AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

[JonStark]

Saying that, I don't think I would have approached the issue exactly like the OP did. I think I'd have just said 'What are we going to do about cleaning the seat?' when we got in and see what her response was.

[Jazzywazzydodah]

I've been out with my Nan today who is 84. She would crawl over broken glass before she let any one clear her piss up.

70 is not olds

[Alpies]

The way u treated ur mother was degrading with intent to humiliate her. I cannot believe a daughter would treat her own flesh and blood in such a shameful way esp when that's her own mum who is old!

Shame on u OP! I hope u never get old or sick.

[Headofthehive55]

I would have cleaned it up for my mum. And my mil. No question.

[GertyTheGert]

I was so sorry to read all this. Its true - you should have shown compassion, love and understanding. She did tell you she felt the need. I am sure/hope when you read these comments you will see this accident in a different light. Your Mum may not be with you for long - once gone, you may spend a lot of your life regretting - so I'd say Mum I am so very sorry. I also feel some other comments - doesn't she wear a pad etc etc are NOT caring comments either, nor forcing a mother to see a Dr - she MUST go to the GP etc - she is an adult not some dumb creature with no brain. Some younger gals, having given birth to 2 children, have bladder probs - has no-one heard of this?!? Its not only in the realms of 70+ ladies! So please be kind - espec to your Mum.

[SophieGiroux]

YANBU
70 is not old anymore and if someone makes the mess they should clear it up. I wouldn't want someone clearing up my piss. Different if it's a child, they're disabled or have dementia.

[GertyTheGert]

-2- I am taken aback that some folk here are trying to say everyone at 70 is such and such and everyone older is such and such - as though an individual's health follows a bluddie mapped-out pattern. I think you need to think about your posts in a more caring way. Its like saying childbirth is the same for everyone, period pain is the same for everyone, osteoarthritis is only for only 80 yr olds. How sad is it that a daughter makes an older Mum embarrassed so that she is reluctant to go out. Am getting a mental picture of those self-centred girls on Facebook pouting away and not caring about anything or anyone except their own selfish lives - what a shame an adult here treats their Mum like an inconvenience who deliberately wet the car seat. My cat vomited on mine - he is only 19 so I withheld all food until he apologised and cleared it up - NOT.

[Babyblues14]

I work as a carer and deal with multiple people will full capacity who wet themselves constantly. And I wouldn't dream of telling them to sort it themselves. Let alone my own mother. And no, I don't have to do it if they are able to do it themselves but I couldn't imagine just sitting there and watching them cleaning it up.
I'm not surprised your mum doesn't want to go to the doctor about it. It must be extremely embarrassing and I can guarantee that you have just made the shame a million times worse. I'd be suprised if she goes anywhere with you again. And that will be your fault if she doesn't.
And clearly yes YABU

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

Is this still going on?

[user1469751309]

Yes YABVU poor woman didn't piss in your car on purpose I wouldn't dream of dragging my 70yr old mum back out with her sodding walking stick to clean the car if she had an accident. She would have been embarrassed enough as it was. Sorry Op but it sounds really cruel

[InionEile]

Tough one: if she had had an accident in her own car, she would have cleaned it up herself and presumably is physically capable of doing so. Since it was your car though, I'd imagine she was embarrassed. Asking her to clean it up herself is unnecessarily mean. You could have just discreetly cleaned it up for her to lessen the embarrassment. The urinary incontinence is partly your fault after all - she gave birth to you!

[raspberrysuicide]

You can get large pads that hold over 3litres of liquid and they hold a big flood really well without leaking.
Loads of places sell them online.

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

Sorry OP, I'd have cleaned it up for my mum and made a joke about it. To be fair, my mum was disabled, but I'd do the same for my dad, who isn't. Must be mortifying. Thinking about it, I'd do the same for a friend if the situation arose, and just be glad I could help.

[herethereandeverywhere]

The urinary incontinence is partly your fault after all - she gave birth to you!

Really?! Really?!! I think I've heard it all. Perhaps OP could respond with 'I didn't ask to be born' which would be just as helpful in the circumstances

I haven't been back to the thread for days but it seems the majority are still infantilising a sentient woman in her 70s. Baffling.

[Dreardre]

Nobody is infantilising a 70 year old woman. However, op seemed to have been unnecessarily harsh in the moment. There may well be a conversation to be had about going to the gp but not while, in effect, rubbing her nose in her own urine.

[herethereandeverywhere]

The woman who weed was asked to clean up her own wee. She was neither a child nor senile but chose to ignore the wee on the car seat for reasons presumed to be embarrassment (though may be anger at daughter for not stopping/finding a solution when asked).

There are pages and pages of comparisons to what the mother did for the daughter, even just the very act of giving birth as some sort of pre-payment for clearing up her wee. They liken the act of caring for a child to the act of caring for an elderly parent - despite the fact they are totally different, whether or not you believe that the actions of a mother earn you certain care/treatment in later life.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

For me, it wasn't the fact that the OP didn't clean up after her mum, per se - it was the impression I got from her description in the original post of her marching her mum out to the car, and standing over her whilst she cleaned it up - it sounded horrible, frankly.

The 'tone' I got from it was of an adult making a bad child clean up a mess they had made - not a caring daughter helping her mum after an embarrassing accident.

And it was an accident - not an 'on purpose'! She was wearing a pad, but flooded it.

I have had accidents where I have wet myself or wet the bed, as an adult - and I can tell you that it is beyond mortifying - it is a horrible experience. Luckily my dh did not take the same 'tone' as the OP took with her mum - he was understanding and just helped me clear it up with no criticism, overt or covert.

If he had behaved towards me the way the OP behaved towards her mum, I would have been absolutely devastated. And I don't think her mum deserved to be treated that way!

[mediocremumatherbest]

I felt quite shocked reading this! I'm sure your mother was incredibly embarrassed and you've just humiliated her even more! I don't even know what to say. I would never treat my mother like that.

[LouKout]

You dont need to say anything really

[WankingMonkey]

I would have cleaned it. I would imagine my mother was horrified and embarrassed and forcing her to do it would make her feel 20x worse.

I understand where you are coming from though

And she really does need to see a doctor. Or wear pads at the very least.

[LouKout]

LoL.pads.Thats it!

[fascicle]

I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

I think this part is quite telling. You lack empathy for your mother's condition(s) and expect her to exert a greater degree of control when it's highly unlikely she had any choice in the matter.
I would have cleaned the seat whether it was my mother/anybody else in her position. Asking her to participate adds a layer of humiliation/punishment to an already unpleasant experience for your mother.

[mediocremumatherbest]

You seem like the kind of person that will eventually just dump your mother in a nursing home. How are you going to look after her when she's much older? I hope your own kids are a little bit more understanding and dignified when it comes to your care in your old age.

[herethereandeverywhere]

More reading between the lines going on.

I saw the description of the requested clean up as being quite matter-of-fact, no point being ashamed. OP didn't publicly humiliate nor threaten to do so.

And how can this I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

indicate a lack of empathy?!!

A lack of understanding perhaps - either of incontinence per se or of the mother's comment about needing a toilet - a misunderstanding of the urgency of the situation.