AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

I really hope this isn't real. I can't stand my mother but if this happened to her I'd clean it up discreetly - in fact I have cleaned up worse (faeces) for someone I'm not related to who was in a similar situation. No way would I humiliate someone like that.

She probably didn't need to go when at Sainsburys. That's the thing with urge incontinence. It happens suddenly. By the time you realise you need to go, you need to go NOW. I had it for the first year after my DS was born. It was hell. I hardly went anywhere, always had to think where the next loo might be. I managed to self improve with pelvic floor exercises and time. Even now i have occasional issues.
She has lived with it for years, the shame and destruction of self confidence, then her daughter treats her like a naughty child and humiliates her like that and has the neck to complain about things being frosty.
I actually hope you are a troll and that nobody could be so cruel to their own mother.

I actually think she'd have been far more likely to seek medical help if you'd cleaned up while she changed and then said Mum, you can't go on like this... actually and I speak as a nurse many incontinence issues like this are actually relatively easily fixed or minimised with treatment options including surgery. They do pelvic floor repairs on 70+ ladies, I assure you!

HellonHeels:

The world turns on reciprocity. She doesn't have to clean up her mum's wee, but a good person acting in the interests of someone they loved wouldn't think twice about it.

That doesn't mean OP was compulsorily entered into a contract to do the same for her mum now.

No. But a bit of love and compassion wouldn't come amiss, would it?

Her mum chose to have a baby - and chose not to get her continence problems treated.

You're looking at this through 2017 eyes. Older ladies didn't have access to all the treatment options that us younger women take for granted. A lot of them just accepted that childbirth inevitably led to continence problems.

Your intention may have been a good one, but the act itself was mean. Unnecessarily cruel.

Christ thats boaderline abusive.
In fact no it is abusive.
If a care worker behaved that way towards your mum you would be looking to get them sacked!

Your poor mum.
You should be ashamed of yourself and I am shocked at how hour post has upset me tbh.

Urge incontinence is quite different from stress incontinence and not necessarily a consequence of pregnancy/childbirth; far less related to pelvic floor strength, but cause by overactive innervation of the bladder wall (not a weak tap = stress, but a over-zealous bladder wall = urge).

Wow! you sound horrible. Your poor mum.

Shame on you!
You should've been kind and caring and cleaned it up without a fuss and then put your arm around your Mum and spoken to her gently about seeing a doctor as she doesn't want to go on in this situation.

Your poor Mum! How horrible for her! You act like she wanted to/choose to wet herself!! I'm sure if she had any clue she would need to go at Sainsbury's she would of!! She is also wearing pads to try and deal with the situation! Yes she should go and get help but she's probably embarrassed about going to the doctor!!! You say your concerned about them but behaving like this won't help you can just be sure she won't be confiding in you anymore!

You need to apologise!

I am actually crying reading this story. Please god don't let this happen to me. if it does, please don't let my daughter be like you.

I want to go hug my mum right now - wish she was here so I could do that.

You need to be a bit more kind and understaning as I would give anything to have my mum and you treat her like that come on

Hell having no compassion must be lovely. Not that I believe you for a minute so why am I replying????????

Really mean op :(

I can't believe this is real. Or if it is, that you have to ask if it was "unreasonable" to make an elderly woman who walks with a stick hobble out to a car and clean up after herself in such a humiliating way, when she'd already presumably be mortified. Really?

SookiesSocks I was thinking the same about a carer situation...none of us would stand for that type of treatment by a carer towards our parents.

My mother had this problem. It didn't get better: it got worse, a lot worse. This is not something it is easy to sort out.

I remember the first time she peed on the street as we got near the door of my house, and I was saying: "Oh don't worry; it's nothing, just a drop; this happens to everyone; I will get you some pads just as a precaution so you won't have to worry, etc"

Instead of Tena pads, your mum may need adult nappies, which you can research and order on line to find the best product for her needs. After years, there were times when I got frustrated at my mother being in denial, weeing and pooing everywhere for 10 years, not admitting she couldn't change her pad easily, not admitting when she had soaked through her pad and pants and leaked onto my couch, refusing to do her physio even though that meant she could no longer get to the toilet at all. She was in the early stages of dementia, and I regret the many times I was impatient with her. It did take me years to get impatient; at first I was just trying to cover up for her, and in the end, I knew none of it was something she could control in any way.

Maybe your mum will be luckier and her doctors will be able to help her; I am sure improvements have been made in care, and your mum sounds more healthy and fit than mine was. Please be kind and patient though because really she is getting old and won't be around for ever.

Ashamed? You should be, your behaviour was bordering on abusive.

I think it is a disgusting attitude to have towards your own mother. I presume she cleaned up after you when you wet yourself as a toddler? I presume you have a good relationship (as you bother with her) and therefore she has probably brought you up with kindness, love and support. She’s your mother, she deserves your respect. Seriously, did she need to be humiliated? Can you not understand why she went silent (hint: embarrassment)? And yes you did humiliate her by asking her to clear it up. Would it have hurt you to run a Dettol wipe over it, as she likely did for you in your early childhood? Was the five minutes saved not doing so worth the distance that is now between you? I can’t get over you being cheesed off. Do you really think she wanted to do that? That if she had any control over the matter she’d have waited til she got home? That she’d rather piss herself in the car? You being ‘cheesed off’ is EXACTLY the same as being pissed off at a toddler in the same circs. YADBU. You sound really nasty, OP. I don’t know what relationship you have with your mum. I can only imagine it’s not the best, as I have a good relationship and cannot imagine being so spiteful as you were. You only have one mother, and she won’t be around forever. Cherish her and look after her while you can.

Poor lady, already wearing a tena pad and barely leaves the house and you humiliate her. If she could have held it she would have.

When your kids were potty training did they have to clean up accidents while you stood over them? I hope not.

And maybe have a quick think about why women in their 70's don't go to the dr about incontinence issues (or women any age actually)

The number of people that won't go 1 step out their way to be kind makes me sad.