Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
RainbowJack · 29/03/2017 22:15

Oh and you could have booked a home visit with the GP if she was reluctant to go before resorting to humiliation.

magimedi · 29/03/2017 22:15

You really are a bit of a cow.

Wait until you are 70 & have bladder issues.

I hope your Dc are kinder to you than you have been to your Mum, but given your example I wonder if they will be.

And it will serve you right.

What goes round comes round.

Flippingecktucker · 29/03/2017 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IloveBanff · 29/03/2017 22:17

HellonHeels "I do question why the mum wasn't using tena pads"

She was using Tena pads. Read the OP's posts.

kmc1111 · 29/03/2017 22:17

I don't think YABU at all. If she'd been ill, then yes, but she wasn't. She just had an accident that easily could have been prevented, due to an issue she's ignored for what must be decades.

I'd be pretty disgusted by any adult who wanted someone else to clean up their bodily fluids while they just sat around, perfectly able to do it themselves. Again, it's not like she was ill and you pulled her out of her sick bed, she just didn't want to clean up after herself for some reason.

guiltynetter · 29/03/2017 22:19

you are horrible. i hope this isn't real

SoupDragon · 29/03/2017 22:20
Hmm
podrig · 29/03/2017 22:20

Wow. I'm not at this stage of my life yet but I can't imagine ever treating my mother like that.

Papafran · 29/03/2017 22:21

Wow, you are really, really horrible. I sort of hope this happens to you when you get older and your kids frogmarch you out and stand over you while you clean it up.

Goldfishjane · 29/03/2017 22:21

OP you are a really nasty piece of work. I'm gobsmacked. I know what it's like to worry about an elderly parent. That is not an excuse for what you did. I really hope I never meet anyone like you in real life.

I also your mum has good friends to look out for her.mimhope one of them tells you to FOTTFSOF. I get that we don't always like our parents but in that case, stay away, don't treat her the worst way you'd treat a dog.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 29/03/2017 22:22

Wow OP!! With a daughter like you, who needs enemies!

How fortunate you are to be able to control your own urine flow. There are many men and women who have to deal with continence issues. I am one of them! Do you know how humiliating it is to be unable to control your bladder and end up wetting yourself? No, well I can tell you that your poor Mother was already ashamed, before you treated her like a naughty child! In fact no you treated her the way dog trainers treated pups twenty years ago, before it was recognised as abusive to rub an innocent pups nose into its own mess. We don't even treat dogs as badly as you treated your own Mother!

You owe your Mother a massive apology! If you care enough to want to help, please contact your Mothers g.p and ask for a visit/ appointment with the continence nurse for your Mum. She will need to complete an assessment of her input and output fluid wise. The results of which will help the nurse decide if your Mother qualifies for free pads/ nappies and if yes, what strength of pad she will require. In the mean time eBay sell big boxes of heavier pads, iD form extra plus are very good, they can hold over 1.5 L in one go. They should qualify for vat exemption. I also recommend Kylie bed protectors which also hold a good amount of urine. You can also get seat pads.

Please try to empathise! Your Mother is a human being, she deserves to be treated kindly, with respect and as her daughter you should seek to preserve her dignity not destroy it!

ImsorryTommy · 29/03/2017 22:22

This is so awful. I wouldn't treat anyone who couldn't help wetting themselves like this, let alone my Mum.

I can't imagine how fucking humiliated and ashamed she felt. Your poor Mum.

RainbowPastel · 29/03/2017 22:22

I wouldn't worry about responding to anyone. Use your time to think of a way to make it up to your Mum. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself you have been incredibly nasty.

herethereandeverywhere · 29/03/2017 22:24

Who did her mum think would clean it up? Was she just expecting it to dry out itself? Why didn't she at least offer to do it?

Hassled · 29/03/2017 22:24

Bloody hell - do you think all this personal abuse is really helpful? The OP isn't vile or heartless and doesn't deserve to rot in hell for all eternity - she made a very bad call but with good intentions, and that's the extent of it. She doesn't deserve this level of vitriol - this is just nasty.

