AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

[HellonHeels]

Hmm not sure on this one. I'd have cleaned up for my mum I think.

BUT there's some history here - the refusal to get medical treatment despite constant moaning about medical issues is annoying especially if it ended up with an 'accident' - it's not really an accident if OP's mum has refused treatment previously. I can understand OP's irritation. I do question why the mum wasn't using tena pads, I know my own mum and my older friends do for travel or if they're worried abut leaks.

[LaLaCascada]

@Cel982 I'm not a troll. There was frozen stuff in the shopping that I unpacked and I made Mum a hot beverage. No amount of gentle chatting has ever got my parents to do or change anything. I live far away and worry greatly about their welfare.

[Carolinesbeanies]

Do you think shes stopped sobbing in the privacy of her own home yet? One thing youve guaranteed OP, she wont leave her house in your car again. Not your finest moment may I say.

[ArriettyClock1]

Reading the OP has made me feel really sad. Your poor mum.

Really unkind and cruel of you

[Hassled]

I can see that you were thinking along the lines of "time to make it into a big embarrassing deal and then maybe she'll be spurred into getting her act together and seeing the GP" - and from the sounds of it, it worked. I don't doubt that you were acting out of concern and care.

But that doesn't make it OK. You need to apologise - especially if things are still frosty now. That must have been bloody awful for her.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Sorry but you sound like a bitch. You should have just said "mum you get changed, I'll boil the kettle and sort the car" then had a chat with her kindly about the doctor, no need to humiliate her to make your point

[treaclesoda]

I clean up after my elderly parents all the time. And I don't even mention it to them because I know they feel humiliated already by the loss of dignity. They don't do it because they think it's no big deal and someone else will sort it, they do it because it's beyond their control.

[justdontevenfuckingstart]

How humiliated must she have been to have wet herself and been followed with kitchen roll. She must be (of no need) embarrassed and needs your support and help. I would have just cleaned it and then ordered some pads.
Can't believe you reacted like that.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

You worry about their welfare so much that you made your 70yo mum, who has continence issues and needs a stick to get about, go back out to the car while you stood over her and made her clear up her own urine?

[WobblyLegs5]

She was probably humilitated. So cleaning it up for her would have been kinder. She shouldn't have been humiliated, these things happen, but not speaking medical help all this time suggests she is very embarraised by these kinds of things so alittle compassion would have been more reasonable

[CosyCoupe88]

It really would be great if you were just a wee troll!

[MissMogwi]

YABVU. It's not as if she did it on purpose is it.

Yes it's good she's sought help for her condition, but ffs couldn't you have just cleared it up to save her embarrassment - that's your mum.

[MrsJayy]

Your mum is 70 a lot of women her age wont take themselves to the Drs for leaking lady parts they would be mortified what you did was just mean you should have wiped it up and have a firm but gentle word with her.

[counterpoint]

OMG - your mum and as your guest in a rented car and you made her clean it?

I find that extremely offensive.

I hope you poor mum never gets dementia and has to rely on someone like you to care for her.

Heartless!

[AmberNectarine]

YABU. I would never dream of making my mum clean it up. I'd have dealt with it quickly and discreetly. I imagine the humiliation of wetting herself in front of you might have been enough to cause her to take action!

[Wondermoomin]

This is really sad - your treatment of your mum humiliated her. What a horrible thing to do. Yes I would want to clear up my own accident if I had one, and no I don't enjoy cleaning up other people's accidents, but I've done it plenty of times for others and if it was my mum I would just want to minimise her embarrassment in the moment and then choose a better time to "make my point" that she should go to the doctors.

You could at least try to make amends by apologising for a start.

[randomer]

No amount of gentle chatting has ever got my parents to do or change anything. I live far away and worry greatly about their welfare.

now that I do understand.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Actually I'm going against the grain here, but if this has made her seek help i can sort of understand it. If she regularly floods through pads and won't go to the doctor you might have done her a huge favour. However the way you did it was pretty grim.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Look if you live far away and worry about them so much I don't think humiliating her will make her open up to you about any health problems she has in the future

[MrsJayy]

To see the Dr or at least get a pack of tenna pads

[SparkleSoiree]

This is why I'm dreading old age. The humiliation, degradation and complete removal of control over your own life, by your own children.

I hope my kids are nicer to me than you have been to your mum.

Would it be so hard for you to put yourself in her position and try to use compassion even when speaking to her? A bit of tact rather than standing over her and commanding her to do something like a strict headmistress of overbearing parent. People are scared to admit their bodies deteriorate as they age, never mind go to the GP and discuss such a personal issue with them....your mum comes from a different generation.

[WicksEnd]

Christ.
There were better ways of getting her help than utterly humiliating her.

[HellonHeels]

I'm also not keen on the guilt trippy comments about how OP is responsible for the ruin of her mum's pelvic floor - she ISN'T! Her mum chose to have a baby - and chose not to get her continence problems treated.

Ditto for the 'she cleaned up your wee' comments - OP's mum chose to have a baby and knew she'd be in for cleaning up a baby for a few years. That doesn't mean OP was compulsorily entered into a contract to do the same for her mum now.

[monkeywithacowface]

I can understand being frustrated about her not seeing the doctor but really what you did was akin to rubbing a dog's nose in it's own crap because it messed on the floor.

[Crankycunt]

What a cruel, nasty thing to do. I do hope you are ashamed. Yes your dm needs to see a Dr but humiliation isn't going to get there.