AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

Please be kind to your mum.

So she's been slow at getting to the doctor. Maybe some denial, embarrassment, who knows? Facing old age and losing your dignity and independence is a really hard thing to look square in the face. It's all downhill from here. It takes time to come to terms at times - even if it will happen to us all in the end, including you.

I really don't think she enjoys being in this position, do you?

Please apologise to her and explain that you too may be having problems accepting that your mum is getting old. Have a real heart-to-heart and clear the air to mend some bridges.

Also, I do work in a field where women in their TWENTIES are having these problems. All it takes is a naturally weak pelvic floor, cancer, an abdominal operation gone wrong, a few births, a bad tear during labour, and Caesareans don't necessarily protect you from that. In short, it could be any of us, at any age, so please have compassion.

Would you have made your mum do this if it had happened on Mother's Day? If not, couldn't you give her that kind of respect and kindness every day?

Well even if if the doctor can't do anything they can prescribe bigger pads that are very hard (and expensive) to get otherwise. So it's still worth going.

I see we're back to the idea that the OP is personally responsible for ruining her mum's pelvic floor and therefore should clean up after her.

Sorry, pressed print too soon.

The point is even if the doctor couldn't do anything medically with the pads prescribed the situation could have been avoided. It's all very well saying it wasn't the mum's fault - this is clearly not the first time the problem has arisen so the mess didn't have to happen. I'm sure if it had been the first time OP would have cleared up and it's the fact that while the Mum didn't do it deliberately but there was the potential for the situation to have not happened at all influenced the OP's actions.

I think it was a bit harsh. She was obviously feeling embarrassed.
There are tablets you can get to take away the urgency if it's mild incontinence but it could also be the symptoms of a water infection.

I'd apologise to your mum and have a gentle discussion with her. It's a very embarrassing problem and she may feel uncomfortable talking to a doctor about it. I'd offer to go with for support.

" I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please"

^ I didn't need to read any further than that to be honest. Talk about humiliation and down right meanness. I wouldn't speak to my child like that. I can't imagine speaking to any incontinent 70 year old like that much less my mum. A stranger on the street collapsed and dh placed his very expensive overcoat over her while we waiting for an ambulance. It was soiled and at no time did he ever mention it again. Why humiliate someone like that. You did it to your mum.

I do pelvic floor exercises like crazy

That won't save you, believe me. Keep doing them, but don't assume it will necessarily protect you from incontinence.

Oh and my mum was an NHS auxiliary for decades so bodies and unexpected leaks aren't that freaking embarrassing

I've done auxiliary and lots of clean-ups and if/when I have my first embarrassing incident (whatever form that takes) I will be just as embarrassed as the next person, I'm sure.

No hugs in your family? Sounds like a real lack of affection in the family. Your mother is reaping what she has sown.

I think you've been remarkably restrained, actually.

I know what it's like to have to be cruel to be kind, to get through to someone.

That won't save you, believe me. Keep doing them, but don't assume it will necessarily protect you from incontinence.

Actually they can be rather effective. I'm on pregnancy number 3 after 2 vaginal births and i have zero issues with leaking when on trampolines or coughing etc. After my babies things were weaker and doing the exercises corrected things.

Op, you were awful tbh. But if you DM lacks affection etc maybe your reaction to her was partly due to that.

Wow. That was heartbreaking to read. I'm sure your mum didn't do it on purpose! Would it really if hurt to clean it up?
I have a problem with migraines and on more than one occasion I've been sick in my DH's car. Accidentally, a lot like your mum, every time he hasn't let me clean it and has sorted it without a fuss and trying to humiliate me. That's what you do for the people you love, I think you sound bitter. Your mum is 70 and won't be around for ever, appreciate your mum well she's here even if that means scrubbing a wet car seat. It's really not that difficult and would of probably made a big different to your mum.

70 is not even that old. I don't understand why anyone would expect someone else to clean up after them anyway.

Actually they can be rather effective. I'm on pregnancy number 3 after 2 vaginal births and i have zero issues with leaking when on trampolines or coughing etc. After my babies things were weaker and doing the exercises corrected things

Oh yes, they can help loads, certainly

The trouble starts when you get older and your tissues atrophy. The ageing process itself is factored in. That coupled with any previous births (and sometimes even without having given birth) is when it all kicks off!

Declining androgen levels contribute to a weakening of pelvic floor muscles. Oestrogen has limited effects on pelvic floor strength, but declining levels may contribute to an overactive or jumpy bladder.

We've all got so much to look forward to.....

Poor mum I have a weak bladder and when I had my accident I had a commode down stairs my daughter who was only 20 at the time had to wipe my bum as I could not do it myself so yes YABU

I would have cleaned up for my mum. I think you embarrassed her unnecessarily. I would have said "it's ok don't worry, but maybe you should to the Dr as this could happen anywhere".

"Should we not be firing our guns at her mother who for some reason never bothered to hug her daughter? In some 30 or 40 years??"

Ah, the twisted logic continues. Going by the OPs actions, your suggestion is exactly what the OP would wish to happen. Of course its her mothers fault, as its never the abusers.

Heartbreaking

Something similar has happened to my mother, now in her 90s. We do what we have to do to get everything cleared up without any fuss. While we are out and about, I have had to loan her clothes and find a laundrette to get hers washed and dried.

I hate to see how she gets horribly, horribly embarrassed. When we (rarely) talk about it, she says how awful she feels that I have had to do some of the clearing up. I remind her that, were we keeping score, she has done it for me several million times so is ahead by miles

I love her.

The abuser?! Easy, all she did was tell her mum, who is perfectly understanding and capable, to clean her mess. Pussyfooting around the issue has just led to a situation where her mum hasn't sought the help she needs, and I could well see the OP getting frustrated with this.

The OP knows it wasn't her finest moment, but the amount of hysteria on this thread is amazing.

you don't have to pussyfoot around it - you could talk about it calmly and compassionately. Telling her like a naughty child to clean her mess in order to prevent it happening again is just humiliating. Cleaning in itself isn't going to make her realise she needs to seek help. Humiliating her might, but in the wrong way.

Should we not be firing our guns at her mother who for some reason never bothered to hug her daughter? In some 30 or 40 years??

I don't ever remember my mom hugging me - or I her. None of our family did.

It doesn't mean people don't care. We simply weren't a demonstrative family, and that goes for my aunts, uncles, cousins too. My sibling and I are always saying "love you" to our families now but they're just words aren't they, it's actions that count. I had the best mom in the world and we loved each very much..

Your op actually made me cry! I work in care and the idea of shaming someone for something they can't help horrifies me. Hopefully you'll be treated with more compassion should it happen to you. That kind of humiliation really stays with people

I'm appalled. While I don't see why the mum couldn't have cleaned the car herself (and maybe she would have done given the chance - sounds like the OP was snapping orders the second mum got out of the bathroom) for the OP to march her out to the car and stand over her....!
I don't have a touchy-feely, practical sort of relationship with my mother (the sort where I'd feel comfortable discussing anything personal etc.) but I'd still have gone straight out and sorted the car while she was in the bathroom. And brushed any apologies / offers to help off with a quick 'no worries, all sorted, would the doctor be able to help' comment. I sure as hell wouldn't be trying to make her feel even more embarrassed than she already was.
Where's your compassion OP? Do you get kicks out of putting her down?

That was mean.

So was the comment about puppies' noses. That kind of practice is outdated and pointlessly cruel.

Its like chinese whispers. She said her mum did it to cats. OP didnt and it wasnt puppies.

This is growing legs. People crying and throwing around allegations of psychopathy. Really?