I need to write "cock piss surname" on someone's car. Where can I buy washable car paint today?

[DanDanDanDanDan]

Need it for tomorrow

Tia

I'd like a shower first and ideally, after.

This thread has made me cry. Love you lot so much.

Have a guess at which one I'm going to make love with now, come on Sonja, lets go and be appalling.

"I've got a scam going with a big plate..... Do you want to be my co-eater?"

What with it being a Bank Holiday and all, it's reminded me of AP episode "Never Say Alan Again".

Yes, that’s in the schedule. Visit to your mother’s grave, then “Doctor No”. The underground base of an evil genius… and then “Doctor No”!

Yeah, she’s probably up there in heaven right now complaining about, what did she used to call them, “brown people”?. I’ll give her this, Lynn. She stuck to her guns with all that, right to the end. Even on the last day. The way she looked at that nurse. God rest her racist soul. She’ll be horrified. I mean, Jesus was from the Middle East.

Scope? Why do they change the name and ruin it? Consignia and Scope. It’s the Post Office and the Spastic Society. Oh… butter my arse! I’ve just realised. We haven’t got “The Spy Who Loved Me”. I’ve just remembered, I lent it to that bloke who I used to chat to at the petrol station.

In fact I’ll give you a raise. Eight and a half thousand? Ni… Nine? Nine and a half. Te… Te… Tell you what. Tell you what. It’s nine and half thousand pounds. Let’s all sing it. Tell you what, tell you what. It’s nine and a half thousand pounds.

Yes, I know. I’ve just been destroying my cereals. Got a problem with that?

Just don't use any form of makeup--if it's got UV protection factors in it, it can damage the paintwork...

Is anyone watching all the Bond films back to back with their friend Michael this bank holiday?

I might watch a few when I've finished destroying my cereals.

Come on, we've all seen the big-eared boys on farms.

Brilliant April Fool, OP, and the penalty notice was an inspired touch.

When I realised this was still going, I must admit I got very excited!

Now listeners, I have someone on the line who fears he may be a gay. He’s married, so he wishes to remain anonymous. I shall only be using his Christian name. I’m talking to Domingo in Little Oakley. No? He’s gone. That’s a pity. Marvellous little tapas bar there. Well, we’re just coming up to two minutes to one so we might as well go to Dave Clifton.

Only a few more nights in the caravan, Sonja. I thought we’d celebrate tonight by watching “Spartacus” with corned beef hash. Then afterwards we’ll make sweet love. Then I’ll drive you home.

True story....

The first time my STBEXH said I love you...

My reply was..

"thanks a lot!"

Hahaha! I actually said "You've gone again" at work the other day to someone whose phone kept on cutting out.

My colleagues thought it was hilarious but actually it's all their fault because we quote Alan quite a lot so obviously I'm turning into him now.

Floraeasy your posts have made me laugh and laugh - thank you.

Glad you enjoyed them GetinTheFuckingSea There's nothing like a bit of Alan. Even when I'm a bit down, he raises a chuckle.

I'll do a couple more before I head off to bed!

Lynn: Still annoyed about that “Bad Slags” book?

Alan: I am. I don’t know why people buy this rubbish. About these East End thugs who lend you £100, and a week later you owe them a million. I’m not exaggerating. You buy a car off them and find out it’s two front ends welded together. You send off for an MOT and you get a note back saying they found some chap’s ribs in the oil sump. Or you take the lid off the gear knob and find a testis.

Alan: Just stayed in an wached a documentary about quicksand. Then Sonja and I took our tops off and had a cuddle, followed by mince and onions. Doesn’t get much better than that.

I love Alan too. And in fact my colleagues quoting him was one of the reasons I knew I'd found the right job!

Never gonna use em, never gonna use em ...

Alan: No, but I’ve seen the photographs in the central spine. And I read the bit where you say you put drugs up your bottom. Why? You’ve got a perfectly good mouth.

Sonja: What is Cockey?
Alan: Cockney, Sonja, is an area in London where criminals live. The police don’t arrest them because, and they’re very strict about this, because they only slaughter their own. And they have funerals with horses and floral tributes that say things like “Mum” and “Stab”.
Sonja: They don’t sound so evil, these men like flowers.
Alan: Sonja, these guys, some of the stunts they pull… They’ll chain you to a car that’s been clamped. So the only way you can get yourself free is by phoning the council. But you can’t do that because they’ve shoved your mobile phone up your backside.
Sonja: Mobile phone not hurt too much. Is only small.
Alan: No, Sonja. This was in the late ‘80’s. Mobile phones were like big black plastic bricks with a rubber breadstick sticking out of the top. It’s agony.
Sonja: Maybe if was vibrating phone, it quite pleasant!
Alan: Sonja, this is no laughing matter. You know, if you are at a fun fair, these guys might put your head in a candyfloss machine. And they might be standing round having a great laugh at you with your big pink hair. But you may be very very dizzy. Now, Sonja, I’ve been thinking about your impending homelessness and I’ve come to a decision. I want you to move in.
Sonja: Really?

How cool to work with colleagues who actually appreciate AP!