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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

267 replies

Brighteyes27 · 28/03/2017 23:12

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

OP posts:

Laiste · 29/03/2017 13:30

Ah. Missed the age of the kids

However, just to point out there are many cars with only 2 belts in the back, and i know what a squish it was getting my 3 teens across the back of my old car with 3. One adult bum in the middle of 2 tens would have made a very uncomfy ride.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2017 13:30

I would then put it to him to choose. Either she comes Easter Saturday and goes Tuesday/Wednesday or she comes the following Thursday to look after the kids Thurs/Fri and stays till Sunday or some such. Anything else doesn't work and he needs to sort this one out himself. You are compromising. She will have to as well. Your dh sounds like he's lacking attention from his mum. Or at least he did growing up. Really needs deprogramming to stop trying to please his mother and start pleasing his wife. I know it's hard when you're tired. I'm the queen of tired - well more than tired - as I have chronic fatigue (ME). So good luck and don't let the bastard let you down .

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2017 13:30

Sorry the bastards. I don't think you Dh is a bastard.

Laiste · 29/03/2017 13:30

teens not tens.

sticklebrix · 29/03/2017 13:36

Your family sounds under so much pressure that it would be v reasonable to insist on Sat-Tues IMO.

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 29/03/2017 13:38

Bleh, what is it with men and their mothers

HarryPottersMagicWand · 29/03/2017 13:43

I think you are giving in too much tbh. You had plans for that weekend, whether it involved going away or slobbing about in pyjamas for days. It's not her home. She doesn't get to tell you what she is doing. She is a guest, she needs to fit in when it is convenient for you as well. Personally I would have said you would be happy to have her the weekend before or after but Easter Weekend you are busy.

Your DH can sod off with not being happy. He's happy to upset you but not his mum. Priorities are wrong there. I also wouldn't lift a finger, let him do all of the running around after her and planning. Why should it fall to you to deal with his mum.

Middleagedmumoftwo · 29/03/2017 13:47

Is it do able to book a couple of days away that makes her place en route? So you could go away and go and see her on the way home for the afternoon? Just a thought. I can tell you my mother in law is in a similar situation although closer to us, and there's no way I'd be having her camping out at my house for days when I'd planned to go away, especially as it's so needed at the moment. You're a saint for even considering it!

Petal02 · 29/03/2017 14:04

I think Saturday-Tuesday is an excellent compromise, and don't forget that MIL is your guest, and therefore shouldn't be calling the shots .....

Sat-Tues will ensure she's not alone on Easter Sunday or Bank Holiday Monday (probably the more difficult days of the weekend for someone recently bereaved) and I think this is a very generous offer on your part.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 29/03/2017 14:12

Any possibility of looking for a holiday cottage, B&B, Centre Parc etc in MiL's general vicinity Thurs-Tues, so you and dc and dh when he's not working can walk, do the holidays things and eat out, and schedule some trips and meals out with MiL during that time? She gets to keep her routine and tv programmes and sleep routines, but still gets the company and distraction, and to be part of the holiday for the bits she'd enjoy, while you get a break and don't have to rush around hosting. Is it near enough that Dh could drive up or take the train up to join you for the parts he can get away from work?

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2017 14:15

"and I think this is a very generous offer on your part."

"very generous"?

To have an elderly and very recently bereaved family member to stay for 3 days? Blimey!

dreamingofsun · 29/03/2017 14:22

bertran - they had her for a week last month though. And surely the rest of the family needs some consideration too, plus its not 3 days - thats what the poster is angling for - its currently 5 nights and 6 days - ie all the time they have off from work.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2017 14:25

She's a grieving family member. It's tough, but has to be done.

dreamingofsun · 29/03/2017 14:29

but surely other family members are grieving too.....maybe not so significantly but they too qualify for some slack especially if they have to juggle work/kids/etc etc. how long should MIL's needs dominate and its not like she's being ignored the whole time?

