AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

[Gilead]

ZOMBIE THREAD

[Snowman41]

You sound like you were annoyed at your mum. Are you aware this isn't an intentional thing?

I would be ashamed to treat my mum like that.

[ilovesprouts]

I had a accident in 2013 left me with a week bladder etc I sit on a mat in my daughters car I'd my pad gets too wet before I get home my daughter just says it's ok mum not your fault and they clean it ya I

[Nomoreboomandbust]

Zombie thread

[CupFullOfSpiders]

I would hope that someone has cleaned it up, as this thread is from April...
ZOMBIE THREAD
REPENT ALL YE WHO ENTER, THIS THREAD BE DECEASED
THIS IS AN EX-THREAD
ETC ETC

[butterflying]

I wouldn't clean it up either. But then my mother is terrible and I don't feel I owe her a second of my time.

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

I think the mum humiliated herself by seeming to expect everyone else to clean up after her. This can't be the first accident and I can see why the op was annoyed.

You cannot have the audacity to complain about medical issues that you never get seen to. Her issue can more than likely be fixed but instead she is choosing to have these accidents and expect others to not only clean it up but to also take the blame

As parents we choose to have our kids, they don't really owe us anything tbh. Sometimes when I'm having a shitty day with my mostly shitty life I do think to myself why on earth did she have me to be so cruel and expect so much? Then I realise why I had my two, the only difference is I don't treat them like shit.

Anyway it seems to have had the impact the op wanted and now her mum will get help.

[herethereandeverywhere]

...I was giving an alternative example of reading between the lines. I see no evidence of anything which would make my example 'less credible' than yours.

As to my first point, I saw treating the situation as a 'matter of fact' as a way of not drawing attention to the incident, a business-like approach that I have experienced when being cared for by HCPs. Just 'getting on with the job' so a big deal isn't being made of it.

If I pissed myself ANYWHERE there is no way I'd pretend it didn't happen and expect ANYONE, not least a family member or my daughters to clear up my own urine. And for as long as I am in control of my mental faculties I vow that to be the case. Expect someone else will clean my piss because they didn't empathise enough? Didn't stop the car? No. My wee, my problem. What did she think was going to happen to the piss-soaked seat? Was she comfortable with her daughter cleaning it up?

Empathy is about understanding and sharing the feelings of someone else. If OP had misread the seriousness of the situation (a lack of factual understanding) or did not have the required knowledge of what happens with urge incontinence, or how frequently (a lack of knowledge) how was she supposed to have the correct (in your eyes) understanding and sharing of her mother's feelings? She had not accurately perceived the facts of the situation.

[fascicle]

herethereandeverywhere
I saw the description of the requested clean up as being quite matter-of-fact, no point being ashamed. OP didn't publicly humiliate nor threaten to do so.

The humiliation doesn't have to be public or intended. I think your position of not imagining OP's mother's feelings having wet herself
are less credible than a 'reading between the lines' response. Would you feel emotionless if you had pissed yourself in somebody else's car? If your response was to avoid rather than tackle the situation (certainly the mother's attitude to getting medical help), how do you think you would feel if you were asked to help clear up the mess?

And how can this I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

indicate a lack of empathy?!!

A lack of understanding perhaps

How can it not indicate a lack of empathy (of which a lack of understanding is a big part)? The OP shows a lack of understanding of the condition and a lack of empathy in her description of her mother's response ( she snapped and then went silent ). There are other examples in the OP's post which corroborate this.

[herethereandeverywhere]

Thanks lou, understood, I was making the point to that poster, not just you.

[LouKout]

Should have said people cant manage to care for their relatives sometimes.

[LouKout]

Yes. Sorry..i was repeating the posters phrase.

[ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh]

It seems a bit harsh, I'd have cleaned it up when she was sorting herself out. I can't imagine standing over someone while they cleaned up after there own accident, it does seem very humiliating. On the other hand if I had an accident I'd offer the clean it up.

[herethereandeverywhere]

Save for cases of severe dementia I would like to think that the choice of entering a nursing home would be one led by the elderly relative, in conjunction with family members?! The elderly are not just put/dumped anywhere like an animal!

And in cases of dementia the decision is rightly out of the hands of the sufferer but in most cases best all round if relatives are not the full time carers.

I certainly will not be expecting my children to provide any care for me. I want a loving and connected relationship - however close or far apart we may live, not the services of a carer.

[LouKout]

People put their parents in nursing homes for many reasons. It doesnt make them bad people.

[herethereandeverywhere]

More reading between the lines going on.

I saw the description of the requested clean up as being quite matter-of-fact, no point being ashamed. OP didn't publicly humiliate nor threaten to do so.

And how can this I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

indicate a lack of empathy?!!

A lack of understanding perhaps - either of incontinence per se or of the mother's comment about needing a toilet - a misunderstanding of the urgency of the situation.

[mediocremumatherbest]

You seem like the kind of person that will eventually just dump your mother in a nursing home. How are you going to look after her when she's much older? I hope your own kids are a little bit more understanding and dignified when it comes to your care in your old age.

[fascicle]

I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

I think this part is quite telling. You lack empathy for your mother's condition(s) and expect her to exert a greater degree of control when it's highly unlikely she had any choice in the matter.
I would have cleaned the seat whether it was my mother/anybody else in her position. Asking her to participate adds a layer of humiliation/punishment to an already unpleasant experience for your mother.

[LouKout]

LoL.pads.Thats it!

[WankingMonkey]

I would have cleaned it. I would imagine my mother was horrified and embarrassed and forcing her to do it would make her feel 20x worse.

I understand where you are coming from though

And she really does need to see a doctor. Or wear pads at the very least.

[LouKout]

You dont need to say anything really

[mediocremumatherbest]

I felt quite shocked reading this! I'm sure your mother was incredibly embarrassed and you've just humiliated her even more! I don't even know what to say. I would never treat my mother like that.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

For me, it wasn't the fact that the OP didn't clean up after her mum, per se - it was the impression I got from her description in the original post of her marching her mum out to the car, and standing over her whilst she cleaned it up - it sounded horrible, frankly.

The 'tone' I got from it was of an adult making a bad child clean up a mess they had made - not a caring daughter helping her mum after an embarrassing accident.

And it was an accident - not an 'on purpose'! She was wearing a pad, but flooded it.

I have had accidents where I have wet myself or wet the bed, as an adult - and I can tell you that it is beyond mortifying - it is a horrible experience. Luckily my dh did not take the same 'tone' as the OP took with her mum - he was understanding and just helped me clear it up with no criticism, overt or covert.

If he had behaved towards me the way the OP behaved towards her mum, I would have been absolutely devastated. And I don't think her mum deserved to be treated that way!

[herethereandeverywhere]

The woman who weed was asked to clean up her own wee. She was neither a child nor senile but chose to ignore the wee on the car seat for reasons presumed to be embarrassment (though may be anger at daughter for not stopping/finding a solution when asked).

There are pages and pages of comparisons to what the mother did for the daughter, even just the very act of giving birth as some sort of pre-payment for clearing up her wee. They liken the act of caring for a child to the act of caring for an elderly parent - despite the fact they are totally different, whether or not you believe that the actions of a mother earn you certain care/treatment in later life.

[Dreardre]

Nobody is infantilising a 70 year old woman. However, op seemed to have been unnecessarily harsh in the moment. There may well be a conversation to be had about going to the gp but not while, in effect, rubbing her nose in her own urine.