Aibu to be really harsh with my mum about smoking even though it's her house.

[Toby123321]

I have a 5 month old boy who has chest infections almost every 3 weeks. He has been admitted to hospital twice now for servere infections. The doctor at the hospital asked who smokes DH and i live with my mum. She's the only person who smokes she smokes outside never in the house however the Dr said that this is still affecting my son and basically said he won't improve untill she stops or he grows out of it.
I honestly thought seeing how poorly he was last time would shock her into trying to give up but she won't.

She does so much for us and loves our son her only grand child so much but obviously not enough to stop smoking.
I'd like your advice on what I can do or say to help her to quit. Short of moving out (which we cant afford to do) I'm at a loss as to what to do and my son is my priority!

OP, your house, your rules. YADNBU

A good defence is a logical, reasoned response that is based on a factual assessment of the advice offered. Realistically you haven't given one of these to the "moving out" advice, other than that you just don't think it's feasible. If it's somehow infeasible for two able-bodied adults to work, support their own home, and raise one child without intensive help from a third party, then there is something very wrong with your general method of living.

In that light hashtags and sarcasm are going to come across as petty.

NeonGod73 I had a friend with liver cancer. She would smoke to cope with the pain, so I kind of understand it. I have another friend with severe anxiety and she finds smoking calms her. She has tried to give up but hasn't found anything to replace the effect smoking gives. So I kind of understand it. But the OP has the right to tell her mum not to smoke in her house around her kid who has been poorly. I have asthma and I won't let anyone smoke in my house. Not worth the risk.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/03/130304105531.htm

:-( My mother chain smoked. Both my (now grown) DDs now have lung problems. I remember her joking about cutting down when she was PG with my little DB, but she didn't - I presume she was unable to. Quitting is not trivial for some.

On your point: YWNBU to ask your mother to quit for the sake of her grandchild (and for her own health) but you cannot expect her to do so as presumably she is addicted, and addicts can find all sorts of reasons to keep up their habits. She is able to hold cognitively dissonant thoughts - she loves her grandchild and yet she is putting his health at risk (or may be, who knows?) and is not prepared to change her behaviour to lessen this risk. What a shame. I hope your baby gets strong and well over time anyway.

SoFedUp the house belongs to the OP's mother, not the OP.

Perhaps I'm showing my ignorance here but I'm struggling to see how her smoking outside with the door shut could be hurting him.

Granny smoking outside willl NOT cause chest infections indoors. Ever

And the baby possibly smelling smoke on her is not passive smoking, this is all nuts.

Pigface From what I understand (admittedly not much) plenty of impurities and chemicals are carried back in on a smoker's clothes. The very fact that we can smell stale smoke on smoker's clothing is testament to this, and for a small baby in delicate health, those chemicals and irritants could have an ongoing negative effect on his recovery, especially if he's then being picked up by the individual and held close against the clothing in question.

Gran smokes outdoors

Baby gets chest infection

Mother (where's Dad?) demands Gran/her mum stops smoking for the sake of child in FREE accommodation

Now I don't know about the rest of you, but if I were a Gran I would smoke indoors to make a real point here.

But OP. knows best for her mother. Not the child, no.... her mum.

How dare mum endanger her child with a whiff of smoke and make OP Live elsewhere. Such injustice. It is beyond belief.

I am incandescent with rage for OP. Laffin.

When GC was born, his parents were given a stern lecture about the dangers of smoking by the doctor and nurse. Even if you smoke outside, the chemicals clinging to your clothes damage the health of babies coming into contact with you. As several posters have explained, backed up by medical opinion. So yes, the OPs DM is likely to be damaging her baby's health.
The OPs DM is happy to have the OP and family living with her, OP is not necessarily taking advantage, it is an arrangement of benefit to all. Except for the smoking.
OP, could you perhaps work on a gentle campaign of converting your DM to vaping?
You are in a difficult situation and trying to find a reasonable way out of it, good luck.

But it's not the OPs house. It's her mums house. She had a baby knowing she couldn't afford to move out.
I know it's not as simple as 'just move out tomorrow' but you would have hoped that somewhere along the line you would have had a back up plan in case living with your mum isn't feasible anymore - which it now isn't due to the health of your child

The contaminants from smoke continue to be emitted from the smoker after the fag is stubbed out. The majority of the contaminants have left after about half an hour, if my memory serves me correctly. Then there is the issue of third hand smoke. This is the concentration of chemicals, which linger for a long period of time. Embedded in furnishings, carpets, even paint.

Still cannot understand why OP decided to have a child and then suddenly realised that Mum/Gran smokes outdoors and that may harm child.

Too mant people think having a child gives them the right to dictate to everyone else. Especially the rent free landlady/gran. FGS

Time fir the fight back NOW. LOL

Kinda agree with Havana

Thankyou. I don't believe that my son is ill because of my my mum he does clearly have a weakness on his chest however het smoking and it being on her clothes, hair etc doesn't help and that's a fact the doctor has told us. I honestly NEEDED my mum when ds was born I have pnd and anxiety which has sky rocketed since ds was last admitted to hospital I worry constantly now which is something my DM and DH find hard to deal with my constant worrying that ds is going to get sick

Rent free? I assure you were not living here free of charge.

Also alot of people have posted here saying they can't see how smoking outside is a problem which was my view on things before my son was unwell

Why did u decide to have a child knowing the challenges ahead of you re accommodation and your mum smoking etc.

sorry but this sounds off to me..

Is DH complaining also?

Haven't heard much about his side of your story.

Surely if you are that worried (and I totally understand anxiety) you would make job-hunting/moving a priority?

Going on at your mother is only going to cause problems, you can't change her behaviour so you have two choices - put up with it or take steps to move.

I have posted if you look back the opinion of my DH

Best of luck OP.

But you will not change anyone especially not your Mum. It will not happen IMV.

I'm sorry I have only read first & last pages of your thread OP but I wondered if you have taken your Mum to have a chat with the Dr whose saying her smoking behaviour is causing your son a problem. Perhaps Dr is assuming more than is really happening and needs to know how careful your Mum is being. DS might need a second opinion or more investigations. OTOH Dr might convince your Mum there is more she could reasonably do.

Either way I hope it all works out well for the whole family.

OP has said that the Dr had spoken to her mother

Thankyou. They've said he could have asthma but they wouldn't diagnose that untill he is at least 1.

So you need to do something asap. Is having a designated dressing gown etc really going to make a difference? And what if that rule starts to get ignored?

Surely you need to start putting plans in place for changing things?

OP if anxiety about your son's illness is making your PND worse, and your mother's smoking is exacerbating his illness, then surely staying in that situation is exactly the wrong solution?