AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

She marched her out there and stood over her while she cleaned. I doubt the kindness was coming off the OP in waves.

This was taking away her dignity.
How you respond and treat people who need support is very telling of the person you are.

You stick to your idea its ok Blue thats fine.
I am happy with the fact that I would not treat my mum that way and I would just clean it up because I am kind.

Oh, this is bollocks.

Of course there are comparisons to carers and the consequences if a carer treated a resident like this. (And it doesnt just apply to dementia, all residents have the same right to dignity and compassion) The level of care and compassion from a family member should well exceed that of paid residential staff members.

There is something really wrong about the OPs posts in this thread. This cannot only be about this one incident, an attitude to another's dignity like this would colour a whole life. I also suspect a troll.

OP if you are for real, then man up and apologise. If you want to justify yourself with stuff about cats etc, then do that and carry on living your life your way. However, you did post here, so presumably you knew deep down that what you did was not justifiable. Maybe you just need to contact your own conscience?

Oh, this is bollocks.

It is bollocks. 1st sign of a troll is that they post. Go quiet then come back and start posting and replying to posts. Classic troll behaviour.

Why someone would find this type of troll posting about urine sexually gratifying is beyond my comprehension.

@LaLaCascada @Bleu2 OP, you made a poor choice in how you dealt with an old lady, who deserves your respect and compassion. When considering that that old lady was also your mum, the lack of compassion and respect you showed is pretty stupendous. You really haven't portrayed yourself in the best light either, especially as your posts have gone on. That being said, I agree with Bleu2 that the vitriol displayed towards you here is genuinely awful. Those posters wishing incontinence and awful things on the OP and telling her you'd be ashamed if she were your daughter, ought to be ashamed of yourselves. It's very easy to annihilate someone you don't know from behind a screen based on a snapshot of their life.

It might be helpful for both you and your mum to read up on all of the causes of incontinence and the help available to manage the issue. This way, if she is informed when she visits her GP she will be able to explain her symptoms which can sometimes be difficult. Perhaps you could call her and say you didn't handle things too well and want to help her get the right treatment? Incontinence can be helped and as a previous poster mentioned should not be considered a normal part of old age - there are various ways of managing the issues from avoiding certain foods that can irritate the bladder, through to kegels, bio feedback to assist with making sure your kegels are effective, through to surgery. Good luck to your mum - I hope she can get help so she can enjoy going out without worrying.

amberdilly also they say 'hot beverage'

Oh is this like the thread where a woman on a train was bursting for a wee? Started by some perv with a fetish for stories about women emptying their bladders?

I think you were very mean, still are being now with your posts and I'm seriously wtaf at the cat comparison

I had an epileptic seizure last week. I pissed myself and it through my tongue. My lovely lovely DP cleaned me up, put me in a bath, changed and cleaned the bed and then helped dress me after.

By your standards, where would I be? Genuinely fearful of having a seizure in public when DP isn't around if there are people with your attitude 😔

yabu

Bit* through my tongue

Femanie - Sorry but 30 odd years ago pelvic floor exercises were well known. As were quick and efficient ops to tighten the pelvic floor for 30-50 year olds. With the NHS as it is, probably no longer available for 70 year olds so OP's DM has possibly missed the boat through ignorance/bad GPs/reluctance to consult doctors..

I agree this was humiliation for the OP's DM - who was wearing TENA pants and flooded though apparently could have used a loo earlier. What intervention does the OP think medics can now do to help her ma that her drastic action might precipitate?

Does anyone have a link to best practice?

People aren't troll hunting on here are they?

As Bette Davies said, "Old age ain't no place for sissies".I understand it can be frustrating caring for a person that won't get the help they need but I think you were harsh. You should say sorry and try to do better in future. When my late mother was poorly and had accidents I only mentioned it very mildly in passing once but she was obviously upset; I never did again. I just took her underwear / clothes home so my DF wouldn't have to deal with it and washed it or bought her new things if I didn't have the stomach to deal with it myself. I remember a lovely member of staff in Neil's Yard recommending relaxing body oils for her when her skin was fragile and giving me sachets of cream for her to try - she was so grateful.

Well. You're nasty, unkind and unreasonable. If you're real.

HTH

I think you should apologise!

She's your mum, and you sound like a cunt to be honest.

Neal's Yard!

I read your op with a mixture of horror (at your reaction) and sympathy for your mum. I think her reaction is based purely in humiliation, poor woman. It calls to mind twenty years ago when walking back to my flat, less than five minutes away, I turned to see my dad weeing up a wall. I was horrified, and told him so. Turns out he'd been diagnosed with MS not long before but was almost trying to ignore it and it's effects and certainly didn't want to worry me with it. Not suggesting it's the same but maybe your mum already knows why it happened but just can't speak to you about it.

I think someone's getting off on this.

The point I was making is about men making decisions from a position of strength.

The law is there to protect the week.

This is, without doubt, the saddest thing I've read all day. Your poor, poor mum.

YABU. She must've felt awful. All you did was humiliate her further. What would've been wrong with you cleaning it up and just having a quiet word about her seeing the doctor? Feel very sorry for your poor mother.

If the OP's (probably fictional) mother was vulnerable and her dignity was compromised, please explain why the mother needed no assistance to "sort herself out" -changing/washing etc on arrival home?