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2017 14:32

But because she's a family member, don'5 do any rushing around "hosting". Tell her you're in holiday mode and she'll have to take you as she finds you.

Borrow another telly and set it up in her room. Say "tonight we all want to watch X- but I'm happy to put Y on in your room if you like" and send children in with cups of tea every 30 minutes or so.

Tell her in advance that on Saturday and Monday (or whatever) you have prearranged to do Z-what would she like to do that day?.when my mum was very elderly, she quite often came with us to things and we set her up in the cafe or even sometimes in the car with a picnic and books and so on. She enjoyed being semi involved.

But be kind.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2017 14:32

dreaming

Losing your partner/husband is far easier than losing your parent or step parent as an adult.

I say that as someone, who lost my father in my teens and my stepfather two weeks ago. Never lost a partner though.

Her needs shouldn't dominate forever, I know. But this is recent, isn't it? We aren't even in April and it happened this year.

Petal02 · 29/03/2017 14:40

Losing your partner/husband is far easier than losing your parent as an adult

Not sure I agree with that, but even so, the OP isn’t saying she can’t come, she’s just offering a slightly shorter stay than was requested.

Rachel0Greep · 29/03/2017 14:47

Stick to your guns, OP. It does sound like you all badly need a break.

You may need to become a bit heedless to the comments about stuff not being done. Nod and wave, as the saying goes. (I know there have been far better suggestions than mine but you know what I mean).

I would take out the Hoover, and basically do everything as you would normally. And, yes, DH needs to step it up, as regards being there.

Lots of and maybe for you.

kiwiquest · 29/03/2017 14:48

Stay strong. Oh and yes let the ball drop, tell him to sort dinner, if there is no shopping done, no dinner then don't take any crap that, that is your fault. Just an "Oh dear DH did you not bother to organise anything, well I've been terribly busy working too. You had better ring for a takeaway then". Waltz out room, drink wine and look completely uninterested in the kitchen.
The more you solve his problems or take the blame for him not doing his share the less likely he will ever change.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2017 15:09

"Losing your partner/husband is far easier than losing your parent as an adult"

I'm assuming that's a typo.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2017 15:20

Bertrand it's not a typo. Not written terribly well. I'm not well at all today - I have ME. As adults, we expect our parents to die before us as the natural order of things. By the sounds of it, ops fil was in his 70's. When we lose someone we have married or lived with for much of our lives and who is similar in age to us, I think it's far more devastating. This is a companion and also makes the partner left behind acutely aware of their mortality and likely future demise. I have my own life (not much of one admittedly) and my own family. My mother on the other hand has just lost her second husband and is bereaved for a second time. Far more devastating for her. This is what I meant and I hope it's clearer.

QuiteUnfitBit · 29/03/2017 15:25

I don't know if it's because more households now are under stress, and have two adults working, and little free time, but it seems to me that people are very unwilling to put themselves out for an aging parent who has just lost their husband. Everything's me me me - I'm not talking about the original poster here, but some of the replies. Obviously, her DH needs to step up. There's such a lack of kindness, empathy and duty here. I agree with BertrandRussell. She only lost her husband this year. She must be devastated, and looking to her family to provide some support.

ChristopherWren · 29/03/2017 15:36

'Losing a partner/husband is far easier than losing a parent as an adult'. Maybe I misunderstand this but having been widowed and lost my parents I can't agree with this.

Anyway OP, you really don't want this woman in your home over Easter so someone needs to tell her. You have lots of excuses. Personally I think it's sad that you can't accommodate your husband's grieving mother. She is close family and it is hard to be alone at holiday times when you have recently lost someone. I wouldn't be able to do it.

dreamingofsun · 29/03/2017 15:45

i think some of you are being a little harsh on the OP as you haven't read all her email. She isn't saying MIL can't come for Easter - she is asking if she comes for 3 nights, so that she can have 2 nights to do other things....things the family wants to do but MIL can't

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2017 15:57

Mummy- reading your update, I think it was a typo!

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