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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
RapidlyOscillating · 30/03/2017 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

R2G · 30/03/2017 10:52

God that's awful. I've had several accidents with elderly relatives - wet seat, nose bleed, trail as unable to get to the loo in time, diarohea and fairly immobile ... I just cleaned them up, wouldn't dream of embarrassing them further after an ordeal for them. Some at their house some at mine, doesn't matter. She's probably remembering all the times she cleaned up after you. Not kind.

hmcAsWas · 30/03/2017 10:55

I think in your situation I would have helped my mother clean up, working alongside her. You were perhaps a little blunt and insensitive, but the premise that your mother should clean up isn't an unsound one....and frankly if I were her position, I wouldn't want my dd cleaning up after me.

I am actually quite surprised that a reasonably able bodied 70 year old would just expect another adult to clear up for them, we do the elderly no favours by prematurely infantalising them. If your mother was particularly frail or in any way confused, that's an entirely different matter - but this doesn't apply to your mother.

I don't think you deserve all of the responses on this thread - they are disproportionate and involve quite a lot of projection. Also to the posters who would clear up after a relatively fit 70 year old mother - please rethink your attitude to the elderly who don't need to be written off as dependent and helpless based on chronological age

LouiseBrooks · 30/03/2017 10:57

or at least wear a pad

How many people have said this? I wish people would read at least enough of the thread to note that she did!

Cameron2012 · 30/03/2017 11:10

You are either a horrible troll or a horrible daughter

babyboomersrock · 30/03/2017 11:13

Unless the woman is seriously disabled, I can't understand why she'd allow her DD to clean up after her.

I'm 70; so are several close friends - we're minding small children, going to exercise classes, playing sports, getting involved in community work and generally keeping active. 70 is hardly the start of serious decline - but thanks to all the posters who've reminded me I'm in my dotage Wink. It's a very unfortunate 70-year-old who needs someone to clean up after her - I did it for my own mother when she wasn't much older, but she was dying. Hardly the same situation.

Oh, and of course we know about pelvic floor exercises and so on - we didn't have our babies in the dark ages.

OP does sound detached and cold - I can only assume there is good reason for that. Accusing her of mental health issues (really??) is pretty appalling behaviour.

Posters are calling her a "carer" - she isn't. There is no suggestion that the mother isn't living independently. She sounds like a stubborn person who takes no responsibility for her health or the problems it causes other people. I'd have been out there cleaning up, long before my daughter had to "instruct" me.

Women don't turn into sweet old ladies the minute they hit 70 - we're the same as the rest of you - some of us are kind, some are funny, some are energetic, some are lazy and some are downright horrible.

Whether things happened exactly as OP relates or not, may I make a plea to all of you? We may be 70, but most of us are not falling apart - if we were, none of you would leave your DC with us, I'm sure Smile

OrraBoralis · 30/03/2017 11:13

OP I think you should call your mum and apologise for the way you treated her and say you are so relieved she is getting treatment and hopefully things will get better. Tell her you love her and again say sorry for making her clean up.

I do not like my MiL, my DH does not like his mum but when she had a messy shart in our car I took her to closest toilet and washed her underwear and the shitty part of her skirt and dried it under the hand drier. While we were clearing up, FiL and DH cleaned the car (leather seats so no lasting odour). She was late 60's at the time with no obvious health problems, she is now late 70's with dementia. I have never liked nor had a meaningful relationship with the woman but I would still clean up after her, or at least help to do it.

Both my parents are dead now but during dad's final weeks he needed a lot of care (he was in a home and they were good but understaffed) and we were lucky enough to have enough of us to be there often. I could change his nappy or help him to the toilet then clean him but my brothers found that difficult. I on the other hand would boak at cleaning his false teeth but my brothers did that with no problem so we shared the duty. My sister is a physiotherapist so she was fantastic at doing everything!

My darling, wonderful mum died quickly after a devastating illness just a few months before my dear dad passed. OP your mum is still quite young and you could have many more years with her, please try to heal the rift.
I seem to have written a short story but once they are gone that's it and some pee in a rental car will seem insignificant.

PlayOnWurtz · 30/03/2017 11:14

Does she not wear pads?

hmcAsWas · 30/03/2017 11:16

Great post babyboomersrock

DorkMaiden · 30/03/2017 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 30/03/2017 11:26

I agree with babyboomer.

If Op's mum has been living with this for years, this surely isn't the first accident-so who usually cleans up?

iogo · 30/03/2017 11:29

I'm not going to rip into the OP, she's definitely had enough of that on this thread and I'm sure she now feels awful.

It's not what I'd have done, as someone who experiences leakages despite doing pelvic floor exercises and having been under the enuresis clinics, I'd have been mortified and I'm sure your mum was too. I do think that babyboomersrock has a good point too, as long as I was physically able, I'd have been doing that car seat myself.

Note3 · 30/03/2017 11:31

Completely agree with your post babyboomersrock

IloveBanff · 30/03/2017 11:34

I also agree wholeheartedly with all of babyboomersrock's post.

IloveBanff · 30/03/2017 11:37

I also agree with the posters wondering how you clean a seat soaked with urine. I think I would have looked into getting it done professionally after absorbing as much as I could with the kitchen roll. That car is going to stink and it's not fair on the rental company and its subsequent customers.

PlayOnWurtz · 30/03/2017 11:38

I'd be expecting your mum to pay for the cleaning bill tbn

motherinferior · 30/03/2017 11:40

I've read this thread with some amazement and I took thank heavens for babyboomer.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 11:42

The OPs mum is walking with a stick and incontinent

Maybe she is playing sports and going to exericse classes..or maybe not. The abilities of people in their 70s vary greatly.

shockthemonkey · 30/03/2017 11:43

I realise the OP never did the noses things with cats.

A few posters commented that her reaction was akin to rubbing puppies' or kittens' noses in it, and I wanted to make the point that neither puppies nor kittens learn from having their noses rubbed in their messes. Let alone people.

Then OP mentioned that her mother had done the rubbing of the noses things herself, to a cat.

I have carefully read and understood everything. I am not blaming the OP for mistreating animals in any way as nothing on this thread suggests she has.

I do also think that OP has been treated very harshly fwiw. As for the poo-painting incident, I don't know how old the "toddler" was but it sounds like willful naughtiness to me, so the punishment may just have been fair. Depending on the age of the child and her level of understanding of course.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 11:45

People can have disabilities and need carers at any age. Is not ageist to say some needs a carer. My child is 10. 10 year olds run around fit as fiddles. She doesn't

shockthemonkey · 30/03/2017 11:45

that was in response to LouKout btw

LouKout · 30/03/2017 11:46

Its all getting a bit silly and OTT now IMO. Housework seems more appealing.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 30/03/2017 11:47

After a very traumatic labour and wearing a catheter for 6 days, I wee'd myself in hospital and the auxiliary nurse made me feel the way I imagine your poor mum felt. I was humiliated and she made it so much worse.

I shed a tear for you mum OP, and your lack of compassion in your subsequent posts.

That's not a nice way to behave

Aridane · 30/03/2017 11:56

Wow - I am actually upset at reading OP's first post.

I wish she were a troll.

Autumnsky · 30/03/2017 12:10

OP is horrible!! Poor mum.