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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I apologize? (warning trans thread!)

283 replies

startrek90 · 01/04/2017 11:06

I have come to AIBU because people don't hold back.

The other day I posted on fb asking if anyone could recommend where I could get a toy kitchen cheap for my little boy. A friend and I were talking in the comments and I mentioned that my ds loves playing in the house at kindergarten and he apparently spends lots of time there. His teachers joked that they knew when I was weaning his brother because he was 'weaning' the baby doll at nursery. My friend and I were doing a general aww thing and then another acquaintance who was female but is now 'trans masculine gender queer' (I still have no idea what that is exactly, I assumed transgender) commented that my 2 year old was obviously identifying as a girl and sent me a link to mermaids?

I disagreed and just said he is a two year old and playing out what he sees. Since then I have benn inundated with stuff talking about trans children and their high risk of suicide.

We are talking everyday there was something else sent to me, I was tagged in etc..

I'll be honest I got pissed off with this as I don't believe in gender anyway so sent a pm very politely saying to stop it. My son is not trans he is 2.

Then there was a very public fb status about ignorant parents and how their kids will grow up to hate them. I know I should have ignored it but I commented again laying out my opinion about gender. I got accused of being a terf, that I was transphobic and my 'daughter' would grow up and either kill himself because of me or cut me out.

I admit I lost it and told this person to do one and fuck off. I blocked them (should have done it straight away) but now I have a mutual friend (who is also transgender but not so political with it) who contaced me in private saying how upset and worried our mutual acquaintance is and that I should unblock them, apologize for telling them to fuck off and make things up.

I don't think I should but was I out of order?

OP posts:
lazytuesday · 03/04/2017 14:47

YANBU my 2yo son loves his toy kitchen and his baby doll... he also loves trucks and trains. Being a woman is about more than liking dolls ffs!!!! Being a man is about more than liking trucks. Let your child play with whatever he wants it certainly wont effect weather he identifies as a man or a woman when he grows up. Id block this person and send them a message saying that the 50s called and it wants its sexist ideas of gender back!!

RedRiver · 03/04/2017 14:49

Enlighten us, bold dame, what are those gay and lesbian behaviours you don't accept?

Nothing to add to the OP that hasn't already be said. I can't believe how many people have been sucked into the trans nonsense. There is no such thing as boy behaviour or girl behaviour, it's not that complicated.

HorridHenryrule · 03/04/2017 14:51

I hope your kids don't come home gay or lesbian dame.

MaximilianNero · 03/04/2017 14:52

It's a good thing no gay people would ever want to have sexual intercourse in front of your children then isn't it?!

trulybadlydeeply · 03/04/2017 14:52

dame I asked this question a few posts ago, but I will ask it again, as I am interested to hear your answer. Have you considered that there is the possibility that one or more of your DC might in time need/want to tell you that they are gay, and it might be very difficult for them if they are aware of your views about gay people? Would you tell them then that "gay doesn't exist"?

VestalVirgin · 03/04/2017 14:56

Enlighten us, bold dame, what are those gay and lesbian behaviours you don't accept?

I would like to know, too.

Since no one should have sex in front of children, (or adults who don't want to see) what are those gay or lesbian behaviours that aren't tolerated in the children's presence?

Being in a relationship with someone of the same sex? Do they have to break up before seeing your children, and are only allowed to get back together again after returning home?

Or is it being married to a person of the same sex? Does it suffice if they take off their rings in the presence of your children, or do they have to get a divorce before seeing your children?

I am confused. Confused

damewithaname · 03/04/2017 15:00

That's a good question. I would always love them. I'm not sure what I would do.

damewithaname · 03/04/2017 15:02

No vestalvirgin...they would simply not act our their same sex behavior in my home. My home, my rules.

Soubriquet · 03/04/2017 15:09

So you are homophobic then?

VestalVirgin · 03/04/2017 15:11

No vestalvirgin...they would simply not act our their same sex behavior in my home. My home, my rules.

What do you mean by "same sex behaviour"? Please, do name an example.

damewithaname · 03/04/2017 15:13

A homophobic, not entirely. Just don't do it in my home, around my children and comment on whether my child playing with a toy is transgender or not. Is that OK with you?

damewithaname · 03/04/2017 15:15

Oh dear vestalvirgin...as in if my brother visits, no touching his bf ass, sucking his face or the likes. Remember, it's my home.

