Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

[Brighteyes27]

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

Cancel your leave and go back to work.Leave DH with his Mother,when he realises the work involved, he mightn't be so readily available the next time.

I have a MIL who comes for extended stays.

I would either change your leave days for alternative days out with the kids, or else say 'the kids and I are fell walking tomorrow, see you when we get back, for dinner?' On at least 3 days (maybe relent and di family lunch on Sunday) , and leave DH to it.

Because the children's holiday time is important too.

I think you need to put your own family's needs first and say no to her. Give her options (weekend before or after) but you have plans over Easter that for your own mental health /stress levels you shouldn't cancel.

Being 'alone at Easter' is not a thing in the way it is at Xmas - or if it is for her she can pop to church where they will have lots of activities and people to keep her busy (and probably tea, cake and flowers too).

My own mum made a martyr of herself for her entire family life doing/receiving visits from my dad's extended family (and she did all of the washing / cleaning / cooking / spending time with). It didn't make her happy and she got bitched about a lot of the time. I'm glad that at almost 70 she's finally learned to say no when she doesn't want freeloaders visitors.

Well the main problem is that you couldn't afford to go away like the rest of your inlaws.
But also you are taking the burden instead of DH. YOu should arrange some days out by yourself or with one or two DCs (by bus if need be) and let DH do the work of entertaining DMIL.
Saying 'DH will want to come too' as if he is a disgruntled 8 year old says a lot. But you need to get yourself organised. Surely you have a phone /laptop you can sit on whilst soap operas are on. If you haven't make sure you have one by next visit.

You need some boundaries.
Accept her for a few days, not the full range that she is inviting herself over for.
DH needs to take the brunt of his DM's company.
She can't dominate everything around her, particularly as there's no space. Adjustment to different tastes (be it food or TV) needs to come on both sides.

Yes, it's hard for her being recently bereaved so needs some accommodation, but a lot of these issues pre-date that.

You're no more or less part of MILs family than the other people who've gone on holiday. Your holiday is no more or less important than theirs. If you'd booked already, she wouldn't be able to come.

I think I'd be tempted to ok the visit and cancel my leave, though. Presumably the kids have school holiday around then and for more than the Easter weekend?

I would have her to stay, but on your terms. So a shorter time, not directly over the Easter weekend. 'Yes MIL we'd love to have you, we have plans on x and y dates but you are welcome to join us from a to b dates', sort of thing.

Do put the hoover on before 10am, there's a balance between being a good host and being a good guest. And disrupting the entire household is being a bad guest. hoovering after 9am is not a problem. And if she wakes up so be it. With the Tv, just change the channel. Give her some warning (we are planning to watch a film tonight) and then just do it.

DH doesn't feel the same way as me

That is because you are running around doing all the work. Why are you the house slave here?

Just say 'sorry hubby, you do bugger all when your mother comes to stay so if you allow her to come this holiday you will be doing all the work. From washing the bedding, making up the bed, sorting out where X sleeps, to cooking, to entertaining and this means garden centres, and all the necessary. You need to understand that this is no Easter treat for me. So if you agree to it, you are owning it. I would rather use the time for some relaxation which only you seem to get when she is here'.

If FIL died this year, she is v recently bereaved, and it isn't unreasonable of her to want to be with her family over Easter.

Presumably the other siblings had already booked to be away by the time of FIL 's death? IME with this sort of issue your DH and his siblings need to communicate and co ordinate (share!) plans for your MIL to have regular family time.

This is the life of the sandwich generation. Planning is needed alongside compassion.

you are taking the burden instead of DH

Burden? Oh dear, is that what our mothers have become?

I'm staying with my DD for a few days soon, I'd be devastated if she or my son in law spoke about me like that.

Split the difference, have her half of her suggested dates because you already have plans the other half.

How do the mechanics work of having her staying up until midnight with a child sleeping on the sofa? Be a bit less accommodating, think of her as family rather than a houseguest so go to bed at 10pm with DH whilst insisting she is welcome to stay up. Invite kids' friends round to play. Or divide the day - take kids out swimming or to the park in the morning, back for lunch, quiet lazy in the afternoon.

