Facebook post: (disclaimer - I am neither a mother nor a PTA member!). "Eleventy billion" --> written by one of us MN lot!
Here goes...
So, shall we talk about the dreaded ‘PTA Mummies’? God, they’re annoying bitches, aren’t they, with their endless raffle tickets, and coffee mornings, and Race Nights, and Wine and Cheese Nights.
Actually, the ‘Let’s Kick The PTA Mummies’ thing gets right on this Mummy’s tits. They’re easy targets, aren’t they, the PTA Mummies? Bossy, smug, AND they think they’re important just because they are allowed in the staffroom sometimes. Mummy used to think the same about them, until she foolishly (drunkenly) agreed to join the PTA, and then somehow ended up spending two years as the PTA Chair, until her soul was crushed and all faith in humanity sucked out of her. So this is what it’s really like being a PTA Mummy versus the myths about the Tyrant Queen Of The Raffle Tickets:
Yes, the PTA mummies are quite pally with some of the teachers. After Mrs Harrison and the PTA Mummies have had to minister to little Olly Johnson at the school fete because his mummy thinks PTA events basically only exist to provide her with cheap childcare at the weekends, so she dropped him off clutching a fiver and she swanned off to the gym, finally returning half an hour after the fete finished, by which time Olly had spent the lot on the tuckshop and was puking the rainbow, a certain solidarity is born. And yes, the PTA Mummies are a tiny bit smug about being allowed into the staffroom sometimes, which let’s face it, was like a portal to another world when you were at school, so it is quite exciting to be allowed in and it is literally the ONLY perk of being on the PTA, even if it turns out to be a bit shit really and very beige, with uncomfortable chairs and unflattering lighting and a lingering scent of bad coffee and broken dreams.
The PTA Mummies send eleventy billion passive aggressive emails. Yes. Yes, they do. They send eleventy billion emails because they are desperately trying to persuade someone, anyone, to volunteer at the event they are organising to raise funds for the school- funds to pay for school trips, and computers, and equipment, and books, and all the other things the school needs, but can’t afford with their limited budget. School trips, computers, equipment and books that everybody’s children benefit from, not just the PTA Mummies’ children. And the emails ARE quite passive aggressive, it’s true, because it is frowned upon to send emails saying “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL SOME OF YOU LAZY FUCKERS STEP UP AND OFFER TO HELP” because they’re good, the PTA Mummies, they have yards of bunting and staple guns and they’re not afraid to use them, and they’re absolute whizzes at transforming a municipal hall into Santa’s Grotto or a cocktail bar using only fairy lights and sellotape, but they cannot run an event for 100 people with only three volunteers, and believe you me, they have heard ALL the excuses about why other parents can’t possibly help, including this Mummy’s personal favourite of “I can’t be expected to spare the time to help with that, I have TWO CHILDREN, you know!” If every parent in every school volunteered to help at one event a year, which probably would actually involve no more than two or three hours of their time A YEAR, then the PTA Mummies would probably send a lot fewer emails, and the emails they did send would be much happier.
Oh, and they’re a bit bloody perfect too, aren’t they, the PTA Mummies? Rocking up at the school barbecue with their vats of homemade houmous, or boxes and boxes of cakes at the coffee mornings? Really, who are they trying to show off to? Or, maybe it’s because all the vegetarians moaned at last year’s barbecue about being fobbed off with boring veggie burgers again, and so the PTA Mummies tried to come up with a more interesting alternative, but houmous is expensive and every event is run on a shoestring, and so they found a cheap recipe to make your own houmous, but they did it last night when they were pissed and now their whole kitchen is sprayed with houmous and they are hungover to fuck and will be chipping houmous off the ceiling for months because actually, they’re only human, and as they smile brightly at you, all they can think of is a medicinal pork pie.
And remember why they’re trying to flog the raffle tickets and pushing the coffee mornings and asking for tombola prizes- it’s for your kids. Remember as well that most people these days work at least part time, if not full time, and these dreadful PTA Mummies are trying to fit the fundraising for the school in around their real jobs and families. Their own children wander abandoned round the PTA events- their mums never see them win the Hook-A-Duck or the Beat the Goalie, because their mums are in the kitchen washing up 200 tea cups, and lying to the treasurer that absolutely they have done a risk assessment, and answering everybody’s questions about what needs done next and what goes where and who’s doing what, and thinking that if they ever, EVER see another fucking raffle ticket again in their life, they will go stark staring mad!
So, PTA Mummies- you are absolute fucking superstars. You help keep the schools running and provide a better education for everyone’s kids. So buy their raffle tickets, and give them a nod of recognition for all they do, along with all the other people who volunteer in schools in other ways. You are all awesome, and fuck anyone who says otherwise. You. Are. Legends. Xxxx