AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

• Wed 29-Mar-17 22:52:51 I'm an atheist. Hot beverage - really has nobody seen The Big Bang Theory?*

I'm done with this - after all the heartfelt comments and people posting their experiences this is what you reply with?

I'll reiterate - reading this I am so thankful for my family, and feel so sad that you so obviously don't have that close connection :(

If you are not a troll maybe it is time for your family to start hugging. Go and apologise, hug your mum and tell her you are sorry and that you love her.

It makes me sad as I could never treat my mum like this

You sound delightful. Just suck it up and move on like she did when you couldn't help it but thought you were in control when you were potty training. Show her some compassion you cold hearted person. And just hope your kids show you more kindness. I feel so angry on her behalf.

Maybe this is a reverse and someone did this to OP? Did they? Is it you this happened to? Because your responses are very cold and no apologetic for what you have done.
I would have thought you would say OMG you are right, that was terrible of me, I must call my mum now and apologise. It you haven't, so what's the real deal???

OP, I thought you had made a clumsy attempt to shock your Mum into seeking help. And I thought you were getting an overly harsh time here.

Then I read your cat comparison Maybe that was a joke?

Anyway, posters like PacificDogwood and AgathaMystery have given some good advice.

Bleu2 my 91yr old nan has had accidents at my mums and had been able to clean herself up but there is no way she could have cleaned a car if she had done it there.

You sound as delightful as the OP

Hey OP I think you should tell your mum you've had a change of heart because you realised you should move on like she did when you couldn't help it but thought you were in control when you were potty training.

We are talking about a 70 year old woman in control of all faculties except urine continence. There are some very strange references to childhood going on on this thread.

OP I get where you're coming from. I don't really hug my mum, nor hold her in the highest esteem, simply by virtue of the fact she is my mother. She also has faults - and I'd deal with them as unemotionally as you have. She pissed in your car then walked away without any attempt to sort out the problem.

You won't rub a cat's nose in it but you will do it to your daughter and mother? WTAF?

I felt sick reading the OP, and not because of the incontinence issues. When I think of my poor mum and how ashamed she is to be losing her health and independence, I want to cry. I do everything in my power to avoid adding to her humiliation.

Your poor mum. She can come and live with me, and won't have to clean a thing.

I wouldn't have made her clean up but on the other hand I think if it had been me in your mum's position, I'd have at least offered to clean it up. but from her point of view, it depends entirely on how much urine happened. If your mum suffers from incontinence, she may be unaware of the amount of urine she made, it could just as easily be a glass but more likely a dribble. Be careful not to mix laziness with a medical issue. Please don't tell anyone else what happened either. It is a private matter. Keep it that way.

Was your mum's wee a bit like

I'm in my mid-50s and have had what they call "key in the door syndrome" since my early 30s, although only last 5 years or so its been a massive problem. At one point I would wet myself completely 4 times a day, mostly in the house, and the kids would often see - or we'd have to come home early or change plans etc just to accommodate it. Now they are teenagers, I often worry what they must think about me.

I take medicine which is not entirely reliable. I can ask to go back to the clinic but its a long drawn out process of trial and error on different drugs. How on earth am I going to be in 15 years time when I am same age as OP's mother? Will I be able to go to their houses without them worrying what I might do on the carpet? In front of their partners and their children too? I think I would be very quick to clean up any mess myself, I wouldn't want my girls to have to do that for me.

I'd just feel disgusting, like a "stupid old woman" - but I hope I will also try to keep it under control with drugs etc. God I hate to think my kids would have to deal with me soiling stuff.

I hope to god that when I'm 70 I can clean up after myself. I certainly would not let my children do it however old they were. The greatest loss of dignity here is the OPs mother expecting her daughter to clear up, not the fact she had an accident. A daughter is not a nurse. A mother should always be the mother.
And age-wise, 70 might be old but it's certainly not ancient.

Axe ground nicely.

Sorry, my post seems inappropriate following last post.

