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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

267 replies

Brighteyes27 · 28/03/2017 23:12

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 29/03/2017 16:10

Personally I think it's sad that you can't accommodate your husband's grieving mother

Let's try that again - I think it's sad that DH can't accommodate his grieving mother

DH is putting OPnin this situation - she has offered the week before and the week after - she has asked to deuce the time over Easter - she spends all weekend accommodating a guest who doesn't want to be a good guest!

IsItMeOr · 29/03/2017 16:13

But we have no idea whether the grieving MIL "needs" this particular 5-day weekend more than the OP or her nuclear family "need" to have a nuclear family only break.

Unless it was a particular tradition to do something at Easter, but even that is unlikely to demand all 5 days, rather than just 1-3.

OP, only you and DH know what DMIL is going to find particularly difficult in the weeks, months and years after losing DFIL. We make a special effort at Christmas because DMIL and DSIL always spent it together. And DH spends his sister's birthday with his mum each year, and they spend it reminiscing/remembering her.

Everybody has needs, and being bereaved doesn't trump absolutely anything else that is going on. Life is complicated.

My DMIL is a loving, kind, compassionate and thoughtful woman, who brings a lot to our family. Even so we have had to gradually figure out what works for all of us (DS has ASD, so our home family life can be a bit complicated).

Flowers for you, OP.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2017 16:15

How about " I think it's sad that this bereaved family isn't being kind to each other"

ElisavetaFartsonira · 29/03/2017 16:16

I don't know if it's because more households now are under stress, and have two adults working, and little free time, but it seems to me that people are very unwilling to put themselves out for an aging parent who has just lost their husband.

That's fine as long as you're including all the other people in the family who've not done any putting out of selves either.

Original poster
Brighteyes27 · 29/03/2017 16:29

To be fair we all really need a break including DH and we're not going to get it with MIL there. FIL died mid Jan. We all spent 3 days with her before and after funeral early Feb, my DC's looked after and entertained their little cousins who were also there who are less than half their ages and did a Stirling job. But it was very stressful for us all and them but obviously more so for DH and MIL. We also had a 7 day visit from MIL in Feb and DH has spent two full weekends with MIL on his own since then. He has also planned a long weekend with her in April after Easter. He calls and FaceTimes her regularly but it is never enough. I am offering Sat to Tues max over easwith DH taking the lead or she can chose an alternative weekend. If SIL had even called to see if we could host MIL for weekend as they wanted to go away but they have had more weekends away than Mick recently.

OP posts:
Petal02 · 29/03/2017 16:29

For heaven's sake - has no one actually read the thread?? The OP is offering her MIL a Sat-Tues stay, over the Easter weekend - why are we still being critical??

The OP will have Thurs/Fri to have a break, so that sounds like a pretty good compromise.

Valentine2 · 29/03/2017 16:30

YABVU.
She is family and has just lost her life partner of 30 years. That's enough to make people loose it with grief and all she wants is to spend a good holiday with one of her children.
I wonder why didn't all of you plan around her when she is facing such a hard time? You could all make these holidays about her and that would have helped her massively I am sure. One Easter for her when she has just lost the man of her life and father of your husband is not much, is it?

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 29/03/2017 16:35

Unfortunately a lot of the be kind posts are based on a belief that a wife should sacrifice her own wellbeing and needs if anyone else in the family has needs, and it's selfish and wrong for her to hesitate or show unwilling or resentment. And to consider things like her own wants and preferences and own plans instead of embracing other people's wants, preferences and plans is really unacceptable. There's almost no suggestion that the other woman in the situation might be expected to be equally sensitive to the needs and feelings of the others in the situation.

I wonder how many people want their daughters to believe that when they grow up, everyone else's needs and feelings should take precedence over theirs?

QuiteUnfitBit · 29/03/2017 16:36

That's fine as long as you're including all the other people in the family who've not done any putting out of selves either.
I wasn't particularly including the OP, as she has put herself out. I was talking about quite a few of the replies!

Doyouwantabrew · 29/03/2017 16:36

Ffs read the whole thread and updates instead of just the op and then posting bile to kick the op.

Original poster
Brighteyes27 · 29/03/2017 16:45

Thanks do you want a brew et al. MIL lives 5 mins away from her DD and boyfriend they see her at least once/twice a week, an hour from her DS he usually visits for a couple of hours once or twice a week during the day and he has had her to stay for a week with his family as he travels around with so can easily accommodate this. She also has friends in the flat/housing place she sees at least twice a week as well as her 3 of FIL's relatives who visit and call regularly, some ex work colleagues she sees to be fair she seems to be doing ok for support. We have never regularly spent any particular holiday including Easter with MIL.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 29/03/2017 16:51

Do the sun holidays.

Nicotina · 29/03/2017 17:02

I know she's a pain in the arse but give a little. Your DH certainly needs to do more but this woman is grieving and could probably do with a change of scene.
It will be hard to accommodate her but I think you, Dh and kids should. I know you are going through tough times too and she may well only add to the day to day aggro. But she might help too.

SeaCabbage · 29/03/2017 17:02

Valentine and others, whilst in an ideal world the family could make this Easter "all about her" (the MIL) there are three huge relevant factors.

One the OP adn her family are exhausted,

two, they have already had MIL to stay and OP's husband has been up to stay twice with her and

three, the OP is being diplomatic but quite frankly the MIIL doesn't sound like a very nice person and sounds extremely difficult to be around.

Just because her husband has died doesnt' suddenly make her bearable. The OP is exhausted, needs a break and her DH is expecting her to do all the work.