I feel for your MIL, but this sounds hellish op

definitely cancel your leave and let dh entertain his mum

Have you access to a small TV that you can put in her room?

“I can't put the hoover on before 10.30”

Yes you can. I don’t think vacuuming downstairs will disturb her that much. I agree with previous posters that you could have her to stay, but tell her that you have already made plans for doing stuff like fell walking on a couple of the days. I’m sure she will be fine with her daytime TV while you go off for a few hours. Or suggest that she can come but for a few days not a week.

Also, your husband needs to step up and help.

Burden? Oh dear, is that what our mothers have become?

I'm staying with my DD for a few days soon, I'd be devastated if she or my son in law spoke about me like that.

But will you be hogging the TV, sleeping in til 10am, demanding your DD cook tea as soon as she sits down from finishing the housework, dominating with your choice of day trips that your DD and family don't want to do? That is why the OP's MIL is being described as a burden, because of her own poor behaviour. I am sure you will not be a burden to your DD as you won't be such a terrible guest.

Ask her to come on Saturday.
Book a family Lunch Cavery thing in a pub or hotel for Sunday and make DH pay.

Give her a glass of wine and get DH to take her home to sleep it off on Sunday afternoon. You and kids go off for a walk or playground session and DH catches up with you later.

Monday you can muddle through, include garden centre visit ?

Tuesday wave goodbye in the morning, go home and slob it for a couple of hours.

I think you need to stop treating her as a guest and more like a member of the family. So ask her to get her feet off the couch so you can sit down, vacuum first thing in the morning, tell her to up to bed if your dc needs to sleep, give her an option - we are doing x would you like to come or stay here, we can go to x tomorrow if you want. Sounds like you and the dc do a lot of compromising to the point where you resent her coming. Time to make the visits comfortable for everyone.

Well as a mil myself I think you should say no

You sound very stressed and you need to sometimes put yourself first.

Put your foot down with your dh and say no you need this time just you, him and the kids.

If she's nice she will understand.

It's hard isn't it? I have a similar MIL, she lives abroad so comes for several weeks, DH works away so brunt of the looking after MIL falls on me...
You have to take a step back and DH has to step up. Lose your shit with him if you have to but his mother, he pulls his weight.
Do one nice meal for her and plan one nice activity all together, everything else just carry on as normal. Don't meal plan to use the nth degree. If she says I like xxx tell her sorry we don't have that or ask DH I'm sure he'd make that for you. Want to go fell walking? Just say we're off fell walking I'm sure DH will take you for coffee and cake we'll all catch up for a nice dinner tonight and just leave. If she asks if you have done ironing/washing/cleaning just say no you can't be bothered right now DH will do it later. Sit down and have that cup of tea no matter what!
With my MIL she likes to be in control so being at our house is stressful because she wants to constantly know what is happening with meals/cleaning/washing. Drives me batty. But she is much more ready to expect me to deal with it all. If I say it is down to DH she doesn't badger him to do it!!! Oh and get her to babysit one night and go out even just for a swift half at the local. You'll feel better.

Just a final thought from me.

Does MIL realise how much she puts your family out when she stays, or does she think its business as usual when she comes over? I bet she hasn't got a clue. She would probably be horrified if she thought she was an unwelcome burden, and stick to her DD.

BIL booked holiday about a fortnight after the funeral as they were stressed. SIL just in process of booking hers now. Travelled the world I like your thinking. Or Even if she came for a few days after Easter it wouldn't be so bad and would save us paying out and sending the kids to a holiday club the wed & thurs which at 12 and 13 they don't really want to go to but they fight and not appropriate to leave them home alone all day. I have tried getting DH to step up to the plate but MIL aid of the generation he works hard so wifey should do all domestic chores (which doesn't normally happen).

The WhiteRose

Yes agree if you are a nice house guest who muddles in with your host, helps with the cleaning snd kids, joins in, helps with the cooking or pays for a meal out then the poster may feel differently.