Not read all the replies, but initial reaction is "oh, how mean."
How humiliating must that have been for her?! Yes it's infuriating when parents won't go to the doctors when they really should for whatever reason, but a bit of compassion over this type of stuff should be there on your part.
Did she huff and puff when you were potty training and presumably weeing everywhere?!

Fucking hell.

Okay OP. I'll bite.

From the sounds of your posts, you're at the end of you tether with your mothers incontinence. However you also say that you live quite a way away. So this isn't something that you have to deal with every day which leads me to think that there hasn't been a build up of sorts, yes?

I did before I moved away. My mother deals with it daily. My DF has an operation in his late 60's and he never recovered fully. He's incontinent and suffers from vertigo so on the main remains housebound. DM is his carer and before I had to move, I was her relief for 1 day a week and then for 3months when they came to stay with me. And do you know what - I never made him clean up his own mess. I could already see how mortified he was and how soul destroyed he was with each and every accident. Because that's what you do as family instead of humiliating each other.

Just a question, how old was your child you made her clean up after herself? Was this something you had to do as a child?

What you did was humiliating and degrading for your mother. My parents are of a similar generation and no doubt your DM doesn't want to bother the doctor with embarrassing problems when there are other people with more discerning problems, yes? Can't bother the doctor with this little problem...? I heard that as well. Difference is, none of my family has taken it to this level and yet we still managed to get DF to the docs. It's called gentle persuasion. You've essentially bullied your mother in a humiliating manner, but at least that was more time efficient to get her to go to the doctors, ehh?

I wonder how many of those flaming the OP have actually had to look after someone who has made bad health choices.

I have.

My DM used to deny everything about her condition, refuse all help and make life inordinately hard for herself and those around her. It was intensely frustrating and I didn't always behave in the way I would have ideally like to eg the night she refused to go inher wheelchair to the theatre and was then a total liability needing a chair brought to her with much drama the foyer.

I'm sure the people around me judged my attitude but it was just so fucking thoughtless. Her wheelchair was in the car and people would have stared a whole lot less if she had been in that....and it would have been easier to park etc as my wheelchair pushing range was really good.

That was the last time I took her to the theatre (which she loved) because she just wouldn't accept going in her wheelchair.

This is a weird thread. Yes the OP sounds cold and horrible, but most of the responses are quite ageist. The mum is 70, not 90. Do any of you know any 70yos? All the ones I know are quite capable of cleaning a car seat and would want to if they had an accident, not expect their daughter to do it.

YABU. From what you've said it sounds like you were trying to make a point, but it was one time! If she wees in your car every week but as a one time accident YABU.

The least you could do is apologise to your mum. And maybe start giving hugs before it's too late.

Your poor mother, how humiliating. You should be ashamed.

Wow! I thought I was unfazed with anything I read on MN, but really? How mean. To your Mum? Dear God woman, have a heart!

I have a neuro condition which makes bowel accidents a distinct possibility. I arways remember having a major bowel accident on the M25 while desperately trying to get off the slip road and to some toilets. My protection failed and things were so horribly humiliating. However, my overriding memory of the day was the utter kindness and compassion of my husband and my son, then aged nine. I was mortified, but at the same time I was so proud that DH and I have such a kind and compassionate young man as our son.
If either my husband or my son had acted the way the op did, my agoraphobia would have resurfaced. Btw, ignore my last post: I hit send too soon and without editing.

Absolutely disgraceful humiliating undignifying treatment of your mum.

I am shocked that you would treat your mother like this. People make life choices that are not the same as your own but you don't rub their nose in them. Perhaps try and develop a relationship with her so these feelings don't occur?

The mum is 70, not 90. Do any of you know any 70yos? All the ones I know are quite capable of cleaning a car seat

That surely depends on the individual?! I know a few. Whichever way you look at it it was humiliating for the parent.

Although not the OPs mum's age I have a problem with urgency too. I have noticed that I manage much better when my highly critical and loud DD is not with me. I didn't have an accident I just used a public toilet twice in about 1 hour. God help me if I ever had an accident. It could be that highly critical DDs could be contributory to the cause of urgency and not just because of birthing babies.