OP I would definitely stick to your guns re Saturday. That way you can hopefully spend from now until then looking forward to Easter rather than being very stressed and resentful. AND MAKE SURE YOUR DH DOES MOST OF THE WORK.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2017 17:12

"I wonder how many people want their daughters to believe that when they grow up, everyone else's needs and feelings should take precedence over theirs?"

I don'5 think that for a second. I do think that a recently bereaved person''s needs and feelings should, if at all possible, take precedence. Regardless of sex.

However, as I said earlier. No excessive hosting. Tell MIL that they are in holiday mode, so take as found. Make sure that there are definite plans for a couple of the days. And make sure there's another telly somewhere.

Veronicat · 29/03/2017 17:18

Tell her you're going camping and she's welcome to join you.
It is a bit shut if youve been looking forward to some stress free time off. Maybe she could come Friday/ Saturday and you and the kids have Sunday/Monday?

dreamingofsun · 29/03/2017 17:20

betrand - so its ok to say 'come to my home and stay, make yourself at home you are family, here's the TV and kettle, help yourself to food' and we are going fell walking you are welcome to come (but as you know they can't walk further than 50 ft on the flat they wont and will end up sitting by themselves). this is kinder than saying - please come for 3 days, as that will be great and fits in with our current plans, and we can work around your needs then and make you feel welcome and spend time with you

Ontopofthesunset · 29/03/2017 17:27

But they're unlikely to go fell walking every day, so she still might prefer company in the morning and evening. She only lost her husband 8 or 9 weeks ago - her grief must be very raw. I understand why the OP is unhappy about it, I really do - it doesn't sound like what she needs right now. But it's a bit like putting up with all those sleepless nights when your children are sick. You don't enjoy it and they don't thank you but you love them and they need you.

phoenix1973 · 29/03/2017 17:42

Just say no. Sometimes you have to for your sanity. No shame in it. There are other weekends.
If you're not careful you will set a precedent. It will be expected EVERY Easter.

Astro55 · 29/03/2017 17:46

I do think that a recently bereaved person''s needs and feelings should, if at all possible, take precedence

I do wonder if you read the threads

OP is doing her best to accommodate MIl - week before - week after - shorter Easter break so there is also time for OP and the kids down time -

DH being onboard to help with his mothers stay etc

MIL should not be accommodated at the expense of everyone else!

P1nkP0ppy · 29/03/2017 18:06

I'm 100% with you op, I couldn't have had my MIL for a day let alone over a BH!
I'm a MIL, I have adult DCs and wouldn't dream of imposing upon them let alone expect to be waited on hand, foot and finger. Ok she's recently bereaved but you've seen her regularly and you need a break.
I'd leave DH to get on with it and book a couple of days away with or without the children. My DH would absolve himself of doing anything for his mother until I pointed out that she was his mother not mine.
Good luck!

redpickle · 29/03/2017 18:10

The fact that you are having some leave at home, rather than abroad doesn't mean that you're less in need of/entitled to a proper break.

You've told her when she can come to your home and when she can't. Surely that's the end of the conversation. You're being supportive in her time of grief but that doesn't mean you don't get to have some 'holiday' time.

AntiGrinch · 29/03/2017 18:11

BertrandRussell is sending mixed messages

1 - put the widowed person first
2 - but live your own life! Don't be cowed by her!

these things are a bit tricky to reconcile if you aren't a naturally assertive, or even dominating / controlling person. we know from the way that that the OP's posts are going that she isn't really. and I think MIL is the type not to be backward in coming forward. putting on her programmes; requesting certain side dishes; ouch! I would be nervous about even saying "what's for dinner" in someone else's house - sounds very cheeky to me - and "what are you making us?" even more so. If someone came and made themselves at home with their feet on my sofa and talked me like that, it would certainly put my back up. but it's designed not to be challengeable. It's a "know your place" manner that is about pecking order. the OP feels drained and beleaguered by this and I don't blame her.

The dynamic here is one where MIL is assuming a certain level of servile deference from her DIL; the OP's DH is buying into that for the period of time she is there at least; and you are putting a huge burden on the OP's shoulders if you expect her to re-make that dynamic over night.

Yes it would be good to get there.
First she has to get her DH on side. that is a battle and a half in itself.
Starting by cutting down the time is a part of remaking that dynamic. Yes, we would like to have you; yes we care about you; no you don't get to just call the shots about everything for 4 days. It's a start.

I wonder how the OP is getting on - is she having the conversatino with her DH now?

Strength, Brighteyes!

Original poster
Brighteyes27 · 29/03/2017 18:12

Thanks Astro55 I am not a heartless you know what I just feel that Thurs-to Tues or longer is too much for us all at that time and at the moment with everything else going on. I can't take any time off before Thurs the first week and I can only take the Tuesday off after Easter or I would do that and host and take it on the chin for the whole time she wants to visit. But my immediate family come first and we really do need a couple of days all together without being on our best behaviour for all our sakes and mental health. MIL was an only child as a kid and a bit spoilt. Think DH doesn't want her to throw her toys out the pram but me and DC's may lose ours or come very close to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brighteyes27 · 29/03/2017 18:36

Anti grinch you have it exactly DH is late home tonight so I will see him when kids in bed.

He said he told MIL on phone last night he wasn't sure what we were doing and what he would be doing job wise by then as everything is still up in the air. He said he tried to put her off. He's had a stressful time of it with work. She made him promise to let her know ASAP as she is pressurising as wants to book her train tickets early yet she only announced her visit last night. He said she said we can go out if we want without her and she'll stay home if we have something on but to me that wouldn't be right but if anyone stayed with her it would have to be DH especially if she gets her way and it ends up Thurs to Tues or beyond. Thanks all.

OP posts: