which I had with my DD but she was 16) would have resulted in a harsh punishment, as it has shown total disrespect for your home and property. I think teens do take on board your advice, even though at the time of the 'talks' they may appear defensive and disinterested. I would take advantage of having your ex with you today, and both of you can ask her if she has any worries or things she wants to discuss with you which might explain her behaviour. Ask her why she is behaving the way she is. There is hope - my eldest DD was the teen from hell, but at 24 is now a manager at a children's nursery, attends uni part time and is very sensible and a joy to be around. Most of them come out the other side okay, but just need guidance from their parents, but a bit of slack cut for the things lower down the scale.

I remembered your other thread though I didn't post on it. It was only a couple of weeks ago. WHY are you letting her go to parties and have her phone already?

You're too soft. (And don't get me started on her dad!).

I'm also a Lp with a teen dd, at this age if this had happened this is what I'd have done:

Grounded - month at least! Grounded means no phone, no going out except school or with me (and in your case your parents, her dad but not for rewarding things like football matches or shopping trips to benefit her).

While she's grounded get her talking - about everything. Start with inconsequential things, but seek out relevant tv shows, news articles etc to stimulate conversation on the issues.

She needs to hand you her phone now unlocked. I'm also thinking it's highly likely she's been taking/sending pics of herself in undies/worse. That needs checked. Are you CERTAIN she's not sexually active? You can't make her take a pregnancy/sti test but you can suggest it and say you'll support her in that direction.

Have you still got the pills that were left laying around? Just because they were 'medication' doesn't mean they weren't being taken recreationally. Many prescribed and otc drugs are. There's a current fad for raiding parents meds for stuff you can get high on.

My dd was telling me she was telling a friend off for doing just that last weekend. Very stupid of the friend as she has asthma and some drugs can trigger that.

Enough pussy footing around. As a pp said, you're not her 'mate' you're her parent.

Echoing coverup890, sometimes children WANT an excuse to not have to keep up with their friends on social media. If you take it off her, then you are giving her an out with her friends. You can be the wicked mother who took the phone away, but who cares, it's the best thing for her.

It's your responsibility to put in place age appropriate rules. I personally think 13 is too young for a smart phone.

My eldest DD pushed every bloody boundary imaginable at 14. Coming down on her like a ton of bricks made it a million times worse, much to DHs disgust. What did work was sitting talking to her, explaining why she couldn't behave in a certain way.
We went shopping for underwear together - she's growing, exploring her body and it's easy to overlook that sometimes. That way, you get to know her taste and she gets to know what's acceptable for a child her age. DD used to go into town occasionally and would get a load of Primark thongs etc but they all went in the bin and eventually she got that I wasn't having it.
I think you need to look at the phone issue a bit more - turning off wifi doesn't help if she's got a data allowance. I'd be looking at a mobile signal jammer tbh. She needs time away from the pressure of peers.
You say she's a good kid - and she is. She's just pushing her luck and seeing how far it will take her. It was the most horrendous time, and our DDs appalling behaviour kicking in when she was getting bullied at school. Before diving in with punishments, you need to be sure there is nothing triggering this behaviour. She will come out the other side, my DD is now a wonderful young woman and we have an amazing deep bond. Just hang on in there, it's a bumpy ride at times xx

Turning off the wifi doesn't prevent access to the internet in a house with a decent mobile signal, just pushes up data consumption.

I think pp who are saying she could be being groomed or be sexually active are jumping too a massive conclusion. Over what? A pair of underwear. The phone thing is normal for a teen! Hell I'd tear the house apart for my phone and I'm in my 20s.

The underwear could be because her friends wear them and commented how she doesn't, could be comfort - could be many reasons.

Doesn't always have to be sex or she's being groomed.

I meant to say if you still have the tablets a pharmacist can tell you what they are, I certainly wouldn't be trusting your dd on that one.

Whatsername17 - YYY.

