AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

Babyboomersrock, whilst I completely agree with your post, its wrong to take the 'Im great so everyone else is' approach. Of course there are fit, healthy, active ladies in their twilight years.
Just looking at life expectancies tells a different story .(Sorry this is a tad depressing, Im genuinely chuffed youre so active and well, keep it up) For babies born in 1970, life expectancies were sitting around 68 for males, 71 for females. Its slowly increased, by 1990 it was 73 for males 76 for females, and for those born today it sits around 78 for males and 81 for females. Of course there are the extreme ends of age ranges, my great grandfather for example lived to be 98, dying in 1954. His life expectancy at birth was around 50 so he almost doubled the stats.

My point is, the reality for a huge proportion of the population, hitting the average, is a great innings. Were very lucky, it we come in from zuma and quietly expire with a smile on our faces. For most, the decline to end of life, is slow, long and uncomfortable. Absolutely not for cissies as a poster commented way back. I absolutely celebrate those who are lucky enough to be so well in their later decades. But it isnt, nor should it be, an example that everyone can do it or has some magic wand choice over which chronic conditions they succumb to.
If youve swerved, arthritis, lymphodema, incontinence, memory issues, or any number of common chronic diseases in your 70's, then it is indeed a blessing. Stats tell us, the vast majority wont.

Its hard for children to accept that their parents are now elderly. For heavens sake, she didnt have a problem ripping the ears off a dodgy door salesman just 3 years ago, why the sudden stagger with a stick?! This lady does not have incontinence through some 'lifestyle' choice. Yes we can debate treatments and action that should be taken, but if it was so easily resolved, Tena would be out of business, and I know plenty of women whove had prolapse repair surgery, to then find themselves with an incontinence issue.

The utter lack of compassion shown here by a daughter to a mother is to be frank, appalling. But I agree, I think the OP has been flogged enough. Message Im sure has been received.

Maybe not Loukout but i would think a daughter deliberately humiliating her 70 year old mother was the lowest of the low.
And yes i would be completely furious if anyone treated someone that i loved like that, be it my parent or my child.

she made a big show about getting her walking stick and hobbling

That's the really awful dismissive cold hearted bit. Yeuk. Poor mum

Your mother is not your fucking cat. Still reading. Still no remorse.

Holy shit. The OP didn't do anything to a cat. Her mother did. The mother was wearing Tena Lady.

No she abused a cat and even though her mother was wearing tena lady she ripped them off. Then she beat her mother with her walking stick and made her stand in the high street wearing a big sign to say she wet herself.

The OP's mum is 70 not 90.

She's had this problem for years so knows what's going on.

I wouldn't expect or have any desire for my child to clean up my urine - or any mess I made.

I would have said to the OP -

'I'm really sorry I've wet the seat. I know it's not even your car. I will clean it up. I'll just go and clean myself first. If the hire compaany penalise you I will pay.'

Comparisons between cleaning up after a helpless child and a mature, sentient adult are ridiculous.

I know she didn't, BaggyCheeks - I've read the whole thread. She drew comparisons between her own behaviour to her mother, and her mother's reaction to her (OP's) cat.

I'm also puzzled at being deleted for saying something about the OP that so many other posters have said already, without being deleted.

The age is irrelevant. The way the op handled it was degrading and humiliating.

Even a quiet "we need to get the car cleaned" would have been acceptable. Standing over her and making her do it the way the op did isn't.

Really funny, LouKout. You must be the wit of your school year.

Empathy's more useful, though.

Oh so wounded

I just wanted to reply and say that I can totally see why you did what you did. . Yes it was a bit much but she should have at least offered to clean it up herself.
It's especially annoying if she won't do anything about her incontinence. Next time you take her out in the car you should insist on putting those absorbent pads down.

She shouldn't have to live like it but if she doesn't want to get help she should have to live with her choices.

Come on op, treat others how you would wish to be treated! She time cleaning up your wee and poo as a baby. Offer her some dignity. I would have cleaned it up discretely and not even mentioned it to her.

But by not even mentioning it how is that going to help her mother? I'm not saying the OP handled it exactly the right way, but pretending like it never happened just further reinforces that the mother did something awful and shameful that must never be discussed, when being able to discuss it (in general) could make it easier for the OP's mother to seek help for a condition that she's not been getting the appropriate help with for however long.

There isn't an equivalence. We're not duty bound to our parents just because they changed our nappies!

And 70 really isn't very old.

I completely agree futuristic1.

They bought us nappies though. We need to buy them Tena Lady

I don't know many 70 year olds who would appreciate being babied like many posters want to do.

Wiping your kid's arse is not a great favour to be repaid at a later date - it's your duty as a parent.

And when you're an adult, taking responsibilty for your own mess is also your duty - until you no longer can.

And actually I got quite fed up with my kids pissing or crapping too. Oh, and I did find the expectation that I'd just deliver personal care for my mother - who died last year - pretty difficult to cope with. (Before anyone adds me to their list of Evil Women Who Make Them Weep Just Thinking About It, I should point out I did it. Grudgingly and resentfully but I did it.)

Could people just TRY to read the thread - OP has already posted that her mother WAS WEARING PADS but it flooded through therefore her mother is trying in her own way to do something.

It must have been so humiliated for the mother to suddenly need to go and not to be able to hold it and then to be further degraded by her daughter treating her like a naughty child is just so sad.

I am sick of the 'I can do this, so you should be able to do' brigade on here!!!

Just coz one person is like a spring lamb at 70, and can run a marathon, and is (allegedly) super fit and never wees themself by accident; that doesn't mean others are the same!!!

The poor woman! The OP sounds like a heartless cow to me. I would think I had failed horribly in my parenting if my daughter ended up like this. How nasty!

yes and just because some people love their dear Mums and would do everything for them , there are others with a more troubled and compex relationship

Ain't that the truth, randomer.

So the OP has been silent all day? Why? Have you no more to say? Have you called your mother?