Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

[Brighteyes27]

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

Btw, it doesn't matter what your MIL thinks re HW and men.
It's not because she is here that he should behave like you we all back to the 1950s because that's what she believes in.
This is totally disrespectful of you.
And 'your house, your rules' applies very well there. In your house, men do some HW and care for their own mother.

He is just usingbthat as an excuse not to do the hard work coming withnhaving his mum staying over.

i agree with cheby. let her visit but on your terms. cancel a bit of your leave, and your husband needs to look after his mum not do DIY.

I don't agree with your 'the others live in a 5 bed house so they should have her' comment. We live in one ourselves and you would still have to feed and deal with the person - which is a lot of the effort

Only just spotted this:

"MIL aid of the generation he works hard so wifey should do all domestic chores "

you and DH need to form a united front about tackling this.

I am only just grasping the subtext about her policing your housework (not allowed to sit down, "what are you doing now" etc).

OK this is massively stressful. First you have to sort your own head out. You've internalised housewife guilt. Kill it.

then you have to get with DH and form strategies about how not only how he steps up, but how he visibly fully supports you in a more modern division of labour.

He might be sneaking off to do DIY, not only because it is easier, and he is being lazy; but also to preserve his status in his mother's eyes.

Nip that shit in the bud.

Book a time with your DH and have all this out. Set it up like a meeting - in the calendar, kids out or in bed - and have this conversation properly.

He might get angry. He might be a dick. then you'll know what you're dealing with.

I'm a MIL, Granny and I also have a young DS at home.
I agree that burden is the right word because having guests means a lot of extra effort for the host.
I do stay with my adult DS on occasion (last time was 3 years ago for 5 days) and they also try to visit us annually as we live abroad.
Regardless of circumstances, I think it's unfair to impose yourself on family for any length of time just because you're feeling lonely. I have a busy life with lots of friends but I realise that some older parents and their adult children have an almost co-dependant relationship which I personally think is very unhealthy.

Interesting that SIL hasn't actually booked her holiday yet either, she seems to be in around the same place as you are wrt plans, and yet her not quite established arrangements are trumping yours. That, plus the fact that you mention being her last choice, makes me think there's a bit of a pecking order in the family? With you at the bottom? Which may well be part of the reason why you're finding this idea so very stressful.

too much going on in your family. Step back. Sorry about MIL but you need a break.

Is it so bad for a MIL to come, watch a bit of tv, have a lie in, and expect to have tea provided when she's a guest? When she's just lost her husband of 30 years? My own MIL is dead, but I'd happily do that, because I know how I'd feel if my DH had just died.

But she is not watching a bit of telly, she wants only her programmes the whole time. Sleeping in til 10am when your family are creeping around you is rude IMO. She has just been bereaved but surely keeping herself busy (by maybe mucking in with the cooking a bit) would help keep her mind off it. The OP's family have also been bereaved, FIL was their family too, so a bit of give and take is required on both sides. ATM it seems to be OP doing all the compromising.

There is etiquette to being a good guest as well as being a good host.

"makes me think there's a bit of a pecking order in the family? With you at the bottom?"

Yes I think this is perceptive.

I also think that this might be playing into the DH's extra-manly show of DIY etc as ways of getting out of entertaining his mother. he might be (unconsciously) sensitive about his siblings' bigger houses, better holiday plans, etc, and he might be overcompensating at home, showing that at least he is master of his castle and has a dutiful wife.

How close to his siblings is your DH? Would you be able to borrow their big house for Easter? Make it a sort of holiday for you, more room for MIL?

Have read your posts and responses (mostly), I would cancel my annual leave. Do something in the May holiday with the children. Annual leave is too precious to waste and you may find it useful later in regard to your job situation.

It sounds to me like you really need a break. Could you compromise by having her to stay for 2 nights and maybe just bite the bullet and book a couple of nights away for yourselves over Easter? I think it would be awkward to pretend that you are going away as the kids could end up dropping you in it. If she does end up coming for the whole time, make sure you plan something for yourself for one afternoon of her visit - go out with some friends or have a spa treatment. You need to put yourself first sometimes.

OP, I am a MIL and a grandmother and have been married for 39 years. I'm wondering how old your MIL is. She is coming across as very elderly and frail. If you were my DIL I would love to go fell walking with you and would be bored rigid by garden centres and tea shops!

Yes 80sMum I agree I have asked the op How old the mil is as she sounds like my dm whose 85!!!

I am a gran and mil too and can walk the pants off the lot of them and I detest garden centre teas.

All my contempaties all 40/50 are in high pressure jobs or living busy lives doing charity work etc. And massively busy social lives

If you have young children op how old is your mil?

Tell DH he is nominated to spend Bank Holiday Monday with her while you and the kids go out, and he can take her for tea at the local garden centre. When he objects, that's your cue to start the wider conversation about her being HIS mother and therefore he needs to take a bigger role in planning for and entertaining her. Travelledtheworld had good suggestions about making it a more manageable visit.

Slightly off-topic, but what is it about older people wanting to go away and yet do exactly the same things as they'd do at home? Watch daytime TV, nap on the couch, stay in bed til late?

Surely, if you go to stay with other people, you fit in around their routines, you don't insist they turn the TV on at 10am so they can watch 'Loose Women' 'just like at home'. That's what home is for! You go away to do stuff with other people that they enjoy, to invigorate your own life. I know, if you are elderly or infirm it's harder, but...God, do they have to be so Set In Their Ways?

Tell her she is welcome Sat to Monday but that you are all exhausted, and Sunday will either be out/or picnic lunch from M and S etc.

Explain dcs need fresh air and exercise and so do you. Are they young enough for you to take out, while she sets up massive Easter egg hunt for them at home? Does she drive? Can you go for hike and let her drive to meet you at some point for tea?

She probably wants company, not fussy food, and to be part of the family.

Would you feel differently if this was your mother?

On the whole in mn land the majority of dm's are welcomed mil's are a burden, just tell her you can't be arsed with her coming that week, then she will know what a burden she is and not bother you again

Surely that will depend on whether her own mother is this obnoxious?

Is Easter such a big deal to her? I can't see why to her that's any different to any weekend (assuming she's not also working). I'd suggest she come another weekend or a few weekdays of the children's holiday.

I imagine it's because of the long weekend. Lots of things that are usually open are shut. Not just work, but if eg she goes to a coffee morning or art class on Fridays usually, it won't be on. That type of thing. And people are often away. So if she normally has a brew with a neighbour, they might be visiting family that weekend. That type of thing.

You shouldn't see it as being last choice. She has to ring someone first. If I wanted to see my siblings I'd call according to who seemed to be around, not by order of favourite.

If she needs support you should be there for her, I think. Put yourself in her shoes and run through all your scenarios as if it's you in her place in 40 years time. You'll know if you're being U or not.

Reading the thread I'd say it's pretty likely that if this were the OP's mother, the OP would be stepping up and doing all the arranging/work/entertaining.

So the "what if it was your mother?" argument is irrelevant.

OP, the only way to deal with her visiting is if you've agreed explicitly with your DH that this time he isn't allowed to hide like a teenager and has to spend much of the time with her.

OP, I'm going against the grain here, but I think you need this break. You sound very caring towards your MIL, and have been very accommodating, but life has to go on. Go on holiday with your DH and children, family time is precious, make some memories, your DH will be working away soon.MIL is not alone, she can visit later.
Otherwise go back to work and let your DH crack on.

I understand where you're coming from.
But your MIL is family, and she obviously needs you and to be around you and your children. Would you act differently if this were your own Mother?