Bleu2 · 29/03/2017 22:24

No need for the level of aimed at the OP. Not on.
My own DM wouldn't entertain the thought of me cleaning up & she's older & disabled. Whether I'd let her is another matter though.

diddl · 29/03/2017 22:25

I think that if she could have used the loos at the supermarket & avoided it happening then I would have been annoyed.

I would have thought that she would at least have offered to lean it herself tbh.

Bleu2 · 29/03/2017 22:25

Sorry -that should read "no need for the level of vitriol aimed at the OP"

HemiDemiSemiquaver · 29/03/2017 22:27

sounds humiliating and patronising, the way you talked to her.

Seeing the GP can be a huge thing for people ,very embarassing, and doesn't always do any good.

I'm half her age, and suffer with bladder spasms. All the exercises haven't really done anything, or training, or anything like that. It just doesn't help. The GP and the physio didn't really tell me anything I hadn't already read about and tried, they just confirmed that I was doing the exercises right. There doesn't seem to be much more I can do.

It isn't necessarily an easily sortable problem. It isn't always easy to get the courage to tell a `gp about it, and potentially not be believe. My gp doesn't really take me seriously. A lot of people are told it's just part of aging. She's already trying to sort it by wearing pads, and you humiliated her even more.

She was probably so embarrassed. Why couldn't you keep talking to her nicely about going to the GP, helping her get the nerve to do it, helping her come up with solutions? She didn't do it on purpose, and shaming her isn't going to make her suddenly see that she should get it treated, when she might not even know/believe that it can be. It might just make her more anxious and embarrassed to say anything, knowing how disgusting you find it, and worrying that other people will too.

I hate having it, and it destroys my confidence and makes me worry other people think it's grim, that I smell, that I'll end up much worse when I'm old, etc. She might well feel awful about it already.

BaldricksTrousers · 29/03/2017 22:28

I work in care and am taken aback by your response to your mother. Accidents happen. Also there may not be a whole lot a GP can do except prescribe her larger pads. There still is a change she can 'leak' beyond these pads so if you are worried, a kylie for a chair and the car can make a big difference. Or just a towel.
Incontinence is humiliating and is very hindering to people's everyday lives. Asking someone to just "hold it" is often not possible. If I made a resident in the home I work at clean up their own wee I would be fired. And aside from that--if it were my own grandmother I would never ever force her to clean it. She didn't do it on purpose to spite you. She is probably deeply ashamed.
I would suggest visiting the GP with your mother and perhaps you can gain some sympathy.

DanyellasDonkey · 29/03/2017 22:29

I don't really get all the abuse directed at the OP. My MiL is like this. Has had bladder issues for years and won't do anything about it, Once at their house she had an accident and OH and FiL both expected me to deal with it [confused}.

stands by to be flamed too

mrsmuddlepies · 29/03/2017 22:30

This is one of the most cruel and also most upsetting post that I have read on MN. No carer would be allowed to behave in this way. Your behaviour was despicable and chilling in the lack of sensitivity you showed your mother.What will happen when you eventually become ill and vulnerable yourself? Imagine being cared for by somebody who believed in humiliation as a way of coping with vulnerability.

CosyCoupe88 · 29/03/2017 22:30

In wpuldnt bother replying op. I think most people can see you love your mum and thought you were doing something to try and kick start her into action ... just without much empathy or deep thought beforehand. I think you misjudged your actions and now I think you need to have a think if you do think you've made a mistake and owe your mum an apology and explanation. I know I wasn't exactly kind ti you but there is a lot of brutally honest opinions here now.. take them.on the chin or as a kick up the arse and do something positive about the situation now if you can to repair your relationship and support your mum :)

Bleu2 · 29/03/2017 22:30

The OP has bothered to visit her parents, take her mother to the supermarket, worries about her.......etc etc.......and yet is subject to the excoriating level of abuse on here.

user1474371557 · 29/03/2017 22:31

I am so glad that I am not your mother. I cannot believe you did that to the woman who gave birth to you. I hope you never get old. As previously stated elsewhere in the replies you should have cleaned it up and gently suggested that she go to the Doctors for advice. She might love you as you are her daughter but believe me she really doesn't like you at the moment.

Swipe left for the next trending thread