Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

[Brighteyes27]

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

I spend far more time with my DMIL than my DM, because of geography, family make up and circumstances.

This doesn't mean that we don't have boundaries around how much we can do for her in terms of supporting her after her bereavement (DSIL, her only other child - she's 20+ years divorced).

This means that we include her in our Christmas plans, even though we might find it easier not to sometimes. It also means that we/DH politely decline her repeated requests to join us on our family holidays away, as we know that wouldn't work for DH and me.

DMIL doesn't have the same context and information as we do. So it's fine for her to ask us to do anything that seems like a great idea to her. It's also fine for us to say no if it really doesn't work for us.

Good luck with your job news OP, and hope you get the time to recharge your batteries that it sounds like you sorely need.

You need to start doing some insisting yourself then.

Insist that you have plans Easter weekend, but that she is welcome the weekend before or after.

When she's here, insist that DH entertains her/ does some of the cooking/does his share of the housework.

I fully understand that she's recently bereaved and wants to spend time with her family, but you also have your children to consider, so it's entirely reasonable to compromise with a date that suits everyone.

Holiday periods/bank holidays etc are hard when your life is in a bad place. So whilst I can understand why your MIL would like to come and stay with you, I can equally understand why you could do without it.

Could you compromise, and just have her stay Sunday/Monday, ie half the Easter weekend?

zaphod nope don't know any older people who are like that!

How old is your mil op?

Given the bereavement I'd cut her some slack and let her come. However I'd cut your husband no slack and change my annual leave and ask him what he's planning to do for meals while she's here etc. Hoover when you usually hoover, be friendly and welcoming but refer all food queries to her son. Tell your husband you think it's better all round to divide it so you do the donkey work for your visiting friends and family and he does it for his, that way you minimise risking resenting visits.
If you get cabin fever outside of Easter Sunday, just ask generally what plans are and if the response is a variation of sitting around doing nothing, announce you are going out for a bit and leg it. Perhaps you could go the tip via Caffè Nero or whatever, being a helpful sort.
Don't be a martyr, it's a terrible bore and nobody thanks you for it.

In the future, don't let her dictate the timings of her visits. Suggest alternatives or tell her you are flat out at the moment and will get back to her when life calms down.

I empathise - we don't have the "luxury" of DMIL coming to visit us, we have to go to her still. (DFIL died 18 months ago, DH and DSIL are only just getting to reduce alternating weekends visiting her, while DBIL, well, I'm not quite sure what he does other than expecting her to continue doing the school runs for him and not get her hearing aid appointments because they clash with school run times....he lives next door!).

DD and I have not gone all that often - we did a lot while DFIL was ill (5 weeks) and in the immediate aftermath. And every single bank holiday for over a year, last Easter, both Christmases, etc. etc. But DD has Cub Scouts on Saturdays, and I am a leader there, so I can't take too many weeks out, meaning we have stayed here without DH many other weekends (and as he travels at least 1-2 night every week for work as well, that's a lot of abandonment that DMIL doesn't recognize). She also doesn't want me to take time to see my family when we visit (we grew up 15 miles apart, which is 250 miles from where we live) - not that she doesn't want me to see them, but manipulates it and has reasons why I can't go, or makes me feel guilty for going out for 1-2 hours of a weekend visit (Fri evening to Sun afternoon, staying in DMILs).

So while we went down for Christmas, we went back to what we'd done many times in the past - rented a cottage (Christmas-time its necessary, we've found over the years - the rest is fine to stay with either family). This Easter, we will visit but spend more time at my family's holiday house, which has always been the Easter tradition. And we didn't go down for the last bank holiday earlier this month - which was probably the first one in 18 months that we spent in our own home.

In your case, I would suggest that you do ask her to change her dates, and only come on Saturday. Do a day out on the Thurs/Fri with your own family - let your DH get out into the Fells and have some time to get to grips with HIS loss as well, and you all get the fresh air and exercise that it sounds like you really need.

