Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

[Brighteyes27]

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

I might feel the same as you - it's hard juggling work and kids in term time (any time) and I too would enjoy some quality time to relax with my family BUT this lady is yoyr husband's mother, your children's granny and you shouldn't see her alone (regardless of company in her new flat). She's lonely and grieving and should be welcomed (like I say though, I would feel the same if i was in your position if she's anything like my FIL. I would, however, still do some of the days out and activities you have planned and leave her at home if she doesn't want to join in. At least she knows you'll be back and she'll see you in the evenings. Also, just because her other children are away it doesn't mean you were last choice. Doesn't sound like you'd mind that in any event...

I think that when someone comes that often and for that long, they have to expect to pull their weight and muck in, not be given special 'guest' status. That means that she needs to be gently told what duties she can help with!
Must confess haven't had time to read all of the thread but if your child is sleeping on the couch, maybe it's worth investing in bunks or something in one of the bedrooms to make sharing easier? Also (shoot me down!) what about a telly in the room where she sleeps? - then you could say 'MIL, we all want to watch something different, go and relax upstairs and watch your soaps there'...

just realised bunks aren't going to work as DD and DS...

And OP and family probably can't splash out right now on additional TVs what with job losses coming. It's an idea for later. But MIL should be able to cope with compromising on TV viewing. It's part of being a good guest, which she needs to learn.

OP, I would say straight out to your husband that he must speak to his mum tonight and that she has to be told it's Saturday arrival or nothing at all. If he backs down you will be making yourself scarce. You need some time to keep going yourself. Don't let him brush it aside. Sadly it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

you deserve a medal

You sound both kind and reasonable OP.

BUT
It isn't kind to let MIL be so unreasonable and ill-fitting that she will never be really welcome.

I sympathise with your MIL - and can see why she wants/needs to be with her son. This is likely to be a longterm thing.

As you are the family organiser -it seems that it will be down to you to organise the situation to be more manageable now and in the future.

'When in Rome' is the way to go for going to bed and hoovering times but you do need to set this out for MIL and so does your DP. Explain the bedtimes before she comes.

Decide which meals DH will be responsible for this time - make it a thing he is doing to delight his mother.

When asked what you are doing: 'reading a book' -' painting nails' - 'day-dreaming' etc. Don't try and win housewife of the year - it won't work. (Think how delighted your SILs will be when they discover that you are not the perfect housewife. They can relax too! You will be being kind to them by sacrificing your reputation.

Can empathise here. Lost my DM 5 years ago and my DF wants to visit every holiday, Xmas, Easter, May etc. He sits with feet up on sofa for whole visit and won't come for less than a week. We have 16 yr old twins doing GCSES and both DH and me feel we can't manage a visit right we are just too knackered. I get angry with DF for not speaking to DS and DD for a whole week. ( selfish can't mak effort etc etc). On top of that DD has eating disorder and can't eat at table with DF. IMO you have to put yourself first in order to be able to give well to others. Am an only child so no siblings to help out

Op YADNBU! MIL may be elderly and bereaved but she is also pushy, manipulative and entitled. You need some downtime. End of.

I have to agree with Crunchy badger. Your DH should do most of the entertaining, cooking, and spending conversational time with his mother. Perhaps it would be good to talk about his dad, her husband. Maybe, if you and children are out, it could be a good bonding experience. She sounds hard work and you appear to think it is all down to you to look after her which it is not. Is your DH close to his mother? If he goes out to do his DIY when she visits I think that is just inconsiderate if not a little rude. It's a tough one but I feel that either she comes at a different time or DH takes on the responsibility, it is his mother after all.

If you want to get MIL to go to bed earlier turn the heating off or just say that you are both going up for an early night and goodnight!See you in the morning. Or if you need the settee for a bed start making the bed up.

She will be in your home. You are adults and her equals. In your home your rules apply. She sounds rather narcissistic and is acting like a spoilt child. Tell her what you expect from her. Remain calm and adult. If she objects, you repeat ad nauseum. Stay calm. I honestly think you would be best phoning her yourself or sending her a text - something simple, breezy and a fait accompli. Your dh is far too stressed at work to make this happen the way you want, which is why you could perhaps step in and speak woman to woman. It's far easier over the phone. You both sound so defeated.

I have been in your shoes and it's hard so I empathise. You have hosted her for 1 week and have another weekend planned. I think it would not be unreasonable to ask her down for Sat eve - it sounds like you need a rest and if you don't look after yourself then you will struggle to enjoy time with DH and kids. Good Luck - it's 10 years since my FIL died and my MIL has put great pressure on us at times . Hope you get some rest over Easter!

