AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

I don't think you were unreasonable. If you don't want to clear up someone else's bodily functions then you shouldn't. I think though that it's more to do with the fact that she wasn't doing anything about her problems and expecting other's to clean up after her.

I would have cleaned it up but I can understand why you didn't. If she hadn't had to have cleaned it herself she may not have seeked medical help.

I wouldn't have done it for my mother but I hated her. People choose to have kids and clean up after them.

I had issues holding my bladder for days after having DS, it was humiliating enough having lost it once in front of DH so can imagine what your mom goes through. some old people do moan about illnesses, my mom does too. I don't make an issue of it. You could have helped her clean up and then had a frank chat with her about your concerns or made an appointment with the GP yourself. What you did and the tone of your OP is distasteful to say the least. What has she ever done to you to be at the receiving end of such humiliation?

I'm with the OP. Unless her mum has dementia she knows she has a problem but has not done anything about it.

You were reasonable to discreetly ask her to clean it up.

No - she can walk, therefore clean it up herself. If I was your mum, I would be too embarrassed to let my daughter do it unless I was infirm.

I really hope this is a troll. How could anyone be so cruel to their mother?

This thread could become really positive if it encourages women to visit their GP's & demand request a referral to a urogynae consultant clinic.

If you are willing to go and be seen -until all options have been exhausted -there is no reason that any woman has to resign herself to wearing pads and incontinence wear for life.

It's great that you can buy tena etc in the supermarkets now, but this & the new 'discreet pads for sensitive bladders' (WTAF) are normalising something that actually needs addressing by a medical professional.

It is not normal to wet yourself. Please get help.

Hear, hear, Agatha!

Too right.

Incontinence of any kind is not an inevitable result of pregnancy/childbirth/age. Please do seek help for it.

And in the words of Gussiegrips 'do yer blardy exercises' - pelvic floor ones, that it

I can't imagine treating my mum like that.

You do sound quite cold.

My mum would have fallen over herself insisting that she cleaned up after herself, though.

I would have insisted that the car needed cleaning anyway and I'd sort it.

Then we'd spend a good 10 minutes insisting that the other one leaves it. Then we would probably compromise with one scrubbing and the other disinfecting.

I do sympathise with OP dealing with someone who doesn't seem to want to help themselves. It is very frustrating.

She's 70 and your mother! What the actual fuck is wrong with you

Yep.

Every time you walk through a doorway - do a Kegel.

I think you were really mean.

You sound pretty resentful towards your dm but it sounds like there's a back story.

Op you were mean and owe your mum a proper apology. But thanks for posting because I'm now squeezing like fury!!

I hope you are a troll, because you sound thoroughly nasty.

Ok, she doesn't want to address it via a GP. She's probably afraid.

You were borderline abusive.

Hateful and horrible.

I don't want to make you feel bad OP.

But I think you were really unreasonable. And reading your post has really upset me. I just can't believe you did that - making her walk back to the car with her stick to clean it up. How many times do you think your mum cleaned up your wee, sick and poo? How must she feel now knowing that she wet herself in a car you were driving and you marched her back out there to clean it up?

I really hope the replies here have given you food for thought and you feel differently now. And I hope you apologise to her, tell her you were wrong, that you're worried about her and you're glad she's going to go to the doctors.

I can't believe how upset I am over this

Poor woman. You owe her a massive apology imho

Very very mean, I would have cleaned up after my mum and done much more than that. No wonder she is being off with you.

There was a time when your mother did everything for you, please try to be a bit kinder to her

You took a pensioner out to your car and told them to clean up their mess while you stood and watched. You are heartless.

My mother would have been totally mortified if anyone else had to clear up any mess she made (as would I), she would have rushed to do it herself as soon as possible -- wouldn't most adults?

But you do come over as a little hard on her.

That said, I could never clear up after anyone else as I have big issues with bodily waste, but I would absolutely clear up my own wee, at the ripe old age of 67. (And as a Tena lady wearer too )

This my attempt to lighten the mood here

I can't believe what I'm reading, how humiliating for your poor mum.
Please apologise to her

You were horrible. And if anything from now on she isn't going to tell you anything or ask for help in fear you are going to humiliate her. try and look at it through her eyes and imagine how you would feel.

There's so many replies I don't know where to start responding.