Plan ahead a little for Saturday's dinner, but ask for DMIL's company in the kitchen to prepare it. Or even get DH to prepare it with her. Look at the tv schedules in advance, and if there's something there that YOU or the FAMILY would like to watch, say it early on (not immediately on arrival, but when you are sitting over a cuppa maybe) that "oh, by the way you hope she doesn't mind but we saw that X is on at 8pm, and we are really looking forward to it so we'll be changing the tv channel at that stage, would you like a slice of cake that DD made/went and bought especially with your tea..." moving swiftly along to other matters, fait accompli style.

If a DC has to sleep on the couch, then I'd be inclined to move everyone else along to bed no later than about 11, because it has been a long few weeks and everyone needs a good sleep. (Perhaps mention this earlier as well). Make noises like "DS you are looking really tired, would anyone, including you DMIL, like a hot water bottle or Horlicks or hot chocolate etc before going to bed?" at maybe 10.45 or so, to start everyone moving along nicely. (Could the DC sleeping on the couch be persuaded to start yawning on cue?!).

Sunday - yes I know it's a pain, but a "proper" Sunday lunch should be organized - whether that's at home or somewhere nice but reasonably local. If you are likely to get comments on Saturday evening, you could do a lot of the prep in advance (perhaps even with all the rest of the family involved) for peeling veg, making stuffing if you are so inclined, doing dessert etc. You could set the table for breakfast. Those sorts of jobs - and get the DCs involved as well as DH.

Sunday morning - I'd suggest either going to Church (if that's your thing, particularly in light of DFIL's recent death it may be something some want to do), or getting a nice bunch of Sunday papers and some nice croissants etc for a good breakfast, sitting over coffee and relaxing. If cooking roast dinner at home, do a version that requires meat in and then ignored for a long time, then a tray of potatoes and some veg doing late morning - which can be prepped in advance or done last minute. But take time to slow down in between.

Maybe go to a garden centre in the afternoon, as much to see if there's anything you'd like too, now that spring is coming. It might be nice to see if there's a favourite plant of DFIL that either your family or DMIL or both may like to have this year.

Again, have something noticed on tv for a part of the evening, or maybe suggest a board game/cards or something together instead? And have another early-ish night.

While not rushing DMIL out on Monday (or Tuesday - depending on what suits you best), it might be an idea to have something planned for the afternoon so that she is organized to go straight after lunch. I don't know if that's DH driving her back, or someone dropping her to a train/bus - but that you and the DCs have a planned activity (whatever that is - it might be needing new gear and planned time to get to the shops - I know that's always a hard one to fit in here! Or an actual outing like the cinema or an outdoor activity or a planned meetup with friends etc). You would know best if DH should be part of that - I am only not including him as I assume he'd be on logistical duties. Maybe keep the GC outing for Monday if she's staying until Tuesday.

I hope it all goes well. I hope you all get the break you need, and that DMIL can come and enjoy some time too.

Thanks for all the advice and differing points of view. MIL late 70's can walk on flat ok on pavements but doesn't wear appropriate footwear coats etc for heading into the countryside off the pavements and she is over weight and not that physically fit etc. She doesn't do art classes or any classes goes on some trips into town and other towns near where she lives with some ladies from her flats/housing. My mum same age lives locally to us again can walk on flat not over weight but has sore hip and knee. My mum would never dream of imposing on us. We hardly see her but I phone her most days she knows that DH and I both work hard especially DH who does 13 hour days due to travel so she appreciates our family time is precious.
DC's are 12 and 13.
We have two living rooms so one of DC sleeping on couch in front room. I look forward to kids going to bed so we can have a glass of wine or two in peace when DC's in bed even if only for an hour or two. MIL doesn't drive so wants to come on train thinks Thurs before Easter best day to travel. I had booked leave on Thurs week one to spend with DC's. DH is at work and the Tues the week after Easter and I am having to work the Wed after Easter.
I know DH definitely needs to step up to the plate. I think he likes to impress MIL with his DIY skills as FIL was also into that and his bro isn't. I will suggest she visits Easter Sat until Tues or Wed as a compromise which will be more than enough saying we have plans Thurs and Fri before. DH can tell her this if he or she objects he can entertain her the whole time. Apparently SIL and BIL need a break (we apparently don't) and BIL did invite her to go abroad with them but she didn't want to go.

