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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
38cody · 29/03/2017 21:46

Oh your poor mother. I think you were way beyond unreasonable to do this - more like a complete bitch than unreasonable.
How could you heap on the humiliation like that? Poor woman. What a nasty nasty thing to do to anyone, let alone your own mother - I hope your own children treat you so well when you are elderly. Disgraceful.

SpreadYourHappiness · 29/03/2017 21:46

I do think the big deal you made of it, following her to the car and so on, was cruel. But she had probably put you on the defensive by snapping at you as soon as she'd done it as though it was your fault for not getting home quick enough.

If someone had snapped at me, I'd probably think 'why should I help you after your attitude?'

SpreadYourHappiness · 29/03/2017 21:46

On saying that though, I don't think I could have done it to my mum.

littlefrog3 · 29/03/2017 21:47

Blimey. Over 150 messages! The thread was only posted 50 minutes ago! 3-4 posts a minute. Definitely an emotive thread! Shock

blue2014 · 29/03/2017 21:48

If you are for real you need to apologise - reading this actually made my heart hurt

PunkrockerGirl · 29/03/2017 21:48

Well aren't you a delight, OP .
Let's hope your children aren't taking empathy lessons from you.

FlaviaAlbia · 29/03/2017 21:49

YABU - you humiliated her after she must already have been mortified.

tiptoeingpixie · 29/03/2017 21:49

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?

Just re-read this - I don't want to pile in and slate you as some have OP but this sounds really hard hearted - my dad refuses to use a walking stick because he's 'too proud' but he's 81 and he hobbles. 'Making a show'? No, that's just how he walks now his legs don't work so well anymore :(

After posting this thread do you feel any different or do you still feel your actions were justified?

As for 'well at least some good has come of it'. There are ways and means, and humiliating your mother like you did wasn't one of them.

Bedsheets4knickers · 29/03/2017 21:49

Apologise and tell her it was a clumsy way of trying to get her to get some help .

Believeitornot · 29/03/2017 21:51
Shock

Is this for real?!

AgathaMystery · 29/03/2017 21:52

Your poor mum.

I imagine it's really frustrating for you that she has suffered this way for so many decades but perhaps to her it became her new, terrible, 'normal'.

It's great that's she's getting help now & guarantee that we do pelvic floor repairs on women wayyyyyy older than 70-something! I agree that she may be beyond just pads & may need proper incontinence wear. If so these are £££ & her GP can prescribe them for her - then, once she has confidence in them, she can consider leaving the house again. I can't imagine feeling housebound in my 70's, she may live another 30 years!!!

OP you were so cruel to her. So unkind. How could you have done that to your own mum? I hope you manage to apologise to her and perhaps become her advocate.

PurpleMinionMummy · 29/03/2017 21:52

Well, I thought you were pretty horrible. Then I see she WAS wearing a tena lady and flooded it. Now I think you're beyond words .

Bluesrunthegame · 29/03/2017 21:53

I'm with the OP. Her mother has not seen her doc about her incontinence but constantly complains about her health issues. It sounds as if she is not using any sort of pad to help her deal with her incontinence. Maybe now she will. If this has been going on for years, it's about time she got help and if this is what it takes, so be it.

pinkbraces · 29/03/2017 21:53

I can't believe I am reading this, you deliberately humiliated your mum. Do you think she enjoys having such little control over her bladder?
YABU and a nasty person

IrregularCommentary · 29/03/2017 21:53

I hope you're a troll. If not, you're really fucking heartless.

JaneEyre70 · 29/03/2017 21:53

My mum banged on my front door the other day, almost knocking me over dashing past and running to my loo at full pelt. I stood there open mouthed until my stepdad appeared a few seconds later, laughing his head off and saying he never knew mum could run that fast!! Mum appeared again, shaking, and saying she'd nearly wet herself she was so desperate for the loo. I sat her down, said mum its fine, thank goodness you made it and perhaps you need to see the Dr about your medicine you take to get rid of fluid....... she had a little cry she was so upset about it, but they've now changed her medication and she's not as bad. I bought her some Tena's that she looked horrified at, but giggled when I said "Mum I'm 46 and wear them all the time, especially if I've got a cold and have to cough... man up and wear one, they're why God invented big pants!!"
Your poor Mum probably feels horrid about all of this, I get your frustration at her not doing anything about it though. Just say sorry, you're glad she's getting help and move on from it. We're all human.

Crumbs1 · 29/03/2017 21:56

Just unkind, unnecessary and unreasonable. Poor woman must be upset, embarrassed and worried about her loss of independence. It would be kinder to say you'd go with her as incontinence can be cured nowadays. Encourage and support her, go to appointment so she gets treated.

EggysMom · 29/03/2017 21:57

I'd have been too embarrassed at that point to ask my own mother to clean it up, I'd have wanted not to even mention it again - so I'd have done the clean-up on my own, while she sorted herself out.

Then I'd have steeled myself and had the conversation that has to be had.

Doyouwantabrew · 29/03/2017 21:58

Hope you have apologised op

BumWad · 29/03/2017 21:58

Awful Sad

user1490634864 · 29/03/2017 21:59

You sounds horrible in your OP. My mums incontinent at 45 and I'd clean up after her. When she old and frail I definitely will. She cleaned up your bodily fluids for years.

GahBuggerit · 29/03/2017 22:02

You sound like you don't like her very much. Id do anything like that for my ma

AllDaBoats · 29/03/2017 22:02

This must be a reverse or a troll. If it is true... your poor mum.

linspins · 29/03/2017 22:03

So you have been thoroughly roasted now, and deserved it. I'm hoping from this that you can find it in your heart to be more caring and compassionate from now on. Please, please, apologise to your mum, tell her you were having a really bad day. Do something lovely for her to show that you are not the heartless person that this thread thinks you are.

ShelaghTurner · 29/03/2017 22:03

JaneEyre70 that made me laugh. My mum also drove the width of Ireland to visit her sister, knocked on their door, whizzed past my uncle who was completely baffled and bolted for the loo. We were in hysterics but it was a different situation to the OP.