HamletsSister · 03/04/2017 15:16

Gosh, my heterosexual behaviour must have been so outrageous that my poor son caught the gay. And he is (his words) 100% gay and yet very comfortable with being male - has no interest in stereotypically female pursuits.

And he can "do it in my home" just as my straight daughter can - when they are old enough and have a relationship that makes them happy.

VestalVirgin · 03/04/2017 15:19

Oh dear vestalvirgin...as in if my brother visits, no touching his bf ass, sucking his face or the likes. Remember, it's my home.

So your husband touches your ass and sucks your face while the children are present?

Shock

Well, this heterosexual behaviour would not be allowed in my house, or in front of my hypothetical children, that's for sure!

FlyAwayPeter · 03/04/2017 15:22

I wear trousers and if I wanted to I could play rugby. I wouldnt be trans if I did.

This is the central point, isn't it? The pioneer women of the 19th century who took up bloomers for cycling or the landgirls of WW1 who wore dungarees - none of them was transgender, generally speaking.

Are all the men in the middle East & the Indian sub-continent who wear long dresses actually transwomen?

This is how ridiculous the current "transfad" is. It is completely stuck in the present, ignorant of history or non-Western culture.

I think it must be awful to feel one's genitals & sexed biological existence is not right - as awful as for anorexics who think they are gross when they are thinner than can sustain life. I can't imagine the disturbing level of dysphoruia in either case - or that condition of people who feel that they shouldn't have a particular limb, and plead for amputation.

I've worked with a couple of transwomen - I wouldn't presume to ask personal questions about their feelings or bodies - completely impertinent to ask. But they just got on with life, trying to find an accommodation of their psychology.

But the current "transfad" is something else again. And if the OP's story is true, then it's harmful.

NotYoda · 03/04/2017 15:22

I wouldn't waste your fingers on this one

SiestaFiesta · 03/04/2017 15:24

How is that same sex behaviour? It's simply inappropriate behaviour around children, regardless of sexuality.

ATailofTwoKitties · 03/04/2017 15:27

Early twentieth century: 'You can't do that if you're a girl/boy.'
Late twentieth century: 'You can do that whether you're a girl or a boy.'
Twenty-first century: 'If you do that, you can't be a girl/boy.'

Not really progress, is it?

ATailofTwoKitties · 03/04/2017 15:28

Oops. Somehow I missed the homophobic ranting mid-thread.

Nellooo · 03/04/2017 15:34

I don't get it?! You are, in fact, indulging your son's need to play with "girl toys" in buying him a kitchen. It's not like you denied him the toy because he's a boy, so why on earth will he grow up to resent you?

So now, what's the point of the attack? I'll tell you what it is - this trans person decided to use you as a means to beat THEIR OWN DRUM. It's not about you, it's about them taking the opportunity to use your FB post as a platform. Ignore and block.

DeeOK · 03/04/2017 15:55

I saw this on Twitter and joined Mumsnet just to answer this post! DEFINITELY do not apologise! How DARE THEY?! I really hope your other FB friends are being supportive and telling them they have no right to intrude their ridiculous beliefs on your parenting. Stay strong and keep being a great mum

MamaHanji · 03/04/2017 15:56

Wtf. I fully support transgender people and there are transgender children...but he is 2. He was copying you. If he copied you removing the fat off of meat, would he have an eating disorder? There are always going to be extremists. You do not need to apologise.

Although whenever I disagree with someone I usually start with 'I'm sorry but...'

Ever so British of me.

VestalVirgin · 03/04/2017 15:57

It's not like you denied him the toy because he's a boy, so why on earth will he grow up to resent you?

Because, as OP won't put him on puberty blockers, he will enter puberty, and teens who are going through puberty are well known to occasionally say that they hate their parents. Wink

Only possible way this could make sense, really.

I'll tell you what it is - this trans person decided to use you as a means to beat THEIR OWN DRUM.

Yes, exactly.

Jux · 03/04/2017 15:58

Dame, so would you allow heterosexual couples to 'act out' their different sex behaviour in your home?

What do you mean by 'same sex behaviour'? IME gay people's behaviour is pretty much the same as straight people's behaviour.

podrig · 03/04/2017 16:04

YANBU

I would never waste my breath on such a ridiculous person ever again

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