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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
Valentine2 · 30/03/2017 00:22

I have had the misfortune to see something similar in a relative's family. It's a terrible thing to do to your mother OP. I wouldn't even think of it in a million years (my mother went through lots of accidents and yes I helped her in every way I could, including cleaning her bed, dresses, floor of bathroom etc.). Your mother sounds bit unlucky in that she has you. Hmm

yayforsummer · 30/03/2017 00:27

Yabvu
She wiped your arse for years. Circle of life.. time for you to help her now

Carolinesbeanies · 30/03/2017 00:29

'A mother should always be the mother.'

WTF?

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 30/03/2017 00:32

Your poor Mum. Such a cruel way to treat her.

Wishforsnow · 30/03/2017 00:33

I wouldn't be so cold hearted to treat a friend like that let alone my mother

morningconstitutional2017 · 30/03/2017 00:42

She probably felt embarrassed enough without having to clean it up as well. She is 70 after all. Surely incontinence is the last taboo? Something that most of us dread as we get older.

CatThiefKeith · 30/03/2017 00:51

People like you are the reason the charity I work for exist

I you have any idea how many people have become housebound for fear is accidents like this? Fortunately I,
My colleagues and I have more compassion than these people own offspringAngry

Eminado · 30/03/2017 00:56

What you did was awful; that has been covered.

However there's something about the coldness of your subsequent answers that is actually scary Sad

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 30/03/2017 00:58

Wow. What a cold fish.

IloveBanff · 30/03/2017 00:58

As a woman in my 60s with an adult daughter I don't think I could bear to let her (or anyone else) clean up if I ever had an accident like this if I was capable of doing it myself. It would just add to the humiliation.

IloveBanff · 30/03/2017 01:00

Miniwookie I couldn't agree more.

SparkleSunshine201 · 30/03/2017 01:00

YABVU. You were very rude and mean to your mum. I'd have no problem cleaning it up for my Mum.

AYankinSpanx · 30/03/2017 01:07

The cover's been blown here, hasn't it? I don't want to add yet another report to MN if it's already been done.

They always go too far and then it rather unravels, doesn't it?

Llanali · 30/03/2017 01:18

I wish I hadn't read this thread. Memories of my own mother, who had metastatic cancer and a brain tumor wetting herself and crying have come racing back.

When I remember my mum now, I never think of those last few months. Because if I do, my heart hurts so much I can hardly draw breath, because I watched her dignity fall to her feet in a wave of bodily fluids, and I hated it, and she hated it, and it's just awful.

We never, ever, EVER would have done to our mother what you did to yours.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/03/2017 01:19

no hugs in this family

Sad Sad Sad

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/03/2017 01:21

Glad I read to the end before writing personal stuff.

Suffice it to say OP, you humiliated your mother on purpose in order to force her into complying with your demands re her own healthcare.

You did the wrong thing. The ends do not and never will justify the means. Clearly you have a bad relationship with your mother, but can't you pretend to respect her basic humanity?

There seems to be a lot of blame around incontinence. I'm glad the whole pelvic floor exercises are so well known now. But it's not a global panacea and it's not something that is helped by pouring more salt into the wound ( err, metaphorical salt only!)

All the guff around carers and disabilities I am going to great lengths to ignore.

IloveBanff · 30/03/2017 01:38

amberdillyduck I'm completely baffled by you saying

"So you are a troll. Sitting there at home getting some weird sexual gratification? Are you Male and getting all wanky now? You need medical help."

in response to the OP's post:-

"I'm an atheist. Hot beverage - really has nobody seen The Big Bang Theory?"

How the hell does that make her a troll? Confused

kali110 · 30/03/2017 02:05

My mom and i do not have the best relationship.
I still would never treat her this way.
She cleaned you up countless times yet you march her outside to clean up a bit of wee, like a child?
She flooded her tena pad! She was Already humilated, yet you wanted to make her that little bit more?
She used to rub my cat's nose in puddles and poohs. And shout. I did neither in this incident.
I don't understand this, Should she be happy for this?
She isn't a cat nor a child.
She didn't do it on purpose.
( i would never do to my cat either)
You're wondering why things were 'chilly'?
your mom was humiliated already from what happened and then by what you did. I wouldn't be feeling very talkative.
You can say it was so she would get help, but you've already said the real reason.
You were angry that you would have to sit in that seat the next day.
Can you not see that this was wrong? I hope you can op.
I don't know if there's anything you can do to change this incident, but you can change how you react to it in the future.

no hugs in this family that's really sad. Maybe that's something you could start to change.

kali110 · 30/03/2017 02:07

I agree with IloveBanff i don't understand why 'beverage' and the big bang theory reference are making people weary?
I know a few people who use the word beverage Confused

mathanxiety · 30/03/2017 02:36

I have an aunt who has had incontinence issues for many decades. She has gone to her GP about it many times but has been fobbed off with instructions about Kegels. It has been too late for an operation for about 20 years now and her condition can't be addressed by medication - it was caused by a poorly done CS.

OP, you say you do kegels like crazy. Are you implying that you think your mum hasn't taken care of herself that way and is being lazy?

Do you feel superior because of your kegels?

Are you punishing her? For what?

Why no hugs?

(You don't have to shout or physically rub a nose in something to cause humiliation.)

MyPerfectCousin · 30/03/2017 03:46

I'm a bit perplexed by these answers.

Whether this thread it true or not, if I had an accident like the OP described, I would expect to clean it up. Why would I expect someone else to do it? I don't understand.

I don't understand the "she cleaned up after you for years argument". I also clean up after my children, but I wouldn't expect them to be cleaning a seat in the car that I'd wee-ed into.

If the woman was humiliated and shamed by cleaning up after herself, I can imagine she'd only be a damn sight more humiliated by knowing her daughter had cleaned up after her.

MyPerfectCousin · 30/03/2017 03:46

I'm a bit perplexed by these answers.

Whether this thread it true or not, if I had an accident like the OP described, I would expect to clean it up. Why would I expect someone else to do it? I don't understand.

I don't understand the "she cleaned up after you for years argument". I also clean up after my children, but I wouldn't expect them to be cleaning a seat in the car that I'd wee-ed into.

If the woman was humiliated and shamed by cleaning up after herself, I can imagine she'd only be a damn sight more humiliated by knowing her daughter had cleaned up after her.

MrsPeelyWaly · 30/03/2017 03:54

Im hoping this thread is made up nonsense and someone is sitting somewhere having a good laugh at people posting a reply because the lack of compassion shown to the mum in the OP is very upsetting.

Itwillbefine · 30/03/2017 05:08

She was embarrassed already and you embarrassed her further.

No hugs with your mother sounds like you have other issues with her going on.

Ericaequites · 30/03/2017 05:29

Motherequites is 79, and has incontinence issues. She has dementia, and now lives in a memory care unit. When she lived at home, we scrubbed and replaced panties. My sister and I buy lots of underwear and pads, and let it go. She is ill, and can't help it. Is this how you pottytrained your children?