I know exactly what you mean. I have a similar situation and I worked out that it was my husband who wouldn't say no to his mother. We were seeing them at least once per month and it just gets too much. I suggest saying to your husband that your MIL can visit but he should arrange all of the meals, cleaning etc and perhaps your MIL can entertain the children whilst the two of you go out together for some relaxing time. You need the break as us mums hold the families together x

I can see both sides but she IS family and that to me is more important than anything else. I want my kids in particular to understand how important our older relations are. Like previous posters have said, this could be you one day with your children and children-in-law getting annoyed over who's going to have the DM/MIL to stay this time. We all know how much hard work it is to be a parent. Well, OUR parents have done their time, raised you and your DH and are entitled to be looked after and taken care of in their old age, IMHO. That said, it sounds like your DH could do with being a bit more assertive when she's in your home so that you don't feel like it's such a huge imposition. I do really sympathise ... it's knackering, especially if you're already feeling the strain of other things. But when she's gone, it's unlikely you'll regret having her to stay and making the last few years of her life happy, but there's a chance you might regret it if you don't. Good luck OP x

That's very heartwarming swiffly, but OP is not denying MIL the chance to visit. What OP is trying to do is to allow MIL to visit but also include some much needed downtime for herself, the DH and DCs.

Sadly her DH won't be more assertive - why should he be when it's OP that's doing all the grunt work, OP can change her stance a bit but that's also likely to cause a bit of friction in the household.

OP I think you need to speak to MIL yourself. Tell her how hard DH has been working and how terribly tired he is and therefore needs total relaxation with his family for a couple of days and how dreadfully welcome she will be on the Saturday to Tuesday.

I would allow her visit but that wouldn't stop me from enjoying what I have planned.

I respectfully make my mil aware of the things I have got planned for our hols and how she can enjoy resting at home and watching her desired tv choices in peace.

I always treat her like i am dealing with my own mum. As I can't imagine my husband saying he can't have my mum over for whatever reasons. She is my mum and wouldn't hesitate having her over for any reason.

Your house, your DH, your rules, your day off, your mil, your Hol.

Just sharing how I treat mine. I will one day be a mil and could also be alone during hols. I always try and look at d bigger picture, hopefully my son and future daughter in law see this and treat me the same. As I said hopefully,

RTFT.

The OP is asking that MIL's six day visit is shortened by 2 days. Only. Despite being stressed, tired and needing a break badly herself. She's NOT suggesting that MiL shouldn't come at all.

are entitled to be looked after and taken care of in their old age,

She can be looked after the week before the week after or 4 days over Easter

DH could also split the caring and arrangements

As I can't imagine my husband saying he can't have my mum over for whatever reasons

No matter how many times the OP has repeated that she is willing for the visit to go ahead, it just isn't getting through to some.

Some of the replies on here made me feel really sad. I'm clearly even luckier than I realised to have a family who conspired together to spend time with me to keep some of the loneliness at bay when I was widowed.

OP - Saturday seems like a decent compromise since your husband won't step up and look after his mother himself.

2.3-3 hours each way is doable for a day trip - we do it routinely for ILs as they have cats to which I'm allergic (so I really really can't stay there. Tried once, never again). It's not much fun with a young child, yours are at least a bit older, but possible (assuming you have a car and can drive). It might be the best of a bad set of options....

Somerville - it sounds like you are a lovely person and your luck - if you want to call it that - was caused by the fact that your family were likely only returning the love and care that you have extended to them over the years.

In this case the MIL has a long history of being demanding and running roughshod over the OP and DH's needs and the fact that the other family have rushed off over Easter suggests that she may be like this with them as well.

It is very sad that she has been widowed and is lonely, that's why OP is ok with her coming for a shorter visit, even though it's clearly not what would be best for everyone else.

Yes I understand that Rookie which is why I made it clear that it was some of the responses that had particularly saddened me, not OP.

I do sympathise with OP, but more because of her husband than her MIL. He doesn't sound empathetic or caring towards OP, and we know he's letting his sister do the lions share of supporting his mother.

I don't know if the slight manipulative behaviour (I haven't heard anything major though maybe I missed a post?) is a way that MiL has developed to get attention from her eldest son who won't give it to her otherwise. Or maybe it's just their families way of doing things - there are certainly some shared character traits being described for the mother and son. But either way, no family is perfect and neither are any individuals within it. Unless it's actually abusive and they've gone NC or whatever then when the agonisingly worst happens, like the loss of a spouse, the family should still rally round and support the best that they can. And yes that needs to be balanced with other needs within the family, but frankly it sounds like OP's husband is trying to wriggle out of giving both his mother and his wife enough support.

Then we're in agreement Somerville .

Yay MIL just phoned and DH spoke to her actually took on board what I had said to him and asked her not to come us on Easter Saturday (rather than the Friday before) as we had a few things on with the kids and we said she can say as long as she likes that week. She actually listened and seemed to take it on board ok. So result we can relax a little bit get prepared and have a little bit of breathing space the Thursday and Friday before she comes but happy to spend the rest of the weekend with her.