I would like to add that the boy who 'joked' right in front of you about sleeping at your house again meant this as a challenge to you, a claim to your turf. I would be willing to bet that this boy is likely to manipulate, exploit and abuse your DD.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16:

Very possibly not, but the lying is worrying in terms of whether she might be sexually active. She is seeking out unsupervised time, overnight, with boys, then lying about it. At 13 that would be enough for me to assume they're not watching Peppa Pig!

I was like this as a teen. Nothing my parents tried stopped me, I just had to grow out of it so I suggest tackle things practically to keep her safe. I think you should take her phone away until she can be trusted to have one. Lock up all old devices, and turn off the Internet at night. Explain to her exactly why you are doing it, and set a plan for what you will do if there are further transgressions and let her know in advance what those consequences will be.

hope you can read between the lines here op. some of these responses are plain OTT.
that is mn for you.

Kungfu as you're in your 20's you won't have teens of your own yet. Have you much experience outside being one?

I didn't base my comments 'just on the knickers' I based them on a LOT of experience with teens PLUS the knickers PLUS the deception PLUS the boys being at the sleepover PLUS one of the lads feeling comfortable enough to be so cocky PLUS the late night messaging.

It's an overall picture.

Agree with Whatsername - your daughter clearly wants to be caught, wanted you to know about the party. Tablets strewn on the floor sounds almost theatrical in its obviousness.

Seems like she's screaming for help tbh.

Plus what Math said about the boy rings true too.

It sounds to me like she's trying to be obviously naughty in order to push the issue.

Also you say the underwear was in a state? She'd tried to wash it? How do you mean a state? Blood or other marks?

graph
Nope not got a teen but I was one not that long ago.
Further up I said how I wore thongs at 13. I lied I loved my phone. So off that you would presume I was sexually active or being groomed?

Me too, KungFuPanda - I am the LP of five DCs, youngest 15, oldest 26. All those PLUSes Graphista saw - they add up.

Why isn't she allowed a thong at nearly 14? That I wouldn't have an issue with. 14 is old enough to choose her own underwear and to be honest my DD was wearing thongs and lacy bras at that age.

The rest of it is pretty normal boundary pushing with a lax parents who aren't tough disciplinarians.

I think you know this now, but 13 is far too young to be left unsupervised overnight, never mind for multiple nights.

In your shoes I would be removing devices for a very long time, giving her a simple basic phone for contact. After that I would be installing one of those kids safety apps and also changing the wifi password daily (yes, daily) so she had to come to you to get internet access. I would be doing this not (or not primarily) as a sanction, but as the natural consequence of her having shown herself too immature to be trusted and drifting into behaviour that could potentially be extremely damaging or dangerous.

I'd be looking at her friends, making sure I knew them and trying to steer her away from unsuitable people, be it by extra-curricular activities, talking about true friends and wise choices, etc. If we hadn't had it already, there would be the chat about contraception, the age of consent and the potential consequences for any boy she slept with, as well as (in light of the underwear incident) the pornification of sexuality.

I'd be talking to school, with her full knowledge and preferably involvement, about her underachievement, and if school aren't responsive or don't seem to want to support her with her dyslexia, I'd be considering moving her to one that will.

You need to take control here, and to be seen by her to be taking control. Don't scream and shout and say you're disappointed, just react calmly and respond to the aituation in hand - which is that she has got herself into a pickle with devices/friends/perhaps sexuality and needs you to take things in hand and get her out of it. She's very, very young still.

"She's 14 years old. Your exH shouldn't have just taken her word for her staying at her friend's. "

If she was going to a place that she could get herself to, why would he take her there?

Do you really think that at that age he should be checking with the other parents?

I'd be most worried about the tablets-wtf was that all about?

And now she is out partying with your blessing-no wonder that she takes the piss-there are no consequences for her-no wonder she didn't care if you found out about the sleepover.

It's not just thongs and phone, though the determination to stay on the phone in defiance of the OP is very worrying. It's the pills, the cheek of the boy, the 'cry for help' aspect, the amazingly half assed effort to tidy up, the fact that the girl is not making an effort in school.