Just phoned DH suggesting he phone MIL tonight suggesting she comes to us Easter Sat as a compromise (as not a bank hol so travel ok). He knows I'm not that happy about a visit at Easter. I said this would be a compromise and work better as that way I can have time off with DC's on the Thurs without feeling guilty or rushing back to pick her up from the station in the middle of the afternoon and we can all have a family day out together on the Friday (these are quite rare and will become rarer still as DC's get older and become more and more independent) we can have a leisurely Sat morning together and we can all reasonably happily spend Sat afternoon, eve and Easter Sun with her. By the Monday I will be climbing the walls and will definitely need to escape the house (with or without DC's DH and MIL). I didn't even say that part. He seemed quite miffed about my suggestion wanted to see and maybe talk about it tonight as she had said she wants to come up on the Thursday not the Saturday!!!!

Stick to your guns Brighteyes.
You are bending over backwards, as it is.
Let DH take the weight of the phone call.
What would MIL have said, had you explained that you were going away at Easter ?

Right your plans sound excellent and you are going to have to be prepared for this conversation tonight.

What do you think he is going to say?
Do you feel prepared to get your point across?

If you say MIL can come earlier if DH looks after her, will you still get your days out with the DCs, and will this be acceptable to you?

If he says he will look after her, will he really, or will he flake off?

whatever happens, however you work things out with DH tonight, get yourself something booked in for Easter Monday. (or "booked in" - up to you)

Stick to your guns op.

It must be very hard to have inlaws/parents of that that age and infirmity. I see your problems here op.

I expect with people having babies later and later this may well become the norm. I was 48 when my first grandchild was born. Off topic.

Hope things improve for you as a family soon op

Then he should be available to collect on Thursday and you and DC are still going out all day Friday -

Keep repeating

she had said she wants to come up on the Thursday not the Saturday!!!!

Well then he can take the thursday off - and perhaps the wednesday to do all the prep. Sorted.

Say no.

Don't creep.

Tell your dh he has to step up and how. Insist only Sat-Monday.

Give and take is part of human relationships. You can be kind but not a doormat.

Thanks for all my allies. I will keep strong. No nothing will materialise if left to him tried this the last half dozen visits he always bows down to her or she turns waterworks on and he gives in. He could really do with a break as we all could. If no shopping in it's cause I didn't buy any food, if no meal ready it's cause I didn't bother to make anything etc etc. Nothing will be his fault. When DC's were little and had colds or ordinary childhood ailments it was because I always kept a cold house had nothing to do with DH who controlled thermostat, part of childhood and going to nursery three days a week etc

Well if DH is at work on Thurs, off on Fri but misses out on an immediate family outing, has Sat and Sun and Mon also with DM, and then is back to work on Tues while DM is still there - what does he think will happen?

If HE wants DMIL to come on Thursday, HE needs to be there to facilitate that. And again on Tuesday. AND miss out on a family outing that you and the DCs will be going on on Thurs/Fri/BOTH, as that was what you had planned!!

He really needs to understand that you are offering compromise, that when DMIL sprang her plans on you all, that she was interfering with your own plans, and that you are juggling those around to facilitate her, but that you DO also, all of you, need some time out as well - DD needing support, you and DH both dealing with work stuff, and your DH probably does need to let some matters settle in his own mind as well if his DF has only recently died.

But you understand completely how devastating it is for DMIL to lose her DH after so many years, so you are making those adjustments and juggling your plans to take her wants into account. But her wishes cannot totally trump the wishes of everyone else, particularly when she had an offer to go away on holidays and refused that - she must understand that others also have plans too and she can't just impose her wants on everyone else> Everyone can make their own decisions - just as she made her decision not to go away, you can make your decision to have a single (much needed) family outing, while ALSO looking out for her and welcoming her to your home.