But will you be hogging the TV, sleeping in til 10am, demanding your DD cook tea as soon as she sits down from finishing the housework, dominating with your choice of day trips that your DD and family don't want to do? That is why the OP's MIL is being described as a burden, because of her own poor behaviour.
Is it so bad for a MIL to come, watch a bit of tv, have a lie in, and expect to have tea provided when she's a guest? When she's just lost her husband of 30 years? My own MIL is dead, but I'd happily do that, because I know how I'd feel if my DH had just died.
Do what travelledtheworld says.

How old is your mil ffs?? Of the generation women did all the housework? Good grief my dm is like that but she's 85.

I am 50 and a gran and mil. No one of my generation believes that crap.

How old is she??

The thing is it depends a lot of

• how your MIL is coping with being in her own at Easter (not the same than Christmas but it might well still be wry important to her)
• how much you really need to break as a family, so you, your DH and the dcs.

There are some conflicting needs there and catering for everyone will be impossible (e.g. If you need to cook and stay at home with MIL it's never going to be a relaxing break for you).
You also need to take into account the feelings of your DH who, I'm sure, will be much keener to have his DM for Easter.

One thing I would say though is that, if your MIL is coming, your DH needs to step up A LOT and actually be the one who is looking after her, the one who is taking her to the garden center etc... whilst you will take the dcs fell running or climbing.
I'm always amazed at how men can be very keen on being supportive to their parents, want them there etc... but somehow are never the ones who bear the brunt of it. They aren't the ones doing the cooking to the tastes of their relatives, they aren't the ones doing the 'boring' outings to the garden center etc...
Once you have stated that he will be the one looking after his DM, will he be as keen to have her I wonder.

"DH doesn't mind whether she comes or not but he's not the one entertaining her and he wouldn't dream of saying no."

Here's the thing. You need to talk to your DH about this and make him see it can't all fall to you. Be specific. Set the dates of her visit and talk to him about blocks of time where he HAS to be looking after her. Don't just say "don't be wandering off all the time". Say "I need you to be taking care of your Mum on Easter Monday morning till at least after lunch." (or whatever)

I actually think you should let her come but I think you need to find ways to limit the resentment. Bereavement is brutal and big holidays are the worst time. Let her have Easter weekend with you but plan it like a military operation so you can stand it (or even enjoy it!) and cancel your days off for another time.

Talk really clearly to DH about him stepping up socially.

Arrange get-outs as if prior engagements where you can go off alone (or with a child or two? Sorry not sure how many you have and how old they are.) Be really breezy about your "pre-planned trip to visit friend" / "do some house admin thing" / "trip to the gym" (either real or just sitting in the park with a coffee and a book, up to you).

When you are with her, don't allow her to dominate you. Plan the meals (get DH to do as much cooking / going out to eat as you can) and if she says "I like x with that" just say gaily "oh really? We've got peas today!" and get on with your life (easier said than done, but grit your teeth and PRACTISE)

Get her talking. Ask her to bring some old photo albums or dig out whatever old photos DH has and make her sit with them and talk about everyone. I find this more interesting and less annoying than having people clinging onto my life and what I am trying to do which they don't really "get": instead, go to her areas of interest and sit there for a bit, and you can "be" with her more rewardingly. Also, this gets the awful soaps off the TV. (It is easier to do this if you have had a break - which is why you need to build in your time away from her so that you can do this)

Don't let her dominate the TV. She is a guest of your family. This is rude. Talk to DH about this in advance and come up with strategies to stop this.

"I feel mean for thinking and saying all this but I just feel backed into a corner"

by everyone. Find ways of doing things on your terms to feel better about it. Make DH understand how this takes its toll.

"but don't see why it should fall to us either when her other DC's both have 5 bedroom houses but I see this happening every bank holiday. Whilst they are away every bank holiday weekend. She is retired so could visit anytime."

Ok you need to talk to the others. Don't let it happen every bank holiday. Phone them, or get DH to phone them now and say "we're very happy to host mum this Easter. Obviously this is a tough time for now that Dad's gone. Can we look ahead over the next year and think about who's going to be with her at certain times?"

Does your DH have any idea how hard this is for you? You might be making it look too easy. You might need to cry