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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
guinnessguzzler · 30/03/2017 12:18

I don't think the cleaning up or not is / should be related to whether or not the Mum is physically capable of doing it. I think cleaning up is recognition of the utter humiliation anyone would feel in this sort of scenario. To me, the compassionate thing to do is resolve the issue (ie clean up) with minimal fuss while the person caught short sorts themself out and calms down. I seriously struggle to believe anyone could think any other response to be even vaguely human. It's just basic kindness.

HorridHenryrule · 30/03/2017 12:32

I do understand your feelings but history has a funny way of repeating it self. Your dd will probably feel the same resentment towards you and that's sad. You have more empathy for your cats than you do for your dd and mother. That doesn't shock or surprise me you treat others how you want to be treated. It's very hard to teach your children what has never been taught to you. Think about that.

My grandmother died at 79. My partners fm has terminal cancer and she's 76 and she was a nurse for over 30 years. You need to consider the future and how you are going to support your fm and df. Old age is a wicked thing to go through.

HorridHenryrule · 30/03/2017 12:32

^support your dm

LouiseBrooks · 30/03/2017 12:35

Does she not wear pads?

Bangs head against brick wall.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 12:41

You have more empathy for your cats than you do for your dd and mother

Thats a new spin on the flaming. And completely conjectured.

GinAndTunic · 30/03/2017 12:45

Does she not wear pads?

Yes. As has been pointed out several times, the OP's mother wears Tena pads but this time the pad was not absorbent enough.

If I see this question again from another poster who has clearly not read the thread I shall emulate Louise Brooks.

randomer · 30/03/2017 12:47

bloody hell people are crying because OP's mum had an accident.

HelgaHufflepuff76 · 30/03/2017 12:48

This has actually upset me a bit.

I wouldn't dream of humiliating my mum like that. I would've cleaned it up myself. She must've felt awful. Angry

HorridHenryrule · 30/03/2017 12:48

It's the ops life how she treats others will come back to haunt her. If my children when they were small made a mess with their shit I would clean it up not force them to. I would make them wash their hands. That's what parents do. She comes across as uncaring and I have read all of her posts. I feel sorry for her.

ThouShallNotPass · 30/03/2017 12:49

Tricky.
I think you should have cleaned it up simply because it would have been far easier for you to do it. She has cleaned up after you for years.

However, your DM is being hugely unreasonable to have a condition of which she is well aware of but not to take any steps to prevent wetting herself. Whether that is getting treatment or using adult incontinence pads or similar.
With easy access to the wonderful NHS, I have little patience for this who need to see the doctor but refuse then gripe about their ailment.

Aridane · 30/03/2017 12:50

no - people are upset because of the callous and humiating way OP is treating her mother

Aridane · 30/03/2017 12:51

(that was addressed to randomer)

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/03/2017 12:53

fuck yes! but 513 posts later you know this

you need to apologise

LouKout · 30/03/2017 12:55

She says her mother is a bit better now. It seems people reading the OP and crying are more upset than her actual mother.

Applebite · 30/03/2017 12:56

I lost my mother when I was far too young and she was only 50.

Frankly I wouldn't give a shit what I had to clean up if I could have been lucky enough to have her for another 20 years.

YABVVVVVVU to complain about cleaning up after your own DM. However, YANBU to encourage her to go to the dr; chances are it will keep happening unless she finds out why and if it can be helped :(

LagunaBubbles · 30/03/2017 12:58

What a horrible display from you OP, both what you did and now trying to justify it. I guess you dont like your Mum very much and want to humiliate her?

hmcAsWas · 30/03/2017 13:03

Step away from the thread OP. Hide it and leave it to the frothers

PietariKontio · 30/03/2017 13:07

I have a pretty distant relationship with my mum (we don't hug etc), but would have cleaned up for her.

She didn't get pissed and then do it, she has a condition that made it happen - could she be managing it better? Probably, but then not helping her out when things go wrong isn't going to help that. Kindness and advice will. After all, she's not a cat.

Maybe due to having worked in care for 30 years and having 3 kids, means I don't find cleaning urine particularly taxing. But if you do find it taxing, imagine how your mum feels, and how doing it for her might take away one small part of what made the situation difficult for her: she had the embarrassment, she had the frustration and the upset , and she had herself to clean up.

user1487175389 · 30/03/2017 13:11

You need to establish firm boundaries. If she expects you to care for her, that needs to be something you agree to. If not, she needs to visit her GP and stock up on incontinence products.

skilledintheartofnothing · 30/03/2017 13:46

If my mum had had a accident and leaked through the incontinence pads she was wearing and on to a car seat. I would have cleaned it up without a second thought while she was up cleaning herself and changing her clothes. Why make a situation where she is ashamed and humiliated any worse?

Incontinence is a horrible and dignity destroying condition which still carries a lot of shame with it. Sometimes medical intervention doesn't help fully and accidents will happen.

And to be honest OP if i had walked into find a sister of mine stood over our mother in that situation i would have kicked her up and down the street - harsh but true

skilledintheartofnothing · 30/03/2017 13:47

and just in case anyone missed it - -

SHE WAS WEARING INCONTINENCE PADS BUT THEY HAD LEAKED THROUGH

MammyNeedsASpaDay · 30/03/2017 13:55

I honestly think what you did was really mean. I would've just cleaned it, imagine it was you, she was probably really embarrassed. I would also probably have bought some Tena lady or similar for her in the interim.

YABVU.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 13:59

Kicking people up and down the street..much more classy and dignified.

IloveBanff · 30/03/2017 14:10

"I would also probably have bought some Tena lady or similar for her in the interim."

OH MY GOD!!!!!

Also bangs head against a brick wall.

CheesyWeez · 30/03/2017 14:14

I am nowhere near 70, but I am sometimes incontinent like this. I've had two operations and the second one seemed to make it worse. So I'm not doing that again!
But I do always visit the toilet before/after going somewhere and wear supermarket-own pads (Tena are expensive). I still weed in the car a couple of times and cleaned up my own wee, I wouldn't have let anyone else do it. I used my steam cleaner and some febreeze, and sit on a cushion which I've adapted to be waterproof without looking waterproof.
What helped the most was taking targetted antibiotics to thoroughly get rid of a recurrent (painless) infection - and giving up sugar - my theory is the sugar was feeding the infection. Now I'm better (touch wood) and I can't believe I put up with this condition for a long time, I just kind of coped, until I weed in the car and was embarrassed, so I finally did something about it.

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