(I presume DH will also be organizing all the cooking, cleaning, making beds etc for while she's there, and doesn't mind not getting a small bit of a chance to relax with you over the weekend if she's there every night - reminding him that if he's away for the next 6 months, there will be precious few nights cuddling together on the couch and DMIL will probably need a few of those weekends too.....)

(Sorry, this situation has slightly caught me on the raw....)

Tell her that you have booked a surprise holiday for dh. She doesn't have to know that it's a staycation - plan a couple of nice activities you want to do as a family and meals out to save the hassle of making them and clearing up afterwards.

You get to have a nice holiday time without the stress or cost of packing up and going to a hotel, and then MIL can come after easter when you're back at work and all the work of hosting her can fall to your dh...

If you only have two children you can all fit in one car surely.

If you have a child sleeping on the sofa, you just say to her that it's time for X to go to sleep and she will then go and read in her room or whatever. I don't understand the TV programmes. You discuss and negotiate. "Oh, we always watch this. Let's record the other thing for you." Or choose a film you can all watch together.

If she gets up at 10 you don't tiptoe around. You do whatever you normally would have done. That's her choice.

You could of course say it's not convenient and suggest alternative dates or a shorter stay. I can see it's not ideal and is stressful. But I think you're making it more stressful than you need to.

Lots of cars are not big enough for 2 car seats plus an adult in the back!

OP if push comes to shove and DH insists she comes on thursday even though you've asked for that not to happen i'd be telling him i was off out all day with the kids on thu and fri and leave them to it. No way i'd be house maid and keeper to his mother on days i've specifically asked to be kept to myself.

I know I am making a meal of it but feel
More stressed and tired than usual. MIL a big woman so she will need to go in the front. We are all very tall and don't have a really massive car. Three average sized children can sit in the back for short 5-10 minute journey at a push but ours are the height of taller than average adults so three adult sized people in the back wouldn't work for an hour or half hour car journey
In our car.

Will stick to my guns it's Sat to Tues take it or leave it I will take her back Tues to station Tues. But if DH wants her to come Thurs he can be around to collect her from the station make her a coffee and a snack etc. Not leave a key for her while he rolls home at 6.30pm for his tea ready made etc.

Too late, I suppose, but I'd say 'love you to visit but that weekend doesn't suit us' and give her some alternatives.

But having said that, it sounds like this is only part of your problem, with your DH being the larger part of it. Why will he not cook, shop or take on any of the stress of having a guest?

Lots of cars are not big enough for 2 car seats plus an adult in the back! - doubt the 12 and 13 year old are still in car seats!

Sorry DMIL, both of use were very busy at work the past few weeks and there's been a lot on. I was planning on going shopping later today as DH wasn't able to do it yesterday after all as he'd planned.

(Only say sorry once - you've already used it for shopping)
We normally only get organized later in the evening as we are always so busy. I have a lot on at the moment so DH was supposed to have organized today's dinner - has he not done that yet?

...need to hoover re dog...
Don't pander, get up and hoover as you normally do and when her head appears round the door "good morning DMIL, I'm just hoovering now so that we can fit everything in today. Do you want DH to turn on the kettle for you to make yourself a cup of tea in a minute?"

And so on. And DH being the delegated person to look after her every need - if she turns on waterworks at not being suitably looked after, you turn to him and ask what has he done to upset his DM.

Meanwhile you are taking her good example and looking after your own DCs, particularly DD who is having such a hard time, but also DS. Both have recently lost their DGF, its such a stressful time in this house with your and DH work troubles, especially as DH is working SUCH long days and doing so much travel and is about to be away from home for the next half a year, and you need to make sure that they know that you have their backs and are looking out for them as well. And that they can rely on you when he's not around. (That last might be a bit too PA - there was a classic call from DMIL last night!).

etc etc. Nothing will be his fault. When DC's were little and had colds or ordinary childhood ailments it was because I always kept a cold house had nothing to do with DH who controlled thermostat, part of childhood and going to nursery three days a week etc