I need to write "cock piss surname" on someone's car. Where can I buy washable car paint today?

[DanDanDanDanDan]

Need it for tomorrow

Tia

For years now I have been unable to say 'pyrotechnics' without employing a shit South African accent. And I am really shit at accents.

"I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said "how do I look?" Would you say, bearing in mind he's depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say "go and take that blusher off you mis-shapened elephant tranny"? No. You'd say 'You look nice... John'"

Me and my son do the South African accent if we hear the word pyrotechnics too.

Elephant tranny

Well, there’s Lynn. Look after her. And make sure she’s back here by ten o’clock, and don’t get her pregnant! I believe you’re quite keen on the Bible? I was reading the book of Genesis the other day. I’ve got to say, that bloody snake.

It's a 'pipe' of pringles!

I don’t want to have sex with your wife. Even though, from the promotional videao, I can see that I would have a ruddy good time.

And, also, archers. I hate archers, “The Archers” and Jeffrey Archer. You’re all deceitful cowards. I just realized then, that only applies to archers and Jeffrey Archer. But not “The Archers”, who… to be fair, are a mixed bag. Goodbye.

Who is the best lord? Lord of the rings? Lord of the dance? Or Lord of the flies?

Alan you can't (in a south African accent)

Let me tell you something about the Titanic, people forget, people forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg!

Yeah, it’s cholesterol. Scottish people eat it.

By the way, flora I think you win the Alan Partridge quote prize!

Am impressed at how many you know

Thanks lapinlapin

I am cutting and pasting them though

I can't stop it. I think I may have a problem.

I am watching the clips on youTube now!!!!!!

I mean you must know some of the rotten rubbish you produce. I mean tongue for example. Who eats tongue for goodness sake? Imagine a tongue sticking out of a sesame seed cob?

Well I wouldn’t eat one of your tomatoes if it came up and said “eat me”. Which is not unlikely, considering all the rubbish you stick in ‘em.

Hello? Yeah, it’s Alan. Your lovers’ husband. Yeah. The immersion heater? It’s underneath the stairs. You only really need to press that if you’re having a deep bath. Well, put it on an hour before, Bob’s your uncle, you’ve got a deep bath. Yeah well, if you would please, yes.

That wasn’t deliberate, I promise you. It’s not a cry for help. I’ve had these shorts since 1982. They did have an underpant lining, but it’s perished. They’ve taken a bit of a pounding over the years.

'You make pigs smoke ... You feed beefburgers to swans ... You have big sheds and inside these big sheds are 20 foot-high chickens'

My sons had the AP dvds out again last night because of this thread. Was laughing all the way through the elephant tranny one.

This has just popped up on my FB feed

People on this thread would win hands down at that quiz. Will you be attending Crackers?

Have you never had beans in a cup, Alan?

Add a sausage, it's like a savoury 99.

"The day after I confronted her, Carol said she wanted to clear her head so moved out just before Christmas. I sat on the edge of the bath, sobbing and eating a pork pie until the pie was gone - at which point I felt a heck of a lot better."

Behind a large boulder on Helvellyn for my birthday. Actually, that is where you were conceived. We just didn’t take precautions. No, no, we were delighted. I mean at first I was mortified, then you were born and we grew to like you.

Ah yes, here we go. I was wondering how long it would take before this show descended into some French hidden buttock agenda.

It's been an AP marathon here these past two evenings.