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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
LouKout · 30/03/2017 05:36

Way harsh replies.

Its hard seeing your mum like this and its hard when they wont help themselves.

Its stressful and we dont always act ideally.

We dont all have wonderful childhoods wih saintly mothers.

The OP said she loves her mum..was helping her go out and is desperate for her to get medical help.

It wasnt very nice but she acknowledged that.

She doesn't seem like a troll nor does she deserve all the sanctimonious competitive flaming.

Jaynebxl · 30/03/2017 06:22

This whole thread is so sad. Sad that a 70 yr old woman who is otherwise healthy and has all her faculties has to live with this. Sad that her daughter coldly made her clean up and talked down to her like a child. Sad that there are no hugs. Sad how the op has responded so coldly on this whole thread. Clearly the issue goes much deeper. I wonder if the op felt humiliated and talked down to as a child / teen by her mum and this is her chance to reverse the roles. In any case and for whatever reason the relationship sounds rubbish. If I was the op I'd be focusing on that and maybe get some help fr that.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 07:01

Its hard being a carer.

Anyone who hasn't done it should hold back from high handedly flaming Op , IMO

Sirzy · 30/03/2017 07:04

It is hard being a carer. I have done it and still do. That's one reason I am so appalled at her thinking humiliating someone she is caring for is acceptable behaviour.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 07:05

Erica were there no times you struggled and behaved less than a saint towards your mother? I think thats unlikely. And if ypu had felt bad about it and asked for support i'd hope you wouldn't have got a guilt trip either.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 07:05

She didnt say it wss acceptable. She asked here.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2017 07:07

When DD was a toddler there was a pooh painting incident and I did insist she wiped it all up

You made your toddler clean up her own poo? That is utterly disgusting.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 07:08

Sounds like her mother did it to her.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 30/03/2017 07:08

Incontinence is my biggest fear, i've had toilet issues my entire life due to OCD (started feeling like i hadn't fully emptied my bladder at age 5, tests found no physical cause) and have been on medication for an unstable bladder for the past year.
For me it's equal parts embarrassment and also germs that cause my fear, it means complete avoidance of things that could cause incontinence, so i'll never be able to have a baby.

I feel for your mum, going to the doctor was embarrassing and difficult, but it has to be done, acting like it isn't happening isn't going to fix it. I don't think you handled it in the best way, but your mum wasn't doing herself any favours ignoring the issue and something had to happen to get her to see her doctor.

Has your mum tried cutting out caffeine? It is a major bladder irritant, diuretic, and i find it plays havoc with my bladder. Also avoid anything carbonated, alcohol, and fruit juices, especially blackcurrant. I pretty much just drink mildly fruit flavoured bottled water, even milk is an irritant for me personally.

I don't think you're a bad person/daughter though, you're getting pretty harsh responses i don't think are fair. Your mum ultimately could have sought treatment years ago, has adamantly avoided doing so, and that at least contributed to what happened. I hope she gets some treatment that helps, there are several medications and potential surgical options. Not all cases of incontinence can be fixed, but most can be vastly improved if not cured.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2017 07:13

Sounds like her mother did it to her.

So?

LouKout · 30/03/2017 07:14

So an observation

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 30/03/2017 07:16

I can't believe how rude and cruel you were! Awful behaviour, you should be ashamed of yourself. if that were my Mum we'd be fighting over who cleaned it up. Are you always this cold?

Sirzy · 30/03/2017 07:17

I didn't read it as her mother doing it to her at all. She said her mother did it to the cat and the OP admitted to making her toddler clean up after herself Hmm

SoupDragon · 30/03/2017 07:18

Not an observation, a complete hypothesis.

And also irrelvant. It's still truly nasty tomake a toddler clear up poo. Worse even thsn making her mother clear up urine. The Op has serious problems.

user1474371557 · 30/03/2017 07:18

Assuming the OP is not a troll - boy o boy you have some serious mental issues - you really do. Firstly you are comparing your mother to a cat!!!!! And you use the word "senile" which is now considered derogatory when it should be dementia.

But this thread has to be a wind up as no-one but no-one could think and act like the OP.

Mulberry72 · 30/03/2017 07:20

Sorry OP but I think you YABU!

Your poor, poor Mum, you no doubt completely humiliated her. I'd have sorted it out with the minimum of fuss, and then had gentle chat about taking her to the GP for help. Be nice OP, it's not hard!

Lessthanaballpark · 30/03/2017 07:21

This thread has made me sad. My mum did so much for me and when the time comes I hope I'll have the compassion to step up for her.

mrssmith79 · 30/03/2017 07:22

YANBU. Nothing to be gained by infantilizing a grown woman with full faculties. Your approach was maybe a little heavy handed but it's done now.

londonrach · 30/03/2017 07:24

Yabu and abit mean. Id have just quickly cleaned it without making a fuss. Its life. You right about getting help though

maddiemookins16mum · 30/03/2017 07:28

This thread has also upset me a bit. I'd never have done that to my mum (who suffered a similar condition and we often had mad dashes to the loo). I would hate for you to look back on this incident in a few years OP and regret your heavy handness. I do however understand your frustration/concern that your mum wasn't doing anything about it.
Be nice to your mum.

flumpybear · 30/03/2017 07:30

Tell her t go to the doctors I think there's a small operation they can do to help as my ex step mum had something done about 20 years ago
I'd also probably insist on incontinence pads form my car if it was that bad and she was travelling in my car

SookiesSocks · 30/03/2017 07:31

I have read the thread again trying to look at it from the OPs and some of her supports view point.

I just cant agree with it.

I cant see how standing over her like she was a naughty child was ok.
The older generation can be very private about things like this and that mind set does stop them seeking help. Yes it should not be like that but understanding why is much more helpful.
The mum did not do it out of spite and I can only imagine how embaressed and humiliated she felt.
I could not do that to another person.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 07:33

Im not saying what she did was great and amazing.

Just that im sure many carers have occasionally acted in less than saintly ways.

Like many people have shouted at their toddlers and then regretted it.

LouKout · 30/03/2017 07:33

People are human

CosyCoupe88 · 30/03/2017 07:35

At the moment I haven't seen anything from the OP that suggests she regrets it though